Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at my birthday present from my husband?

52 replies

85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 13:41

We are on a super super tight budget since our second baby. There isn't anything I want for my birthday & I said to my husband just to take the kids to get some flowers & leave it at that. We just got him beers & chocolate for his birthday, as agreed. Thismorning, I open my card to find he's bought concert tickets (for in a few months time) for my birthday. He's also booked a hotel, as it's a few hours away. It is definitely something that is way more up his street than mine, & I am annoyed because it feels like he's just booked something for himself & disguised it as a present for me.

More importantly, i've been bringing up a lot with him lately how exhausted I am at being the only one who has to deal with the mental load/planning/worrying about the kids because he just doesn't give logistics a thought. Not only has he not attempted to plan ahead childcare before forking out the cash for the tickets, I still co-sleep & breastfeed the youngest. She is over 1 but never had a night away from me & I've always said that I'm not going to ask my parents to do anything childcare wise that my husband can't manage himself, and yet he gives up trying to get her to sleep at night after about 15 mins, & does not cope with night wakes at all & gives her straight to me. I know there is time for things to change, but I certainly wouldn't have even considered booking any trips away until I am comfortable leaving her & knowing she's not going to spend the night screaming. I try and follow a gentle approach to sleep but know I feel like I've been given a deadline.

Basically everything about the present has annoyed me and seems thoughtless but my husband is just calling me ungrateful because I asked how much he spent & where he was expecting the kids to go. AIBU

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 21:24

From what you’ve said, your husband sounds selfish and lazy and you sound a bit like a weary (and wary) enabler. I understand that posts on here are just a snapshot of relationships, but the gift is incredibly thoughtless and this is unacceptable i've been bringing up a lot with him lately how exhausted I am at being the only one who has to deal with the mental load/planning/worrying about the kids because he just doesn't give logistics a thought. As is this he gives up trying to get her to sleep at night after about 15 mins, & does not cope with night wakes at all & gives her straight to me

Why are you tolerating this?

Oysterbabe · 30/10/2022 21:28

Yanbu.
I was still breastfeeding when mine were that age and not a chance in hell I would have left them overnight.

Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 21:31

Nope, you are right on the nose. We have two young kids, very limited childcare options, the youngest ends up in our bed from about midnight every night because I'm too exhausted to keep getting up to her. Of course we don't spend enough time together as a couple. Some quality time to reconnect would be lovely. But the way he's gone about it just seems like such a really misjudged move I feel even more distant!

OP posts:
SavingsThreads · 30/10/2022 21:33

Do you recognise that you have bigger issues in your relationship that this present?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2022 21:36

Is it a concert you wouldn't choose? And one he would?

STARCATCHER22 · 30/10/2022 21:42

Have you told him how you feel about the present?? He may well think that he’s done the right thing (or at very least be well-intentioned)

If you are open about how you feel about it, he may be happy to rearrange something more appropriate for you to spend some quality time together

Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 22:11

I combi fed my first, plus she had a dummy, so it was much easier on her to be left (albeit just as difficult for me!) So I know that's where he gets his expectations from, but it's just a completely different situation with this one!

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 30/10/2022 22:29

I once got a pack of Multi Vitamins from my ex (genuinely lovely guy) because I'd told him I wanted to get myself into shape more (trying to conceive at the time) it's the one gift I love telling people about, as they genuinely don't believe me, until he does admit it 😂😂 I mean, the thought was there at least 😂😂

Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 23:33

Yes, definitely. Hence the AIBU post about the present because I was second guessing if me being upset with the present was tied up with other issues

OP posts:
Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 23:35

Ha ha, well yes, at least that's thoughtful!

OP posts:
Original poster
85sarah2005 · 30/10/2022 23:52

In his defence, he's definitely not lazy. We've just fallen into different roles that isn't exactly how I would choose/how I expected it to be. In terms of tolerating... I wouldn't say I am, I've expressed my concerns to him, I've asked for help, he says he tries his best but clearly we are on a different page. I've suggested councelling but again, we are limited by funds/time/childcare. We actually went through a similar bad spell when our first was born, but once she started sleeping & I was less exhausted, our priorities re-aligned & we came out of it ok.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 00:04

If you ‘ask for help’ as opposed to state, categorically, that he’s not doing his part, you’re tolerating it. Taking care of his own children isn’t ‘helping’ you.

