Odd friendship since loss - who is BU?

[Mumtobe2305]

I have a dilemma at the moment and I cannot tell if I’m over reacting or if my friend is just being a bit crappy

Myself and best friend, both 30 fell pregnant in January this year. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended towards the end of the first trimester. It has been honestly the worst and hardest time, full of scans, bleeding, tests, failed miscarriage management and two haemorrhages.
I did distance myself from my best friend for a while, but continued to communicate with her by letting her know how I was feeling, why I needed space etc

I always ask her how her baby is doing, but realised she never asked me how I was doing or mentioned my loss. It was like she has avoided asking how I am since the loss because she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I kept excusing her avoidance as maybe she feels guilty for some reason that I lost my pregnancy, or maybe she doesn’t want to talk about loss during pregnancy. The thing is, she hasn’t reached out even on my due date and ignored my text the other day about feeling a conflict of emotions about my loss due date and being pregnant again (currently 14 weeks). I chose not to go to her baby shower because it was the week before due date. Her husband then sent me a text 2 days before my due date (they know I was having a hard time) to say that my friend is struggling with being overdue but they are so excited to meet their healthy baby soon. I found the message really insensitive and I did reply saying I hope she is okay (her feelings are valid! I imagine being 9 months and uncomfortable is hard and of course she can complain, just maybe not to me 2 days before my loss due date) but I did also say I was finding it hard and was admittedly jealous as I wish I was meeting my baby soon.

We announced our pregnancy online the other day, and she didn’t comment, like, or acknowledge.

I keep wondering if maybe she feels a bit of resentment that I wasn’t at her baby shower or haven’t gushed over her pregnancy, but my loss has knocked me for six and still affects me. Just because I’m pregnant again doesn’t erase my loss baby.

So who is BU. Because I’m so upset about it I am really wondering if I want her as a friend as I feel like the hardest time of my life was brushed under the carpet. Honest opinions, if you think maybe I’m BU please say why

You wanted space. She gave it to you.

I think you're being a little selfish.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage 2 months before a close friend of ours gave birth. They named their daughter, the name we had chosen. It was upsetting, but I got over it.

I think you need to let this go and accept that what has happened was really crap, but can't be changed.

In all honesty OP, I don't think anyone really understands how a miscarriage makes you feel until they go through it themselves. I was late 30's had no plans whatsoever for any more children, and actively didn't want any more. Then I discovered that I was pregnant. At the same time, I found out that I had a severe kidney infection and lost the baby. I felt like a total hypocrite because I really hadn't wanted a baby, had even considered termination in the few hours that I had between finding out I was pregnant, and losing it, and yet as soon as I knew that I had no choice in the matter, I was desperately sad to have my baby. It took me ages to get to grips with that, so knowing how much you wanted a baby, to lose one under those circumstances must be absolutely devastating. I think I would perhaps try and put it down to her not understanding what it feels like, rather than anything else, even though her attitude and that of her partner, have been very unfeeling.

Good luck with this pregnancy, I hope all goes well for you.

@rhowton thank you for your reply. I did ask her for space and she did give it to me. I should of said we have met up a few times since, where she talks about her daughter but never asks me how I’m doing. Do you mind telling me why I am being a bit selfish as I just want to know peoples honest point of view

Sorry for your loss too, and that must of been so so hard when your friend used the same name you wanted xx

@Stopthebusplease I am really sorry for your loss. I think you are probably right that unless you have experienced a loss, you will not know what it is like. I guess she is not in my shoes and I am not in hers and maybe we both have valid reasons.

I am wondering if I will just have to accept the change in our friendship and take it as “it sucks but it’s life”

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you’re both just doing things in life that make it very difficult for you to be genuine friends with each other. You are expecting a lot from your friend.

I think it’s fair enough that she hasn’t mentioned your loss, you can’t hold that against her. Apart from it being something that would have been very difficult for her to talk about while pregnant or with a newborn, lots of people avoid sensitive subjects out of fear of upsetting the other person. I had people not even acknowledge the death of my husband out of awkwardness and not knowing what to say and it feels horrible, but it doesn’t come from a bad place.

I think your expecting her to be there for you, but you're not being there for her.

Pregnancy lost is hard and I'm so sorry for your loss but you do sound selfish.

It must have been very hard for you but you do come across as a little selfish. It was undoubtedly the worst time of your life but it should have been the happiest of hers. You weren’t there for her either.

@Meowsaidthecat thank you for your response on my question
Can you please let me know where I have been selfish so I can think about this side and point of view

I can understand maybe some people think I should of gone to her baby shower, but it was a week before my due date. Other than that, I always reach out to her asking how she is first.

You don't sound selfish at all to me op. I'm so sorry you lost your baby and that you've been through such an awful time.

I don't know what's going on with your friend, I understand how much it must hurt though. I think the best thing is to continue much as you and let things lie for a while- trying to identify and resolve any issues while you're both pregnant/new mums and hormonal is going to be difficult around such a sensitive topic.

