AIBU: Territorial Behaviour

HelenWick · 2022-10-30T14:09:15+00:00

We are a family of 4, DH, DD17, DS19 (away at Uni) and me. We have a busy home with a lot of commitments. DD17 has a BF of 3 years. He is lovely, they get on very well. He is helpful and cooks, cleans up and always offers to go to the shops etc (he drives). He is here a lot. BF's Dad does not like DD and BF staying as he "needs space to relax" and his wife is unkind to DD and picks at her constantly, BF's mum's husband has a health condition and can't abide any noise in the house. I am happy for them to be here any or all of the time. DH has started getting angry at BF being at our house. When I ask why he says he wants it to be "just us, the 3 of us". I disagree, it is her home and BF is no problem, I want to spend much time with DD as possible and accept that they come as a pair a lot of the time now. Today he had massive tantrum screaming that other men get their homes to themselves. I responded by pointing out the myriad of ways in which our families and homes were different. He has stormed off. DD does spend lots of time with us on her own and is far more than the average 17yo due to my work and disability. Who is BU?

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/10/2022 14:10

Men get funny about other men being in their "territory". It's very childish.

Weepingwillows12 · 30/10/2022 14:13

I think you need some kind of compromise. It's your DH's house too and it's not wrong to not always want visitors there, irrespective of how nice they are. Equally your dd should be allowed her boyfriend round sometimes. Cant your DH come to a compromise with dd?

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/10/2022 14:18

I see both sides. I have had teens and partners passing through over the years! Maybe agree set days he comes over. Not sure I would like my entire week end gatecrashed for example..

saynotoo · 30/10/2022 14:21

You need to compromise. I'm a woman and I wouldn't want my daughter's boyfriend in my house 24/7.

Y7drama · 30/10/2022 14:21

I can see his point too. Maybe you can compromise on BF being around a bit less. Equally I can understand why you want to spend as much time as possible with DD, and that means having BF around.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:23

Weepingwillows12 · 30/10/2022 14:13

I think you need some kind of compromise. It's your DH's house too and it's not wrong to not always want visitors there, irrespective of how nice they are. Equally your dd should be allowed her boyfriend round sometimes. Cant your DH come to a compromise with dd?

DH has extremely poor communication skills, unfortunately. Yes it is his house too and DH does the lions share of housework as I am the main earner. His parents didn't allow his to have anyone visit his entire childhood and before we had children we discussed this exact scenario and he was full of "a friend of my child's is a friend of mine". I am disappointed by his hypocrisy and inability to see that he is pushing DD away.

It isn'll all the time, it is usually Tuesday evenings and weekends when they do not go out so maybe Friday and Sunday. And they cook amazing meals for us - which they pay for - and are great company!

@AmandaHoldensLips yes, childish and boring! He reminds me of our old cockerel trying to run the new cockerels off the yard. It's so unattractive :(

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Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:25

I have implied he's living here, which is not the case.

Last week it was Tuesday evening, he slept over Friday after they went out and came for brunch today (they have gone out now).

Week before was Tuesday, Friday and Sunday evening

Week before Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday evenings

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picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2022 14:29

Ask him what he wants. Help him work out if it's the inconsistency that bothers him, or the frequency, or maybe the taking over his kitchen and doing the cooking without warning. Basically he has to behave as though there's a guest at times he doesn't want to.

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2022 14:29

Well they spend nearly all the time there because his family don't want them round theirs.

So I think you need to recognise how DH feels about this too.

There's nothing wrong with boundaries about your own house and visitors.

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2022 14:31

Sorry was typing that when you were typing that's not the case although that's how it sounded.

Perhaps one week evening and one weekend evening would be enough for him?

Maybe if you enjoy their company you can all go somewhere another evening together?

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:33

picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2022 14:29

Ask him what he wants. Help him work out if it's the inconsistency that bothers him, or the frequency, or maybe the taking over his kitchen and doing the cooking without warning. Basically he has to behave as though there's a guest at times he doesn't want to.

I have asked him on many occasions. Aside from the absolute barrage of bullshit and nonsense "I just want respect in my house", "I just want some fucking peace", "I just want someone to say thank you" it seems he wants things how they used to be. When DD and DS watched a movie at 7 and went to bed a 10 and kissed him and cuddled him and we all carved pumpkins and drank hot chocolate and life was like a Disney movie. But life was never like that.

I am very close to DS and DD and they both love their dad very very much but he confuses the hell out of of all, constantly.

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OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:33

Is he always sleeping over or just visiting?

I think visiting I different to sleeping but as long as it’s not more than say 2 nights sleeping I can’t see why you dh is trying to be all man of the house marking his territory.

