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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THE OP'S QUESTIONS-We will leave this thread up to allow posters to offer their condolences if they wish

338 replies

debbiedesperado · 29/10/2022 23:38

My mum is 80 and has chronic COPD. She has had no quality of life for the past 18 months and has been in and out of hospital frequently. Yesterday she was in a lot of pain in her leg, it was totally paper white when I looked and she couldn't move her toes or feel her leg. Up to a and e we went.

She has a blood clot in her leg. They said for a healthy person they would operate straight away however she wouldn't survive the operation. They put her on morphine, antibiotics and a drug to try and dissolve the clot.

The doctor and surgeon this morning said that nothing is working and at this stage they would want to amputate the leg but she won't survive the surgery so basically there is nothing they can do.

My mum knows what is going on and is quite calm about it although she is still in some pain and hasn't eaten. Palliative care is starting tomorrow.

I feel really overwhelmed and numb, her leg is turning black. What can I expect from here? It seems they are just waiting for sepsis to set in and this sounds like an extremely painful death.

What should I expect from here? Does anyone know a timeline that I can expect deterioration? I am trying to prepare myself but also thinking surely there must be SOMETHING they can do? It doesn't seem right to just let her lie there with a black leg and let sepsis set in.

OP posts:
icecreamcrackers · 30/10/2022 17:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

reallyworriedjobhunter · 30/10/2022 18:04

Sorry for your loss. You sound like a lovely daughter and a great credit to her Flowers

TheClogLady · 30/10/2022 18:05

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

OPs mum passed away peacefully this morning.

icecreamcrackers · 30/10/2022 18:09

That's so sad, sorry for your loss Op I've asked for my other comment to be removed.

Lincslady53 · 30/10/2022 18:09

My MIL died 10 days ago. We found the info on Mcmillans website really helpful in preparing us for what to expect. www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/coping-with-bereavement/if-the-person-you-care-for-is-dying

MIL died in our home, but the support we got from the local hospice home team, the local carers, social services and the local district nurse was first class.

We had powerful drugs given to us to ease some possible issues, but we didn't need to use any in the end.

All I can suggest is to try to keep calm and take all the help offered. We tried to keep positive round her, as the last thing she would have wanted was to have been surrounded by sad, weeping and wailing relations- there is plenty of time for that after.

Be strong, and give your mum your love.

been and done it. · 30/10/2022 18:28

BlodynGwyn · 30/10/2022 00:48

I had my ankle totally replaced and didn't have general anesthesia for it. I stayed awake most of the time. I had some sort of epidural and a nerve block in my leg. It was much better than GA. Ask for this.

The OPs mum is 80 years old and in desperate health and by the sounds of it ready to go..as has been said palliative care will be given to keep her pain free.

Ludo19 · 30/10/2022 18:38

I'm really sorry for your loss OP. I'm glad it was peaceful for her. 💐 xx

sunnydayhereandnow · 30/10/2022 18:38

So sorry for your loss, and wishing you strength for the hard days ahead.

MyOnlyDays · 30/10/2022 18:38

💐 sorry to hear about your Mum. I hope you all feel a lot of comfort from the fact that it was peaceful and that you were with her.

I mentioned it earlier in the thread but when my Dad died, earlier this year, we were struck by how helpful and easy it was dealing with all the admin. The tell-us-once service worked well for us. Everyone was so helpful and kind. It was even easy to get back the balance he had with a couple of the big betting companies. I had assumed everything would be tricky. I know not every family wants to think about the admin too soon but we cracked on with it quickly. It gave us something to do and it made us feel more relaxed once we had started.

dandelionthistle · 30/10/2022 18:56

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

A peaceful quick death with her family around her sounds like it was the death your mother wanted (probably the death many of us would choose) - I'm glad that's the way things panned out.

Ihatecocomelon · 30/10/2022 18:57

So sorry 😞

SoupDragon · 30/10/2022 19:04

Sorry for your loss. At least it was peaceful and painless in the end 💐

Butteredtoast55 · 30/10/2022 19:04

So sorry for your loss, @debbiedesperado but glad your Mum's death was peaceful and blessed by having people she loved with her.

Floralnomad · 30/10/2022 19:06

Sorry for your loss 💐

Whoopy · 30/10/2022 19:07

@debbiedesperado Sorry to hear of your mum’s death, but it was a blessing that she wasn’t in pain, and went peacefully with her family around her. 💐

Augend23 · 30/10/2022 19:18

Sorry for your loss OP, I'm sorry you didn't have much time with her but glad for her and for you that it was peaceful.

Worriedddd · 30/10/2022 19:19

debbiedesperado · 30/10/2022 15:06

Unfortunately mum died at 11.02 this morning, surrounded by her family, it was very quick but very, very peaceful. She was in no pain. Thank you for all the kind messages.

I'm so sorry OP, your mum is at peace now and I'm so glad she had a peaceful passing xxx

been and done it. · 30/10/2022 19:22

NoBackchatHere · 30/10/2022 00:50

The NHS is at breaking point and my experience is that the elderly are being failed at every turn. This feels wrong to me and another cost-saving exercise. Write to your MP and document what you’ve said here.

No offence but you're talking out of your arse

Theopossumwasmeantforme · 30/10/2022 19:25

Sorry for your loss Flowers

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 30/10/2022 19:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad it was peaceful and she was surrounded with people who love her. I hope that you are able to rest and take comfort from your family.

funnelfanjo · 30/10/2022 19:30

Sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing.

TheNoodlesIncident · 30/10/2022 19:32

I'm so sorry OP but so glad you could all be there with her, take care of yourself now Flowers

Nursemumma92 · 30/10/2022 19:35

So sorry to hear this news but so glad it was peaceful for her. Take care ❤️

Frazzled2207 · 30/10/2022 19:37

Very sorry for your loss. I am pleased the end was quick and peaceful for you all.

SpookyPanda · 30/10/2022 19:38

I'm so sorry OP

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