Is this batshit behaviour or what? (PIL)

[ScoobySnapz]

Last week we invited PIL over for Christmas. It is what usually happens because no one else offers to host.

So we invited them and we were told that they didn't want to come. They aren't going anywhere else, they just don't want to come to "us". PIL are being very off, and we have clearly done something to upset them, but honestly we haven't a clue what it is. Aside from not being the perfect DS and DIL, we really haven't done anything terrible we can think of. DH asked what the problem was and they said they don't want to talk about it.

My MIL is a massive drama queen and does this kind of thing when she hasn't had enough attention or got her own way over something and FIL just goes along for a quiet life.

My reaction to this is WTF, what a drama queen, I'm not getting into this with her and crack on love. I'm pretty sure there is no illness to announce or anything bad going on, I just think she has stewed on all her miseries and is in a sulk as no one is pandering to her every need.

The thing is though that it hurts my DH. He is sensitive and I can see that he is upset and doesn't enjoy conflict and drama. I would love to tell them both that I think they are pathetic and don't call my house again and just leave DH to us (me and our DD's) who love him to bits and don't stress him out. I know that on Christmas Day, this drama will ruin it for him.

Is this batshit or what?

I think it’s cruel for your PIL to act this way. If they have an issue, they should say what it is so that you can sort it out. Anything else is just a manipulation because they aren’t giving you the chance to respond or make things rights. I feel sorry for your DH because presumably he’s been brought up to tread on eggshells around his mother for fear of how she reacts.

PIL wouldn't have an issue saying no, we have alternative plans. We have hosted most Christmases but there have been a few when they have gone on holiday. I don't think they feel bashful about declining.

This kind of passive aggression is infuriating. Why do they not get invited by other siblings? Don't rise to it, booking a restaurant is a great idea. Maybe if they realise later they can't add on to your plans it will teach them a lesson to not be so daft.

After years of running round after other people, I drew a halt some time ago- I think covid put the tin lid on it.

If people won't say what their problem is, I won't waste my time trying to find out. Or worrying about what it is. I don't write them off for ever, I just put them on hold. They can come back to me when they have grown up. I have more important things to do than second guess sulkers and attention seekers, like work, and keeping in touch with other friends and family who may need my help, for a start.

That's Rule 1 of 'Don't let other people f... you about 101'

My mum did something similar one year.

She has never eaten poultry (I never had chicken to eat at home) and I knew I needed to cook some beef for her. Sat down to eat and she announced that she didn't like roast potatoes. What! Literally the first I had heard of it and we definitely had roast potatoes regularly in my childhood. Who doesn't like roast potatoes?

We rarely hosted my parents for meals because there would always be some drama over the food. The one year we had Christmas Dinner in a restaurant went exactly the same way. Too noisy and salmon was dry apparently. Can't win with some people

he’s been brought up to tread on eggshells around his mother for fear of how she reacts.

Yep

Stringing your child along for weeks/months, not telling them what the issue is, then suddenly telling them and expecting them to be remorseful is incredibly controlling and cruel.

This too.

If a member of my family did this to me, and they never have done, I would say, "you don't want to talk to me/ you've sent me to Coventry, like an 8-year old? Fine, don't bother setting an end date for it, let's make it permanent". No one in my family would act like a child like this.

Call her. Ask her what the problem is. Tell her it's fine if they don't want to come for Christmas but that you don't want to see DP upset.

They sound mad. Can you appeal to his dad alone? Not that you should have to. Can never understand parents who treat their children this way, it's so hurtful, adult or not.

I had that once with a friend, though it was accidental. She mistakenly thought something I wrote in a professional journal about a weakness in general in some people's work was targeted on her (it wasn't, she didn't even cross my mind when I was writing it, it was a purely general point). I only found this out through a mutual (and very straight talking) friend, who hadn't helped when she was told by saying 'if the cap fits'. 😬
The friend actually ''cut' me at a professional event, in front of other people and my DH, which was embarrassing.
But I did understand that this was because she felt professionally hurt, not because she was being an arse, and I was patient. I always greeted her pleasantly, ignored the fact she didn't respond, and just waited for her to work out for herself that I hadn't meant it for her. Which, being sensible, she did. We never spoke of it, I made my respect for her work clear in perfectly normal ways, and we are now friends agin- I don't think she will misjudge my motives another time because she trusts I have respect for her now. But, like I said, she was just hurt, and I was very sorry I had been the inadvertant cause of it. She wasn't being needy, controlling, or anything like that. That sort of thing I will not put up with.

girlmom,

I know. I feel that at some point I have to stick up for my DH. I have sat there and seen this go on for so long and it makes my blood boil. He's always in the wrong. If I saw this behaviour to my sibling, DD's or anyone else I'd jump in and stick up for them, so why can't I do it for him? Well, it is because it would cause an almighty drama which she'd love.

Book that restaurant!
And don't tell DH or the PILs yet...hopefully it will be fully booked before they can "join in" once MILs sulk has concluded.

My in laws are just like this, they've been in a grump with me for over a year now, absolutely no idea why. I've just left them to it and slowly reduced contact. Luckily DH doesn't seem to have really noticed or cared, they're hard work 🤷

My PIL did this with my DHs brother. The reason was that my MIL hated my SILs mum and she was going to be there as well. They never told my BIL this (MIL told me though) and just said they wouldn't come. It was ridiculously hurtful as they live walking distance from BIL so could have gone for a couple of hours and then gone home. The upshot was that they were never invited again for anything and instead me an DH ended up having them for years which involved them staying with us for days as we live the other side of the country. I wonder if your MIL has taken against someone else who could be visiting your house?

