Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I haven’t actually done anything wrong here?

95 replies

ImAnnoyedActually · 01/11/2022 21:45

I’m putting on my hard hat for this, genuinely interested to see if MN thinks I am being U

Currently on mat leave with DC2 (3mo). Went to visit a friend this afternoon, left around 1 and got home at 5:10. Friend lives about half an hour away from us.

DH rang me at 5:05 (just after he finished work wfh) to see where I was. I answered straight away and said I was on the high street (which is less than 5 mins from our house) so nearly home. I offered to pick up DD1 from nursery as I was already out but DH said he would do it to avoid messing the baby around getting him in and out of the car (nursery is only round the corner so we usually walk). He normally does every pick up anyway as he likes the moment when DD sees him and runs over for a big cuddle (I have offered to pick up DD before but he’s said he enjoys it so it’s not like its an extra job for him iyswim)

DH leaves just before I get in. Before he gets back I put dinner on. He comes back in a sulk because I didn’t tell him what I was doing.

Meet up with friend was in the shared calendar (along with her address) for 1 hour as that’s the default setting on my phone and when I put it in I had no idea how long I’d be there. DH says he shouldn’t have had to call me to find out what the plans are. I said sorry, next time I’ll message when I’m leaving friends so you know I’m on my way home. He keeps up his sulk but AIBU to think I haven’t actually done anything wrong here? I agree it would have been more considerate to message him as I was leaving but I was distracted chatting to friend and by baby and knew I’d be home around the time he’d finish work.

As soon as he tried to contact me I answered so it’s not like he’s been left wondering for hours where I am but it is apparently a massive inconvenience for him to have to ring me?

He’s been in a snit all evening and after initially saying sorry I’m now feeling he’s being a bit of a twat about it.

YABU - is really inconsiderate to not let partner know what time you’ll be home. Do better!

YANBU - it’s mildly inconsiderate to not message when leaving but hasn’t actually caused an issue for DH and he’s making a mountain out of a mole hill

I’ll take MN judgement on this!

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/11/2022 22:10

Was he working at home or elsewhere? You could have rung to doublecheck plans for dd1 when leaving but as there was no need to change arrangements (ie if you were delayed and due to collect) he is ott. He knew where you were and called.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/11/2022 22:10

I don't understand how you've inconvenienced him at all.

Can he explain that?

Arenanewbie · 01/11/2022 22:11

the sulking really annoys me though, it certainly doesn’t have it’s intended effect. Just makes me think he’s being a bit of a dick 🤷‍♀️
and you are totally right

Brigante9 · 01/11/2022 22:22

Sulking is so unattractive. Why is he being such an arsehole over something so minor?

Arghh1234 · 01/11/2022 22:27

Sounds like he had a bad day at work and is taking it out on you :(

Original poster
ImAnnoyedActually · 01/11/2022 22:30

Brigante9 · 01/11/2022 22:22

Sulking is so unattractive. Why is he being such an arsehole over something so minor?

I wish I knew! And yes it’s very unattractive, definitely not his best quality. He seems to be getting more and more of a misery guts these days

Part of me wonders if he’s having a bit of a midlife crisis “is this it?” type issue. No idea what I can do about it though

OP posts:
AMorningstar · 01/11/2022 22:44

Meh. You answered when he rang so I don't see the issue. If my DH didn't tell me he was going out and I couldn't get gold of him I'd be confused and annoyed, and vice versa him and me, but you answered straight away so I don't get his issue

SandyY2K · 01/11/2022 22:47

You've done nothing wrong.
You're not under house arrest or need to tell him of your every move.

All he needed to do was phone you. He phoned... you answered and that should be the end of it.

How utterly ridiculous of him.

angelikacpickles · 01/11/2022 22:57

He's sulking because he feels hard done by that you had a nice afternoon with your friend while he was working.

Greyarea12 · 01/11/2022 23:01

ImAnnoyedActually · 01/11/2022 21:45

I’m putting on my hard hat for this, genuinely interested to see if MN thinks I am being U

Currently on mat leave with DC2 (3mo). Went to visit a friend this afternoon, left around 1 and got home at 5:10. Friend lives about half an hour away from us.

