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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want sex more than 4 times in 6 months?

53 replies

Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:32

Have been with OH for 5 years now and have lived together for 3.5 years. I have two children from a previous relationship who live with us but spend a lot of time with their Dad. Sex has always been pretty vanilla and OH a little prudish but I have adapted to suit his tastes. It was always regular (often several times a week but sometimes once a week if we were tired!)) and he was always thoughtful and put in the effort to pleasure me. Two years ago I came off the contraceptive pill for medical reasons and we used condoms and female condoms for around 3 months - it TOTALLY killed our sex life… 😞 after switching to a different form of contraception, the sex has never picked up. This year we have had sex about half a dozen times and just 4 times in the last 6 months!!!! I’m not allowed to instigate sex, never have been, as OH find it off putting. I have to simply wait for him to put my hand on his penis when we are in bed (that’s the signal to show he wants sex!!! 😱) before anything starts. He doesn’t like discussing sex either and if I bring it up or say I want more sex he just says, ‘thanks for telling me. I’m sure we will have sex soon.’

OP posts:
tunthebloodyalarmoff · 30/10/2022 15:37

Why are you with him ? Fgs

Original poster
Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:45

Wow. You think his behaviour is that bad? 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:45

Wow. You think his behaviour is that bad? 🤔

OP posts:
IntrovertedPenguin · 30/10/2022 15:46

Girl - just leave!

WomensLandArmy · 30/10/2022 15:47

It's awful
Life is too short for shit sex.

misskatamari · 30/10/2022 15:48

This is really odd behaviour and i couldn’t be with someone like this. The lack of sex is one thing but the not communicating and you “not being allowed” to instigate..? What…? Massive red flags.

CoveredInCobwebs · 30/10/2022 15:48

Well no of course YANBU. I think the big problem here is that you can't discuss it. DH and I have quite mismatched sex drives but we have an open conversation about it so that, ideally, it doesn't turn into a massive stressful thing and nobody feels either unwanted or pressured. You not being 'allowed' to instigate sex is extremely strange. But I don't know what to suggest if he won't talk about it...

Original poster
Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:48

I love him and he loves me and I’m mostly happy with things in the relationship. Obviously there are children involved too so not that simple. I’m genuinely shocked but also really interested in the reactions so far… I find relationships difficult and never know what is acceptable or not… why do you think I should leave? Why not try to work things out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:51

Thank you @CoveredInCobwebs That does make me feel more confident about pushing the discussion. I sometimes think a lot of his behavior is strange but when push comes to shove I think ‘it must be me.’

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 30/10/2022 15:51

Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:48

I love him and he loves me and I’m mostly happy with things in the relationship. Obviously there are children involved too so not that simple. I’m genuinely shocked but also really interested in the reactions so far… I find relationships difficult and never know what is acceptable or not… why do you think I should leave? Why not try to work things out?

As most Mumsnetters will tell you, no-one is entitled to have sex.

But if the lack of sex bothers you this much and if he refuses to talk about it, how can you possibly work things out?

Original poster
Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:53

@misskatamari does strange mean bad though? Everyone is different, right? He does have some odd ways and he can be quite controlling I definitely think he has OCD or something similar, everything he does is very methodical and controlled and repetitive.

OP posts:
Yabado · 30/10/2022 15:57

That’s shit sex and it won’t get any better only worse
putting your hand on his dick when he wants sex I would be tempted to squeeze it bloody hard if my DH did that to me

All about what he wants isn’t it, nothing about what you might want

I probably wouldn’t leave but I would be looking for sex with someone else - so shoot me 😂

The thing is he is happy with the way it is
you aren’t happy with the way it is

its very unlikely to change especially id he is like you say prudish - that will only get worse

HellonHeels · 30/10/2022 15:59

He initiates sex the same way every time: by grabbing your hand and putting it on his cock?

That's a no thank you from me. What on earth do you see in him? Controlling and crap in bed. Bin.

ParentallyUnprepared · 30/10/2022 16:00

You're happy with having your hand shoved on a penis as a signal it's time to perform? You don't think you deserve any more effort than that?

girlmom21 · 30/10/2022 16:00

You're not allowed to instigate sex and have to have it when he puts your hand on his cock?

That's grim, selfish and utterly disrespectful.

BiscuitLover3678 · 30/10/2022 16:00

It’s quite odd that you’re not allowed to instigate and can only do it when he puts your hand there. He needs to seriously talk about it wirh you.

OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 16:00

Bad send won’t get better even if it seems to for s month or so after a chat. It will only really get worse and worse.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 30/10/2022 16:02

It's really odd that you're not allowed to instigate sex. I find that more worrying than the actual frequency.

dottiedodah · 30/10/2022 16:10

He is controlling all aspects of your sexual RL FFS! Its all about him ,and his needs isnt it? What happens if he puts your hand on him and you dont want it! I would not be happy at all

Antaboo · 30/10/2022 16:12

YABU if the year is 1950 perhaps, or living in a Month Python sketch.

IhateHermioneGranger · 30/10/2022 16:13

He sounds like something from a Victorian novel.

Original poster
Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 16:14

@dottiedodah im confident that he would be fine if I didn’t want to and said no but the problem is I never say no as I’m always so desperate for it!!! He doesn’t know what it feels like to be rejected or to not have a sexual urge reciprocated

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 30/10/2022 16:15

Sounds ideal 😂

But seriously if it's a deal breaker....time to move on.

SavingsThreads · 30/10/2022 16:16

Kerri1987 · 30/10/2022 15:45

Wow. You think his behaviour is that bad? 🤔

I’m not allowed to instigate sex, never have been, as OH find it off putting. I have to simply wait for him to put my hand on his penis when we are in bed (that’s the signal to show he wants sex!!! 😱) before anything starts.

Do you think this is normal?!?

TirisfalPumpkin · 30/10/2022 16:16

I’m intrigued by the hand on knob ritual. Where did he learn that?

I mean probably it can be worked upon given that it is an established relationship with children involved, but… that’s so weird.

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