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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a fair arrangement?

54 replies

Totalk · 30/10/2022 01:50

Hi, looking for some advise please.

School car pooler A and B
B lives very slightly closer to school then A and expects A to drop DD at B’s every morning (35 mins round journey for A)
B then drops to school

A picks up from school and drops at B and back home.

A drops DD at B’s every morning. Pick up 4 days from School, drop at B then home.

B drop to school everyday ( from B’s ) and pick up from school and drop at A only on Friday

Is this a fair arrangement or Is A spending more time and money on journey?

OP posts:

butterflyflutterby123 · 30/10/2022 01:55

Unfair on a. Depending on location, do a straight split in the middle, b should do a round trip to collect and/drop off a's kids

InternetRandom · 30/10/2022 01:55

I'm trying to follow this. What prevents
A from just dropping off at the school?

Nevertouchakoala · 30/10/2022 01:58

Really hard to follow with a and b…just use pronouns please

Singlebutmarried · 30/10/2022 01:04

Yeah I’m confused.

you drive to other parents to drop your child off so your child can get to school every day

you then do pick up 4 days a week and drop other child home on way?

on a Friday other parent returns your child?

if it’s the only way your child can get to school on time then the amount of time spent in the car is moot surely?

steff13 · 30/10/2022 01:25

How much longer would it take for A just to drive her kid all the way to school?

Klarwen · 30/10/2022 01:27

B lives only very slightly closer to school than A, yet for A to drive to B's is a 35 min round trip? How does that work? How long are the 3 separate journeys? I would like to ask for a diagram but in this case it might take a spreadsheet to follow it all!

Ultimately car pooling only works if both parties feel they are benefitting. If you can't negotiate something that works for you both, then don't do it.

melj1213 · 30/10/2022 01:35

B lives very slightly closer to school then A and expects A to drop DD at B’s every morning (35 mins round journey for A)

Both of these things cannot be true ... and if they are then why on earth would A do a carpool that is essentially the same amount of time as the actual school run, as I would not see 15+ mins one way as "slightly closer to school" unless school was 90 + mins drive away?

Klarwen · 30/10/2022 01:44

Also yes, of course you (as A) are spending more time and money on the journey, but you need to look at what suits everyone. Does B need you as much as you need her? Would she rather do her own pickups than either loop via your house every morning, or pick her own DD up from yours every evening? If so, there's nothing in it for her unless you do more of the driving. Is she the right person to be carsharing with? I'm thinking maybe you live in quite different directions from the school.

TeenDivided · 30/10/2022 05:57

I am wondering why they are carpooling at all.
How long does it take to get to school from B? Or from A if going direct?
Are they in a straightline or more of a triangle?
If it is 35mins round trip just to get to a carpool point, maybe A should switch to a closer school?

UnicornMumcraft · 30/10/2022 06:06

A is travelling, and so presumably spending, more, but that sounds fair as A lives further away from the school. A 35 minute round trip to drop at AB’s doesn’t sound like they’re only a little bit closer, how much longer would it take A to drop straight at school/does it take for B to travel there?

Blablablaaaaa · 30/10/2022 06:07

So badly written or maybe it’s my understanding that is lacking!?

Teeturtle · 30/10/2022 06:43

Your post is badly written, full sentences would help and no need for the A and B stuff. Anyway, I don’t think B should have to do the extra 35 minutes to drop off or pick up child of A, so as somebody has to do it then I guess that needs to be A. But it does make the whole car pooling really pretty pointless and would suggest that A and B live too far away from each other for it to make sense at all.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/10/2022 06:59

YABU simply for not reading your op before posting, it makes no sense to anyone who isnt a or b.

SpookyPanda · 30/10/2022 07:09

I'm guessing you are A?

But I can't make head nor tail of it sorry

SpookyPanda · 30/10/2022 07:11

And the thing with this sort of thing is that sometimes it isn't "fair" but it's the only way the parents can make it work around their work schedule so it's just accepted that it might not be 50/50.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/10/2022 07:11

I don't really understand but I was in the position where id always have to drop my child to the persons house I carpooled my child with and drop their child home/pick them up from home. I stopped it in the end, it wasn't doing me favours. I'd say can you pick my child up please or start picking yours up from mine.

autienotnaughty · 30/10/2022 07:12

So A wants B to pick A 's child up . Presumably that would take approx 35min extra? I personally would not do that unless I really needed the return help. A can ask but if it's a no A can continue as they are or make their own arrangements.

Mirrorcell · 30/10/2022 07:16

are a, b and the school in different directions? Maybe a triangular formation on a map?

Or a line on the map (school, 10 mins drive to B, then a 35 minute drive to A).

CaptainMerica · 30/10/2022 07:19

A spends longer driving, but they live further away from the school, so of course they do. That's not B's responsibility to somehow make "fair".

Unless A and B are co-parents, the child lives with A, and B picked the school - then it is unfair on A. Otherwise no, not unfair.

bluebird3 · 30/10/2022 07:30

Im not following the op either but all that matters in a car share situation is whether it's more beneficial than just taking your kid to and from school yourself.

If it's taking a 35 min round trip to drop in the morning, how much longer would it take to just take the child to school? If you are dropping them in the morning then does that allow you to get to work earlier? That's the only potential benefit I can see here.

DearOohDear · 30/10/2022 07:37

If I was B I wouldn't be travelling 35 minutes in the wrong direction to pick As chikd up

luxxlisbon · 30/10/2022 07:37

Doesn’t it cost A money because she lives further though?

It doesn’t make any sense for B to regularly drive more just so A can drive less when they are the one who lives further.

MichelleScarn · 30/10/2022 07:40

We need a map, I'm also confused! Does a need to pass b anyway?

Overthebow · 30/10/2022 07:41

How is a 35 min round trip very slightly closer to school? How far away is the school?

rosiebl · 30/10/2022 07:45

So:

You drop your DD at friends Monday - Friday. She takes to school from hers.

You pick up Monday - Thursday and drop friends DD at home on your way home.

On a Friday friend brings your DD all the way home.

Sounds like you are driving slightly more because you are making 9 trips. Your friend is making 6 trips. But realistically, does it help you? If the inconvenience of coming out to drop DD at friends everyday doesn't help you, cancel the arrangement and just do your own school runs.

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