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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THE OP'S QUESTIONS-We will leave this thread up to allow posters to offer their condolences if they wish

338 replies

debbiedesperado · 29/10/2022 23:38

My mum is 80 and has chronic COPD. She has had no quality of life for the past 18 months and has been in and out of hospital frequently. Yesterday she was in a lot of pain in her leg, it was totally paper white when I looked and she couldn't move her toes or feel her leg. Up to a and e we went.

She has a blood clot in her leg. They said for a healthy person they would operate straight away however she wouldn't survive the operation. They put her on morphine, antibiotics and a drug to try and dissolve the clot.

The doctor and surgeon this morning said that nothing is working and at this stage they would want to amputate the leg but she won't survive the surgery so basically there is nothing they can do.

My mum knows what is going on and is quite calm about it although she is still in some pain and hasn't eaten. Palliative care is starting tomorrow.

I feel really overwhelmed and numb, her leg is turning black. What can I expect from here? It seems they are just waiting for sepsis to set in and this sounds like an extremely painful death.

What should I expect from here? Does anyone know a timeline that I can expect deterioration? I am trying to prepare myself but also thinking surely there must be SOMETHING they can do? It doesn't seem right to just let her lie there with a black leg and let sepsis set in.

OP posts:
Clymene · 30/10/2022 15:11

Oh I am so very sorry @debbiedesperado. It's such a difficult thing to go through. I do hope you can take comfort in the knowledge that it was peaceful and painless. It has really helped me over the past few weeks.

Flowers
Musicaltheatremum · 30/10/2022 15:12

@KatieBell12 yes there are different clots. One is in the veins and the other in the arteries. OPs mum has one in her artery so it has cut off the blood supply to her leg. It carries a high mortality rate in a fit person if not dealt with quickly. (By removal of clot or amputation if to late for this) See excellent post from vascular surgeon earlier. This explains the situation very clearly and sensitively.

TheTamingOfTheresa · 30/10/2022 15:13

Condolences x

SeaGlassShining · 30/10/2022 15:16

So sorry for your loss OP 💐

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 30/10/2022 15:18

Sorry for your loss OP, I'm glad you had a chance to say goodbye Flowers

LuckyLil · 30/10/2022 15:23

💐xx

LunaBlueSkies · 30/10/2022 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Buteverythingsfine · 30/10/2022 15:31

Sorry for your loss, OP, glad you were there and she was surrounded by family.

BaffledShopper · 30/10/2022 15:33

@debbiedesperado Bless her — I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad she had a peaceful and dignified ending with her family by her side.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/10/2022 15:34

i am sorry for your loss but relieved it was peaceful Flowers

oakleaffy · 30/10/2022 15:54

@debbiedesperado
Bless your lovely Mum
So glad she didn’t suffer unduly.
Sorry for your loss 🌼🌸🌺

BrokenWing · 30/10/2022 15:57

Sorry for your loss OP 💐

PritiPatelsMaker · 30/10/2022 15:58

I'm so glad that she was surrounded by loved ones and that she was pain free. It sounds as though she had the death she wanted and that's a very positive thing.

So sorry for your loss though Flowers

WisherWood · 30/10/2022 16:02

Sorry for your loss OP. I hope in the coming months it's some comfort to know that it was peaceful and she was with her loved ones.

FlossMeg · 30/10/2022 16:26

Ive been thinking about you a lot today @debbiedesperado Im so sorry for your loss.

GingerScallop · 30/10/2022 16:26

debbiedesperado · 30/10/2022 15:06

Unfortunately mum died at 11.02 this morning, surrounded by her family, it was very quick but very, very peaceful. She was in no pain. Thank you for all the kind messages.

So sorry for your loss.
As others have said, I hope the fact that she wasn't in pain, was surrounded by loved ones and knew she was loved, will comfort you in the days and years to come.

EwwSprouts · 30/10/2022 16:27

So sorry for your loss. No doubt she will have found comfort in having family there.

hesbeingabitofadick · 30/10/2022 16:33

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/10/2022 16:36

Many condolences to you and your family, @debbiedesperado. Flowers

anyolddinosaur · 30/10/2022 16:38

I am sorry for your loss. Please take comfort from your mother having a gentle death with her family present. Although this is hard for you it doesnt compare with the distress you would have experienced watching your mother die slowly and painfully if more intervention had been attempted.

Lougle · 30/10/2022 17:35

@debbiedesperado I'm so glad you were able to be there.

Lougle · 30/10/2022 17:38

For anyone else who is near to this situation, I have worked in various departments including ITU over the years. I have never once heard a discussion about a treatment plan based on 'resources'. It has always been about the patient and their best interests. Sometimes the kindest treatment is no treatment, with symptom relief only.

SockQueen · 30/10/2022 17:50

debbiedesperado · 30/10/2022 15:06

Unfortunately mum died at 11.02 this morning, surrounded by her family, it was very quick but very, very peaceful. She was in no pain. Thank you for all the kind messages.

I am so very sorry for your loss @debbiedesperado . I am glad you were able to be with her and it was peaceful. Flowers

NameChangeForARaisin · 30/10/2022 17:54

Sorry for your loss OP. Xx

Blossomtoes · 30/10/2022 17:54

So very sorry @debbiedesperado. My thoughts are with you. Losing your mum is one of the hardest things life throws at you. 💐