MIL and her constant trips down memory lane

[popsoc]

Does anyone else's mother or MIL take constant trips down memory lane? At any opportunity remembering what their kids did / ate, how they mothered them etc ?

My mother rarely does this. She mainly does it in private and not in front of others. MIL just cannot help herself and has to refer everything back to how she did it and tells tales of the olden days a lot. It's so boring. She makes it all about her. Even my DH finds it so annoying.

Also, constantly pushing her traditions on us and our kids. It's just all about her and what she did and how great it all was.

Examples include :

I buy my DS a special coat and she goes on about how she still has her children's coat and must give it to us.

Her wanting to carry on traditions she had with her kids, like a special broach they all have. My kids have to have one too now. A special prayer she used to say to them, she now wants to teach to my kids.

Just small examples. But they add up. I know that it's not mean of her, but it excludes me, doesn't it. It's all about their thing and what they did. My mum might tell me things in private - like, ' oh it would be fun if you send DD to ballet, like you used to, maybe she'll enjoy it'. But she won't make a whole saga out of it. Whereas MIL will give me a huge trip down memory Lane about how she took her DD to ballet and if I take my DD, she'll say ' aw look, DD is doing ballet, just like her aunt did '.. I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids. Like I'm just an irrelevant third party anyway and my kids are basically an extension of her own children.
Annoying. Rant over !

That is what i dont understand, Op says she is abusive but really if that was the backstory about her terrible MIL then it would have been in the op, she wouldnt be complaining about her MIL sharing stories with her kids as the AIBU.

One of the things I miss most about not having DP, or Mum and Dad around any more is not being able to go down memory lane with them.

She might go on a bit, but it actually sounds like she's trying to include you rather than exclude you.

She's saying (according to you) here is the story of me picking a coat, just as you've picked a coat, or here is the time x happened, see you continuing as x happened with your kids.

One day, you'll see your grandchild & they'll see Santa for the first time or have their first day at school & it will remind you of your kid seeing Santa/starting school etc...

What exactly is so bad about what she is saying?

I think you just don't like her & while she may have done other things that gave you a reason to dislike her, this is not one of them.

It's the kind of thing people really miss when it's gone because family isn't just about this week, it's about all the members, old & new.

One day, you'll be remembering the time something special to you happened.
Will it hurt you if someone rolls their eyes at your precious memories because those memories are not all about them?

If you have traditions with your kids when you they are small, don't you hope that when they grow up they will remember them fondly & maybe carry on with at least some of them?

She is more like you than you want to admit, because she too is a mother.

It sounds like you wish your MIL didn't exist & that only you count in your husbands history.

You are her, she's just a few years ahead of who you will become when your kids have kids.

It doesn't sound that bad the way you've written it but I had a colleague who was a bit like this and she used to drive me mad. She just talked about herself non-stop. She constantly went on about her family and took any opportunity to make things about her or regale us with a tale from her past. She sometimes used to ask me a question about myself, which was always quite surprising, but then she'd wait for me to say a few sentences and then butt in to tell me all about herself instead. She once even took the opportunity to boast about how good she was at spelling and how she applied to join mensa (was rejected but she knew she got the questions right...) while a workmate was telling us he was worried that his child was struggling academically. I really wanted to tell her to shut up and stop making everything about herself!

I can absolutely imagine what you're describing - that the children you have produced are more related to her than you and you were merely an incubator. I really don't know how you should handle it. I'm not sure people as self absorbed as that are ever going to gain awareness or insight into their behaviour so you'll either need to learn some ways to shut it down or stop engaging with her so much.

This might be a case of 'don't sweat the small stuff', OP. I get that it might be irritating, especially if it's all the time, but we should all choose our battles carefully. This isn't one I'd personally choose or waste much head-space over.

She isn't being gratuitously spiteful, and if this is her worst attempt at parental alienation I don't think you have much to worry about. As for being invalidated or airbrushed out, my MiL won't even acknowledge my own name!

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I don't think, as some of the more OTT posts have suggested above, that it makes you a terrible person, or 'hard work', or unpleasant, or any of the other (predictable) AIBU insults that are being leveled at you. In your shoes, I'd roll my eyes and let this one slide.

Oral traditions passed from one family to another are the reason why we have such a rich, vibrant tapestry of different stories, fairy tales, even religions. It’s part of the human condition, to share what you know with the next generation.

Of course you’ll do it to your children’s children, just as you tell those tales & stories to your own children.

Believe me, I had Satan reincarnate as one mother in law, telling all & sundry I was a heroin addict, that we’d moved to Papua New Guinea, that I was abusing my children - that was fun - I know she had extreme issues with mental illness but having the Police turn up because she was sending someone round to kidnap my kids who was being released from the psych ward who had been in prison for kidnap, well, that was a bloody hard week! I don’t recommend a diagnosed narcissist as a MIL.

But I digress. My other mother in law (my son’s Gran) is still absolutely wonderful, accepting my now husband & our daughter into her family, and it breaks my heart that she’s very elderly & ill. I had a truly dysfunctional childhood & she taught me what a real family was like. Those tales & experiences (and her epic stuffing recipe) will be passed on to my children, as the stories of my children will be passed to their children.

