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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and her constant trips down memory lane

199 replies

popsoc · 31/10/2022 16:02

Does anyone else's mother or MIL take constant trips down memory lane? At any opportunity remembering what their kids did / ate, how they mothered them etc ?

My mother rarely does this. She mainly does it in private and not in front of others. MIL just cannot help herself and has to refer everything back to how she did it and tells tales of the olden days a lot. It's so boring. She makes it all about her. Even my DH finds it so annoying.

Also, constantly pushing her traditions on us and our kids. It's just all about her and what she did and how great it all was.

Examples include :

I buy my DS a special coat and she goes on about how she still has her children's coat and must give it to us.

Her wanting to carry on traditions she had with her kids, like a special broach they all have. My kids have to have one too now. A special prayer she used to say to them, she now wants to teach to my kids.

Just small examples. But they add up. I know that it's not mean of her, but it excludes me, doesn't it. It's all about their thing and what they did. My mum might tell me things in private - like, ' oh it would be fun if you send DD to ballet, like you used to, maybe she'll enjoy it'. But she won't make a whole saga out of it. Whereas MIL will give me a huge trip down memory Lane about how she took her DD to ballet and if I take my DD, she'll say ' aw look, DD is doing ballet, just like her aunt did '.. I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids. Like I'm just an irrelevant third party anyway and my kids are basically an extension of her own children.
Annoying. Rant over !

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 16:08

Sorry but you sound awful, she just sounds like a devoted Grandmother, Why shouldnt she share her family traditions with y'know her family.

In what way is it excluding you? Is she doing things behind your back?

Just because your Mother doesn't do it doesn't make it wrong.

You sound scared your kids might actually enjoy a relationship with her.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 16:12

I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids

What does that even mean you don't have a childhood to share with your kids?

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 31/10/2022 16:13

If it's getting on your nerves then just ignore it and carry on doing as you were before? It's up to you and your DH if you take up her traditions or not. I think she sounds okay as long as it's not constant, overbearing and she's trying to force things on you. Just say 'that's a nice memory but not something we will be taking up' and then change the conversation. Sure she will soon get the message

Original poster
popsoc · 31/10/2022 16:14

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 16:12

I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids

What does that even mean you don't have a childhood to share with your kids?

Well, like I'm not even there. When I say, oh I also used to do ballet or whatever it might be and try to tell stories I just get ignored.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 31/10/2022 16:15

You really sound quite petty and cold towards your MIL who has said nothing wrong from what you have posted. The

DownToTheSeaAgain · 31/10/2022 16:16

As reasons to dislike you MIL go this is pretty lame. Why shouldn't she relate things back to her time as a young mother. You are not required to act upon anything.

Original poster
popsoc · 31/10/2022 16:18

DownToTheSeaAgain · 31/10/2022 16:16

As reasons to dislike you MIL go this is pretty lame. Why shouldn't she relate things back to her time as a young mother. You are not required to act upon anything.

There are definitely many more reason. We don't get on. I try to avoid interactions at all costs, as she's been emotionally abusive towards me in the past.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 16:20

popsoc · 31/10/2022 16:18

There are definitely many more reason. We don't get on. I try to avoid interactions at all costs, as she's been emotionally abusive towards me in the past.

Show quote history

Is this where you start drip feeding the terrible abusive things she has done?

kitcat15 · 31/10/2022 16:20

You obviously just hate your MIL …..you don’t need to justify it to random strangers of MN…..if you hate her you hate her🙄

Original poster
popsoc · 31/10/2022 16:21

@ZeroFuchsGiven haha no thanks. I already posted about that a while ago anyway and everyone was in agreement that she was vile.

OP posts:
1982mommaof4 · 31/10/2022 16:21

Sorry OP but I think you need to get a grip. Your MIL sounds like she just loves her children and now her grandchildren.

I'm not even sure what it is that bothers you.

upanddownandupanddown · 31/10/2022 16:22

Another perspective. I remember my grandparents telling stories from
their childhood, and I was
bored by them at the time, especially the ones they repeated over and over. But, now I don’t have any grandparents, and those stories are remembered fondly and I also wish I’d asked them more (particularly about what it was like in WW2 etc.)

Tell some of your own stories when MIL is
not there. My kids love hearing about things that happened when I was their age!

thinkingalways · 31/10/2022 16:24

I’m going to go against the grain and say I understand as my MIL does this too. So I know what you mean and it’s very hard to get across to others.

It annoys me as I feel it’s lazy too. Instead of getting my children gifts they like based on their personalities or interests she blindly buys what she got for her kids and the other grandkids.

But with mine I’ve always felt she’s in some kind of competition with my mum and family so the constant bringing things round to her and hers is an extension of that.

I try to ignore and sympathise as I’m sentimental too and will no doubt miss my children being little when they have grown. I think it comes from that and a fear of being pushed out - which comes from her poor relationship with my husband and lack of interest in me/us pre-kids but that’s another story!

