If you went NC with a sibling did you ever tell them why?

[BlackSheepNotGoldenChild]

Afternoon. I hate the phrase triggered but have been reading the thread where the OP is NC from their sibling and struggling with news of her pregnancy/having family stuck in the middle etc and I am feeling it.
The vast majority of the thread is telling her she should respect boundaries and has no right to know anything from anyone.
My sister went NC with me. She always thought our father favoured me but in actual fact, this is far from the case - I struggle with him as much as she ever did. I never thought we would end up estranged, probably because of trauma bonding more than anything else (we shared a childhood that was difficult in places) but I genuinely did/still do love her and miss her.
Because I know enough about narcissistic behaviour and flying monkeys etc I have not pushed or asked others to mediate and I have tried not to ask about her (occasional fail when talking to our mum). I have respected her wishes since it became clear she was done. Before then, I had sent a few whatsapp messages at Xmas and birthday and asked her if she wanted to meet up one time, but radio silence told me everything I needed to know (no reply is a reply).

My hurt is that she never told me why. I have been left guessing. I could name all the reasons why I am a failed human being (you evaluate everything you are and aren't) - nonetheless, the lack of reason still hurts. You learn to accept it but there is no closure, and I cannot afford therapy.

So, if you went NC with a family member, did you ever tell them why? Did you ever want them to ask you why?

Yes, I've rarely contacted my sister in ten years. I realised how alike she and my mother are - my mother is emotionally immature and dealing with her is like dealing with a young teenager. I can just about deal with mum if I don't have to deal with my sister. I figured I 'owed' my mum so that's the choice I made. I never explained this to my sister but it was a decision to put my own sanity first.

To be honest I'd not send the letter. Mine sends me cards and I find it infuriating, because it's always on her terms. Just accept it for what it is and find a friend to talk to. She doesn't owe you a relationship, even if you'd like one.

Do narcissists even know and accept that they are narcissists?
If you are a narcissist, but you dont know you're a narcissist, how would you know what made someone you once shared a close relationship with go NC?

When a defendant is sentenced, the judge tells them the crime they are being convicted of and the length of their sentence.
Quite often, people do not tell other people either the crime or how long they will be cut off for, but assume they just know?
We hear of people being 'ghosted' while having no clue why the other party has done this.
Ghosting is seen to be unacceptable, but if you are going NC with someone and not telling them why, (and it isnt up to the other person to accept it) then what's the difference between NC and ghosting?
Except one is frowned upon and one is quite often encouraged, especially on MN?

my brother was very clear (in writing) to our mum about why both he and I were going NC with her.

I don’t think she every believed him about the reasons. I certainly know she told people a completely different reason (that we were both selfish and couldn’t be bothered with her).

I also think she may have to,d this story so many times that she started to believe it herself. She certainly sent me a letter after her death via her solicitor telling me how much she hated me and how cruel I was for going NC just because I couldn’t be bothered with an old lady anymore. I do wonder if she actually believed this herself because otherwise there was no benefit in saying it…..other than to try and upset me I suppose.

Yep @QuebecBagnet you can tell and retell narcissists but they simply cannot hear.

@QuebecBagnet , that's been my experience too. You tell them why you have issues with them, they deny, minimise and twist it to their own ends. It's a complete waste of time tbh. If they had empathy, they wouldn't behave that way in the first place or would try to make amends if someone points it out. It's easier to walk away and heal.

I've had no contact with either of my brothers since 2019; they do live overseas and we weren't especially close before the pandemic. They've never got along with each other but have always been on civil terms with me. I fully expect when our Mum passes away we will all be NC by default.

I'm guessing your situation is a little different OP, in that you've had some sort of closeish relationship in the past? If so, that certainly muddies the waters. For now I'd get your thoughts out on a letter, print it and burn it, whilst still keeping the hard copy on your PC.

Her husband always thought I should have intervened between her and our dad (they argued a lot), something he himself chose not to do. I did not want to be a flying monkey. Is not taking a side taking sides?