With my other MIL, I learned to just smile, nod & say thank you. What’s the point in rocking the boat when the sea was stormy enough?

Surely you are with your children a lot more than they are with MIL? You can tell them how you used to do ballet, for example. And when MIL mentions it, you can join in, asking what colour leotard her daughter had to wear, because yours was pink, or whatever. Just turn the reminiscing speeches into a conversation about that topic. She's probably just dead bored and wants a conversation.

Your kids ARE an extension of her children. She sounds like a nice old Granny to me. My MIL never talks about the past and I find it very odd. If I say ‘oh how old was DH when he started walking’ or ‘Did you find it hard working and juggling childcare?’ She says ‘no idea, can’t remember.’ I’d love to hear about the past a bit more. Just be grateful your DH is from a loving home.

Grow up, and stop being so pathetic !

' do you remember when ' is the lowest form of conversation

No, it absolutely isn't, and it's entirely normal to see life in the context of family and the passing on of traditions, experiences etc to younger generations. It's very important to some people and quite understandable, particularly if you've lost your own parents, are aware you're getting older yourself, and want to feel a sense of continuity, that your experiences and memories matter.

Well if that’s all you’ve got to worry about I envy you!! I can’t see what the problem is.

Doesn't matter if it is about your MIL or your children, it is always annoying when someone fills other people's lives with the stories that nobody is asking for.

Oh yeah I nipped any of that in the bud, 1st Christmas with our first child my mil expected us to spend the entire time at their house doing their Christmas. I said it's great you have all your traditions but now it's time for us to make our own in our own home. She cried all christmas over it (apparently) 🙄. We went round boxing day at 8am so we saw some relatives before they left and stayed all day, but this wasn't enough for my in laws they bollocked my husband for him chosing to have Christmas at home with his wife and child. We've never been anywhere near at Christmas since. I hate being dictated to, we'll spend our Christmas how we chose to! So yes I get why you are annoyed, it's like they want to carry on their own traditions as your kids are family (I've had this said more than once about my kids being their family - I'm just the vessel that carries them, im not important 🤣) it's as though your kids are their chance at a second go doing the same things allover again.

I get where you’re coming from too. My MiL used to do the same when my kids were small, she still does it, but not so much.

My oldest daughter is a brilliant artist - she takes after MiL (I’m also arty and crafty)

When DD went to uni - she took after DH’s cousin - er, hello? My brother and I went to uni too

DD2 is massively into horses and riding - takes after DH’s sister who always used to beg to go on the pony rides at the local village fete. My family have always been very horsey, my Dad grew up on a farm and rode all the time.

It was annoying, it still is, but I just nod and smile. She was proud of her grandchildren and her family. My kids take it for what it is and treat it as one of Granny’s quirks.

She also used to try and rail road all her family traditions with Christmas and Birthdays and stuff like that. I did stand my ground with that - I wanted to introduce my family traditions too - and we came to a bit of a truce.

I just don't see the issue. Sounds harmless to me.

MIL will give me a huge trip down memory Lane about how she took her DD to ballet and if I take my DD, she'll say ' aw look, DD is doing ballet, just like her aunt did '.. I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids

Or, MIL is including you in the family by sharing info about the past?

Honestly, some people on here could start an argument in an empty room

He is just trying to rephrase Transwomen are Women to make opponents sound unreasonable.

Numbers simply so not matter.

Transwomen are not women however many there are.

Whats your opinion on old wives tales?

This kind of conversation leaves no room for the present. Whatever is being discussed it isn't the children in the room. It gets a bit boring IME. Just a constant stream of 'back to me!'

When I read your first post OP, I immediately thought there's more to this as I've had a similar situation! I do sympathise. Personally I opted for the smile and nod approach but we are all different! It sounds like you have your husband's support?

Like I'm just an irrelevant third party anyway and my kids are basically an extension of her own children

Mmm. Our boys are the utter spit of DH's family, so when we had our daughter, MIL turned to FIL and said rather pointedly 'And this is what our daughter would have looked like if you'd ever agreed to have one.'

DD is immediately recognisable as a Mini String to anyone who knows my side of the family. Hah.

However.

Do listen to the stories, OP, if you can bear it, or get H to do so. We currently have three out of four of the older generation suffering various memory problems, and chatting about the past is one of their pleasures.

I see what you mean, that does sound annoying.
I'd say something like "we want to make new traditions for our family".

I don't think she's making it about her. She's just someone who thinks about the past a lot. My mum lives in the present but my dad lives in the past. Most of what he talks about is long, rambling stories from the past that we've heard before. I key him talk though. He's lonely and doesn't talk to many people. I personally would let her talk.

Or maybe you could acknowledge and take an interest in what she is saying and tell her that sounds really great - and then go on to talk about the ideas you have for your children.

I honestly think that you are being oversensitive to little things that your MIL says and the poor woman can do nothing right. It might help both of you if you could try and put a positive spin on the things she says, unless of course she descends into open criticism or unkindness, which it really does not sound is the case.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Jesus, you sound like a real delight! Wow....