Page 4 | MIL and her constant trips down memory lane

popsoc · 2022-10-31T16:02:25+00:00

Does anyone else's mother or MIL take constant trips down memory lane? At any opportunity remembering what their kids did / ate, how they mothered them etc ? My mother rarely does this. She mainly does it in private and not in front of others. MIL just cannot help herself and has to refer everything back to how she did it and tells tales of the olden days a lot. It's so boring. She makes it all about her. Even my DH finds it so annoying. Also, constantly pushing her traditions on us and our kids. It's just all about her and what she did and how great it all was. Examples include : I buy my DS a special coat and she goes on about how she still has her children's coat and must give it to us. Her wanting to carry on traditions she had with her kids, like a special broach they all have. My kids have to have one too now. A special prayer she used to say to them, she now wants to teach to my kids. Just small examples. But they add up. I know that it's not mean of her, but it excludes me, doesn't it. It's all about their thing and what they did. My mum might tell me things in private - like, ' oh it would be fun if you send DD to ballet, like you used to, maybe she'll enjoy it'. But she won't make a whole saga out of it. Whereas MIL will give me a huge trip down memory Lane about how she took her DD to ballet and if I take my DD, she'll say ' aw look, DD is doing ballet, just like her aunt did '.. I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids. Like I'm just an irrelevant third party anyway and my kids are basically an extension of her own children. Annoying. Rant over !

Mischance · 31/10/2022 17:54

I am just recording and transcribing the memories of a lady in the village who is 92 - it is fascinating. Charles III is the fifth monarch in her life!

RobertaFirmino · 31/10/2022 17:55

' do you remember when ' is the lowest form of conversation..

Seriously? Of all the vile and nasty things people say, you think reminiscing is the worst? You must have led a really sheltered life.

Jampage · 31/10/2022 17:55

I hear you OP, my mil was the same ad infinitum. What made it worse was my dh used to disappear to the tv room & fall asleep leaving me to endure the long stories. But I learnt a lot about her history which I can now pass on to my dc. Try & cut her some slack. You'll be telling your own stories one day.

Maray1967 · 31/10/2022 17:57

I would find this annoying if there is no space there for you and your family. My MIL has handled this well, referring to things I and my brother do, things my parents did, not just her side of the family. I can see how it looks like she is excluding you repeatedly from your own children’s lives which I would have pushed back hard against, politely but firmly. So with the ballet I would say ‘yes, I’m hoping she will carry on to grade whatever as I did.’ If she repeatedly references your SIL over you, I’d say’well of course she’s taking after me as I’m her mother!’

FamSender · 31/10/2022 17:57

My mum does this. Every new story is related to one bigger, better, funnier from her past. It is tedious as like someone said up thread it leaves no space for the present. But it is also reminiscing and all she has left in way so I indulge it now and join in or smile. No skin off my nose and I am not in competition with her.

Maray1967 · 31/10/2022 17:58

If she’s mostly reminiscing about the old days I’d find that interesting, though.

oakleaffy · 31/10/2022 17:59

Wow you are mean :(
Of course your MIL isn’t saying or doing things to exclude you, that’s just paranoid.
Stuff like this is normal, and she sounds lovely.

HauntedCabinet · 31/10/2022 17:59

My Grandma does this a lot. It's age, in her.

It's about her not really being too attached to the present, instead she resonates much more with her past. Talking about what she did with her children comforts her. It allows her to spend a few minutes living in a time when she was younger, healthier, more vibrant and more happy.

The stories are often repeated and it's the telling them that is valuabale to her, not really whether you want to hear them. Again, I am convinced it's because she finds great comfort in spending a few minutes back in a time when her family was young and life was at its best.

oakleaffy · 31/10/2022 18:04

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 16:12

I know it sound silly and miserable, but it adds up and makes me feel alienated from my kids and like I never had a childhood to share with my own kids

What does that even mean you don't have a childhood to share with your kids?

This made me laugh😂🎃
As if we suddenly appeared as adults , like a different species, and never were children at all.

ellalina · 31/10/2022 18:07

A lot of people who are developing dementia take trips down memory lane. It’s a a way to hold onto distant memories when more recent ones are getting trickier to recall.
have you considered this possibility?