It's absolutely sensible to remain neutral in this situation. Sister's husband is in no position to judge, especially since he didn't intervene himself!

Yes, when I sent that final text. I explained and told her I would not respond further. It's my mother.

However, like others have said, she's a narcissist so she only the sees the hurt she's feeling. There have been flying monkeys since, I have batted them back and fortunately have maintained a separate relationship with them.

One of the things about her was her inability to respect my boundaries. She has sent pleas via email and text over the years (from numbers/addresses I hadn't yet blocked) saying she's changed. But the very existence of those messages, teamed with the birthday/Christmas cards that turn up for the DC and I each year tell me otherwise. Though interestingly, never a card for DH, who went NC with her 2 years before I did. He deals with the cards when they arrive now.

How I feel doesn't matter to her. It's all about how she feels and that's frustration at not getting her own way. I could tell her a thousand times over, but she wouldn't listen. Now I prefer to keep a dignified silence.

I have been NC with my sister for most of the last 20 years. She knows exactly why because I told her. Being a spoilt manipulative cheapskate bitch who thinks the world revolves around her wants is the short version. But she's so self centred she probably thinks there's still something for her in the will. There is. Instructions that she is not welcome at my funeral and she isn't to set foot in my house or get anything from my assets or belongings.

Both of my brothers let me down over my wedding last year (turned up, ate and left. My mam did too but she's a whole other thread)

I've not seen either if them since, they both live less than 10 minutes from me - not come out and said "no contact"

I've just stopped contacting them. They've not bothered with me either so 🤷‍♀️ I'm devastated but to be fair they were shit well before the wedding stuff so...

Im NC with my brother - he has 2 children I’ve never met. We never had a massive argument or anything I just think he’s a shitty person. To be fair we hated each other even as children.

My mum and dad are still in contact and they tell me info in conversation eg that SIL was pregnant again. I just go “oh right” then move on. I don’t slag him off or anything. I feel nothing for him. It’s like she’s talking about a neighbour I’ve not met or something. Like I’ll be polite but I don’t actually care.

Realistically the next time we’ll speak will be when my parents pass away - which I hope will be a long time yet!

Ive never had the conversation with him about going NC I just let it drift. Which was easy as we weren’t close anyway.
My mum has mentioned once years ago that “he wondered why I hadn’t visited for a while”. I said “tell him he’s more than welcome to ring me and ask - as long as he’s prepared for the answer”. He’s never been in touch and he never will. Because he knows I’ll tell him straight and list 3162 reasons why he’s a dickhead.

My brother blew up at me at a family dinner (in a restaurant) 10 years ago, accusing me of all sorts of nonsensical things ('lies and tricks' was all he could say). He then didn't speak to me for 10 years until my dad was ill in hospital. No one knows why. I tried to contact him multiple times, but he either ignored me or told me to stay away. So I did. He even ignored me in the street!

At my dad's funeral he said to me: "We just have to work together like colleagues on a work project till mum is dead, then I never want to see or speak to you again." Nice! He's such an arsehole and I can't wait to never have any contact with him again.

@BlackSheepNotGoldenChild I think on MN the person who has gone NC is the same one, and the people/person they have gone NC with is the evil one.

There are always two sides to every story though. Further up the thread a poster says the person they have gone NC hasn't asked why...but if someone does ask then the advise on MN is to ignore and move on. Being ghosted is apparently a low thing to do..:until it's no-contact and then it's perfectly reasonable.

The only person I know who went no-contact with siblings gave no explanation. Siblings were very hurt and,I think to protect themselves, have decided to never have contact with that sibling again. So effectively they have counter no-contacted because they've found being ignored painful. Being ghosted by someone you've worshiped as your older sibling isn't easy. If the person who had gone NC initially had explained themselves I doubt there would have been an argument, but everybody would have the the other was in the wrong. I think the person who has gone NC has no idea how much just they have cussed -cue anyone who has gone NC claiming they are the one with the most pain. It's not always the person who goes NC first who is the one struggling the most.

