Odd friendship since loss - who is BU?

[Mumtobe2305]

I have a dilemma at the moment and I cannot tell if I’m over reacting or if my friend is just being a bit crappy

Myself and best friend, both 30 fell pregnant in January this year. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended towards the end of the first trimester. It has been honestly the worst and hardest time, full of scans, bleeding, tests, failed miscarriage management and two haemorrhages.
I did distance myself from my best friend for a while, but continued to communicate with her by letting her know how I was feeling, why I needed space etc

I always ask her how her baby is doing, but realised she never asked me how I was doing or mentioned my loss. It was like she has avoided asking how I am since the loss because she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I kept excusing her avoidance as maybe she feels guilty for some reason that I lost my pregnancy, or maybe she doesn’t want to talk about loss during pregnancy. The thing is, she hasn’t reached out even on my due date and ignored my text the other day about feeling a conflict of emotions about my loss due date and being pregnant again (currently 14 weeks). I chose not to go to her baby shower because it was the week before due date. Her husband then sent me a text 2 days before my due date (they know I was having a hard time) to say that my friend is struggling with being overdue but they are so excited to meet their healthy baby soon. I found the message really insensitive and I did reply saying I hope she is okay (her feelings are valid! I imagine being 9 months and uncomfortable is hard and of course she can complain, just maybe not to me 2 days before my loss due date) but I did also say I was finding it hard and was admittedly jealous as I wish I was meeting my baby soon.

We announced our pregnancy online the other day, and she didn’t comment, like, or acknowledge.

I keep wondering if maybe she feels a bit of resentment that I wasn’t at her baby shower or haven’t gushed over her pregnancy, but my loss has knocked me for six and still affects me. Just because I’m pregnant again doesn’t erase my loss baby.

So who is BU. Because I’m so upset about it I am really wondering if I want her as a friend as I feel like the hardest time of my life was brushed under the carpet. Honest opinions, if you think maybe I’m BU please say why

@Millsbills thank you for your honest response. They knew of my due date because I told her 3 days before I got the awkward text off her husband, and her husband sees my husband every week and they spoke about it together. I totally understand not everyone will remember, I am very grateful that some of my friends did and reached out to me. It was mainly just the hurt because they knew (she ignored my text about it)

I do agree with you though that maybe she can’t win, I think I just wanted a few “are you okay” texts or something to know she’s thinking of me

YABU

I've been in a very very similar situation this year.

I went to the baby shower. I don't expect anyone to know or remember my due date or text me about it.

People don't know what to say and avoid the topic. It's sad but I try and find other outlets when I'm sad and not expect everyone to know what to say/ do. I didn't expect my pregnant friend to provide that much support after my loss given that she was anxious herself in her own pregnancy. If I needed support I went elsewhere and we avoided certain topics out of respect for eachother.

not mismanaged but you know I’m only hearing your side of the story and it doesn’t seem like she has done anything wrong

you seem to be upset with her when as a neutral looking in she has done nothing wrong

your feelings are ok but it’s how you act on them that really matters as feelings control actions

@Xenapo thank you for your response

I am glad you were able to go to the baby shower, but unfortunately I wasn’t able too. It was the week of my due date, baby loss awareness week as well so I was not in the right headspace to be around everyone playing baby games and chatting about new babies.

But I do agree with your last part and maybe I shouldn’t expect her to be one of my biggest supports whilst she is also pregnant herself. That is something these replies have made me realise

Xenapos approach is the one I would be taking

she is bang on the money however uncomfortable that may be for some

Mumtobe

perspective is everything- I’m glad you posted and I do hope that this thread has helped you in some way

Sorry for your loss.

I understand you not attending the shower and think that she should too. Did you at least send a card or gift to acknowledge her baby? I think that if I were her I would be offended if my baby wasn’t acknowledged in any form from one of my close friends, despite the difficult circumstances.

I am sorry about your loss.

She may not be mentioning your loss because you have indicated that you need space, and she thinks that means it would distress you more to have people talk to you about it. (In my case, it might indeed mean that.)

@Airdrie
Did you at least send a card or gift to acknowledge her baby? Yes I did

”I think that if I were her I would be offended if my baby wasn’t acknowledged in any form from one of my close friends, despite the difficult circumstances.” Is exactly why I’m upset that she hasn’t acknowledged my babies or my loss, despite the difficult circumstances. If you think someone is allowed to be offended, why can’t I be? Because mine died?

