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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to feed the fish?

77 replies

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 00:26

The other day DH was sitting on the sofa. Our newish small fish tank was on a shelving unit directly behind his head. The food for the fish was in a bowl literally just behind his right shoulder next to the fish tank..

I was sitting on another sofa across the other side of the room. I asked him politely if he'd mind turning around to feed the fish a pinch of fish food because I'd forgotten to do it earlier. He wouldn't even have to get off the sofa to do this so I thought it was a reasonable request. He said no because he said he'd mentioned to me when we bought the fish that although he was OK with us buying them, he didn't want to be involved with feeding them.

So I then get off the other sofa, walk across the lounge and literally have to lean over him to feed the fish.

I know this sounds like a really small thing but it just seemed so petty of him to say no to something that would take him less than 5 seconds to do. This sort of thing happens quite a bit in our relationship and I just find it so frustrating. It's all about him sticking to his principles and when I tell him how petty he's being he just sticks to his guns.

Is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 11:13

I am an averagely tidy person. Our house isn't a mess and I do a fairly good job at keeping it presentable (I work part-time so do most of the cleaning, shopping etc).

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 29/10/2022 11:15

ProbablyNotMad · 29/10/2022 01:27

It isn't just feeding the fish. He would have to get up to turn around, open the food container, take a pinch, feed the fish, close the food container, go to wash his hands, come back, get comfy again. It's your fish and you are right there, why should he do it?

To just give a helping hand to someone he loves, at very little cost to himself, maybe? Relationships shouldn’t be about points scoring, but very often seem to be.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 11:18

It was the first time in 6 months I'd asked him to feed the fish. I (or my teen daughter) do it the rest of the time.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 29/10/2022 11:22

It is pretty but do you have form for starting things and expecting him to join in? The toilet thing...frankly he would be put in charge of the whole cleaning next time. You knew he was pretty when you married him so not sure what you are expecting now.

The flakes need to be covered as they go stale. And they do smell.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/10/2022 11:26

I voted YABU, but the loo incident is way worse - you were not just the other side of the room! I'd have refused to move them. In fact, next time I'd have put something on top of each loo in the house. What's he going to do - find a toilet outside the house till you move one for him??

Although PP's suggestion of getting him to clean the whole house next time is also good (and less petty).

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/10/2022 11:29

I would also stop going to him when he calls you. My pet peeve is people shouting at each other across the house, so I always call back, "I'm in the (insert room) if you want to talk to me." And then ignore anything else.

LindaEllen · 29/10/2022 11:46

To be honest if DP bought fish knowing I didn't want fish, I would expect him to take care of feeding them, too.

Sure, it'd only take him a few seconds to turn round and feed the fish. But how much longer would it really take for you to get off your bum and walk across the room? Unless you live in Buckingham Palace I don't see why you can't just do it.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 12:03

He doesn't mind / does want fish!

It was the first time in 6 months that I'd asked him to do this - and it was only because he was sitting right next to them!!

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 29/10/2022 12:24

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 12:03

He doesn't mind / does want fish!

It was the first time in 6 months that I'd asked him to do this - and it was only because he was sitting right next to them!!

Equally though, they're your fish and you were only on the other side of the room.

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 12:27

mmm.... I'm just of the opinion that people should do little favours for people they love. I would do the same for him if the tables were turned.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 29/10/2022 12:29

With the loo roll example, do you actually go and move it for him everytime? I would just laugh at my husband asking - it sounds like you’re not boundaried enough about the nonsense you put up with from him

Original poster
niceduvet · 29/10/2022 12:30

...otherwise the relationship can become quite transactional and tit for tatty.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 29/10/2022 12:33

Hmmmm

woman on mumsnet sticking to boundaries and expectations such as telling you when you bought the fish that shes not going to be involved in feeding the fish if you buy them - has high standards, sticks to her boundaries

man on mumsnet sticking to boundaries and expectations - selfish, petty, black and white

Brefugee · 29/10/2022 12:37

He said no because he said he'd mentioned to me when we bought the fish that although he was OK with us buying them, he didn't want to be involved with feeding them.

meh. You knew he'd be like this, so why are you acting surprised? honestly he sounds like a bit of a dick, but this behaviour isn't new. And if you've been pandering to it for a few years, why on earth would you expect him to change?

jackstini · 29/10/2022 12:38

The fish food thing - he did specifically say before you bought them that he didn't want to feed them. Some people find the texture/smell unbearable. You were in the same room so not difficult

The loo roll thing though - seriously??!! If DH called me upstairs to move a loo roll I'd ask him if he was fricking joking! No way would I accept that

Am also intrigued to know the answer to a pp question - is he petty in bed too..?

BlackberryCat · 29/10/2022 12:39

He does sound really petty. It's not very loving behavior.

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 12:43

It's really unpleasant. I'd move the cleaning stuff and just tell DH he forgot 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'd feed the fish because it's the mental load and responsibility I wouldn't want.

It's very unloving and uncaring behaviour from him.

TheHappyLoser · 29/10/2022 17:08

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

That is horrific!

Kanaloa · 30/10/2022 01:56

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 12:27

mmm.... I'm just of the opinion that people should do little favours for people they love. I would do the same for him if the tables were turned.

But you are two adults. He communicated to you at the time of buying the fish that he didn’t want to ever feed them. That’s clear communication that you understood. If you felt strongly that people who love each other should do ‘little favours’ and you knew it wouldn’t work for you then you had the choice of not getting a pet, or getting rid of your boyfriend. Because he doesn’t want to feed the fish.

I just don’t understand how people complain about things that have been made extremely clear to them. You got the fish knowing he did not want to be involved in the care of the fish. He told you that. And now you’re annoyed he won’t feed the fish.

Kanaloa · 30/10/2022 01:58

I do agree that he sounds unpleasant and petty in other ways (the cleaning) but I think you’ve got no space to complain that he won’t feed the fish after he made it clear before buying the fish that he wouldn’t participate in any care for them.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2022 02:22

Your husband is petty and childish. LTB.

GoodnightGentleBoris · 30/10/2022 02:23

I don’t really like being asked to “can you just….” Do things because you sitting on the sofa the other side of the room is hardly very far away

He sounds bananas over the loo thing though

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 30/10/2022 04:05

What would he do if you ignored him re the toilet thing?

HeadacheEarthquake · 30/10/2022 04:23

Did you ACTUALLY move things from the toilet so he could use it?

TwentyForty · 30/10/2022 06:13

niceduvet · 29/10/2022 09:29

Yes he does have form for this. Let's say I accidentally leave a loo roll and some anti bac spray on top of the closed toilet seat (don't worry, we have older teens not young children!) after I've cleaned the whole house and he wants to go to the toilet. He would then call me upstairs from wherever I am in the house and ask me to move them to their rightful place in the toilet, even though he is standing right beside the loo. He'll then say it's not his job to move them because I'm the one who has cleaned the house.

He does do his fair share of housework, but I do find this petty behaviour.

Bloody hell, he sounds awful. This would make me so frustrated.

OP, of course he should have fed the fish when you asked. Sounds like a petty, petulant child of a man. Pathetic.

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