If you went NC with a sibling did you ever tell them why?

[BlackSheepNotGoldenChild]

Afternoon. I hate the phrase triggered but have been reading the thread where the OP is NC from their sibling and struggling with news of her pregnancy/having family stuck in the middle etc and I am feeling it.
The vast majority of the thread is telling her she should respect boundaries and has no right to know anything from anyone.
My sister went NC with me. She always thought our father favoured me but in actual fact, this is far from the case - I struggle with him as much as she ever did. I never thought we would end up estranged, probably because of trauma bonding more than anything else (we shared a childhood that was difficult in places) but I genuinely did/still do love her and miss her.
Because I know enough about narcissistic behaviour and flying monkeys etc I have not pushed or asked others to mediate and I have tried not to ask about her (occasional fail when talking to our mum). I have respected her wishes since it became clear she was done. Before then, I had sent a few whatsapp messages at Xmas and birthday and asked her if she wanted to meet up one time, but radio silence told me everything I needed to know (no reply is a reply).

My hurt is that she never told me why. I have been left guessing. I could name all the reasons why I am a failed human being (you evaluate everything you are and aren't) - nonetheless, the lack of reason still hurts. You learn to accept it but there is no closure, and I cannot afford therapy.

So, if you went NC with a family member, did you ever tell them why? Did you ever want them to ask you why?

No because rule number one of dealing with narcissistic abusers who have ruined your life and left you with C-PTSD is to not try and explain yourself because they will always want the last word and they won't ever understand your point of view or accept that they were wrong or that they harmed you or even that you have feelings they didn't sign off on (as evidenced in the other thread).

I did stop talking to my brother for a while though it was more mutual thing then me just not talking to him and yes we both understood why

I would have liked to stay in touch with my sibling but ultimately they were a flying monkey for DM and so the trust was gone and we couldn't talk about anything ever because a) she fed back to DM and b) she refused to see any other point of view than DM's. And she's one of the most argumentative people on the planet and quite controlling so I had to just let it all go as much as it makes me sad and I miss who I wish my sibling was.

I personally think it’s best to be honest about why you don’t want contact as otherwise can lead to gossip within the family

@Awayfortheweekend78 oh everyone knew why I didn't want contact with DM (although I'm sure DM would say otherwise), she literally tried to kill me. However, I never wrote her a formal letter or had a chat/phone call. I just walked away. The rest of the wider family knew what happened and supported me and were all already NC with her as well years before I was so in our case there was no gossip among anyone I cared about.

Having said that, MIL would walk over broken glass to know why I went NC with DM and I won't tell her because she'd gossip it up and down everyone she ever met so I don't think explaining it to everyone will avoid gossip, it depends on the situation.

I went nc with my mum for a while. I didn't tell her why because I felt like she would have disagreed with my reasons and then acted the victim and used my reasons against me to try to make herself look better and me out to be the villain. Overall i felt that trying to address it with her would be more harmful to me in the long run and i didn't feel emotionally strong enough at that time to have that chat. Plus i felt like she should know the reason why given the past but she likes to deny the past ever happened. We have contact now and I used free counselling to get some advice on how to process the past and our very different perspectives on it. My sister asked me why I'd gone nc and I told her but asked her to stay out of it because there was no point in involving someone else. What I would say is that our upbringing was quite traumatic for me at times and its taken me a while to understand and accept that each family member has a completely different experience and perspective of what happened. My sister was much younger so shielded carefully from it all, I was eldest and got the brunt of it and my dad managed best he could in the circumstances while working away a lot. My mum has created her own version of events as she seems to be able to cope with that version better. I needed to be nc for a while until I worked out how much contact I could tolerate and get strong enough in myself to hold my boundaries. So while you may think you understand your sisters experience given that you grew up together, there might be more that you aren't aware of, she might have experienced it very differently to you through no fault of either or yours and maybe its just too hard for her to have a conversation with you about it. I didn't want my mum to ask me why I would have wanted her to acknowledge her own part in it and own that even if she didn't apologise for it. What I would say is that time and experience are great healers and I have a good relationship with my mum now. I'm very firm in my boundaries and she has learnt the hard way how far to push it and I know when and how to shut her down before it gets to a point where I'm upset or annoyed so we've been able to reconnect.

Yes I did but it went in one ear and out the other and resulted in a massive argument where she went on the defense and refused to listen to my point of view. It was at that point I knew I was making the right decision.
She didn't ask me, she asked every other family member instead, then had too much to drink at a gathering and asked to speak to me.

I’ve been no contact with my dad for about 6 months and he hadn’t even bothered to ask why.

I'm LC with sibling. I write and send birthday/Christmas cards. For some reason sibling has got their enabling spouse to write the return birthday/Christmas etc cards. Even got their spouse to write a sympathy card when my spouse had a parental bereavement. Thanks for caring. I thanked said spouse for the card, not sibling.