I'd hazard a guess that she might be finding it hard to be a friend to you at the moment, pregnancy and child birth throw up so many new feelings. Hopefully with a bit of time and grace from you both, you'll each find your own way back to each other.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I think as she has her baby and you didn’t get to have yours (sorry for your loss) then you are projecting onto her a little bit.

I do understand why, I can understand the jealousy and the rawness of your pain

and I think it’s all mixed up in the fact she went on to have her child

you said you have told her how you feel so she may not feel the need to ask? She’s also in a very awkward position and may not know how to respond to you given her situation is what you wanted but lost

i would try to salvage the friendship

your thoughts and feelings are valid but you have misdirected your anger at her not because of what she did but because of what you feel she should have done

she’s never been in this situation before so she probably didn’t know how to handle it

was there malicious intent here? I don’t think so

Also would you still be feeling this way about her if she wasn’t pregnant and had had a baby?

poss not

Sorry for your loss OP and Congratulations on your pregnancy.

It must be hard to feel that your best friend has distanced herself and hasn't been as supportive as one would have hoped.
They are tough circumstances though, you understandably needed some space, she likely did feel guilty at her continued healthy pregnancy, didn't want to trigger you, would have felt it insensitive to talk to you openly about usual pregnancy worries and concerns.
Now her baby is here, it has likely totally consumed her, so she may still be unable to give you the focus and attention that you would wish.

As she has been your best friend, if you are able to, I would try to accept this as something that in a long period, friends have times of being closer and more distant. In future, hopefully you will become closer again. In the meantime, do you have other friends who may be able to become closer and support you now?

Because you're angry at her that she's had her baby and you've sadly loss yours.
I get it op I had stillborn triplets at 19 weeks, and I found it very hard to be around pregnant ladies.
But you can't be angry at her. She's your friend and she loves you dearly quite clearly - I would reach out and salvage the friendship.

Best wishes with your pregnancy now.

Thank you for your replies.
From the responses I get a feeling maybe I should of put my hurt aside and go to her baby shower or be more involved with her pregnancy. I guess everyone handles loss different and I just struggled to much with doing this

I think some of you are correct that I am jealous of her and maybe projecting a bit because her baby is almost here and mine miscarried.

I think that the best thing to do is stop worrying about our friendship for now and let her focus on her new baby and let me focus on my new pregnancy

I am just very sensitive and worry a lot so it has been on my mind

@Meowsaidthecat I am so sorry for your loss of triplets. My pregnancy loss was of twins at 10 weeks. I was having bleeding but my scans were showing babies were doing well, until unfortunately being told both had no heartbeats. It has been really hard and I think the truth is I probably have been jealous and at the beginning I was angry at everyone not just my friend who had a healthy pregnancy.

I am wondering maybe she can sense that, and that is why she has backed off

Maybe I have caused the friendship to become awkward without realising, but haven’t done so maliciously and it was just out of grieving rather than anything else xx

From the responses I get a feeling maybe I should of put my hurt aside and go to her baby shower or be more involved with her pregnancy

I really don't agree with this and I would never expect a friend to put their grief to one side for such things. I'm genuinely quite shocked at some of the responses you have here and really want to assure you that I feel you've done nothing wrong.

Most best friends would totally understand you stepping back from baby chat and baby related events during this time though so try not to worry about it too much.

it may have been slightly harsh announcing your pregnancy on social media without telling her first

in your shoes I would send a message

hey xxxx

these past few months have been hard for me. I have struggled with certain things and I may have mismanaged my emotions. I am truly sorry about that and I am looking forward to meeting up with you and your new baby soon.

keep it light

and remember her happiness is about her it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you

I think it is difficult for both of you in different ways and neither of you is wrong. It must have been so hard for you going through your loss, and understandable that you couldn’t face her baby shower. This might have hurt her though because she is never going to be able to fully understand the pain you have been through. She also is probably worried about upsetting you and is very focussed on her pregnancy, rather than your lost one, and therefore you are going to feel that focus on her as insensitivity towards you. I hope your second pregnancy goes well. With time you might get your friendship back on track.

I think long term friendships ebb and flow. You can pick this friendship up again when you feel ready. She maybe either didn't know what to say about you having lost your baby (people often find it hard to broach difficult situations) or else didn't fully appreciate how you felt about it, how your original due date was triggering etc.

I got upset over something quite minor. When my best friend had her children, I was going through infertility investigations and treatments. She knew all about these and was sympathetic as I told her in detail, but what hurt me was when she hid her second pregnancy from me for several months. There were good reasons, which she explained to me, but it hurt, and the fact she had had to lie about things like why she didn't want wine when we were at a restaurant, just emphasised that more.

This was years ago - we are still best friends. It's not the only time I've felt aggrieved by her or not as close, but overall we've kept it going and I've come to terms with the things that upset me (looking back, seem fairly trivial really) and she has probably had similar experiences of me.

