Page 3 | AIBU: Territorial Behaviour

HelenWick · 2022-10-30T14:09:15+00:00

We are a family of 4, DH, DD17, DS19 (away at Uni) and me. We have a busy home with a lot of commitments. DD17 has a BF of 3 years. He is lovely, they get on very well. He is helpful and cooks, cleans up and always offers to go to the shops etc (he drives). He is here a lot. BF's Dad does not like DD and BF staying as he "needs space to relax" and his wife is unkind to DD and picks at her constantly, BF's mum's husband has a health condition and can't abide any noise in the house. I am happy for them to be here any or all of the time. DH has started getting angry at BF being at our house. When I ask why he says he wants it to be "just us, the 3 of us". I disagree, it is her home and BF is no problem, I want to spend much time with DD as possible and accept that they come as a pair a lot of the time now. Today he had massive tantrum screaming that other men get their homes to themselves. I responded by pointing out the myriad of ways in which our families and homes were different. He has stormed off. DD does spend lots of time with us on her own and is far more than the average 17yo due to my work and disability. Who is BU?

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 17:40

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 16:18

Is your dh autistic by any chance? He seems upset by his routine changing but nit really able to articulate why?

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I am an Ed Psych and 95% sure he would get a positive ASD diagnosis. He certainly has key traits.

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Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 17:45

DaenerysTarragon · 30/10/2022 17:37

I wish you'd mentioned it's only 1 night a month in your original post. Your DH is completely unreasonable, but it sounds to me as if he might benefit from some counselling?

Yes I agree my OP was unhelpful as it phrased it the way DH does rather than the no nights etc.
Counselling, which he had for 3 years, was not beneficial unfortunately. I think a different type might be but it made him self centred and entitled and more difficult to live with. At one point he told me his councillor and he had decided that an extended break from work would be good for his mental health - this was when I had just returned to work 8 weeks after giving birth due to financial necessity! At that time he blamed all of his problems on his parents and as they had been so bullying and unkind to me I accepted it. Now that I am the cause of so many issues (I am literally the only person left talking to him besides DC) I am not so sure. He certainly looks to blame and attack rather than take responsibility for his own life and choices.

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NicolaSixSix · 30/10/2022 17:46

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/10/2022 14:48

It sounds like you prefer the BF to your DH. Everything you say is glowing about the BF but you sound like you don't like your DH much. Perhaps that is part of the problem.

What a jump

Merlott · 30/10/2022 17:47

This sounds exhausting and so dramatic. Does DH have an office, shed, hobbies ? He needs to get a life. It sounds like his focus is purely on moaning and shouting at his family.

I'm a bit worried for you once DD goes to uni. Stuck living with an angry belligerent bully of a man.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 17:51

Merlott · 30/10/2022 17:47

This sounds exhausting and so dramatic. Does DH have an office, shed, hobbies ? He needs to get a life. It sounds like his focus is purely on moaning and shouting at his family.

I'm a bit worried for you once DD goes to uni. Stuck living with an angry belligerent bully of a man.

Well yes. I feel a bit shaken up now tbh :(
Thank you

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Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 17:53

He's gone on one of his "walks' now. Where he wanders off and won't tell anyone what he is doing or when he is coming home. He is very manipulative and I won't let him control DC, but he is certainly making me unhappy now.

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OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 17:56

Sounds like you tread on eggs shells scared of what he will do or say. His a very controlling man and even these cooling off walks or whatever are part of that. He just leave no sign of where his going or when he will be back. All to worry you.

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 17:59

Sadly I think it's time to get your ducks in a row.

Whether there is a medical reason (early onset dementia) or he has just stopped fighting his selfish side it looks like a miserable future for your ahead.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 18:05

OhmygodDont · 30/10/2022 17:56

Sounds like you tread on eggs shells scared of what he will do or say. His a very controlling man and even these cooling off walks or whatever are part of that. He just leave no sign of where his going or when he will be back. All to worry you.

And he turns his location tracker off on his iphone to make me anxious.
Why does it make me anxious?
Because one time, about 4 years ago he told me he was going to kill himself and drove off. He went to local beauty spot where there is no signal, and got in the back of his car and 'fell asleep' for 7 hours. I nearly lost my mind. DC were both asleep and I had drunk 2 glasses of wine at dinner so couldn't go looking for him. He claims it was accidental and I it's unfair to mention this.
I have never told anyone that before.
I just want my DC to be happy.

