To want sex more than 4 times in 6 months?

[Kerri1987]

Have been with OH for 5 years now and have lived together for 3.5 years. I have two children from a previous relationship who live with us but spend a lot of time with their Dad. Sex has always been pretty vanilla and OH a little prudish but I have adapted to suit his tastes. It was always regular (often several times a week but sometimes once a week if we were tired!)) and he was always thoughtful and put in the effort to pleasure me. Two years ago I came off the contraceptive pill for medical reasons and we used condoms and female condoms for around 3 months - it TOTALLY killed our sex life… 😞 after switching to a different form of contraception, the sex has never picked up. This year we have had sex about half a dozen times and just 4 times in the last 6 months!!!! I’m not allowed to instigate sex, never have been, as OH find it off putting. I have to simply wait for him to put my hand on his penis when we are in bed (that’s the signal to show he wants sex!!! 😱) before anything starts. He doesn’t like discussing sex either and if I bring it up or say I want more sex he just says, ‘thanks for telling me. I’m sure we will have sex soon.’

I’m sure we will have sex soon

Hot (not)!

@TirisfalPumpkin i honestly don’t know where it came from cos it was not like this at the beginning… it was ‘normal’ with like kissing and stroking and just naturally going on from there. I’m so glad I posted on here. I really have been thinking it’s me. Me being too demanding or looking into it too much and genuinely shocked how many people think it’s odd how he instigates things 😳

I wouldn't be happy with not being allowed to initiate sex. That is strange and controlling. The amount is tricky you need to have an honest discussion about what ur sex life looks like. And how to work on it, so more dates. More affection etc. ways to build the attraction back up.

It’s not just crap infrequent sex, which is plenty of cause for concern, it’s the lack of open communication and him denying you the chance to express your wishes/needs. The whole thing is dysfunctional and lacking respect for you as a whole person.

You’ve had at least one past relationship, you know it’s not normal?

I have been in a relationship with mismatched sex drives and it was torture. I felt like a predator and rarely wanted to initiate things. In my next relationship I de died to be up front and open. We talked about sex had a wonderful time and respected each other. U do not have to put up with lack of communication. I can't believe that yiu are not ALLOWED to initiate sex.

Decided not died.typo

It's not the shit sex that's the red flag here so much as his refusal to talk about it. That's the real issue, because how can you work on an issue if one person just stonewalls the other.

Eww! Hand on cock is gross. What does he do for foreplay, grab you by the bloomers and grunt 'brace yourself'?

You are allowing this man to control you.
You can't talk about sex or initiate sex and can only be turned on if his hand touches his penis in bed.
You need the pick your self respect up off the floor and leave

The fact he won't talk about sex makes me think he's very prudish. Did he grow up in some kind of strict or religious home? I couldn't be with a man who wasn't open and fun about sex.

''I’m not allowed to instigate sex, never have been, as OH find it off putting. I have to simply wait for him to put my hand on his penis when we are in bed (that’s the signal to show he wants sex!!! 😱) before anything starts. He doesn’t like discussing sex either and if I bring it up or say I want more sex he just says, ‘thanks for telling me. I’m sure we will have sex soon.’''

He sounds awful. I don't know how you would want to have sex and be with a man like that in the first place. Complete turn off.

It would be a deal breaker for me, you have to decide if its a deal breaker for you.

I wouldn’t want sex at all with this loser, but seriously yes it really is that bad. I wouldn’t put up with that!

He's very very odd and not in a good way. Yuk. YUK

does strange mean bad though? Everyone is different, right? He does have some odd ways and he can be quite controlling I definitely think he has OCD or something similar, everything he does is very methodical and controlled and repetitive.

Not necessarily, can you elaborate on this?
If there's indicators he's controlling aspects outside the bedroom such as finances/friendships/family relationships/relationships with your kids- there may be red flags to be seen. Have you tactfully discussed the changes in contraception with him outside of 'the moment' so to speak?... I'm wondering, is he possibly scared your children may catch you DTD with him? 3.5yrs is a long time to stick around with kids in the mix...

What happens if he does the hand thing and you aren't in the mood? That method would totally put me out of the mood.

It’s not the lack of sex it’s the lack of being able to communicate with him and only having sex on his terms in a very set way.
I’d be saying yo him this isn’t working for you. You need to talk about it perhaps with a counsellor. If he just shuts it down as fine then you either accept it or move on.

Why did contraception kill sex drive? Is he worried re his performance with a condom on or pregnancy. If he was better before can you unpick and get to bottom of what changed.

If it were genders reversed, I would say try to be more physically affectionate without actually expecting the end result to be sex. So cuddle in bed more, kiss more, stroke back when you walk past, hug for no reason. For me, that would make me more receptive to sex sometimes naturally happening.

Well maybe you need to start saying no. Why is it all on his terms that is not ok. Let him know how it feels. As for putting your hand on his dick well that's just disgusting why are you going along with his shit.

It’s never ever going to be better than this because he’s not willing to do anything about it. You can guarantee it will get worse and eventually tail off altogether and you’ll be left rejected and frustrated forever. If sex is even a little bit important to you then end it with him - being alone would be better than constantly wondering if this time he will want to have sex with you and feeling crap if the sex is rubbish but also feeling crap because you’re so desperate you’ll take whatever crumbs he chucks you

He finds it off putting if you initiate sex?

Most men would be delighted.

The hand on penis thing is actually gross.

You're too young for this.

I’m not allowed to instigate sex, never have been, as OH find it off putting. I have to simply wait for him to put my hand on his penis when we are in bed (that’s the signal to show he wants sex!!! 😱) before anything starts.

This made me feel a bit sick.