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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to feed the fish?

77 replies

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:26

The other day DH was sitting on the sofa. Our newish small fish tank was on a shelving unit directly behind his head. The food for the fish was in a bowl literally just behind his right shoulder next to the fish tank..

I was sitting on another sofa across the other side of the room. I asked him politely if he'd mind turning around to feed the fish a pinch of fish food because I'd forgotten to do it earlier. He wouldn't even have to get off the sofa to do this so I thought it was a reasonable request. He said no because he said he'd mentioned to me when we bought the fish that although he was OK with us buying them, he didn't want to be involved with feeding them.

So I then get off the other sofa, walk across the lounge and literally have to lean over him to feed the fish.

I know this sounds like a really small thing but it just seemed so petty of him to say no to something that would take him less than 5 seconds to do. This sort of thing happens quite a bit in our relationship and I just find it so frustrating. It's all about him sticking to his principles and when I tell him how petty he's being he just sticks to his guns.

Is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 29/10/2022 00:27

Sounds like he didn't want from fish.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/10/2022 00:28

Why didn’t you feed the fish earlier?

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:31

Molli - he does seem to quite like the fish.

OP posts:
Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:32

I just forgot. They do get fed every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:46

He is just so black and white about things.

OP posts:
Flapjacker48 · 29/10/2022 00:51

Are they tropical fish?

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:54

No - temperate / cold water - ie no heater.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 29/10/2022 00:56

If he told you he didn’t want to be involved at all with the care of the fish and you purchased them knowing that then you’ve not got a leg to stand on really. He is being a bit petty, but it’s only a short step from ‘can you feed the fish’ to ‘I’m just off out, can you clean the tank’ to ‘why aren’t you looking after the fish?’

Flapjacker48 · 29/10/2022 01:03

If he likes the fish is really a hardship for him to put a pinch of food in the tank?

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 01:04

I understand what you're saying but no way would I expect him to clean the tank etc. We've had them for over 6 months and I've done all the maintenance etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 01:06

Flapjacker - my thought exactly!

OP posts:
ProbablyNotMad · 29/10/2022 01:27

It isn't just feeding the fish. He would have to get up to turn around, open the food container, take a pinch, feed the fish, close the food container, go to wash his hands, come back, get comfy again. It's your fish and you are right there, why should he do it?

user1471457751 · 29/10/2022 01:28

Well he would have had to get up because he would have need to wash his hand afterwards- fish food smells. So if either of you would have had to get up it should be you given you wanted the fish and he was very clear that he wouldn't be feeding them.

FacebookPhotos · 29/10/2022 02:21

Feeding the fish is your chore. I can see that he wouldn’t have been much effort for him, but it really wasn’t much effort for you either. I’d say he was being petty and you were being lazy.

When you say this happens a lot, what do you mean? If you ask him to do lots of little things I can see how it might get annoying for him and he ends up just saying no. (My sister constant asks me to do things for her and after a weekend of her company I’m usually at the end of my tether.) But if you mean he’s never willing to help you out, then it doesn’t seem like much of a partnership.

Thursa · 29/10/2022 03:06

For pity’s sake. It takes seconds, he couldn’t do that one time in 6 months?? He’s making a childish point, I’d have to find a way of making one too. But I’m like that…

NumberTheory · 29/10/2022 05:24

Maybe there’s something going on you haven’t mentioned, but from your post he sounds rigid and pedantic, lacking in generosity.

I would find that sort of attitude from someone I lived with would breed resentment over time.

LovelyDaaling · 29/10/2022 07:24

OP, do you and DH bicker a lot?

Sparklfairy · 29/10/2022 07:37

Thursa · 29/10/2022 03:06

For pity’s sake. It takes seconds, he couldn’t do that one time in 6 months?? He’s making a childish point, I’d have to find a way of making one too. But I’m like that…

Agreed. Marriages should have some give and take, not stick rigidly to "principles". If the OP started taking liberties beyond 5 seconds of my time to feed them then you have a conversation, "we agreed if we got the fish they would be your responsibility..."

You know, like adults, that aren't petty...

Arrivederla · 29/10/2022 07:43

NumberTheory · 29/10/2022 05:24

Maybe there’s something going on you haven’t mentioned, but from your post he sounds rigid and pedantic, lacking in generosity.

I would find that sort of attitude from someone I lived with would breed resentment over time.

This. It will really grind you down over time, op. 😕

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 07:45

I get what you're saying but maybe he feels the fish are nothing to do with him and are your responsibility.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 08:56

No need to open or close a container. The fish food is flakes and was in an open bowl. The fish food we use is dry and doesn't really smell or leave smell or residue on hands so I tend not to need to wash hands after feeding fish. I do wash my hands for other reasons regularly throughout the day though. So not extra effort for DH beyond 5 seconds.

OP posts:
Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

OP posts:
MzHz · 29/10/2022 09:34

Omg! He’d be propping up patio slabs if he was here!

how the actual living fuck do you put up with this petty behaviour?

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:34

I guess I come from a family where my parents are collaborative and wouldn't bat an eyelid about doing little things for each other.

OP posts:
Obki · 29/10/2022 09:35

He sounds like controlling twat with the loo stuff.

Just stop doing him any favours.

Do what he does to you.

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