Regret changing my name

[NameChangeRegrets]

2 years ago I changed my full name via deed poll.

I was always neutral towards my original first name, but it's become a name that is so often mocked (even to this day, in media and by loads of people) it got to a point where I felt embarrassed saying it out loud.

My middle name was picked by my dear mum and I'm now using it as my last name as it's fairly surname-esque.

My original last name I changed because at the time, I had a strained relationship with my dad (we've since mended a few fences since the divorce but it remains a massive work in progress).

When I changed it, I was in my last year of uni (mature student) and did it in a bit of a rush as I wanted my new name reflected on my degree. The only connection to my old name is my middle name-turned-surname.

I like my new first/last name, and am neutral towards my new middle name (didn't really think it through as I was rushing for time) but it's used so rarely I think it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

I hear my old name being used almost daily (used in mockery usually, but still) and sometimes it makes me feel guilty? I don't think I'd want to go through the hassle of changing back but a part of me feels like I've 'thrown away' what my parents gave me. AIBU to have changed it in the first place?

YANBU. I’m so sorry you had to change your name because of a stupid, misogynistic meme. It’s very cruel and unfair.

I also changed my name. I was mocked in my childhood for my original name and switched to my super boring middle name at uni, for the same reason you outlined.

It feels like I’ve lost part of me though. People who say “it’s just a name” don’t really get it. It’s been six years for me. It does seem a bit more normal but sometimes I do feel a bit sad and like I’ve lost my identity. All that being said, I just could not have gone through life with my original name…

A family member of mine is a Karen and she's in her late 60s. She absolutely hates the Karen thing and is really self conscious when she has to tell someone her name. She is quite timid anyway (like me) and I can understand why it might be hard for her to "own it" and say it proud, IYSWIM. I really detest how misogyny and ageism have ruined a perfectly good name. ☹️ I think it's fine to change it if it's making you uneasy, and luckily your mum is ok with it. 😁

I know a family where all three kids changed their names and I sometimes wonder if the parents felt weird about it. They had perfectly normal names but all kids went for whimsical non-names that often raise eyebrows.

My friend went with Carron for her dd

I’ve often thought that choosing an adult name should be normalised. Many people do it. I know lots of people who shrugged off a childish nickname (eg Jamsie) for an alternative version (eg Jim), or start using their middle name. Nuns used to take a whole new name, adult women switched to being Mrs Husband on marriage (to all except their school friends and immediate family) and there’s echoes of it in choosing a confirmation name.

I’m not saying everyone should change their names but I think it’s a valid rite of passage.

If it helps, I'm a parent to two young adults. I wouldn't be upset in the slightest if they wanted to change their names.

As a parent, you pick a name for a person you don't yet know. Most people just become that name or a nick name but for some I guess it doesn't feel right or becomes an issue for other reasons like you OP. I think that's reason enough to choose something else. I might struggle for a while to remember to call the new name and I'd hope that would be understood and accepted.

It is racism as Karen has become the name to mock White women with. I'm so disappointed some in the media also goes along with this.

@BlodynGwyn - It’s not racism, it has nothing to do with race! It’s sexist, misogynist bullshit, but not racism.

beep

Your last paragraph really resonates with me. Sometimes I find some of my childhood stuff like my mini coin purse with my name embroidered on it or the card holder my mum made for me when I was a teen for my birthday (that I still use!) that she'd leather stamped my name on and it feels sad. I don't think I'd ever want to change back, but it feels like a loss sometimes still.

Couldn't you be Karena or similar?

I did the same thing! Changed my first name from Karen, and surname for other reasons. I’m in my mid-30s and was just heartily fed up of the “Karen” thing. It’s been years & years of it now. It was affecting the way I was treated and I believe my future potential.

A year on and I do go through phases of regret. Part of me thinks I was just being silly to change it (& I’m sure some other people think that too). Sometimes I worry I picked the wrong name to change it to.
We did what we thought was the best thing for us though, so it probably was, and I think that’s all we can really think.

Anyway, I get it!

You have allowed childish name calling to dictate your own life. I have an old fashioned middle name but could I really be arsed to change it? I also had a common maiden surname but that was what I was dealt. Sorry, but you seem quite shallow.

Oh, aren't you a peach?

Having an old fashioned middle name is absolutely not comparable to going through life with a FIRST name that is basically a mysoginistic meme at this point. And you know it. But you couldn't pass up the opportunity to have a dig at OP and make yourself feel superior, could you? Pathetic...

I"m not sure what you want us to do?

You didn't like your name so you changed it. Now you don't like your new name.

You're not being unreasonable or reasonable to be honest.

I"m not sure why you're so affected by what other people think of your name. Aren't you more concerned about that they think of you as a person?

Here's a grip @Randlehandle

A name is unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I am always amazed at people with dreadful surnames who go through their entire lives without choosing something nicer.

I must be mistaken, but pretty sure I was on the AIBU thread, where the OP asks for your input. If people are going to change their names because of memes, thanks for adding that into the mix. It's ridiculous. I can't stand my first name either, but I've stuck with it. That's why I'm not having the same regrets the OP is. OK with you?

This.

I really understand op. It was easier for me to change my full name because I had an abusive childhood and have systematically rejected everything my former parents gave me.

But I have still found it difficult at times and I really admire that you had the courage to reclaim what people call you.

A pathetic part of society has taken your own name and turned into a misogynistic stereotype to oppress women who speak up for themselves.

You don't need to suffer for the name - it is not 'who you are' and you can have an easy, uncomplicated name you like and causes you no drama.

If you don't feel it's quite right, you could use your middle name as a first name and your Mum's maiden name?

Whatever you do, hold your head high, you chose another name for yourself, it's not a biggie in the grand scheme of things.

Sorry, but have you read my other posts?

You rushed a name changed because you wanted a different name in your degree certificate.

You're still not happy with your name, so you either have to live with it, change it back or pick a new one

Which bit are you not happy about? I'm called by a name that isn't my official name, and have been since I was a baby when my parents realised they'd made a mistake. And then people go and shorten my name anyway, same with my sister who is actually called Karen but goes by Ren, and always has done.

The moral of this story is don't rush into things, but as long as you like being called your first name, whether it's official or not I think that's the important bit. I always challenge people who use "Karen" as an insult, and wish more people would.

@Randlehandle I just believed you were wrong to call op shallow. Although you are right that you can express your opinion.

And I understand that, because you can't stand your first name, this is going to bring up some feelings for you personally.

For the OP to consider what name would appear on her degree certificate, is, imo, shallow.

OP, I'm not meaning to be unkind, because you've obviously got regrets. To change our names, is to change our identity. To do so on the basis of societal mocking, is sad. The people who (bizarrely) use Karen to mock, are childish, ignorant morons. You didn't need to change your name to give into their pathetic behaviour.

I think maybe you are finding it tough because you were essentially bullied into changing your name. I can't think of any other name that has the same connotations as Karen. Imagine being called Karen and having to make a complaint about something, I couldn't do it. Dh has a relative called Karen and her kids are embarrassed by her name and hate her introducing herself to anyone in front of them.

All of that is to say I understand completely why you changed it op. Changing your name because you don't like it is completely different to changing your name because your name is mocked and stereotyped by large groups of people.

I've never understood the mockery of the name Karen. It's a name I've always loved and I think they could have used any name for the mockery. We could just as easily have Jane's or Cheryl's changing their names by deed poll out of embarrassment.