The 'joke' being that sibling buys the relevant card/s, shows enabling spouse the correct address, puts the stamp on and posts the relevant card. Okey dokey.

My attitude is, 'still doing that are we ?' Well, if it makes you happy. If it's some sort of strategic tit for tat. If I asked my spouse to write the birthday/Christmas cards my sibling & spouse & their children, I know what the answer would be ! But, as my spouse has pointed out, sibling's spouse has been enabling them for years.

(Even went to the bother of buying a correct milestone birthday card one time. Is that the hoovering starting ?)

Like any relationship that's finished, we've got nothing to say to each other.

I unfriended sibling on social media. They replied by doing likewise to me.

I can just do without their drama. Their mawkish nonsense etc etc etc.

I catch myself wondering how they are, but I know their life is rinse and repeat like everyone else. I don't look at their social media on the sly, I can do without the bad karma.

We scattered deceased parents' ashes recently. Sibling remarked we could have split the ashes between us (under the guise of an anecdote from a colleague.)

What was that ? Too bad we couldn't split the ashes between us then we wouldn't have had to see each other again ?

I've not seen or spoken to a sister in 30 plus years. She hated me from the day I was born. I moved away and never contacted her again. She did turn up on my doorstep after about ten years, I didn't recognise her tbh, I think it was her version of an olive branch, I declined. There was never a conversation about why more a relief that I didn't have to put up with her anymore tbh.

My sister should know well enough why I’m no contact with her following her actions shortly before and after our mums death.

you have feelings they didn't sign off on

This^

Do narcs have a smooth story tellers voice when they are bullshitting ? Like they are drawing you into their confidence ? Or telling you something for your own good ?

Ever looked back on a story that a narc has told you and it's dawned on you that you were listening in rapt attention ? No input from you at all, not least because it was interesting, and the telling was as smooth as silk ?

One of my DC has gone no contact, went to live with their dad after years of being vile to me (emulating their dad's behaviour). Accused me of all sorts of things that just sound like they're repeating what they hear from XH.

I contacted social services to talk through the accusations/their behaviour to put it on record due to my work. My ex ground me down so much that I've just decided to leave them to it for my own sanity.

Really hurtful and I'm not sure that them stating their reasons for it would make it any better for me or my family.

Sibling tried to steer a family inheritance their way so they would get more than me. (This meddling in financial family legacies is part of narc power and control, I learned during my bit of background research into what narcs are like.)

I called their bluff. My threat of legal action seemed to motivate them into cooperating regarding the necessary paperwork, prior to the death of surviving parent. Oh, and the small matter of names on property deeds. So....in the event of surviving parent's death it automatically becomes the property my sibling and spouse. I found that out by chance too. Sibling had no idea how that happened. Oh really ? Said property was sold in surviving parent's lifetime but the cat-and-mouse game was never ending.

I should not have had to fight (and fight and fight) for what was rightfully mine. Always one step behind. Always having to catch up. Never knowing what the next move was.

Long after the fact, sibling asking me, 'or do you still think I was trying to cheat you ?'

I didn't / couldn't answer because I was pretty much speechless.

We are NC with my BIL. He lied to us and stole from us. He also stole from my PILs.

We don't need the kind of closure of telling him why, he is just completely dead to us. Mind you, we will not gossip about him to other family members some of whom ask why we are not in contact. We just say that we don't get along and that's it.

I see my sister probably once a year at family events where she pretends everything is normal. She went NC with me around 8 years ago, we used to be very close, talk several times a week, and go out every couple of weeks, but she simply stopped calling after a difference of opinion. I called and tried to make plans to meet up she was eternally busy, I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing she was just busy, eventually after several months, I told her as gently as possible I couldn't deal with calling her and her saying nothing was wrong when there obviously was something any more and to contact me when she was free, or wanted to talk and she never did.

My parents eventually noticed (I never said anything), when she would change her plans to pop over to theirs if I was there or left shortly after we arrived, and asked both of us and she said the same thing, nothing was wrong she was just too busy. Other family members ask why we no longer see each other, as we used to be very close, and I tell them to ask her as I don't have a clue, but it appears she has rewritten history as me not contacting her.

I have a niggle that I have never said to anyone, even dh, it might be because she had fertility issues and couldn't cope with me having a family while going through that (she dumped ds at the same time she dumped me). I heard from a SIL a few years later she had several miscarriages, but told everyone not to tell me which makes me very sad if that is the reason.

Or it might just be I am a bit of a bitch. Who knows 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for your replies so far.
I have had a letter sitting on my computer for a long time now. Why have I not sent it or emailed it? Because I do not want to be seen as trying to have the last word or manipulating her. I would still be left in limbo as I would never know if she had even read it. It isn't because I am not bothered or don't care but as more time goes by, it seems that any reconnection or reconciliation is further away.
I asked for help at a time when my life went pear-shaped. She offered to help then retracted. I was hurt but said it was okay. I never understood the retraction, but it wasn't a deal-breaker. It was just a weird U-turn. She has not replied to any communication since, except a call when a parent was hospitalised. That's it. I think her attitude now is that too much time has passed but equally she probably just thinks I'm a twat.