I think it's a bit ridiculous and unrealistic to expect anybody to remember never mind contact you on your "loss due date". It's so hard to know if the person would want to be contacted or reminded, especially by a person with a healthy pregnancy. You do sound very self absorbed, what support are you offering your friend?

I’ve been on both sides (four miscarriages, an ectopic, and a viable pregnancy when my friend has also had multiple miscarriage). It’s a difficult time, and it’s hard to know what to do for the best in terms of communication. Some people want people to acknowledge it, some don’t and would prefer not to talk about it. As you brought up your due date and said you couldn’t go to her party, she may have thought you would prefer not to talk about it, or not know what to say (it’s also awkward being pregnant when someone has a miscarriage and if you say nothing, at least you can’t put your foot in it). Honestly, I would let it go, it’s a highly emotional time for both parties, nobody is in the wrong or right here.

Her husband then sent me a text 2 days before my due date (they know I was having a hard time) to say that my friend is struggling with being overdue but they are so excited to meet their healthy baby soon. I found the message really insensitive and I did reply saying I hope she is okay (her feelings are valid! I imagine being 9 months and uncomfortable is hard and of course she can complain, just maybe not to me 2 days before my loss due date) but I did also say I was finding it hard and was admittedly jealous as I wish I was meeting my baby soon.

Your friend was having a hard time, and told you about it, and you made the response all about you. I'm not surprised she's backed off. I know you are struggling too, but it wouldn't have been that hard to just reply "Sorry to hear that, fingers crossed the baby makes their appearance soon."

I agree with a lot of the responses I am getting, maybe I shouldn’t expect support off of her at the moment giving the circumstances and I think maybe the fact she knows and understands baby loss has really affected me, she’s stayed distant. Reading perspectives have really helped me and I am grateful to hear those

But I can’t help that people have misread the part where I say I’m always reaching out to her. I’m always checking in, asking how she is. I ask her about her nursery, baby names, how babies doing, her sickness. Maybe my OP wasn’t clear on that. What I am saying is I do always check in on her, but she never checks in on me or returns the “how are you as well?” Question which is why I am upset

So sorry for your loss and that you're in this situation. I had the same situation last year. Me and two other friends were pregnant at the same time but I lost mine at 12 weeks. Our friendship wasn't the same for a while and I barely spoke to the one who was due two weeks after me. It was just too hard. Looking back now I think she also found it hard too and didn't know how to talk to me/ what to say.

It only went back to normal when I became pregnant again and now my rainbow is 10 weeks old and we all regularly meet up with our little ones. Theirs are both over 6 months though and it is always still in the back of my head that I would have had a baby the same age who could play more with theirs.

Sending big hugs to you, you're not at all selfish.

Ok, I think I see why you feel upset, but from her perspective, she might not want to ask as it will bring up emotions for you, and she may feel she’s rubbing your face in it, reminding you of your loss when she is carrying a healthy pregnancy. That’s how I felt when I went through a similar situation.

@MamaFoxToBe Thank you for your response. I think I agree with what some are trying to say but I guess it is hard to understand completely over a mumsnet post. I think I’ve always be the one that has tried to keep our friendship the same, I try and ask about her baby and when we meet up we speak about her baby but for some reason mine has just not been acknowledged by her. She has not even said sorry for your loss in person to me. However, I imagine it is a weird time for both of us and hope that once day maybe our friendship will be how it was before

But you also said you are jealous of their healthy pregnancy...

I am not going to be responding to any more posters replies from now on as getting a bit emotional now and regretting posting on AIBU

But want to thank everyone for your responses, even those that called me selfish it has helped hearing your responses as to why maybe I have been. I think the truth is that we are both on different paths and neither of us have experienced this before and she has no idea how I have felt and at the same time I have no idea how she has felt. There has been jealousy on my part which although some may not understand, it is a really common emotion after pregnancy loss and I am in misscarriage groups where a lot of woman have had the same feelings. I would not change anything about my grief journey, and everything I have felt is because I was hurting. I’ve never been a jealous friend before, so have been feeling guilty for those feelings but my counsellor said very normal.
I regret expecting too much from her, from expecting our friendship to be the same when clearly it isn’t going to be. Pregnancy is very hard, as I know myself. Maybe I should cut her some slack tor that.
I am going to give us both time and see what happens in the future.

I am currently pregnant whilst my other friend has just lost her baby, so in a way I am now also in my friends position. I am always checking in on her but I think it is because I have had a loss that I know how important checking in is but I know everyone is different and reacts different and I shouldn’t expect someone else to feel or do the same as me.

My friend means a lot to me, I’m sure I do to her too. Just unfortunate timing of things to happen and I am sure time heals xx

Also just want to add that my counsellor suggested to me telling her I was feeling jealous or if I needed space etc as it is beneficial to communicate so your friend knows how you are feeling. Now I am wondering maybe I shouldn’t of told her, perhaps it may have been best not too? But like I said this is the first time going through grief and I did what I thought was best at the time (and suggested by councellor)

I think if women haven’t suffered a loss before they struggle to understand how it feels. Especially in the first trimester, I think it can be looked at as sad but not completely devastating. This is because they haven’t experienced it themselves. I wonder if it would have even occurred to your friend that you might be feeling sensitive around your due date. Was it her first pregnancy? I’ve had a few pregnant friends who get very self absorbed through pregnancy and generally continue once the baby is here as well. This may not be the case here but you never know.

I don’t think you did anything wrong but I’m wondering if it is down to some poor communication on both your sides? You could maybe ask to meet up to clear the air but if she’s previously been a good friend I’d try and move past this. You’ve both been through life changing events and you understandably feel sensitive about your loss and she probably feels sensitive about a perceived lack of interest in her child.

Your counsellor told you to tell your friend of your jealousy?
It's a horrible horrible thing to happen (currently pf with rainbow) so have been there, and my anxiety is through roof, I really don't think that would be a positive thing to do.

I'm sorry for the loss of your babies OP. I'm pleased you're now pregnant again, but you and your DH must be having bittersweet feelings.

I hope you can get your friendship back on track in time. It sounds from your posts that you're aware that maybe you've not been seeing things from her perspective, and now have a little more clarity of why she's been the way she has with you.

That doesn't mean she couldn't have behaved differently. Perhaps she has been insensitive or thoughtless on occasion.

It's not always black and white.

I must say though that I find it strange that your counsellor suggested you tell a heavily pregnant friend that your jealous of her. That put an awful lot of emotional pressure on your friend. She probably felt this wasn't fair on her, and didn't know the best way to react given this information and the request from you for space. It's honestly not surprising she's not been in touch as much as previously or made contact on the days she knows you'd find most difficult.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy is going well. Nurture yourself and look forward to the next chapter in your life.

Your friend will be feeling protective of her own pregnancy so some thoughts are best kept to yourself.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable OP.
You're just in very different places in life right now and I hope you can find your way back to each other soon.
I am currently 30 weeks with my first child, but over the last three years I struggled with infertility and losses and it really took a toll on me. During this time five close friends got pregnant and had happy, healthy babies, and I remember being so delighted for them, but also desperately sorry for myself.
I didn't go to all the showers, but I always sent a card and gift and checked in when I could, but none of them really acknowledged my losses other than to send heart emojis when I had to let them know about yet another miscarriage. We didn't speak about it, they didn't check in, I doubt any of them could even have said when my due date was!
It did feel isolating but now that I'm so far along in pregnancy myself, I do understand how all consuming it is. And also how fragile it feels. One of those friends is now having trouble conceiving her second and although I've wished her luck, tbh I don't want to talk about it. Not right now when I feel fragile and vulnerable myself.

Try to give both of you grace, OP.

I wish you the very best of luck for your pregnancy OP. May you have a happy, healthy 9months and a perfect wee baby! Sending love to you xxxxxx

@Hana89 I wasn’t going to respond to any more replies but just wanted to say congratulations for 30 weeks pregnant after 3 years of losses and infertility ❤️
It is really nice to hear your reply as you have been on both sides
I’ve had terrible sickness and anxiety this pregnancy so I probably have gone into my own bubble myself - I imagine my friend maybe the same. Part of me has a feeling she doesn’t want to talk about loss which is why and she is fine chatting to our mutual friends.
I think it is just so hard when you feel like your world has stopped but everyone’s continues, or when something that means everything to you and is consuming your life feels like nothing by some of your friends / family.

Your response has really made me realise that neither of us are the one in the wrong and I am no longer feeling guilty for how I have been and I am no longer going to allow myself to put any blame on my friend either and just see it as one of them unfortunate things that hopefully works itself out

Thank you! This is our third pregnancy and first time making past 12 weeks, we are very anxious but I am starting to relax a bit more now! xx