AIBU: Territorial Behaviour

[HelenWick]

We are a family of 4, DH, DD17, DS19 (away at Uni) and me. We have a busy home with a lot of commitments.

DD17 has a BF of 3 years. He is lovely, they get on very well. He is helpful and cooks, cleans up and always offers to go to the shops etc (he drives). He is here a lot.

BF's Dad does not like DD and BF staying as he "needs space to relax" and his wife is unkind to DD and picks at her constantly, BF's mum's husband has a health condition and can't abide any noise in the house. I am happy for them to be here any or all of the time.

DH has started getting angry at BF being at our house. When I ask why he says he wants it to be "just us, the 3 of us". I disagree, it is her home and BF is no problem, I want to spend much time with DD as possible and accept that they come as a pair a lot of the time now.

Today he had massive tantrum screaming that other men get their homes to themselves. I responded by pointing out the myriad of ways in which our families and homes were different. He has stormed off.

DD does spend lots of time with us on her own and is far more than the average 17yo due to my work and disability.

Who is BU?

Yes, he got upset and said he was nothing like them. He viscerally hates them. It is very hard work.

@HundredMilesAnHour I was just about to type exactly that.

OP you don't sound like you like your DH much tbh, maybe that's the problem?

He has as much right to not want him there as you do for being ok with it. You need to talk to him and see if you can work out an arrangement that suits everyone.

Yes I think that would be enough for him but it would not get the result he wants. DD would be out with BF he'll be here with me or by himself. He can't demand his 17yo sits next to him on the sofa watching reruns of Spongebob forever! (however lovely that might be)

I'm not going to bother replying to the "you don't like DH much" trolls other than this:

Obviously I do because I remain married to him despite his misanthropy driving all his mates away over the last 10 years. It is perfectly possible to love someone deeply, with great loyalty and commitment, and still think they are being a fucking idiot and making themselves deeply unhappy.

Out of interest and to prove a point op. How was he with ds’s girlfriends.

Have you reflected on an ASD component to his and his parents' behaviour? Could there be a lot of misunderstanding of relationships/feelings and resistance to change going on?

I find it helpful with my family members with autistic traits to simply reflect things back at them, without challenging it.

So I might say to your DH, 'She's growing up, isn't she? I suppose we have to accept that eventually other people will be more important to her than us.'
'It's lovely he makes her happy, and is so helpful to us. It does feel a bit strange to have him joining our family like this. We often don't like change.'
'I wonder whether it's difficult for you to see her changing, and becoming so grown up?'.

That tends to help mine

DS has had the same GF for 4 years but she was shielding for the whole of Covid (v vulnerable family member) and they have a hobby they do which means that she was rarely here other than for an afternoon here and there. She is from a very different background and thinks we're a bit much, which I can see we are for many. I think GFs worst nightmare would be sitting on the sofa with us all eating off our laps Royale Family style whereas BF just cosies himself in 😂😂

DS does have a couple of mates that were round a lot and DH got ratty with them, unless they brought him food and told him he had a great record collection 😂

I wasn't going to mention any of this, because it is not strictly relevant but DH almost certainly has undiagnosed ASD. I met him when I was 18 and by 24 was running a service facilitating education for young people with high functioning ASD. I qualified as a Ed Psych and after years of gentle chit chat he did a screening which was very strongly suggesting a full clinical diagnosis. He refused. He will not discuss it or read about it. So yes, I am not unaware and have discussed this with DH and DD. DD is very happy to have her diagnosis and makes excellent use of support. I am very proud of her and how far she has come.

Compromise and agree on no more than 2 nights a week?

So it’s ok if they feed him and tell him his/his stuffs great. That’s not an introvert that’s just an ego thing.

Im and introvert and understand and put myself out to make sure my children still have sleepovers and have friends round.

haha my mum is so the type to eat a pukka pie on the sofa watching Trashy tv as a family where as my I laws are dinner at the table much more like myself (for the children anyway 😅) so I get it. I tend to hate most tv.

Thanks for all your comments, it's really got me thinking along some new lines. Appreciated.