It’s very hard to know what to say to friends who have suffered a miscarriage, particularly if you never have, because there is such a range of ways in which people react. I have one friend who was absolutely devastated by her loss and another who shrugged it off and actually said, repeatedly, that it didn’t really bother her as to her it wasn’t a baby yet at the stage she lost it.

My best friend lost a baby through a missed miscarriage a week before her wedding when she was due to be meeting my baby for the first time the next day. Obviously she cancelled meeting my baby for then, I offered not to bring DD to the wedding but she insisted. I found it so awkward, I was very, very upset for her and really wanted to help but you just don’t know whether people want to talk about it or whether it’s just rubbing salt in the wound, particularly when so much of my news was baby related. In the end we did talk about it and with her that was the right approach but I could so easily have gone the other way and not brought it up for fear of bringing up painful memories even though I just didn’t want to hurt her. I certainly wouldn’t have acknowledged the due date unless she brought it up first.

So I guess I’m saying that your friend may care very much about your loss but just not want to bring it up, particularly as she is pregnant herself. I would suggest you talk to her about it and explain how you feel - but wait a couple of months as, if she’s 9 months pregnant, she is not going to have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it properly at the moment.

@Quitelikeit Thank you
She knew about my pregnancy at 7 weeks as we FaceTimed. Actually I FaceTimed her because I said I feel like I had done something wrong (she had ignored some of my texts asking how she was) and she said she didn’t mean to and felt it was best to distance from me
I agree I should message her, maybe once she’s settled with baby as I can imagine newborn, hormones may be quite a difficult time if I messaged her now

Also I just want to say that I feel a bit like your mismanaged emotions was quite unfair, when someone is grieving the loss of a baby it is completely normal to have jealous or anxious feelings and I am not sorry for feeling that was and defiantly do not think I grieved “mismanaged”

I’m sorry for your loss.
Most people who havent had a MC don’t get it and the fact that you are pg again probably makes her think you are ok. I got pg very quickly after a Mc and the general feeling by a lot of people was that the second event cancelled out the first (it didn’t)

This is a gentle YABU

Also re the messages before your due date, kindly, no one other than you and your partner probably remembered that date. I’d not have the foggiest of my friends who had miscarriages original due dates, as awful as this sounds, once the pregnancy ends for most outside of those impacted life moves on.

You wanted space and she gave it to you, you then started getting into more contact and then got annoyed about the message from her partner.

They can’t win, and that’s fine. But you need to accept you’re putting them in an impossible position.

She might feel like she isn't sure how to ask you about it without worrying that she'll upset you by bringing it up, she might feel uncomfortable talking about it while pregnant both for you and for herself. It could also be that she's absolutely flat out and exhausted and struggling and doesn't have the headspace to support you at this time like she normally would. Maybe she's having her own anxiety over the labour and delivery and finds it difficult to talk about your loss because it frightens her. Really there's so many reasons and you might not ever know what exactly they are.

I think as other people have said you asked her for space and you withdrew from the friendship and her milestones (which is perfectly understandable) but its up to you now to let her know when you're ready to connect again. Since you're pregnant again she may also be recognising that you might be feeling extra anxious after your previous loss and doesn't want to add to that or trigger those feelings for you or she thinks you might want to focus on the joy of this pregnancy to help you manage that anxiety.

One of my friends has been struggling with this recently and I'm pregnant and it's sad because she didn't come to my baby shower etc and will ask me how I'm getting on but then not reply when I answer. And while I do understand why, it still makes me a bit sad because obviously I wanted her to be there because I care about her. We struggled a lot ttc and I know I was there and invested in my other friends pregnancies because I could separate my own sadness and anxiety from their happiness and I was determined not to let it affect my friendships when it had already affected so much. So a little part of me feels a bit like I wish she could have got to that place in herself. But we're all different and she couldn't and that's just how it is.

I would say you need to maybe look into some counselling etc for yourself if you haven't already because it's hard on the head and to be fair I think the message you sent her husband back was probably hard for them to get too. He's telling you she's struggling but trying to stay positive and you're responding to say that you're jealous because of your loss and centering yourself and your grief. (Not judging you, i get it and its natural but you can see how it may have come across). I'm not sure exactly what you want from her but I think you need to find it from a more appropriate place so that you get all the support you need for you and can hopefully connect with her on a different level because she's not able to be your sounding board right now and probable won't be immediately after baby comes either. That doesn't make her a bad friend, it makes her someone who is going through a huge life change and deserves to bask in the joy of it just as much as you do with this pregnancy. I hope all goes well for you this time OP.

Oh and I don’t think you should have “put your hurt aside” and gone to her baby shower if you weren’t ready to do so. But maybe by not going she thought you didn’t want to have baby related things shoved in your face and she would have been aware that her updates would be heavily baby related so may have withdrawn to spare you that.