MIL wont tell you, but after you have been punished enough, about 3 months, she'll then let you know what it was all about.

This is toxic bullying and you all, including DH, need to stand up to it. So in 3 months time when she decides you have been 'punished enough', show no interest and decline any invites and requests to see the grandchildren until PIL can behave like decent human beings.

Your dc need to see how to handle this behaviour and not just give in to it.

Enjoy your Christmas, a meal out sounds lovely. Next year maybe plan a week away?

Yes, that is batshit and YANBU.

Have an amazing family Xmas and when then time comes for MIL to reveal the issue, make sure DH puts his hand up and stops her and tells her he is not interested. The family have to stop enabling her behaviour. She keeps going because she gets away with it. It’s hard the first time to make a stand but so worth it to see the reaction on her face when she realises her games won’t be tolerated any more.

There is a generation that hve no idea how to be angry. It’s exhausting and destructive.

Yes, I am pretty sure this will happen. However, today I will be trying to secure a table for Christmas Dinner in a nice restaurant, something I have wanted to do for years so I don't have to cook. If they change their mind, they won't be able to come as we wont be in.

Excellent plan.

Does your husband realise how manipulative his mother is? She sounds cruel. It can be difficult for adult children to accept or understand what's actually happening when they've been manipulated all their lives. Inside they can kind of revert to children desperate to regain their parent's love and approval.

Taking a bit of the blame here though, I do think I infuriate her.
She has tried this sort of thing with me directly and failed. I just pretended I hadn't noticed. Also, I set myself a rule. When she handed us lemons, I made lemonade with them. I made sure we had an even better time. It's like when people on here don't get an invite somewhere and they are told to go out and have a lovely day, doing something special. I will never sit at home moping, giving her that satisfaction.

I did tell my Dh that I am sick of her. It added to the stress a bit but I was warning him that at some point I think I am going to step in and say something.

So you've invited them for Christmas and they have said that they don't want to come.

Unless you have missed something out of your post then what is the problem?

MN is usually awash with posts saying that someone has been invited somewhere that they really don't want to go and how can they possibly get out of it.

Cue numerous posts saying that "no is a complete sentence" and "it's an invitation not a summons"

Instead of tying themselves in knots inventing excuses they have just said no.

What is wrong with that?

I know that on Christmas Day, this drama will ruin it for him. Is this batshit or what?

What drama though? They have declined your invite. Nothing batshit about that.

My MIL is like this but the difference is my DP doesn't give a shit. He's done with her toxic behaviour and sulking.

Which I'm glad about tbh because she's a fucking drama llama who plays victim all the time.

I would concentrate on supporting your DH to detach from the drama. If he refuses to engage, he defuses her.

Breezy response “OK”. Then ignore. Then when they get back in touch play with straight bat. Either ‘Oh, sorry, we’ve made other plans now as you said you weren’t coming/ OK, lovely to see you for presents on Boxing Day / “, just be polite, straightforward and assertive about your own plans.

If she hints at misbehaviour say directly “If we knew the problem we could sort it out, but we don’t so there we are. Let us know if you want to make a plan to see the kids, have a good day, byeee”

I am sure there are self help books about toxic passive aggressive parents and how to deal with them.

Tell your DH that his parents’ feelings and upsets are not his responsibility unless they explain directly if something is wrong.

Unless you have missed something out of your post then what is the problem?

The bit where MIL makes her displeasure known but won't tell people what they've done.

I don't get the feeling that this was a 'thanks for the invitation but we're planning on having Christmas at home this year.' response.

Exactly this, I just dont get the' batshit' and 'drama'.

I invited PIL one year for christmas a few years ago and her reply was 'I'd love too, but FIL cant be bothered with the kids' Was I offended? no
Did I think it was batshit? No.

I thought it was hilariously honest, I love them both dearly.

From what you describe this is a never ending cycle.

In your place I would source the best therapist for your husband to see.

A gift for him.

A safe place to talk about his relationship with his parents.

He will likely have lightbulb moments which may really help him move forward.

Book that restaurant.
Insist that it goes ahead.

I mean this very kindly, but your husband cannot be allowed to allow his toxic parents to sour his family with you.

He is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his part of the toxic dynamic.

By stepping on and off this toxic merry go round with his mother, and then being upset, he is inflicting it on his family.

He needs to grow up too.

I would hope the counselling would help him.

I would not be making any effort with her going forward.

I would be telling your husband that you are tired of this drama attached to his family and you are bowing out.

He is upset over his family, BUT,....... HE is upsetting you by indulging his mother.

You need to toughen up.
You need to protect your family from your husband and his family drama.

It sounds to me as if he wallows in it.

He needs some tough love from you.

^^This. So familiar to me as well. Sending you off to Coventry without explaining why is control freakery. If your DH is strong enough to ride through the guilt tripping, he should not respond to this.

OP, further to what I said above, try not to make your DH feel like piggy in the middle. In the end, his upset at his Mum’s behaviour isn’t your responsibility either. You have found your own way to not engage and just get on with your own business.

He needs to be able to do the same. But from his own initiative and motivation, not because you have transferred your own power struggle with MIL to using him as a weapon.

Support him, give him perspective, but don’t manipulate or pressurise him.