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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret changing my name

51 replies

NameChangeRegrets · 28/10/2022 17:08

2 years ago I changed my full name via deed poll.

I was always neutral towards my original first name, but it's become a name that is so often mocked (even to this day, in media and by loads of people) it got to a point where I felt embarrassed saying it out loud.

My middle name was picked by my dear mum and I'm now using it as my last name as it's fairly surname-esque.

My original last name I changed because at the time, I had a strained relationship with my dad (we've since mended a few fences since the divorce but it remains a massive work in progress).

When I changed it, I was in my last year of uni (mature student) and did it in a bit of a rush as I wanted my new name reflected on my degree. The only connection to my old name is my middle name-turned-surname.

I like my new first/last name, and am neutral towards my new middle name (didn't really think it through as I was rushing for time) but it's used so rarely I think it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

I hear my old name being used almost daily (used in mockery usually, but still) and sometimes it makes me feel guilty? I don't think I'd want to go through the hassle of changing back but a part of me feels like I've 'thrown away' what my parents gave me. AIBU to have changed it in the first place?

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 28/10/2022 17:16

I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is, did you change your name to something you liked as a nice name or something you identified with? If it's the former, YWBU when you changed it but if it's the latter, YWNBU.

ImAvingOops · 28/10/2022 17:16

I can't vote on this because it's so personal and I don't think there's a reasonable or unreasonable point of view. On the whole I don't think it's unreasonable to change it in the first place since you did the best you could with the knowledge you had available at the time.
It's natural to feel guilty about something your parents chose but they couldn't have foreseen the difficulty of using a particular name now.
It's okay to do whatever is easiest for you - in the end it is your name and whatever you go by is no reflection on how much you love you mum and dad. Remember that they chose your name at a very specific moment in time and lots of parents regret their own choices too.

AnApparitionQuipped · 28/10/2022 17:19

You say you have kept your middle name as a surname, the middle name given to you by your mum. As a surname it will have much greater prominence than a middle name, so I think you are still honouring your parents' choice very well. Could you re-add your old first name as a middle name if you have a lingering wish to retain it?

Original poster
NameChangeRegrets · 28/10/2022 17:23

I think the main thing I'm struggling with is that the catalyst for me changing it was seeing it mocked everywhere (even by some of the nice young people I volunteered with). If it weren't for that I wouldn't have changed it and would've just lived with it. I don't want to change it back (at least I don't think I do) but I feel a bit guilty/bitter about it sometimes.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 28/10/2022 17:25

Karen? I would feel zero guilt about changing it.

PeaceX · 28/10/2022 17:26

AnApparitionQuipped · 28/10/2022 17:19

You say you have kept your middle name as a surname, the middle name given to you by your mum. As a surname it will have much greater prominence than a middle name, so I think you are still honouring your parents' choice very well. Could you re-add your old first name as a middle name if you have a lingering wish to retain it?

Agree with this!

steff13 · 28/10/2022 17:28

Was it Karen?

Original poster
NameChangeRegrets · 28/10/2022 17:30

RandomMusings7 · 28/10/2022 17:25

Karen? I would feel zero guilt about changing it.

Yes, sadly. I was going to graduate in a 'young' field and it sounds stupid but I was embarrassed to even tell people what my name was at one point.

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 28/10/2022 17:37

So say you used to be

Karen Jordan Smith

And now you are

Charlie Emily Jordan

Has everyone you know started calling you Charlie now? And you miss being called Karen? I think if I changed my name I would probably have moments of feeling homesick for my childhood name. How old are you?

jonesy1999 · 28/10/2022 17:39

I think your mum would just want you to be happy.

I don't think she would want you to feel guilty at all. Flowers

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 17:45

I think you are overthinking it OP. You’ve kept your old middle name as a surname so your parents’ choices are still in there.

Nothing wrong with changing your name if that suits you better, lots of people change the names their parents give them informally anyway.

Karen is a nice name actually, but it was a bit old fashioned and had gone downmarket even before all the (sexist, agist) claptrap, so it’s not a loss I would mourn. I can’t say I’d have formally changed it, but I would probably have adopted Kate or something as a nn (it’s a form of Katherine).

littlepeas · 28/10/2022 17:51

The Karen thing makes me angry. It is such horrible, misogynistic bullshit. I particularly dislike seeing young women mocking older women. Maybe when they reach middle age they will just relinquish any right to complain about anything, but I suspect they will have realised what dicks they were by then.

I don't blame you op and you still have the family connection.

Original poster
NameChangeRegrets · 28/10/2022 17:54

CrapBucket · 28/10/2022 17:37

So say you used to be

Karen Jordan Smith

And now you are

Charlie Emily Jordan

Has everyone you know started calling you Charlie now? And you miss being called Karen? I think if I changed my name I would probably have moments of feeling homesick for my childhood name. How old are you?

'Homesick' that's it I think. Yes, everyone calls me by my new name now. Family and old friends call me by an unrelated nickname. I'm 31.

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 28/10/2022 17:55

Do you still have your mum, and if so have you talked to her about it?