If you continue being ‘the only one who has to deal with the mental load/planning/worrying about the kids because he just doesn't give logistics a thought’ then you are tolerating it. Say you’re not sorting logistics/making the plans and then leave him to it.

If you acquiesce when he ‘gives up trying to get her to sleep at night after about 15 mins’ then you are tolerating it. You say ‘no, she’s your child and you have to learn at some point’.

If you acquiesce when he ‘does not cope with night wakes at all & gives her straight to you’ then you are tolerating it. Respond as above.

If he’s not doing the childcare heavy lifting, then he’s not ‘trying his best’. And it’s nothing to do with different pages or expectations. Babies need to be put to sleep, this is an objective fact. There is zero reason why the sole responsibility for that should rest with one parent and the relationship suffer until the baby grows out of it and said parent recovers from her exhaustion.

You claim he’s not lazy, but he certainly sounds it. And selfish. And you are enabling this behaviour and martyring yourself. I think possibly out of habit? Get out of the habit. You’re allowed to say ‘no’, you’re allowed to state when he’s done something selfish, you’re allowed to demand a more equitable distribution of domestic labour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2022 00:30

We actually went through a similar bad spell when our first was born, but once she started sleeping & I was less exhausted, our priorities re-aligned & we came out of it ok.

Did you? Because that resentment that the person who is supposed to love you let you suffer festers. If he didn't do it last time he definitely won't now.

caringcarer · 31/10/2022 00:57

Yes brilliant idea, you go to concert with a friend and DH babysits. Teach him for being so sly. My Exh bought me Eddie Izzard tickets for my birthday once. He loves him but I don't. I said thank you and went withy sister he was gobsmacked. He did not do it again. Start thinking of who you will invite OP.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/10/2022 01:08

I definitely agree with going with a friend and him having his children. It’s not for a few months so plenty of time for him to get comfortable settling baby. Do not be there to let him fob baby off on you - sit in car, go for a walk etc. The children have two parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2022 01:12

Your husband bought a gift for himself. I don't blame you at all for being upset.

CaptainMum · 31/10/2022 01:41

I'd cancel the hotel and sell the tickets. Then you've either a little birthday spending money or it's returned to the pot!

autienotnaughty · 31/10/2022 02:08

Reading your posts I think I would say thank you for the thought but cancel the concert and hotel. Then I'd take a portion of the money and treat yourself , how much is up to you it could just be some chocolates or something like a spa.

deeperthanallroses · 31/10/2022 02:21

I’d cancel. I wouldn’t want it hanging over me and just waiting to be either ‘my fault’ for cancelling or I’d have to work out the logistics. Plus it sends a clear message and you can reserve the whole amount to spend on what you want. Ask your parents for a couple of hours and go out for coffee with him so the reconnect element isn’t lost (even though that doesn’t have the sex he might also want but it’s not his birthday!) and spend ALL the money on something you want. Since he was happy to spend it on ‘your birthday present’ that should be fine!

TheTeenageYears · 31/10/2022 02:26

The present issue aside have you thought about having DH take the baby out of your house for the night and see how he gets on with settling her when the smell of you isn't all around?

Fraaahnces · 31/10/2022 02:30

Better still, sell the tickets and take a friend to the hotel.

romdowa · 31/10/2022 02:37

Sell the tickets and go to the hotel yourself for a good night's rest.

imacatmeow · 31/10/2022 03:25

So many low bars and excuses on this thread. Maybe he just wanted some time as a couple?! Great, organize the childcare and an outing the op actually likes? Christ.

He sounds selfish and with everything you have said about his attitude toward parenting I'd be wondering how much longer I'd last with him.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 31/10/2022 05:45

I think he thinks you will go “oh I can’t go, you go with a mate”. Sell the ticket, get a refund or postpone the hotel.

Joshanddonna · 31/10/2022 06:21

Go with a friend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread