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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family party will be a disaster?

114 replies

Mummyongin · 31/10/2022 06:55

Ok, so maybe disaster is a bit dramatic but I’m worried that my mum is mostly planning it and she hasn’t got a grip. Do I need to intervene?

My mum and her sister are hosting a joint 70th birthday party in January. It will be first family celebration for years, with relatives coming from all over the country and loads of kids aged 0-14.

So far they have a hall hired. They have no food, no entertainment, no invites have gone out. They have no plan for how to entertain the kids. They are worried about the impact of loud music on those hard of hearing. They are both quite introverted individuals but the rest of the family is not and I’m seriously worried! Should I be?

OP posts:
Arayes · 31/10/2022 10:18

Why do people keep saying its October? It's November tomorrow and caterers/musicians/entertainers take bookings months in advance. The party could be early January and they may not be able to find anyone decent if they don't get moving on it right now....

Fimofriend · 31/10/2022 10:23

They still have time to order a caterer.

If you are worried about the children being bored, bring some balls, board games, paper, crayons, and books.

I wouldn't worry about music. People are going to want to be able to talk with each other which can be difficult enough without background music.

ferneytorro · 31/10/2022 10:24

You don’t say what your counselling was for but (and I’m trying very hard not to project) I think you need to put your energy into not feeling responsible for the party. If people come and it’s boring or not catered it’s nothing to do with you, not your fault. Will you feel embarrassed on your mums behalf do you think, again you need to explore that feeling, sit with it etc . Detach , detach, detach would be my advice.

JudgeRindersMinder · 31/10/2022 10:31

Razzle5 · 31/10/2022 08:24

2x 70 year olds arranging a bash in a hall?

my expectations are going to be a basic beige buffet, a chilly hall, and bored children running around. So don’t worry OP - anyone with common sense will arrive with very low expectations

Are you kidding? One of the best parties I’ve been to was one my gran organised for her 80th birthday-these olds knew how to party!!!

Arayes · 31/10/2022 10:41

Snoken · 31/10/2022 08:51

They can still throw a lovely party, 70 isn't exactly 90 or 100. My mum is 77 and she would definitely be able to put a nice party together. She has thrown more parties than I have and they have all been fun parties enjoyed by all regardless of age, but of course the exectation has always been that it would be a party someone her age would enjoy. They need to organise the type of party they want for their birthdays. You have offered to help, they have declined so just trust that they are capable human beings.

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Did you even read her post? She's not saying the can't host merely because of age, but for a whole host of reasons. What has your mum being 77 got to do with anything?

Pinkcadillac · 31/10/2022 10:43

One of the best parties I’ve been to was one my gran organised for her 80th birthday-these olds knew how to party!

if the OP’s mum was like this the OP wouldn’t be worried!

Original poster
Mummyongin · 31/10/2022 10:56

Pinkcadillac · 31/10/2022 10:43

One of the best parties I’ve been to was one my gran organised for her 80th birthday-these olds knew how to party!

if the OP’s mum was like this the OP wouldn’t be worried!

😂yes exactly. My mum does not know how to party but good on all the 70+ year olds who do I say! I hope I am partying more in my 70s than my 30s!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 31/10/2022 11:00

Ponoka7 · 31/10/2022 09:41

Then those who are booking travel and accommodation need to be told that. Because most people would cater a 70th birthday were people are coming from outside the area. It isn't a late evening do, it falls over tea time. It isn't low key, they've hired a hall. I doubt people would be happy to travel and pay for a hotel, just after Christmas to just sit in a big room.

Show quote history

Of course they would if they wanted to go to a family get together. Its probably in a hall because they dont have the space or facilities to host.
I think its very possible to overthink these things. They are two 70 year sisters. They dont need a magician or caterers. Surely a buffet and people can bring some dishes. January is so quiet usually that if they decide to have some live music then shouldnt be hard to find someone closer to the time.

Original poster
Mummyongin · 31/10/2022 11:03

My thoughts thus far helped by all your input

  • delicately check food ideas are happening
  • bring stuff to do for my kids - but just more - so can make a kids table with stuff to do if it’s needed
  • Make a photo book of old photos for the quiet room - could then also be a gift
  • have a word with aunt’s wife (can def plan a party) as she may be on it with other plans - or she might want a hand with bits
  • maybe plan a low-key pub quiz for fun - would be reasonable for this to be a surprise so birthday girls can participate
  • prob will avoid anything that needs ordering/booking as this would be too interfering
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyongin · 31/10/2022 11:06

Unfortunately bring a dish or sandwiches are likely to be out due to complex dietary needs of both birthday ladies, plus everyone coming is probably 100 miles+ away

OP posts:
Branleuse · 31/10/2022 11:18

I can sense your anxiety, but it really isnt your responsibility and you run the risk of making this stressful.
There must be a reason why neither of them want you to make this into a big event.

