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Original poster

Has anyone else got a friend who’s a helicopter parent even though their dc are older teens?

64 replies

Enidanddelilah · 30/10/2022 09:08

I’ve got a friend who is completely obsessed with her dc and still micro manages every aspect of their life from boys and friends to school work. It’s all she talks about as well in a bragging, superior way. Her eldest is 17 and still does everything they are told, no rebellion at all. Anyone else know anyone like this? How did their dc turn out?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 30/10/2022 09:12

Yes and no. She was minutely involved in their lives and education and read every essay they ever wrote including at uni and beyond. If it was a subject she didn’t know she’d basically follow the syllabus and learn with them.

Shes never bragged or boasted and both are charming individuals. She probably thinks I’m extremely neglectful or maybe she, like me, accepts that we are all different and not necessarily right to wrong. My DC are also lovely well adjusted adults.

FayeGovan · 30/10/2022 09:12

Yep, the one i know had no interest in him as a child but now they are very successful in something she's all over him like a rash. And the child does as hes told. Weird.

CrapBucket · 30/10/2022 09:15

Yes and I am slightly envious that their DC goes along with it!! My teens are so private there is no way on earth they would let me helicopter them.

DrunkOnHim · 30/10/2022 09:21

No, but I have a friend who had very protective helicopter parents and were very involved in her life til she left home for Uni. It doesn’t seem to have held her back, she’s very confident, she has a successful career and kids that she’s not overprotective of. She’s still close to her parents. I think going away for uni made them see her as an adult so that was a good choice for her.

DrunkOnHim · 30/10/2022 09:25

To add, I’m not a helicopter parent but my kids have never really rebelled. I think some kids just don’t. My son was a bit wilful at times as a younger child but as teens they’ve all been really easy kids.

Livetoplay · 30/10/2022 09:27

Yup, My SIL and the kid has finally escaped her clutches and is at Uni where she still tries to control everything but the distance makes it harder… though she still controls the £££
Hes weird as hell.

Sparklingbrook · 30/10/2022 09:30

I couldn’t helicopter mine if I tried. They’re too mysterious 😂

I do remember when DS first started Uni being told that parents were NOT permitted to bring blow up beds and live in their child’s room in halls for the first few weeks under any circumstances. 😮

Swannning · 30/10/2022 09:33

God I would love to helicopter mine (24 and 18) but they and DP won't let me! I am naturally very anxious and worry about them ALL the time so would like to manage every aspect of their lives, but I am able to see that I need to let them live their own lives, much as it is hard for me.

user55875537986543 · 30/10/2022 09:34

I don’t like this thread. None of you really know exactly what the relationships you’ve described are like. “Helicoptering” to you might look like “being involved and interested” to others. Children and teens need some independence but also really need their parents. It’s the “I often have no idea where my teen is!” parents that I worry about much more.

ElizabethBest · 30/10/2022 09:35

A relative is like this. At 22, her DS has never had a relationship, or a job, and still asks his mum if he can get a drink or go out etc. it’s really stunted his development.

TheMorigoul · 30/10/2022 09:36

My dd is almost 17 and she has one or two friends with helicopter parents. I end up listening to them make up elaborate stories so that they get to go out. I'm quite sure that some of the times her friends parents think they are at my house, when actually they're at a house party being normal college age teenagers.

I swing too far the other way if I'm honest. Luckily my dc both have good heads on their shoulders and I know where they are if they go out.

Sparklingbrook · 30/10/2022 09:36

user55875537986543 · 30/10/2022 09:34

I don’t like this thread. None of you really know exactly what the relationships you’ve described are like. “Helicoptering” to you might look like “being involved and interested” to others. Children and teens need some independence but also really need their parents. It’s the “I often have no idea where my teen is!” parents that I worry about much more.

Most people know what ‘helicoptering’ means in the context of this thread.
Older teens are adults who need to find their own way.
There were plenty of times I had no idea where my teens were. 🤷‍♀️

starrynight21 · 30/10/2022 09:42

Yes, a work friend is like that. When I didn't know her well, I'd hear her talking about her kids and assumed that they were about primary school age . She was always talking about how she worried about their safety when she wasn't around, cooked their special meals for them, took them to all their activities and waited until they finished before taking them home again. She thought they would drown if she didn't go in the water with them when they were swimming. I later found out that they are actually 19 and 17 ! I've met them and they are very nice young men, and they obviously love their mum , so it hasn't done them any harm !

user55875537986543 · 30/10/2022 09:51

@Sparklingbrook yeah, I take your point. But I know people with 13-16 year olds who haven’t got a clue where there children are and who their friends are. That’s not really ok. My children are not yet teens but I want to keep communication as open as possible when they’re older. I know it’s possible. I really enjoy spending time with friends teens sometimes and really like that they’re not shooed away and have formed a friendship with their parents as they’ve got older (obvs not perfect, all v much personality dependent etc and teens do need independence too.)

Im mid pancake making so not most eloquent but I just bristled at the posters being unkind and a bit sneery about their friends.

Morph22010 · 30/10/2022 09:51

ElizabethBest · 30/10/2022 09:35

A relative is like this. At 22, her DS has never had a relationship, or a job, and still asks his mum if he can get a drink or go out etc. it’s really stunted his development.

Please be careful with comments like this as it can be a chicken and egg situation. I may appear like a helicopter parent and my son is not independent at all (he’s 12) but he has asd so it’s the stunted development socially and emotionally thst causes me to the be helicopter parent not the other way round

Livetoplay · 30/10/2022 09:55

Looking after a child with special needs is. Or helicopter parenting. My DSIL just likes to control her son and everyone else and this has made him odd, with few friends, no girlfriend or boyfriend, and little independence.
hes 19 and at Uni now so we’re all praying for a massive rebellion…

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2022 09:56

My ds treats me like a helicopter parent. Grin

I'm not one and allow him freedom.

But he chooses not to go out. He tells me his plans and tells me things such as when they drive to a McDonald's during college lunch break (he's doing an HND at college).

He asks permission for stuff.

He can't travel alone (anxiety) and doesn't drive (has a provisional but chooses not to learn as again - anxiety) and so I take him to his sport daily (he's national level)

I'm sure some people judge. But as ds is disabled (neuro degenerative condition and also autistic) I learnt over a decade ago to give not 1 flying fuck what anyone else thinks.

And I'd ds decided - as an adult that he is - to go out somewhere and not tell me where I'd accept it.

ElizabethBest · 30/10/2022 09:56

@Morph22010 my own son has ASC, so I am aware of how it can present, and this is a relative. There is no SEN, she is just monumentally controlling.

Benjispruce4 · 30/10/2022 09:58

Obviously the OP is not referring to DC who have SEN.

MNchickens · 30/10/2022 09:58

Nope

I made sure to filter those nutters out early, could never sit with a straight face for lord knows how many years watching that shit

Laiste · 30/10/2022 09:59

My relationship with my own mother was disfunctional and once i got to the age of 14 she knew nothing about me and my activities because i kept it all secret and kept her at arms length. Left home at 17.

3 of my 4 DCs are young adults now (all DDs). My greatest wish was for our relationship to be the opposite of what mine was like with my own mother. I have always parented without imposing my views and values or 'helicoptering' them at all and holding on too tight. I've always told them they are free to be who and what they want to be and go where they want - just be careful and look out for each other and call me if they need me.

The result is that we are all very close, they're all still here (2 left but came back) and i get told more info. than i care to know half the time! We all know everything about each other but they equally all know they can move away/withdraw any time anywhere without any guilt trip from me. Just love and support.

user55875537986543 · 30/10/2022 10:00

@Benjispruce4 I think quite often people have no idea why a parent is more attentive and present than they might otherwise be.

I work with families who have all sorts of reasons for giving extra support and keeping a closer than normal eye on their teens. It’s not as straightforward as SEN/ no SEN

ElegantlyTouched · 30/10/2022 10:02

My mother was like that. Got out clothes for me to wear each day into my teens, walked me to the bus stop each day til a similar age, and dictated RE essays to me (her uni subject but one I had no interest in) until I could drop the subject. When I visited from uni, and later, I was strongly encouraged to meet up with friends she approved of and not with others (not dubious characters, just people she'd fallen out with. And I was not allowed a Sunday job during my last summer holiday as I 'had' to go to church.

It was driven by enmeshment and worrying what others thought of her. I knew no different and was too scared of upsetting her to break free at that age, but it's part of the reason I have very little to do with her now. I have very low self esteem and don't trust others and really don't want the same for my dd.

On the other hand friends of my mother were similar (which she criticised them for, amusingly) and he's turned out to be very successful and very full of himself. So it just depends.

Girlsontour · 30/10/2022 10:04

We aren’t helicopter parents, but are pretty laid back. Our kids haven’t been rebellious but are out there enjoying themselves, studying and working. Our dds are 22 & 19 and our son is 16. So I guess there’s still an opportunity for him to go off the rails in the next couple of years! So won’t count my chickens yet...

Sparklingbrook · 30/10/2022 10:08

user55875537986543 · 30/10/2022 10:00

@Benjispruce4 I think quite often people have no idea why a parent is more attentive and present than they might otherwise be.

I work with families who have all sorts of reasons for giving extra support and keeping a closer than normal eye on their teens. It’s not as straightforward as SEN/ no SEN

The OP asks if we know ‘a friend’ who is a helicopter parent. With friends you would know if there were any reasons why those parents would need to be more attentive.