Is this batshit behaviour or what? (PIL)

[ScoobySnapz]

Last week we invited PIL over for Christmas. It is what usually happens because no one else offers to host.

So we invited them and we were told that they didn't want to come. They aren't going anywhere else, they just don't want to come to "us". PIL are being very off, and we have clearly done something to upset them, but honestly we haven't a clue what it is. Aside from not being the perfect DS and DIL, we really haven't done anything terrible we can think of. DH asked what the problem was and they said they don't want to talk about it.

My MIL is a massive drama queen and does this kind of thing when she hasn't had enough attention or got her own way over something and FIL just goes along for a quiet life.

My reaction to this is WTF, what a drama queen, I'm not getting into this with her and crack on love. I'm pretty sure there is no illness to announce or anything bad going on, I just think she has stewed on all her miseries and is in a sulk as no one is pandering to her every need.

The thing is though that it hurts my DH. He is sensitive and I can see that he is upset and doesn't enjoy conflict and drama. I would love to tell them both that I think they are pathetic and don't call my house again and just leave DH to us (me and our DD's) who love him to bits and don't stress him out. I know that on Christmas Day, this drama will ruin it for him.

Is this batshit or what?

No, the batshit bit is when they decide they do want dinner cooking for them and grandchild time and announce they’re coming anyway (or just act like they never refused) and your husband gives in to it 😉

P.s. Seen this behaviour before with DH and his siblings. You get punished for something you are not sure what exactly. MIL wont tell you, but after you have been punished enough, about 3 months, she'll then let you know what it was all about. You are then expected to behave or you'll be punished again.

It sounds like a win to me. You offered, so no need to feel guilty about them being on their own. They said no, so you don't have their over-dramatic selves on Christmas. Leave them to it.

Can your DH honestly not think of anything? If so then just ignore.

The context makes it sound like they’re being - at worst - rude and a bit childish. But really they’re not obliged to come to your for Christmas or tell you why they’re not. It sounds like there is nothing you can do so just ignore them and enjoy the quiet Christmas. I’m sorry your DH is hurting, all your support should go on him.

I feel for your DH, I really do, but he needs to detach from his DM and not let her behaviour affect his emotions.

I know that it's easier said than done, but could you help him by finding some online articles for him to read in order to begin the process?

The only reply you should make is no worries, we will go to my mother's instead (or somewhere else that they wouldn't want you to go to). Then stick to that no matter what they do at Christmas.

Yes, I am pretty sure this will happen. However, today I will be trying to secure a table for Christmas Dinner in a nice restaurant, something I have wanted to do for years so I don't have to cook. If they change their mind, they won't be able to come as we wont be in.

I'd just be thrilled they aren't coming.

I think Christmas Dinner out is an EXCELLENT idea @ScoobySnapz . Enjoy the karma when MIL tries to change her mind 😉

Had an absolute classic from my MIL. Asked in plenty of time whether anyone had any dietary requirements or preferences, was told absolutely not.

Come Christmas Day, table laid with turkey and all the trimmings, she announces she doesn't eat poultry as it gives her a tummy ache. FIL had also demanded a full english on Christmas morning.

Never again.

Just be pleased they aren’t coming! Horrid of them.

You do not need to have drama or conflict - you invited them (well done you) and they said no. End of. Just get on and enjoy your family Christmas.

Not telling you what the problem is is the sort of attention-seeking behaviour you might expect from a child. Just ignore it. It is ridiculous and childish.

Good idea

This

Maybe they will choose Christmas Day to announce what you have done wrong!

I dont see what is batshit about someone refusing an invitation tbh.

Shinyandnew1 · Today 08:54
Just be pleased they aren’t coming! Horrid of them“

agree with first sentiment. Not so much the second. Maybe not horrid? Perhaps after doing it for years they just don’t want to come and they feel awkward just saying so?

It does sound like a win, but in reality their son is hurt by their behaviour. They’re being really shitty. The restaurant is a great idea.

What is batshit is your overreaction. You invited them they have declined.

Sounds like you like the drama as much as your MIL...

The thing is though that it hurts my DH. He is sensitive and I can see that he is upset and doesn't enjoy conflict and drama

Erm... maybe you all like the drama!

Rejoice! And make the most of it.

I do feel for DH (and you supporting him through it). I was recommend Toxic Parents and Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward on this site and it really opened my eyes. Hopefully it'll help DH see clearly too that he's not responsible for MIL happiness.

I’d never enter into drama with people like that, I’d just crack on with your life and be breezy and normal.
I have a “friend” (school acquaintance really) who has a history of falling out with people over tiny things. She’s gone funny on me, and I have no idea why, but I’m 44, I didn’t do this nonsense even as a teen. So when I see her I’m friendly and breezy and you can see her trying to be cold but her social niceties aren’t quite letting her and it’s quite funny. I can tell she’s waiting for me to ask if everything is ok, but I’m just pretending that I can’t tell that she’s frosty.

I don't think it's necessarily their declining the invitation that's the issue here, I think it's the fact that MIL is being deliberately huffy, has acknowledged that she has an issue with OP and her DS, but refusing to say what it is. And that this is apparently repeated behaviour.

Stringing your child along for weeks/months, not telling them what the issue is, then suddenly telling them and expecting them to be remorseful is incredibly controlling and cruel.

This kind of bollocks really pisses me off. I had it all through my childhood having to second guess what I'd done this time to upset my mother, then feel incredibly guilty and be overly kind to make up until she decided to be normal with me again.

Fuck that shit. I don't have time for stupid games now. I call it out, give her the choice and give her the deadline. So in this case it would be on her to choose to cut off her nose to spite her face by not giving in and end up with Christmas alone. Or NOW say she wants to come.

But actually I love your restaurant idea! I know it won't help DH's feelings but your MIL is just being controlling. It's bobbins.

Very easy to handle:
"Thank you so much for the invite, but we think we'll just have a quiet one this year. Can we arrange a time to do presents?"

So awkward.

Not.

But they didn't do this, cos they are being passive aggressive tosspots. Fuck em. Everything crossed for your meal out op! You deserve it!