If you were my daughter, I would have a tinge of sadness at losing the name I knew you by as a person through your childhood and whole life...BUT more than anything I would want you to be happy, and I would be proud of you. Personally I would hate to be called Karen now that it is used as an insult. The fact that you've had to change your name is not a reflection on you. And I highly doubt anyone these days would name a baby Karen. Your mum wasn't to know what the name would become.

In the 80's, the names Sharon and Tracey were highly ridiculed and if I'd been named either of those I would've changed my name.

ImAvingOops · 28/10/2022 18:01

I wanted to call my first baby Karen. But he turned out to be a boy. I still think it's a beautiful name. You can always reclaim it later if you feel the need

Blibbleflibble · 28/10/2022 18:02

You have the right to identify however you wish. Christ women have been changing their surnames due to marriage since year dot anyway, why not for any reason you choose, you have to be comfortable in your own skin.

My Granddad's first name was Horrace but none of the family knew until he passed away we'd always known him by his Middle name James, apparently he just told everyone he was called Jim when he was enlisted for ww2 as didn't want the piss taken out of him.

I'm sure your Mum would be happy that her daughter is happy. Please don't feel guilty. X

ElegantlyTouched · 28/10/2022 18:04

Please don't feel guilty. Your parents may have chosen the name but you're the person having to live with it every day.

My mum hates the fact I'm known by variants of my actual name. As far as she's concerned she chose the name so no one has a right to call me anything else (even if she calls me by various nicknames most of the time). But I'm happy with it for various reasons and I think my opinion is the more important in this regard.

Original poster
NameChangeRegrets · 28/10/2022 18:04

Do you still have your mum, and if so have you talked to her about it?

Yes, we've talked about this before and my mum understands. Think the first thing she said to me when I first brought up wanting to change my name was 'at least everyone is going to see the nice name I picked now' 😂

Somedays I just feel a sort of 'disconnect' and a bit of guilt/regret etc I guess.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 28/10/2022 18:05

Reflecting back your words:
I like my new first/last name
I don't want to change it back

Feelings of guilt / bitterness can be let go.

Your family and friends still call you by the name they have always called you - the nickname.

You no longer feel embarrassed to say what your name is.

Life coach mantra warning!! (I am not a life coach - but you know what I mean!!)

Give yourself permission to be happy, to let go of the guilt and the bitterness, to say thank you for freeing yourself from the name that didn't bring you joy!!

(I am getting carried away now!...)
Go outside and dance in the moonlight and shed the weight of your old name, thank it for the service it gave you and set it free. Welcome the new name and the new you that defines you in your new degree qualified state, accept that new identity and express your gratitude for your wisdom to free yourself. Burn some sage and do some chanting!!

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 28/10/2022 18:19

I think you’re feeling like this because you did it in such a rush. You’ve pretty much given yourself a new identity without much preparation! It’s going to take time to get used to it.
I really like the name Karen, I know several of them. I hate how it’s currently being used but I think that will pass. It’s a shame you didn’t keep that name as a middle name, you might have felt less disconnected.
I changed my name, it was about ten years ago now. I used my new name informally, at first with close friends, then with family, before I actually changed it when I started a new job. It takes time to adjust.

sayanythingelse · 28/10/2022 18:23

Karen is quite a dated name for a 31 year old to be fair. I've got a similar "middle aged woman" name and I've had the piss taken out of me all my life. I told my mum I wanted to change my name from primary school age but never did for fear of upsetting my parents and thinking it would never stick anyway.

Well done to you I say. I guess it is natural to feel like it's not your real name but can you ever see yourself going back to your old one?

Unseelie · 28/10/2022 18:25

I’m sorry, Karen is a lovely name and I hate how it’s being ruined by misogynists who think the very concept of a woman feeling entitled to complain is hilarious. I suspect you were right to change it though, I had a friend called Alice when that horrible song “Who the fuck is Alice?” came out and things were hard for her.

I know it’s a bit late now 😬 but Karina/Carina is a lovely name and might be a good compromise.

Mapleapple · 28/10/2022 18:27

sayanythingelse · 28/10/2022 18:23

Karen is quite a dated name for a 31 year old to be fair. I've got a similar "middle aged woman" name and I've had the piss taken out of me all my life. I told my mum I wanted to change my name from primary school age but never did for fear of upsetting my parents and thinking it would never stick anyway.

Well done to you I say. I guess it is natural to feel like it's not your real name but can you ever see yourself going back to your old one?

I was going to say the same, I am your age OP and Karen is the name of friends Mum’s. I do understand the issue with people using it as an insult. I think it’s horribly misogynistic. It might just take some more time to get used to your new name OP. I think that’s completely normal. I bet if you started going by Karen again you wouldn’t like it at all.

As an aside I went to school with a Blanche who will be 31-32 now. I do wonder if she kept it.

forgotmyusername1 · 28/10/2022 18:28

My friend called Karen has everyone call her Karie.

MsTSwift · 28/10/2022 18:28

Every Karen I have ever met has been a really decent person. The misogyny in younger people so depressing.

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