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Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 18:07

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 17:59

Sadly I think it's time to get your ducks in a row.

Whether there is a medical reason (early onset dementia) or he has just stopped fighting his selfish side it looks like a miserable future for your ahead.

Yes but I am very scared and have never been without him. And when I have attempted to discuss the fact he doesn't like his life and wants to be on his own he stonewalls me. He will refuse to move out. He knows this house is my world (I bought it, paid for it, had all the work done to make it fit our needs etc) and I can't face selling it/moving so I am trapped.

I know I am not, I know the truth, I am scared.

I cannot go on like this thou.

Thanks for helping me work through this thought process.

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RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 18:16

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 18:05

And he turns his location tracker off on his iphone to make me anxious.
Why does it make me anxious?
Because one time, about 4 years ago he told me he was going to kill himself and drove off. He went to local beauty spot where there is no signal, and got in the back of his car and 'fell asleep' for 7 hours. I nearly lost my mind. DC were both asleep and I had drunk 2 glasses of wine at dinner so couldn't go looking for him. He claims it was accidental and I it's unfair to mention this.
I have never told anyone that before.
I just want my DC to be happy.

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That's not on him, it's weird to track another human and get anxiety if they don't allow you to
If you're not compatible then you'd both be happier separate.

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 18:18

Have you ever considered your house is so important to you because you perhaps could never rely on him?

Once your DC aren't in it anymore believe it suddenly just becomes brick and mortar.

Original poster

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 18:21

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 18:18

Have you ever considered your house is so important to you because you perhaps could never rely on him?

Once your DC aren't in it anymore believe it suddenly just becomes brick and mortar.

I have quite complex disabilities and keep sheep, so I basically had to purpose build a small holding I could manage and run. And I did and we ALL love it. The house is so important to DC and me, it's a very special place and irreplaceable as I couldn't do it again. It's hard to explain.

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picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2022 18:25

HelenWick · 30/10/2022 17:53

He's gone on one of his "walks' now. Where he wanders off and won't tell anyone what he is doing or when he is coming home. He is very manipulative and I won't let him control DC, but he is certainly making me unhappy now.

Oh dear. There's more to this isn't there. The boyfriend was the trigger, but the underlying situation needs addressing.

picklemewalnuts · 30/10/2022 18:27

Maybe you need to stop facilitating his happy life, and challenge him more so he's less comfortable. I mean, it won't be pleasant, but may push him into paying more attention to his own behaviour.
Maybe you need support from Women's aid?

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 18:29

You can't stay in an abusive relationship for your sheep and house I'm afraid.

I wonder if he is incredibly jealous of your happiness and the simple things - your home, the small holding, the DC, your job, your friends meanwhile he is bitter and begrudging.

thing47 · 30/10/2022 18:58

@HelenWick it's quite clear that the BF isn't the real problem. On that score alone I was thinking you might be being a little harsh – DD2 has her first really serious BF and he's as lovely as your DD's, but he's here a lot (2-3 evenings a week and most of the weekend, though they are usually out on Friday and Saturday evenings) and it does sometimes feel a little restrictive. There have definitely been occasions when both DH and I have felt we could do with some space…

But your DH obviously has bigger problems, and so do you sadly. He seems to be turning into his father and has changed a lot and if that's something you feel you wouldn't be able to live with long-term well I think that sounds eminently reasonable on your part.

Stopthebusplease · 30/10/2022 19:14

Quite frankly OP, I'd be telling your husband to shape up, or ship out! What a selfish, controlling man he has turned out to be. You're absolutely right to challenge him that he's turning into his father the way he's treating your DD. If he can't see it, and continues to make life unpleasant for her, he could end up finding himself completely alone, as your children need to always feel that they and their friends are welcome at THEIR home at any time. Making friends unwelcome, especially 'romantic' friends for want of a better term, will only result in them going elsewhere, which will make you unhappy, and in turn, you will take it out on him. He needs a wake up call before he ruins all of your lives. I think you are VERY brave standing up to him, as he's obviously a bully, and in my opinion, I would seriously be thinking of getting rid of him. Tell him if he wants a home to himself, he's welcome to go and find one, all on his own! Honestly, men like this make me sick, I'm only surprised you've put up with him this far, now that you've told us what he's really like.