Like his daughters growing up she’s going to get a bf eventually a husband who will be “man” of her house. I think it’s more to do with losing HIS girl than the bf actually being there

SpookabooAtTheZoo · 30/10/2022 14:34

Is the BF helping with chores etc? If DH is doing the lion's share of housekeeping maybe he's seeing the extra mess and work (and food expense?) of a long-term visitor who comes around often. He's probably also sad that his daughter is growing up and potentially leaving home to start her own one day soon. But YANBU and you could do with talking to DH about the fact his daughter will move out sooner if he doesn't make BF (and by extension, DD) feel welcome.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:35

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2022 14:31

Sorry was typing that when you were typing that's not the case although that's how it sounded.

Perhaps one week evening and one weekend evening would be enough for him?

Maybe if you enjoy their company you can all go somewhere another evening together?

Well this is the thing, I have done this. 3 times recently - 1 shopping trip, 1 meal out and a car boot sale (!) Each time, due to my disability BF has very kindly offered to drive. Then suddenly, about 30 mins before we leave, DH has a sudden change of personality and is super enthusiastic about coming with us. It's infuriating.

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Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:37

OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:33

Is he always sleeping over or just visiting?

I think visiting I different to sleeping but as long as it’s not more than say 2 nights sleeping I can’t see why you dh is trying to be all man of the house marking his territory.

Like his daughters growing up she’s going to get a bf eventually a husband who will be “man” of her house. I think it’s more to do with losing HIS girl than the bf actually being there

We have a rule of 1 night per month max sleepovers. This is because I think it is v important DD is a 'girl' with a 'boyfriend' and doesn't slide into a living together situation. DD agrees with this and is respectful. He leaves by 10 the week and 11 on the weekend.

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OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:39

One night a month sleep over and he visits two or three days a week your husband needs to get over it tbh.

This is all about him losing his little girl.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:40

SpookabooAtTheZoo · 30/10/2022 14:34

Is the BF helping with chores etc? If DH is doing the lion's share of housekeeping maybe he's seeing the extra mess and work (and food expense?) of a long-term visitor who comes around often. He's probably also sad that his daughter is growing up and potentially leaving home to start her own one day soon. But YANBU and you could do with talking to DH about the fact his daughter will move out sooner if he doesn't make BF (and by extension, DD) feel welcome.

BF is a massive tank of a young man and eats a lot but buys a lot of food and helps a huge amount around the house. He also looked after all our farm animals when we went away for 2 weeks and does any little tasks I ask with great enthusiasm - filling coal buckets, taking out bins, catching a half crazed escaped ram lamb...... he is a very kind person, a bit too much of a softy if anything.

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Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:41

OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:39

One night a month sleep over and he visits two or three days a week your husband needs to get over it tbh.

This is all about him losing his little girl.

This is interesting, lots saying it. I am seeing it like a male animal pissing on a tree tbh. Haha

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OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:43

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:41

This is interesting, lots saying it. I am seeing it like a male animal pissing on a tree tbh. Haha

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It’s exactly that. His daughter is his daughter not her bf’s, gf. His struggling to let go of her being his it’s not healthy for him or her if he gets away with it.

At 17 I’m surprised she thinks one night a whole month is good tbh but sounds like she knows what her dads like.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:44

I met DH when I was 18 and we were far less respectful to both our parents than DD and BF are. I look back and cringe at some of our antics. I mention this to DH and he "can't remember". His parents were very very unkind to me and it never let up so the kids have been to their home 3 times and have no relationships with them. My mum smiled and put up with us and tried to steer me and it worked and we are all so close now. We laugh about my daft carrying on as a teenager. I wonder what DH thinks, I really do.

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picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2022 14:45

Have you asked him whether he wants the same relationship with his DD as he has with his parents?

OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:48

That’s it my parents let us have sleep overs in fact dh moved in and paid rent at one point. With his family is was more like sneaking around. We got our own house at 17 in the end had a baby by 18. I’m not sure that’s what his parents where planning o.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/10/2022 14:48

It sounds like you prefer the BF to your DH. Everything you say is glowing about the BF but you sound like you don't like your DH much. Perhaps that is part of the problem.

Abitofalark · 30/10/2022 14:49

It sounds too much for him. Can't he ever have a week, including a weekend, without the visitor? Breathing space. Private space. The family unit. Not an overly regular or frequent extra presence. And there's possibly a feeling of mother and children all bunching up together and he a bit of an outsider or on his own in terms of influence on what happens in the family? Calling it boring or whatever is dismissive. A weekend visit every other week perhaps and once a week on weekdays in between, might be enough for him.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 14:51

OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 14:43

It’s exactly that. His daughter is his daughter not her bf’s, gf. His struggling to let go of her being his it’s not healthy for him or her if he gets away with it.

At 17 I’m surprised she thinks one night a whole month is good tbh but sounds like she knows what her dads like.

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They have been on holiday together 3 times as well, for a week each time.

DD is only 17 and obviously in love, she has high functioning ASD and her alexithymia means it is hard for her to understand a lot of aspects of her emotions. We have spent a lot of time discussing her choices and how she moves forward with her relationship to make sure that she is not going to fast or getting muddled between sex/love etc. I understand that this might seem very odd to some but she brings these things to me and it works for us to have this agreement.

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