Original poster

popsoc · 31/10/2022 18:08

Maray1967 · 31/10/2022 17:57

I would find this annoying if there is no space there for you and your family. My MIL has handled this well, referring to things I and my brother do, things my parents did, not just her side of the family. I can see how it looks like she is excluding you repeatedly from your own children’s lives which I would have pushed back hard against, politely but firmly. So with the ballet I would say ‘yes, I’m hoping she will carry on to grade whatever as I did.’ If she repeatedly references your SIL over you, I’d say’well of course she’s taking after me as I’m her mother!’

Yeah it's with every attribute my children have as well. Nothing is ever referred back to me or my family. ' oh they'll be good at XYX like auntie Jean '.. ignoring the fact that I am good at XYZ.. physical attributes are always ignored as well. Even by her children. They find it hard to say my kids might look like me. Always referring back to themselves.. ' we also had blonde hair when we were kids ' etc..

They always look like their aunt and uncle etc. not even their dad ! If the stories were about their dad, I wouldn't mind so much, but they're about the other kids mostly.

Oh and someone on here said that my family don't see my kids etc. that's not true. We spend time together. Just not as many trips down memory Lane

OP posts:

Mlb123 · 31/10/2022 18:09

I am another one who understands what you mean. In your opening post you were vague and kept the examples generalised in an attempt to be fair and to not be seen as condemning your mil too soon . It backfired though because posters couldn't see what you are having done to you by mil which is that she is trying to negate everything with her own experiences. That's certain because when you try to do the same and join in she ignores you demonstrating that you're not important . She knows what she is doing and it's so insidious that others are easily fooled Inyo believing that she's just a loving grandmother with a mean, jealous daughter in law. Well you aren't and I understand xxxx

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 31/10/2022 18:09

Wrong thing to start a thread about I think.

PersonaNonGarter · 31/10/2022 18:10

YABU. And just a bit unpleasant.

Original poster

popsoc · 31/10/2022 18:13

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 31/10/2022 18:09

Wrong thing to start a thread about I think.

Why ? Just because people disagree ? That's what aibu is all about isn't it ?

OP posts:

Notherereally1 · 31/10/2022 18:13

I think we may have to same MIL. Others don't get it and when you say it aloud it does sound petty but I completely get it. My son drinks milk, oh his daddy drank milk when he was that age, my son got a tooth, oh his daddy got a tooth at that age blah blah blah. It's completely draining. My son is very like me now that he's older and everyone comments on it......except my MIL. My DH just laughs about it, he knows what she's like.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/10/2022 18:14

Well personally I think you’re being ridiculous. I can’t relate to
you feeling left out of your children’s lives because your MIL likes to reminisce. You’ll do the same when your kids are grown.

' do you remember when ' is the lowest form of conversation.

have you never had older relatives or something?

BagOfBollocks · 31/10/2022 18:16

You've made yourself sound awful here OP.

Are you not a great conversationalist yourself?

Original poster

popsoc · 31/10/2022 18:16

Notherereally1 · 31/10/2022 18:13

I think we may have to same MIL. Others don't get it and when you say it aloud it does sound petty but I completely get it. My son drinks milk, oh his daddy drank milk when he was that age, my son got a tooth, oh his daddy got a tooth at that age blah blah blah. It's completely draining. My son is very like me now that he's older and everyone comments on it......except my MIL. My DH just laughs about it, he knows what she's like.

A bit of that is totally normal and OK. But there's a limit.

OP posts:

MargaretThursday · 31/10/2022 18:18

I know what you mean here. It's not the "that's like xyz" it's the constant everything has to equate to a member of the IL.

I think it peaked with MIL when dd1 was around 2yo and she stayed for the weekend and literally every word, movement etc was equated to dh or one of his siblings. Even silly little things such as eye colour (we have the same eye colour) and the way she carried her plate to the table, the movement she did when putting on her shoes, the way she pushed her hair back... it was never-ending.

Eventually near the end of the visit, we were going over to the park and dd was walking next to me, and I put my hand down to take her hand to cross the road and she put her hands behind her back.
"Oh! Look!" cried mil "That's exactly how James used to walk round. He walked like that all the time."
By this point I was getting a bit snappy, so I pointed out that she wasn't walking round like that, merely objecting to me taking her hand to cross the road.
"Freddie did that too...."