DH rang me at 5:05 (just after he finished work wfh) to see where I was. I answered straight away and said I was on the high street (which is less than 5 mins from our house) so nearly home. I offered to pick up DD1 from nursery as I was already out but DH said he would do it to avoid messing the baby around getting him in and out of the car (nursery is only round the corner so we usually walk). He normally does every pick up anyway as he likes the moment when DD sees him and runs over for a big cuddle (I have offered to pick up DD before but he’s said he enjoys it so it’s not like its an extra job for him iyswim)

DH leaves just before I get in. Before he gets back I put dinner on. He comes back in a sulk because I didn’t tell him what I was doing.

Meet up with friend was in the shared calendar (along with her address) for 1 hour as that’s the default setting on my phone and when I put it in I had no idea how long I’d be there. DH says he shouldn’t have had to call me to find out what the plans are. I said sorry, next time I’ll message when I’m leaving friends so you know I’m on my way home. He keeps up his sulk but AIBU to think I haven’t actually done anything wrong here? I agree it would have been more considerate to message him as I was leaving but I was distracted chatting to friend and by baby and knew I’d be home around the time he’d finish work.

As soon as he tried to contact me I answered so it’s not like he’s been left wondering for hours where I am but it is apparently a massive inconvenience for him to have to ring me?

He’s been in a snit all evening and after initially saying sorry I’m now feeling he’s being a bit of a twat about it.

YABU - is really inconsiderate to not let partner know what time you’ll be home. Do better!

YANBU - it’s mildly inconsiderate to not message when leaving but hasn’t actually caused an issue for DH and he’s making a mountain out of a mole hill

I’ll take MN judgement on this!

Nothing out of this scenario in any way demonstrates a healthy relationship. This is control over you and i would say he is showing abusive traits. A few things stand out to me. You don't need to reply to this, it's just to give you food for thought.

I’m putting on my hard hat for this - so a part of you views his behaviour as normal as you thought people would agree with him.

I answered straight away - are you worried of his reaction if it rang out or you missed the call?

I have offered to pick up DD before but he’s said he enjoys it so it’s not like its an extra job for him iyswim) - is this him being genuine or is this the classic trait where he is getting the outside world to see him as a fabulous Dad and a great guy.

He comes back in a sulk because I didn’t tell him what I was doing. - this is manipulation. If he goes in a sulk then he gets you to behave in the way he deems you should behave next time. You'll be sure not to make 'this mistake' again because you would rather avoid the sulking.

Meet up with friend was in the shared calendar - I would maybe be on the fence with this one if it weren't for the below ....

along with her address - why? This is in no way healthy for him to know exactly where you are each and everytime you leave the house. Does he give you the line.. I need to know where my children are? Or.. what if something happens, I'm just being 'protective'/'keeping you safe'.

I had no idea how long I’d be there - do you panic if you go over the time you said you would be ... does anxiety heighten? Do you always set the calender to the specific time you expect to be away?

DH says he shouldn’t have had to call me to find out what the plans are. - is he not capable of picking up daughter and putting dinner on without knowing exactly where you are and what time you will be home. He knows you will be home at some point. Can't he put your dinner aside.. or would he say he didn't make you any because you dared not to inform him of your where abouts.

I said sorry, next time I’ll message when I’m leaving friends so you know I’m on my way home. - you have nothing to be sorry for.

I haven’t actually done anything wrong here? - because of his sulking/ manipulation, you are doubting yourself on whether you have done wrong or not. It's all about getting you in line.

but I was distracted chatting to friend and by baby - you are looking for reasons to explain why you were 'late'. Again, it should not be an issue

He’s been in a snit all evening - ask yourself, does what you have 'done' justify his sulking?

If this is normal behaviour from him, a regular pattern, where he is manipulative and controlling on a regular basis then my advice is to start planning how to leave.

Herejustforthisone · 01/11/2022 23:18

That is immensely controlling behaviour on his part.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 01/11/2022 23:46

I can hear those eggshells you walk on.... they're cracking loud and clear.
"I answered straight away..." hmm does he go ape then if you don't?
Your YANBU/BU options show you believe you must be in the wrong on some level (probably because you always are in his eyes)
You need to put some very firm boundaries in place because it's not going to get better. It's very controlling.

Orders76 · 01/11/2022 23:55

I have to admit to being this twat when feeling down or in need of attention. Crap for you but maybe just ask is he ok?

Winceybincey · 01/11/2022 23:56

I’m gonna go against the grain here, I think he might have been worried. If you use a shared calendar and you’d put in 1 hour at friends he might have thought something had happened? You have a young baby and it’s easy to worry when they’re so little. If he’s not the sort to always want to know you’re every whereabout then I’d put it down to him taking the calendar literally as it’d be no different to me saying to DH I’m popping to friends with baby I’ll be an hour, but 4 hours later I’m not back… I know he’ll be worried and would be calling me.

