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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at my birthday present from my husband?

52 replies

85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 13:41

We are on a super super tight budget since our second baby. There isn't anything I want for my birthday & I said to my husband just to take the kids to get some flowers & leave it at that. We just got him beers & chocolate for his birthday, as agreed. Thismorning, I open my card to find he's bought concert tickets (for in a few months time) for my birthday. He's also booked a hotel, as it's a few hours away. It is definitely something that is way more up his street than mine, & I am annoyed because it feels like he's just booked something for himself & disguised it as a present for me.

More importantly, i've been bringing up a lot with him lately how exhausted I am at being the only one who has to deal with the mental load/planning/worrying about the kids because he just doesn't give logistics a thought. Not only has he not attempted to plan ahead childcare before forking out the cash for the tickets, I still co-sleep & breastfeed the youngest. She is over 1 but never had a night away from me & I've always said that I'm not going to ask my parents to do anything childcare wise that my husband can't manage himself, and yet he gives up trying to get her to sleep at night after about 15 mins, & does not cope with night wakes at all & gives her straight to me. I know there is time for things to change, but I certainly wouldn't have even considered booking any trips away until I am comfortable leaving her & knowing she's not going to spend the night screaming. I try and follow a gentle approach to sleep but know I feel like I've been given a deadline.

Basically everything about the present has annoyed me and seems thoughtless but my husband is just calling me ungrateful because I asked how much he spent & where he was expecting the kids to go. AIBU

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 30/10/2022 13:46

Reminds me of that time my ExH bought me a laptop on a credit card (he wasn’t earning) for my birthday, because his broke.
I took it and locked with a password. He got very angry he couldn’t use it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Take the tickets and go with a friend.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 30/10/2022 13:47

Just tell him to let you know when he has organised child care and spending money. Never mention it again until then.
Isn't your problem to sort..

QuiltedHippo · 30/10/2022 13:49

I like the idea of taking a friend!

My baby was similar and thing started changing for the better around 17 months, I'd still rather have left her with my husband before other babysitters though

Justcallmebebes · 30/10/2022 13:50

I agree with PP. Take the tickets and go with a friend. Win win. You get a break and he gets to parent his children

Maray1967 · 30/10/2022 13:52

Yes, exactly that. He stays and does childcare, you go with a friend.

Homewardbound2022 · 30/10/2022 13:52

BuddhaAtSea · 30/10/2022 13:46

Reminds me of that time my ExH bought me a laptop on a credit card (he wasn’t earning) for my birthday, because his broke.
I took it and locked with a password. He got very angry he couldn’t use it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Take the tickets and go with a friend.

What a CF!
Him not you.

TwentyForty · 30/10/2022 13:53

100% go with a friend or family member! ANYONE! He looks after the kids and you can chill out in the hotel.

You don't even have to go to the concert! Sell the tickets and buy something for yourself.

I hate it when they buy presents that are actually for themselves. My ex did this!

Trees6 · 30/10/2022 13:59

I don’t think that YABU - not at all - but this present sounds to me as if your husband is trying to establish some couple-time for you both, hence the romantic “experience” gift rather than clothes or technology, for example. I’m wondering if he’s implying that you don’t do enough as a couple and are drifting. I may be off the mark here - apologies if so OP!

forrestgreen · 30/10/2022 13:59

Brilliant
Go with a friend then he doesn't have to sort any childcare

blinkingheckthisishard · 30/10/2022 13:59

I wouldn't want to tar your husband with the same brush but if my husband did this it would basically boil down to his needs only, and the expectation of a dirty weekend. No thoughts on the logistics/practicality. Just pure selfishness wrapped up in the disguise of having some "quality time" together.

Y7drama · 30/10/2022 14:01

Absolutely take a friend then no need for childcare and a lovely break for you. I’m sorry though, this is a selfish present.

RandomMusings7 · 30/10/2022 14:02

He's a cheeky fucker, getting a present for himself basically.

Call his bluff, take a friend to the concert instead.

Thatnameistaken · 30/10/2022 14:07

I'd be fuming, but PPs have nailed it! Take a friend and look at it as a break.

XanaduKira · 30/10/2022 15:03

I'd also be very upset and angry at this as it's really not a present for you.

Agree with the others - thank him for the tickets and take a friend or sell them and buy yourself something you actually want.

Devoutspoken · 30/10/2022 15:13

I don't know, he may genuinely want to spend time as a couple

Winterfires · 30/10/2022 15:17

Definitely either tell him to let you know when he’s sorted out the logistics or childcare or go with someone else and pretend you thought this gift was for you and not him.

Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 20:40

Oh yes, I'm sure he does, we obviously don't spend nearly as much time just us two as we used to - but I still think he ought to have waited until I felt comfortable leaving the kids overnight, arranged childcare, planned something that wouldn't be hundreds of pounds that we don't have, & maybe given some consideration to if it is something I would like too!

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 30/10/2022 20:43

Devoutspoken · 30/10/2022 15:13

I don't know, he may genuinely want to spend time as a couple

Which still makes it primarily a present for him.

LoveBluey · 30/10/2022 20:46

Devoutspoken · 30/10/2022 15:13

I don't know, he may genuinely want to spend time as a couple

But he didn't need to book a concert that he liked. He could have booked a lovely spa hotel.

Notimeforaname · 30/10/2022 20:49

Some people are shit at thinking up gifts for others. Does appear that he just defaulted to something he likes.

Did he know that you had final say on when you could go away for a night/break?
Was the plan to just tell him one day when you decided it was ok to stay out ?

Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 20:49

Thanks for the feedback. I do feel validated in my annoyance, although I wish i hadn't let it get the better of me & put a dampener on the day!

I appreciate what you guys are saying about taking someone else, but I'd still be in the same predicament of leaving the baby overnight, & it's still money we could use on other things. I'm going to have a calm talk with him, find out what the hotel cancellation policy is, check we have childcare options & then say I'll consider it closer to the time based on how the baby is settling & our finances, but that if I decide I don't want to go, I'll be cancelling the hotel & selling the tickets & I don't expect any tantrums about it from him!

OP posts:
Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 21:12

I wouldn't put it that I have 'final say'. But I deal with bedtime & all night wakes with the baby. If she comfortably accepted my husband putting her to bed & slept through the night, or accepted my husband to resettle her for night wakes, then of course, I'd trial my parents having her for a night. But whilst she wakes several times a night & gets very upset when it's not me settling her, I think it is unreasonable on my parents and unfair on her to just dump her on them for the night. I've always said not going to ask more from my parents than my husband can manage. I don't have a 'plan' and my eldest has been left overnight with my husband and grandparents with no issues at a much younger age than this, I am just going to respond to my daughter's needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 21:17

Actually, thinking about it, I'm changing my mind. I do have final say, and I think that's fair

Every time we try and attempt for him to put her to bed, or settle her in the night, he will hand her off on me after 5/10 mins if she won't go back to sleep easy or cries loads. So I think it's fair that he doesn't get a say in when she's ready to be left with grandparents overnight when he takes so little of the sleep burden himself 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 21:19

Exactly! Planning something more affordable, In the daytime, & arranging childcare before booking, as a surprise present would have been lovely & thoughtful!

OP posts:
Caroffee · 30/10/2022 21:22

It's totally thoughtless and selfish. He bought a present for himself as you said.