I think fil had a word with her afterwards as she was never that bad again, and actually I could see him rolling his eyes at the above conversation.

FLOWER1982 · 31/10/2022 18:20

Yabu

Mlb123 · 31/10/2022 18:20

popsoc · 31/10/2022 18:08

Yeah it's with every attribute my children have as well. Nothing is ever referred back to me or my family. ' oh they'll be good at XYX like auntie Jean '.. ignoring the fact that I am good at XYZ.. physical attributes are always ignored as well. Even by her children. They find it hard to say my kids might look like me. Always referring back to themselves.. ' we also had blonde hair when we were kids ' etc..

They always look like their aunt and uncle etc. not even their dad ! If the stories were about their dad, I wouldn't mind so much, but they're about the other kids mostly.

Oh and someone on here said that my family don't see my kids etc. that's not true. We spend time together. Just not as many trips down memory Lane

Show quote history

Oh the mil and the ones who can't see any positives as being because of you is because they are self obsessed and those people have to even work compliments to their own family members as being a compliment to them. I have family that are like this and compliments towards me are only tolerated if they are a compliment that is a compliment to them. For eg . If anyone says to my mam that I am pretty then she would be happy only if they added 'of course that's because she takes after her mother' and my mother will even prompt them by saying 'yes , people always say that she looks like me ' or will say in a mock joke tone 'its as she takes after her mother' etc. If a person shut that down by saying something like 'isnt she pretty ? She looks so much like her dad!' then my mam would say something derogatory about my dad or about the person saying it or on a particularly bad day both and it would likely be along the lines of 'well you best get to Specsavers as it's not a compliment saying she looks like her dad! Poor M is too polite to say anything ,but later I know she will be going mad about you insulting her!' cue fake laugh complete with dagger eyes lol xxx

Original poster

popsoc · 31/10/2022 18:21

MargaretThursday · 31/10/2022 18:18

I know what you mean here. It's not the "that's like xyz" it's the constant everything has to equate to a member of the IL.

I think it peaked with MIL when dd1 was around 2yo and she stayed for the weekend and literally every word, movement etc was equated to dh or one of his siblings. Even silly little things such as eye colour (we have the same eye colour) and the way she carried her plate to the table, the movement she did when putting on her shoes, the way she pushed her hair back... it was never-ending.

Eventually near the end of the visit, we were going over to the park and dd was walking next to me, and I put my hand down to take her hand to cross the road and she put her hands behind her back.
"Oh! Look!" cried mil "That's exactly how James used to walk round. He walked like that all the time."
By this point I was getting a bit snappy, so I pointed out that she wasn't walking round like that, merely objecting to me taking her hand to cross the road.
"Freddie did that too...."

I think fil had a word with her afterwards as she was never that bad again, and actually I could see him rolling his eyes at the above conversation.

Ahahah brilliant...

The hands things too.. I've heard that.. or ' Harry used to walk on his tip toes '. ' Rachel loved her milk too '.. etc etc.. not even including DH really. More the siblings.

OP posts:

Chomolungma · 31/10/2022 18:21

Not my MIL but my FIL. He talks constantly about the past and tells stories again and again from 70 years ago. Yes it is boring!

Ekátn · 31/10/2022 18:23

I can’t believe you think memories are the lowest form of conversation or alienating.

My kids love stories about my childhood or their grandparents lives. Memories are so important. My kids love knowing their grandparents memories, things they did. It’s how they learn about them and the past.

Kids like talking about memories as well. At what age do you expect your kids to stop bringing up a nice memory from their childhoods.

I take it you never talk about anything that happened in the past. Don’t tell colleagues about something you did outside work, never shared something from your childhood with friends or your dh or any Exs. You never mention anything that happened in the past?

I am guessing you do, but just don’t view it as isolating to others or a low form of conversation.

You don’t like her. So you won’t like anything she does. But deciding it means she is trying to stop you sharing your own childhood is weird.

And the whole ‘she thinks they look like their familiy’ people often see their own relatives in kids. Again, don’t see the issue.

She may have been awful to you. But I think it’s got to the point where you are part of the problem too.