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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to feed the fish?

77 replies

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:26

The other day DH was sitting on the sofa. Our newish small fish tank was on a shelving unit directly behind his head. The food for the fish was in a bowl literally just behind his right shoulder next to the fish tank..

I was sitting on another sofa across the other side of the room. I asked him politely if he'd mind turning around to feed the fish a pinch of fish food because I'd forgotten to do it earlier. He wouldn't even have to get off the sofa to do this so I thought it was a reasonable request. He said no because he said he'd mentioned to me when we bought the fish that although he was OK with us buying them, he didn't want to be involved with feeding them.

So I then get off the other sofa, walk across the lounge and literally have to lean over him to feed the fish.

I know this sounds like a really small thing but it just seemed so petty of him to say no to something that would take him less than 5 seconds to do. This sort of thing happens quite a bit in our relationship and I just find it so frustrating. It's all about him sticking to his principles and when I tell him how petty he's being he just sticks to his guns.

Is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 29/10/2022 09:38

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

Seriously?! That’s him being extremely pedantic and making a very pathetic point. Do you honestly cave into ridiculous demands like this? I’d tell him to fuck right off.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 09:39

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

Oh God he needs to fuck off.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 10:09

He is VERY boundaried about what he will and won't do. He does a lot for our family but pettiness in anyone really annoys me. I just keep questioning myself and wondering if I should just suck it up as I always challenge it when the pettiness happens and he never budges.

Things like the loo incident mentioned above just make me feel confused and annoyed!

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 10:12

What does he do for the family?

Ibouncetothebeat · 29/10/2022 10:13

YABU You discussed getting fish, he didn’t want them. He said no, you vetoed that and bought them anyway on the provision that he has nothing to do with them. I would have said no also. Your fish, your problem. If it only takes a second then there is no fuss in you doing it. You made a choice, now your changing the terms when it suits you. It’s the principle.

Kanaloa · 29/10/2022 10:14

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

That’s weirdo behaviour. Is he generally just a very petty person? The fish I’d give him the benefit of the doubt but this isn’t good.

Ibouncetothebeat · 29/10/2022 10:17

However, I do not support the toilet thing. That’s petty, you are a team when tit comes to keeping the house.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/10/2022 10:17

I ended up using feeding blocks: found they kept the water much cleaner (missing point entirely 😁)

SallyWD · 29/10/2022 10:21

I'm sorry but the only thing I took from your post was that the fish are in a small tank. That's very cruel. Please get them a large tank. How would you like to spend your life in a small box?

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 10:27

He didn't say no to buying the fish.

They are tiny fish. I took advice as to the size of the tank from Pets at Home and got the largest one in the range they recommended.

Can we not get distracted by the health and wellbeing of the fish please. They are thriving!

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 29/10/2022 10:30

I’m sorry but after you mentioned the toilet thing -I genuinely would wonder why you chose to be with someone like him.
He sounds mean and controlling

Ibouncetothebeat · 29/10/2022 10:30

Sorry, he didn’t say he didn’t want them. But he didn’t want to be involved in feeding them and you knew that when you bought them. So now you’re asking him to do the one thing he told you he didn’t want to do.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 10:31

But yes maybe feeding blocks are a good idea.

OP posts:
SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 10:36

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

How is he not fertilising the flower bed?

why do you not tell him not to be so fucking stupid?

the only people I'd accept this from are people who have autism, and then I'd be teaching them that it's better just to put them where they belong.

SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 10:40

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 10:27

He didn't say no to buying the fish.

They are tiny fish. I took advice as to the size of the tank from Pets at Home and got the largest one in the range they recommended.

Can we not get distracted by the health and wellbeing of the fish please. They are thriving!

I'm sure your fish are doing ok, but Pets At Home are CRAP please go to a proper fish place or even on line to see how many can be kept in your tank happily. My friends DH. has a large tank & is constantly taking babies to the local fish place. I have no idea what's tight or wrong, but PAH cannot be relied upon!

FloydPepper · 29/10/2022 10:42

With the loo example

if he left his cup next to the dishwasher rather than in it, and you’d shouted him to move it rather than done it yourself you’d be applauded on here…

Winterscomingagain · 29/10/2022 10:46

I think there's other things going on you may need to address. Regarding the fish, it's useful to know who feeds them. In a busy household my experience has been that either everyone or no-one feeds them. One of my goldfish must be around 20 years old now and for at least the last ten he has jumped to get fed. The lid has to be kept on tightly as he would literally jump out of the tank. The great plus is that he'll never starve as he won't allow that to happen.

deeperthanallroses · 29/10/2022 10:48

Tell me you don’t have kids. You can’t have children with someone so rigid. ‘Honey I’m running really late and tommy is at hockey could you collect him?’ No that’s your job.
’honey Miranda is vomiting and I can’t leave her to collect Tommy from school or to get bread for dinner would you be able to do that?’ No, they are your jobs.

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 10:53

I don't think I could share a house with someone so petty especially as you have DC what has this taught them about collaborative working.

The loo thing think I'd just say "I'll do when I'm ready". If he is petty enough to remove it, go to the loo then put it back that's on him. He is not your boss to order you to get up and do it their and then.

ByTheGrace · 29/10/2022 10:53

The fish business is petty. But the toilet type behaviour is awful. I'd make sure I was behaving in a similar fashion, although it's not really how I'd want to live.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 10:56

I know this may sound like an inappropriate question, for which I apologise, but what is he like in bed? I just can't picture such a petty, mean minded person being any good.

RedHelenB · 29/10/2022 11:05

Ibouncetothebeat · 29/10/2022 10:13

YABU You discussed getting fish, he didn’t want them. He said no, you vetoed that and bought them anyway on the provision that he has nothing to do with them. I would have said no also. Your fish, your problem. If it only takes a second then there is no fuss in you doing it. You made a choice, now your changing the terms when it suits you. It’s the principle.

This. Plus if he always tidies up after you how are you going to remember for the next time. I honestly think if the genders were reversed OP would nt have so much support.

PinkButtercups · 29/10/2022 11:07

It's just petty. Regardless if he said he didn't want to be involved it's a pinch of bloody fish food he was sat right by.

thelobsterquadrille · 29/10/2022 11:08

My DH can get a bit petty about feeding the cats (we have three) - and if I'm at home at feeding time, he definitely expects me to do it.

But tbh I think that's fair enough. He wouldn't have them if it wasn't for me. I buy all their food, take them to the vets, sort their medications/prescriptions where necessary, change the litter trays etc.

If I'm out, of course he feeds them and sorts their trays, but if I'm in the house then ultimately they're my responsibility.

The toilet thing is really petty and obviously this is all part of a bigger picture but I do think if you choose to get pets then you expect someone else to do the work involved, even if it's "just" feeding them.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 11:11

No, he doesn't always tidy up after me!

OP posts: