Has anyone else got a friend who’s a helicopter parent even though their dc are older teens?

[Enidanddelilah]

I’ve got a friend who is completely obsessed with her dc and still micro manages every aspect of their life from boys and friends to school work. It’s all she talks about as well in a bragging, superior way. Her eldest is 17 and still does everything they are told, no rebellion at all. Anyone else know anyone like this? How did their dc turn out?

A couple of stories, one really tragic and one just worthy of an eye-roll:

1. Parent I knew of (NOT a friend - too bonkers) throughout my daughter's school life. Very, very wealthy with one child. The girl was pleasant and hard-working, but not excellent academically and very quiet and bland (don't mean to be unkind - but it's shorthand for a lot of detail). She had everything money could buy, and openly admitted that mum helped with homework as a matter of course. Mum wanted her to go to Oxford but the school wouldn't support the application. Mum insisted and the girl applied, only to have the most traumatic and gruelling interview at Oxford which affected her very badly. She wouldn't emerge from her room for over a week and was really knocked back by the experience. I think her parents had managed to buy everything for her until that point, and came up against the buffers when they found that they couldn't get her into Oxford.
2. Girl left school at 16 and went into a job. She was late every day for the first week with no particular excuse. The boss called her in on Friday and reprimanded here. Mother phoned up the firm, furious that someone had made her cry.

I had a colleague a bit like this before. It was kind of odd because for ages I assumed she had children that were primary aged like mine. She’d talk about how busy she always was with the kids, how she had to do x y and z for them, including having hectic mornings getting them ready and out and how she never got a break. And I always sympathised because mine were like 4 and 6 at the time. And then one day it transpired that these kids were 15 and 18. I wasn’t that close with her so didn’t say much about it but I was a bit taken aback by the whole thing. Not sure if that’s helicopter parenting as such. But once I’d become of aware of the situation it did come across like she was keen to hold on to that feeling of being needed, I’m not sure it was a control thing.

I am conflicted about this, showing interest, being there for your teens and caring for them/parenting is not a bad thing. In my experience they need guidance and affection. Choosing clothes and wanting to be with them 247 with no freedom to see friends and have fun? Well thats just very weird, and I don't know anyone like that!

Of the parents I know taking time to look after their teens the dc do seem well adjusted and happy. I only had one true helicopter friend and her dd's hormones sorted it out around 15 😂and the mother gave up in the end!

I know someone who is very, very involved in her older sons lives. That's fair enough if they are happy with that but she never stops talking about them and what they are doing and if we are discussing anything, current affairs for instance, she tells me what her son's opinions would be. It's really boring, I'm not interested in her sons.

My son once had a girlfriend who had helicopter parents
she couldn’t go out apart from work
she wasn’t allowed to use her own car without permission
they had a tracker on her phone-they read every single text,would stalk her if she went out-read every single Facebook message-the lot
she wasn’t allowed a house key-or to move out
shed be allowed to stay over at my sons flat but if mummy said she had to go home,she had to go home
the mother told her what to wear and how to do her hair and make up-everyday
they chose every single subject she did at college
they chose her friends
took all her wages as ‘rent’
you name it-her parents had a finger in it

i live over 100 miles away and my son mentioned he’d like to come to ours with her
all fine-they where very welcome

her mother!jesus Christ was a nightmare
endless phone calls
she wanted our address
she wanted to see every room in my house via zoom to make sure we didn’t live in a drugs den
she wanted the details of both mine and dps jobs-and income (she demanded our payslips!)
she wanted to know what we had planned for everyday they where here-food-activities,times we got up/went to bed-nothing was off limits

this went on and on-and an hour before they where due to set off,the mother banned the girlfriend from coming as our house wasn’t good enough

they did talk her into allowing her to go-but the minute they got here,the phone calls started-every single hour

we went for a drink-I had the mother phoning me to scream at me for forcing her dd to get pissed

we went shopping-cue a call to tell me not to let her spend her own money

we went for a walk-I got shouted at for walking a dangerous route-it wasn’t-it was perfectly safe-and the mother had never been to our town so wouldn’t know anyway

etc etc

they went home at the end of the week-and the mother decided that they couldn’t be together anymore-and told girlfriend that she had to break up with my son,as my son had been hitting her (not true)
the girlfriend did break up with him (just before lockdown) and refused to say he’d been hitting her-so the mother just put it about that he had-he almost lost his job

ive never seen anything like it-im of the ‘live your life the way you want to-I’m here for you but I’m not living your life for you’

(oh and both of them where 22 at the time)

That's not helicopter parenting. That's abuse and coercive control. Poor girl.

I did tell her this-and if she wanted I’d get her the help and support she needed
she agreed-then as soon as they got back,I was told to fuck off and stop being a control freak

she knows my door is open but so far-nothing

I think the term Helicopter parent means different things to different people. However slack you are, someone two levels less slack than you seems like a helicopter parent. It's a term used by some people to justify their own parental laziness. Having said that, I was chatting with a mum the other day that was standing on the corner of the street to wait for their14 yr old daughter to get off the bus ( there were eight girls in the group together) because they had never crossed the main road alone before.

...(posted too early). That seemed a little OTT to me.

Gosh...an ex friend....awful woman...micro managed absolutely everything...her son is about 25...still tells him how many fish fingers to eat etc....what to wear...where to go....the son is as a result, a giant baby, cant do anything for himself...and sits meekly in the lounge...asks to go to toilet etc....i ditched her years ago....controlled everything...super neurotic and controlling....dreadful....hope never to bump into her again....!!

I have a friend who bought her kids double beds so she could sleep with them, I thought it was very helicopter parenting when they were in primary school but she's still doing it now and they are 20M and 17F.

I have a friend whose 3 dc are helicoptered, they are all early to late teens now

they literally cannot move without their mums say so, even asking permission to open their bedroom windows, in bed by 8 and the older one by 9, very limited access to their phones, their meals are all mapped out, the mum even joined their local sports team as an assistant so she could keep an eye on them. Very little privacy with re to their friendships etc. they are all lovely kids but the middle one is stating to show signs of frustration now.

I know why my friend is like this, she had a really unstable upbringing with little control over her life.

it’s sad really

In a few cases people have mentioned here, you don't know the young person well enough to be sure they don't need extra help. Some teens and young adults have anxiety or other mental health issues and do need a lot of involvement from their parents.

My teen does. She has a mild learning disability. Someone who only knew her slightly wouldn't realise how immature and vulnerable she is, and would be shocked at how closely involved I am with her. I don't tell her what to do, but I do take a very keen interest in what she's doing, especially watching out for any sign of her being manipulated or groomed. She hates to upset people and always thinks things are her fault which clearly aren't, and she never sticks up for herself. I am usually with her - at a distance anyway - and when I'm not, she's with someone else I trust. I know who all her friends are and I make sure to observe their interactions occasionally to see how they treat her. I might be pushy if I really thought she was making a big mistake.

I do absolutely agree that helicopter parenting of an average child does them no favours, and my older child had a huge amount of freedom, more than most kids get. Just bear in mind that young people have different needs.

I think that for some parents the natural instinct to protect and care for your baby morphs into something obsessive and potentially destructive. I know of parents who would hire a holiday cottage in close vicinity to wherever their child was at PGA, scout camp etc. When they went away to university their parents moved to the same city. When they got their first job, their parents again moved to the same city. They speak on the phone twice a day, every day, without fail. Nothing takes precedence over these phone calls.

To be fair, the parents really don't have a happy marriage and I think the mother treats her son as a pseudo husband. She always gets dressed up and goes to extra efforts with her hair/make up when she's meeting her son. Her son is over thirty, but she still holidays with him every year, no one else is privy to where they go or what they do as this is their 'special, private time.' Somehow, the natural instincts in her brain have become muddled up. It's quite sad to witness.