Teeheehee1579 · 31/10/2022 11:53

erinaceus · 31/10/2022 08:19

Depending on how involved you feel like getting, can you at least subtly let other family members know that catering may not be up to scratch to allow them to plan around this?

This would be such a rude thing to do. Please don’t do this.

Razzle5 · 31/10/2022 11:54

Teeheehee1579 · 31/10/2022 11:53

This would be such a rude thing to do. Please don’t do this.

Show quote history

Added to which, is food so important that you have to “prepare” people that might be a bit beige? For one day. For meal in fact

Razzle5 · 31/10/2022 11:55

What are your expected ions re food anyway for a large events in a hall? Mine is pretty bloody basic

EstellaRijnveld · 31/10/2022 12:01

Afternoon tea goes well with all generations. Get quotes and send to your mum to decide what she likes best.

It might be better to get a function room at a local hotel & ask them to cater on a package for x number of guests.

Have less alcohol on offer to prevent rowdy behaviour which will help the neurodiverse guests feel safe and calm.

Magician, craft table for kids and singer/guitar as suggested by pp.

Teeheehee1579 · 31/10/2022 12:03

Perhaps your mum and aunt would be happy with an unplanned quiz mid way through their own party but I’d be bloomin annoyed. Same with the kids craft table you might just set up. Surely your kids can amuse themselves with the other kids who will be there for a few hours. People will
literally want to chat and no one cares if it’s sausage rolls or fancy catering. Music is completely unnecessary but can be set up on Spotify there and then if needed. Butt out. Seriously.

Branleuse · 31/10/2022 12:15

Kids should be able to cope with a family party without magicians and craft tables. Its not a wedding where they need to be quiet. I might make sure I had a bluetooth speaker in my car boot though in case

LimeCheesecake · 31/10/2022 12:26

I would offer to do the invites - you’ll Rosicrucian some nice looking ones and mail them to everyone, do they have a list and confirmed timings? This gives you the opportunity to say “oh well if you have the hall from 2, then I’m assuming you want to invite guests from 4 so you’ve got time to set up? And is it an 8pm end time so we’ve got time to clean up before the 10pm finish?” Then say that shall you ask people to RSVP with dietary issues. That can start the catering conversation about perhaps doing an M&S / sainsburys/Waitrose party food order. A magestic run for booze and lots of paper cups / plates.

are there lots of small children? I wouldn’t expect a childrens entertainer for an adult 70th party, just get some activity books and pens suitable for their age and set up a corner, kids usually sort their own games at these events.

music - doesn’t need massively organising in advance assume you only want some mood music, not dancing. Someone can sort a play list on phone and blue tooth speaker.

catering is your biggest issue - if she wants proper caterers rather than a buffet that needs booking.

PinkyFlamingo · 31/10/2022 12:27

Why do you feel its your responsibility for the guests?

Original poster
Mummyongin · 31/10/2022 12:32

Obviously all kids are different, but if I didn’t plan how to keep mine busy I would spend the whole party supervising them and no time being able to actually talk to another adult! Just me?!!! (Possibly just me - I’m aware my kids have additional needs - just thought typical kids would need this too)

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2022 12:45

OP, I understand why you are worried and also why you are in your third round of therapy. An autistic person organising a big party - or parenting a child - will meet challenges that others don't. I think you sound great and I hope you are able to look after yourself through all this, even if it all goes tits up as you fear.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2022 12:46

PinkyFlamingo · 31/10/2022 12:27

Why do you feel its your responsibility for the guests?

Probably because she has been caring for her parent, one way or another, since she was a child. She has had to suppress her own needs - for her own safety, ironically.

ohforthelife · 31/10/2022 12:50

Why are they having such a lengthy party? I'd have thought a 4 hour afternoon tea with maybe an acoustic singer/magician or similar for the kids might have been adequate, if they don't want anything too rowdy?

Razzle5 · 31/10/2022 13:01

2-10pm
in a hall. In Jan.
with loads of children from 0 upwards

this sounds like possibly an invite I might well politely decline!

idonotmind · 31/10/2022 13:07

I'd dedicate the side room to the kids and just close the door and let them go wild

Kidding ( kind of)

Maybe you can have an adult rota to watch the kids? One hour each? Plus they will be exhausted after 3 hours and need to go home. Is the venue near a park? If it's nice weather I'd maybe take all the kids to a park for an hour or two and then along to the venue for party rings and triangle sandwiches

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