ImAvingOops · 31/10/2022 16:25

When there's a backstory of shitty things mil has done but aren't included in the OP, it really makes it impossible to say who ibu.
This could be something or it could be nothing. It would be better if you gave posters the full story because on the face of it, this behaviour in isolation is irritating but not a big problem.

JudgeJ · 31/10/2022 16:26

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 16:08

Sorry but you sound awful, she just sounds like a devoted Grandmother, Why shouldnt she share her family traditions with y'know her family.

In what way is it excluding you? Is she doing things behind your back?

Just because your Mother doesn't do it doesn't make it wrong.

You sound scared your kids might actually enjoy a relationship with her.

The OP will be doing exactly the same thing in 20 or 30 years time! Why can't people realise that the majority of people's moans are nothing new and they're nothing special.

MRSE20 · 31/10/2022 16:26

From your examples she just sounds like a normal grandmother remembering the old days of her children being younger. I’m expecting my first soon and both my mum and MIL have been telling me their stories about having newborns / children at home.

Original poster
popsoc · 31/10/2022 16:26

1982mommaof4 · 31/10/2022 16:21

Sorry OP but I think you need to get a grip. Your MIL sounds like she just loves her children and now her grandchildren.

I'm not even sure what it is that bothers you.

I just feel like she's trying to make it all about her and her kids, all the time. If it was the occasional story or item that she was talking about, it wouldn't be so terrible. It's just all the time.

' do you remember when ' is the lowest form of conversation.. especially when you're with people who can't remember when, because they were not there.

I think it's also just because we don't see eye to eye generally. But she also does it excessively. My DH agrees that she has to make everything about herself.

OP posts:
Winniewoooooooo · 31/10/2022 16:27

OP I have this but its my mother who does it so slightly different.
To my horror she saved alot of my toys, dresses etc and even now (DC are 17 and 19) she will try and off load some faux heirloom for their 'bottom draw' - now I just roll my eyes and tell her to stop loading them up with her junk.
And if they aren't like me in some respect they are like my brothers- not there dad - my ex also just rolls his eyes.
But I found the pressure constant when they younger.
My advice. Laugh it off and ignore. Your children will thank you one day.

Namechanger965 · 31/10/2022 16:31

I don’t see an issue with it, your child is half her child, so she’s bound to see similarities between them that remind her of her children being small. My DS is the spitting image of DH at the same age and MIL says quite often how he’s just like DH and how it’s just like having DH as a baby again. It’s not meant to exclude me, it’s just that he reminds her of DH.

JudgeJ · 31/10/2022 16:31

upanddownandupanddown · 31/10/2022 16:22

Another perspective. I remember my grandparents telling stories from
their childhood, and I was
bored by them at the time, especially the ones they repeated over and over. But, now I don’t have any grandparents, and those stories are remembered fondly and I also wish I’d asked them more (particularly about what it was like in WW2 etc.)

Tell some of your own stories when MIL is
not there. My kids love hearing about things that happened when I was their age!

When my Aunt died, Mum's sister, we were waiting for the Vicar to arrive at the house to discuss arrangements and Mum started talking about th'olden days when they were growing up in the 20s and 30s, my OH whispered We should have a tape recorder running, and I wish we had. Family history seems very boring to young people but as one gets older interest increases because what we are now it partly determined by what's gone before.

TwentyForty · 31/10/2022 16:32

I get you, OP.

Everything with my MIL simply has to relate back to her, with a very very boring, long winded repeated story about whatever subject it is.

She constantly interrupts, it's so rude. She is incapable of listening. She never asks how I am doing (or DH). It's all about her. For example, If you tell her you've been on holiday, she will immediately tell you about EVERY holiday she's been on, in DETAIL. But won't ask where you went or if you had a good time.

I now avoid her at all costs. Trouble is, DH hates the way she is too and refuses to see her without me there as 'back up' so he never visits at all, which is a bit sad. Then I feel guilty and organise a meet, and within 5 mins I'm utterly exhausted and vow never again!!

Namechanger965 · 31/10/2022 16:33

' do you remember when ' is the lowest form of conversation.. especially when you're with people who can't remember when, because they were not there.

This is ridiculous and quite honestly you need to get a grip. It is not the ‘lowest form of conversation’. Why can’t you have a conversation with her about things you weren’t there for? Are you not capable of talking to her about things you DH did as a child or what he was like growing up? Or talk to people at all about things you weren’t there for?

Theydoyaknow · 31/10/2022 16:34

Grow up OP.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 31/10/2022 16:34

I think it's also just because we don't see eye to eye generally. But she also does it excessively. My DH agrees that she has to make everything about herself.

Whereas you want it to be all about you. You don't come over at all well, OP. very unpleasant.

barbrahunter · 31/10/2022 16:34

Actually I see what you mean, OP. It's like she wants to re-live her days when her children were little, but replace her children with your children. I don't know if I would say anything to her, but it would start to piss me off if she were always doing it.