Her husband always thought I should have intervened between her and our dad (they argued a lot), something he himself chose not to do. I did not want to be a flying monkey. Is not taking a side taking sides? I did not enable our father for the record - was always clear on where I stood, but nor did I stop speaking with him. I am LC with both parents but not NC as I know it would hurt me too much.
Would you want to receive the letter, or would you just want me to accept we have no relationship? and I am a twat

I would still be left in limbo as I would never know if she had even read it.

Or, no real response just a high handed put down. When I had to fight and fight to make sure I was not cheated out of my fair and rightful share of a family legacy I wrote a letter to sibling stating the facts and making the salient points.

Their written response and attitude to that was pretty much just two words: still angry ?

Albeit actions speak louder than words and things got sorted. Because I made sure they got sorted.

I called sibling's bluff as I've already stated. That's why they are pretty much NC with me.

I send birthday/Christmas cards because that's all we've got. It's the last little bit of the, 'let's pretend we have a relationship with each other.'

I don't send cards nor do they. I am so sorry that happened to you.

I’ve not spoken to my sister about why I’m NC but honestly she is equally NC with me anyway. Our parents are very narcissistic, as are our brothers. It is a PITA to deal with and I had enough eventually. She is knee deep in it even though the are absolutely ghastly to her. I feel nothing but sympathy for her but she has no intention of confronting their BS. She was seriously sexually abused by one of our brothers, for decades, if that hasn’t convinced her that their are serious problems in our family no words of mine will. It is sad tho.

if it makes you feel better then send it. Only for your benefit though as there comes a time when you have to look after yourself. You are adults and sadly we can’t all get on.
personally I wouldn’t send it. I am NC with a very close family member and I do struggle with it. Not because I miss them but I miss the thought of having a close ,, after years years and years or turning a blind eye to controlling bully behaviour and finally making the move away from that behaviour I can never go back. Door is now shut and if I am honest my life is better for it. Yes it is hard as I do miss the person that could be, but I know deep down that that person was never that person anyway. They never loved me at all and I am at peace with that now. You can’t make someone care.
best wishes

My sister knows why we had a massive fall out but she still won’t respect it, no offence to you but she probably tells people she has no idea why I don’t speak to her

I told my sister about 1% of why I was going NC. Just what I could be arsed saying in a short text message. Hilariously, she was shocked & showed other family members. Other family members were not shocked. I wish I'd stood up to her 20 years earlier but, hey, better late than never. So much happier now I "officially" don't have to give a tiny rat's ass about her.

So maybe send the letter if it will help draw a formal sort of line in the sand. I told my person (I just never think of her as a sister) that I wouldn't read anything she sent in return & wouldn't be speaking to her about any of it and I kept to that. She sent a document by email & I just said "haven't opened it, not interested, don't contact me again".

From my experience going NC with family is usually a result of a life time of hurts and family dysfunction. Communication is usually poor, wrongs are ignored, abuses are brushed under the carpet and the culprits rarely have self awareness or apologies for their victims. Not saying that's the case with your relationship but that's how it was with my family.

My brother was my mother's golden child, he was her sidekick in scapegoating me, never disciplined and grew up thinking it was okay to be rude, dismissive and at times downright callous towards me. Like a lot of scapegoats I turned myself inside out to please him, to try to get his attention and validation. It didn't work.

Crunch time came when I decided to get away from our toxic mother and out of my toxic marriage. It then became crystal clear where I stood with my brother. He threw me under the bus with the rest of the family and sided with my exH. I did try to talk to him about it but he turned it back on me, the usual scapegoating crap that I was the crazy one.

Roll on around twelve years in which I was completely ignored, his wife also cut me off on behalf of my mother, he turned up on the doorstep wanting to be friends. He has now seen the light and gone NC with our mother. Too late. Again no self awareness or remorse for the hurt and damage he caused me. Brushed over. The impression I got was that HE was seeking my support at being isolated from 'the family '.

To answer your question, if he had shown any insight in his behaviour towards me, any reflection on his abuse of me in childhood and previously, any remorse , we could work through this. I don't trust him and will never let him back in. I'm not saying I'm all innocent in this. Dysfunctional familys suck but it is possible to heal with good communication.

If I can give you some advice, I would get some therapy for yourself, look at anything you may have done, unconsciously, to cause hurt to your sister. This could be your sister's hang up, it may not, but she's hurting about something. Write her a truly heartfelt apologetic letter and ask for forgiveness. That would have worked with my brother. It's the stunning lack of self awareness that stings with me. 💐