I wouldn't accept this. If your dh stops dd bf staying she will spend time with him else where and you lose time with her (and potentially it could impact on your relationship) 3 times a week is not excessive. I'd be telling dh to enjoy his time on the 4 other nights of the week.

This is where I am atm.

Also I am very introverted, but he has become misanthropic in the last 5 years, this is the observation of everyone around us, not me.

I think it's partly male possession over his property, "my house" "my females" and also parental possession over "my children". He doesn't want another man getting comfortable in his house, taking his women away from him. And he doesn't want his child to grow up and distance herself from him and stop being the little girl who thought he was her hero and relished every little bit of attention he gave her.

And on both counts, tough shit. Life moves on, people grow up. He can embrace the now and the future or he can push it, and her, away.

I think what you need here is compromise. It does come over a bit like you are ganging up on him just because you like the bf being there frequently. Your husband clearly doesn't like it and it's all well and good you feeling he's pushing DD away, but has it occurred to you he might feel pushed out himself?

He sounds like a difficult man to live with. You're handling this well OP.

Yes - compromise is the way forward. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right, or why he likes the house private and you don’t. That’s all irrelevant. You have a difference of opinion so compromise. Try to find out what annoys your DH most - is it the BF being there every weekend, for example? Find out, then plan compromises - a middle way.

Some people can’t fully relax with ‘strangers’ in their home, no matter how nice they are. That’s a character difference not a failing. Your DH sounds stressed. You say he’s become more withdrawn - perhaps try to find out why, and see if he needs support from you.

@LuckyLil I think he does feel pushed put and isolated. He felt this as a child in his family and chose to spend pretty much all his time alone in a little attic room he build himself - drawing and listening to records.Then he met me and we spent 6 years discussing how our life would be and what we wanted, and now we have it and he is like this.

He is hard to live with @roarfeckingroarr. I am constantly in the middle with him huffing and grumping and demanding I make his life how he wants it, despite to seeming to know what he wants!

This is a prime example:

DS is at Uni a 4 hour drive away. We are very very proud of him. We both took him the first time and on the way home DH made a big deal of saying that from now on, I was to come if I wanted to, but otherwise it would be his privilege to collect and drop DS each term. He was all teary eyed and said that having that time, just the 2 of them, would be very special. I agreed and facilitated it all - booking the premier inn - nagging DS for dates when he forgot etc - all great. Then about 2 days before collection for the summer DH gets a massive strop on. Stomping around moaning about his 'horrible drive' and 'fucking traffic' and 'I'm a fucking slave, no one appreciates me". So I said I'd love to spend a weekend in that City tbh - there is a museum I want to visit and DS mentioned a Thai place he wants to take me to. He went BERSERK! How dare I take the piss! Stomped off, didn't see him for 4 hours. When he returned it was all back on, he'd been talking to DS and arranged to go to a gig the weekend he picked him up. It really is all a bit dramatic and mad to me. I love him but no one can make any sense of this nonsense.

He's withdrawn from his entire network except me and DC - but he is not withdrawn in himself - he is very loud and expressive! Attempts to be domineering but I won't have it and that it what brings on the tantrums. His father was an utter tyrant and used his earnings to control the household. DH knows this but has some poor learned behaviours that have emerged post 42, as an unwelcome surprise!

Blimey sounds like he is no longer able to or prepared to be reasonable.

Perhaps his ability to "mask" has gone/down with?

Is your dh autistic by any chance? He seems upset by his routine changing but nit really able to articulate why?

Yes, my DH has some similar changes. He's been WFH so been much less stressed and more laid back.

He's also got a bit less flexible though. So even more resistant to change than in the past.

He does try so hard, bless him.

I wish you'd mentioned it's only 1 night a month in your original post. Your DH is completely unreasonable, but it sounds to me as if he might benefit from some counselling?

this thread has helped me come to this conclusion too, thank you

He has also started talking in a slightly odd way and taken up some odd turns of phrase - all specifically recognisable as things his Father does. It's very disconcerting.