TBC I’m NC with my brother but he’s a disgusting human being that only my mum now has contact with. He’s aware why he needs to stay away from me

First of all, all of my sympathies OP, it's so hard, estrangement in a family.

I guess I've gone nc with my mother as I wanted to have a conversation with her and she just would.not.have.it. That upset me so much. I'm not worthy of one ten minute conversation, she would rather just destroy the relationship and blame me for destroying the family. There is ONE perspective, hers, and she is outraged that I have another perspective. I tried to tell her what I wanted to talk about but she wouldn't hear it.

But.............. I'm the scapegoat. My brother is the golden child. I have got back in touch with him very recently and so long as we never mention our parents which is kind of odd, we can avoid triggering each other.

My sister hated me as a child. She was late and flounced out of my wedding.
she didn’t invite to hers
she was the GC and now like me has become a scapegoat and brother is now GC

not got a clue why she hates me so much but she does

No. I just cannot stand her and nobody in my family can.

She's no longer part of the family, and that includes uncles, aunties and cousins.

We all despise her.

I had a family member (I'll use unisex names - Charlie) go no contact with their sibling Morgan. Charlie just assumed it was obvious why they were no contact and assumed Morgan would know, Morgan was clueless and had no idea why. I knew both sides and could understand why Charlie went NC despite the fact that Morgan wasn't actually a person, just pretty selfish at times. The parent of the siblings didn't know the full story either but was angry and upset at the NC. The parent died recently and Charlie and Morgan have been talking since but it's very neutral. I don't think Morgan will ever get over their sibling going NC and they still don't know why, and Charlie keeps their distance still but doesn't completely ignore anymore / is civil.

@Lavender14 I wish I'd had your foresight. What you predicted would happen if you raised the issue that hurt you with your mother is exactly what happened when I told my mother she'd hurt me.

@SpookabooAtTheZoo your mother tried to kill you, omg. She has forfeited any right to have you in her life.

That should've said Morgan wasn't a bad person*

Wow, I feel so on edge reading this. My family all hate me and have scapegoated me and written me out. If I can't be the role they wrote for me, I don't exist and I'm abusive apparently. All I ever did was stand firm in my own interpretation of events but I still read your post and wonder if you're a cousin or an aunt

I am from a fucked up family - both parents abusive to me and my three siblings.

We limped along for many years but when I cut contact with my Mother, it caused an irreparable divide amongst my siblings.

One sibling left with me but the other two choose to stay in active service to our Mother.

It has proved impossible to stay united.

When there has been abuse, the repercussions are endless. I have also lost an auntie and uncle, cousins and second cousins.

It is worth it to escape my Mother's ongoing abuse, although I will never truly be free.

Don't send the letter.

Just focus on your own life and let the past go.

You said her dh thought you should have intervened when your sister and dad argued? Sounds like you have your answer, even if it feels unjust.

OP you are a grown adult now, you don't need to know what your sibling thinks about you. You may think you do, but it's a misplaced desire to resolve something that cannot be resolved. Your sibling doesn't want you in their life, so meh their loss.

Remember what it was like when you were a child, having to meet the expectations of parents, siblings, family members.

well you don't have to do that any more, ever again. Think if it as a way of protecting your mental health, because anything you disclose will place you in a vulnerable position, open to be minimised and for your feelings to be denied and trashed, thrown back in your face as invalidated. This is highly likely to happen to you if you try to reopen a dialogue with someone who doesn't care enough anymore.

it really really isn't worth it, and is totally unnecessary, because you are no longer that small child having to do as you're told. Be independent-minded, don't give a damn what others think of you, let them judge, you'll never know because you never have to engage with them. Don't inflict that on yourself it is honestly not worth the heartache.

That's how I feel about my sister

Once my dad is no longer with us, I'll never have to even think about her again