Ozgirl75 · 02/11/2022 00:14

I think @angelikacpickles has hit the nail on the head. He’s jealous and annoyed that you’re getting to have “fun” while he’s working.
He sounds veering on controlling as well, as set out above. I’m all for ignoring a sulk and remaining friendly and breezy, but also in this situation, I do think it’s worth having a good talk about how you’re an adult woman, you don’t need to tell him of your whereabouts at all time.
His reaction will be telling. Will he be an arse about it or will he be mature and say, “i feel like I don’t get much time to do “fun” things myself, can we sort out a way that we both get some me time during the week”.
having small children puts a lot of pressure on a relationship and often brings to the fore any issues that bubbled away before, so you need open and upfront communication.
He also needs to know that from now on, sulking will never work, only telling you the issue. My DH tried sulking once and I ignored it and then when it turned into huffs I just said “I will never guess what’s wrong unless you just tell me, so either get ready to stay in this sulk for a long time, or snap out of it and talk to me like an adult”
He hasn’t sulked since and we’re very good at communicating and it’s 20 years later!

Ozgirl75 · 02/11/2022 00:15

Winceybincey · 01/11/2022 23:56

I’m gonna go against the grain here, I think he might have been worried. If you use a shared calendar and you’d put in 1 hour at friends he might have thought something had happened? You have a young baby and it’s easy to worry when they’re so little. If he’s not the sort to always want to know you’re every whereabout then I’d put it down to him taking the calendar literally as it’d be no different to me saying to DH I’m popping to friends with baby I’ll be an hour, but 4 hours later I’m not back… I know he’ll be worried and would be calling me.

Thing is, in that situation wouldn’t you just send a text saying “everything good, just heading out to pick up X” and then you’d be normal when they got back. It’s not like it was midnight.

3487642l · 02/11/2022 00:26

Sorry I'm confused - is there a law saying you need to be traceable by your husband, account for all minutes of your life to his liking and be home when he wants you to be? Are you your own human or are you an extension of him, like one of his arms, that he gets to control?

BeautifulWar · 02/11/2022 00:56

Nothing you did put him out in the slightest. Why does he need to know where you are every minute of the day?

MountainChalet · 02/11/2022 00:58

Is he often this controlling?

WhenTheMusicFinallyStops · 02/11/2022 02:36

Total over reaction by your husband. It wouldn't have taken a huge mental leap to assume you were with your friend. Fk me.

parsniiips · 02/11/2022 02:44

I can't actually understand what the issue was. Genuinely baffled as to why he was annoyed.

I'm a SAHP and my husband works full time. He doesn't have a clue what I do every day or where I go. I could be out robbing banks or having an affair and he'd be oblivious (I'm not Grin).

He sounds controlling and manipulative and I'd be very wary of his behaviour going forward. Don't ever allow him to control you, or make you feel bad just for visiting a friend! It's honestly absolutely crackers.

parsniiips · 02/11/2022 02:47

Winceybincey · 01/11/2022 23:56

I’m gonna go against the grain here, I think he might have been worried. If you use a shared calendar and you’d put in 1 hour at friends he might have thought something had happened? You have a young baby and it’s easy to worry when they’re so little. If he’s not the sort to always want to know you’re every whereabout then I’d put it down to him taking the calendar literally as it’d be no different to me saying to DH I’m popping to friends with baby I’ll be an hour, but 4 hours later I’m not back… I know he’ll be worried and would be calling me.

But he phoned and she answered straight away and assured him all was fine.

A visit with a friend doesn't have a strict one hour time slot, it isn't an appointment, it was clearly just in the calendar as a reminder of plans not a strict time schedule.

The babyish stropping and sulking and carrying it on all night is disgraceful controlling behaviour.

mathanxiety · 02/11/2022 02:51

Suggestion for how to talk to him about this:

Tell him there are no words to express how deeply unattractive his sulking makes him in your eyes, and that you expect a grown adult to use his words when he wants to say something.

shimmeringspice · 02/11/2022 02:54

You come across as quite scared of him.

pewtypie · 02/11/2022 03:00

It sounds this might be the beginning of trying to control you.

I would speak to him when kids are asleep and tell him coldly and calmly that this behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread