Is this batshit behaviour or what? (PIL)

[ScoobySnapz]

Last week we invited PIL over for Christmas. It is what usually happens because no one else offers to host.

So we invited them and we were told that they didn't want to come. They aren't going anywhere else, they just don't want to come to "us". PIL are being very off, and we have clearly done something to upset them, but honestly we haven't a clue what it is. Aside from not being the perfect DS and DIL, we really haven't done anything terrible we can think of. DH asked what the problem was and they said they don't want to talk about it.

My MIL is a massive drama queen and does this kind of thing when she hasn't had enough attention or got her own way over something and FIL just goes along for a quiet life.

My reaction to this is WTF, what a drama queen, I'm not getting into this with her and crack on love. I'm pretty sure there is no illness to announce or anything bad going on, I just think she has stewed on all her miseries and is in a sulk as no one is pandering to her every need.

The thing is though that it hurts my DH. He is sensitive and I can see that he is upset and doesn't enjoy conflict and drama. I would love to tell them both that I think they are pathetic and don't call my house again and just leave DH to us (me and our DD's) who love him to bits and don't stress him out. I know that on Christmas Day, this drama will ruin it for him.

Is this batshit or what?

Well done for booking somewhere, I'm also glad to see you'll stick up for your dh when it's appropriate. I'd also suggest your dh gets some counselling to fully see what's going on with his toxic parents and also give him the ability to be able to cope without feeling guilt .

My mum was like this, by the time she'd died I was the only person she was on speakers with, having been cut off for 2 years previously because of my brother's birthday(!).

Anyway I recommend being relentlessly cheerful, don't engage or notice be baffled if the in-laws break and bring the drama out.

You cannot "win" with this behaviour and it will only make you miserable to try.

Zero and Aname

It's not me taking umbrage at a Christmas decline. They are usually the ones chasing us for an invite. In fact, over the years we have had major dramas when we tried to do something else, as I was getting fed up always hosting PIL and some of DH's extended family at my house. They have always got very upset with any alternative plans as Christmas is about family, and not seeing their DGC would be cruel. There are 2 other siblings. One in Australia and another unmarried one living a few hours away.

Our invite is always breezy. We are not doing much, you are very welcome. There is no issue saying we don't want to come, we just want a quiet one, we are doing to Dorset, we are going round to Margarets.....whatever.

She doesn't want to come to our house, and she doesn't want to discuss it.......awkward delay whilst she says no more and DH sits there looking confused then says. "OK, no probs".

Your plan to go out for Christmas lunch is a good one. They won’t be able to change their minds at the last minute and muscle in on your plans.

I do feel for your DH but it’s your PIL who are causing this not you. Just support him as best you can and have a lovely Christmas together.

I the bet the fact you’ve refused to engage with the silly game is part of the issue….I’ve met several people who have similar characteristics.

this….’She doesn't want to come to our house, and she doesn't want to discuss it.......awkward delay whilst she says no more and DH sits there looking confused then says. "OK, no probs".’

so typical! I’m sure the intention is you desperately trying to find out ‘why she doesn’t want to discuss it’ so she gets attention and to feel she’s actually really important. Or something. People like that are beyond tiresome

Seriously, they don’t want to come for Christmas. Why make a big deal out it? Why not just leave it? It’s your DH’s parents. If he’s upset, leave him to talk to them about it. You’re not his mum.

Please tell me you have a ring doorbell so you can record the look on her face when she calls at your place on Christmas Day with presents expecting to be welcomed like the Magi “Gordon, they’re not answering, Gordon. There’s no one home. Why did they invite us if they wasn’t gunna be home, Gordon? Where are they? It’s not fair Gordon!” Stamps foot.

I think you're spot-on in your assessment of this, OP. She wants to max the attention she gets from DH as he tries to coax her to share what's wrong. This could go on for weeks and weeks until just before Christmas.

I think it's great that you're booking a restaurant - a break for you and a monumental up yours to her.

But I do understand how it hurts to see DH hurting. It sounds like he is living in FOG and needs some help to break out of it for good. outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

🤣

I’m sure the intention is you desperately trying to find out ‘why she doesn’t want to discuss it’ so she gets attention and to feel she’s actually really important.

Yes, we are supposed to be very concerned she is upset about something, she can then tell us what we have done wrong and we will get chastised like a 3 year old.

I the bet the fact you’ve refused to engage with the silly game is part of the issue

Yes. I do think the issue has a lot to do with me, and how I am off doing my own thing and not engaging with her.

My MIL is very much someone who has no hobbies, spends 3 hours on the phone a day gossiping and loves an ongoing drama. If there isn't one, she'll create it. She is like Mrs Bennett. Things must be slow, so this is the entertainment.

Sorry OP I know it’s not funny but your MIL reminds me of my 90 plus year old grandmother who is EXACTLY like this and it drives my dad bananas. Don’t worry, just be super breezy and crack on with your plans and wait for her to eventually tell you what your terrible misdemeanour was, fake apologise and move on until the next time. This is my dad’s approach anyway. She’s a mad old bat but we will miss her very much when she eventually goes.

Meh, their problem, their loss. If they change their mind nearer Christmas just tell them you've made different plans now and can't host them.
They (she) needs to learn that she can't just pick and drop people like that.
Take it at face value and carry on without them.

Your poor DH, @ScoobySnapz I imagine he's had a lifetime of this & is still no wiser. :-(
You & the kids just pile extra love on him, hopefully he'll eventually realise that she IS batshit & that he doesn't need the aggravation.
I hope your Christmas Day booking is confirmed, & I hope you all have the best Christmas EVER!

They sound like a bloody nightmare, OP. You've got their measure and I applaud your take-no-BS attitude. Your DH married well.

Or don't announce they're coming, and just turn up and expect you to have enough food for them?

Definitely go out for Christmas lunch. And in the meantime support DH to the hilt on 'taking a bit of a break' from his DPs.

I think what's important is that your plans don't revolve around them because no-one else invites them.

Interesting comment about your MIL. My mum is like this, expects you to be a mind reader and gets stroppy and huffy when you don't know what the problem is or what she needs. I nipped this is the bud ages ago - if you don't or can't say what you want mean then I move on and forget about it. Ignore stroppy silent treatment.

In this situation I would really put my foot down, they would now not be coming under any circumstances.

What Sparkletastic said. Enjoy your day!

Dh and I did something terrible when kids were tiny. We were never told what it actually was but phones were put down and we were ignored birthday cards signed with names only. Eventually we were forgiven our mystery crime.

I would contact her as soon as possible, just to confirm that she is not coming for Christmas. I would let her know that you acknowledge they are not coming so you are making other plans.

Then make other plans, safe in the knowledge that you have done everything in a completely honourable way. There can be no accusations on the 23rd of December of you being sneaky and underhand.

Then you can put the nonsense aside, and enjoy the run up to Christmas, not worrying that she will explode when she finds out you’re going out to lunch.

On another point, how old are your DDs? (Sorry if I have missed that.)
You and your DH need to protect them from Granny going batshit at Christmas. If you let this fester, there is a good chance that DH will be upset at Christmas. And no matter how hard he tries to hide it, it will affect this time for you and your children.

Good luck!

I the bet the fact you’ve refused to engage with the silly game is part of the issue….I’ve met several people who have similar characteristics.

Sounds bang on to me. Tantrumming little children hate it when proper grown-ups don't let them dictate. She sounds like the people on Facebook who will post cryptic 'put me in the centre' messages, expecting everybody to come running with concern.

The best thing is to give them what they CLAIM that they want and take them literally, making it clear that you aren't going to bite.

"Would you like to come to ours for Christmas?"
"NO - we DON'T WANT TO!!!"
"Ah, no probs - hope you have a good day, whatever you're doing."

Babies who throw their precious teddies out of the pram get them returned to them when they cry; very much overgrown babies who do the same quickly learn that their teddy is now gone for good.

Honestly @ScoobySnapz I think you’re doing exactly the right thing not rising to bait of pandering to see what’s wrong. I’d get the meal and deposit paid quickly so there is no going back.
If they’re that desperate to see you over Christmas they can host you on Boxing Day.

OP if you can afford it i would use this chance to visit another city. Somewhere warm like portugal or spain? The more distance you put between MIL and your family unit, the better.
otherwise the meal out plan is super! When you get lemons, make lemonade. And use this opportunity for your dh to bond/spend time with his DC.

Your plan to go out is genius
because by Christmas she will have moved on and miraculously changed her mind, bet you a fiver and a bottle of gin

Love your idea of Christmas lunch out as a solution, OP! We've had similar for decades with DH's parents. Sulking, mysterious silences, game playing where only they knew the rules, playing one sibling off against another all their lives for maximum division and attempted drama. It was exhausting. In the end DH and his sibling stopped indulging it and came to the conclusion that their relationship (and ours as two families with our kids being cousins) was more important than trying to jump through their parents' weird pass-agg hoops. They finally have good direct communication and mutual support and keep the parents at arms' length a bit while keeping an eye on their welfare, while I as the 'problem' DIL (despite never having done anything specifically wrong as far as we can tell other than getting on with life, work, parenting etc) have just taken a complete step back, minimal direct contact, always bright and breezy when I see them. Invitations are still issued and rejected, absolutely like water off a duck's back now. Realising that it really isn't any of you, it's them, and deciding not to get sucked in is a revelation.