JOB:
SS17.5 did have a job - he wanted to quit school and work. His Dad agreed as long as the job was not a highschool/part time thing. Giving credit where credit is due - SS17.5 was amazing at his job - but after 5ish weeks started to fall asleep while on the computer - taking a dozen 10 minute smoke breaks and seemed to lose interest.
I think it lasted about 7 weeks - then he quit and is currently back in a different school and has had to start year 11 again.
COOKING/CLEANING:
I cook for everyone and won't stop cooking for him. He gets told every night what is for dinner and he helps himself to however much he feels like eating.
The cleaning thing is a bit harder because 3 people use the bathroom - so I can't make him clean it when there are 2 others that use it.
HIS MUM:
I agree that his aggression and hate towards women has most likely stemmed from losing his Mum at such a young age.
When the aggression and violence got to a really bad level we went to a doctor and got a referral for a pediatrician. He was put on anti-depressants and he had over 2 years of counselling. The anti-depressants didn't really make a difference - after 1 day he said he was already feeling happier - he would take them as we gave them to him and other times refused to take them - so his Dad went back to the doctor and the doctor advised to stop the medication. The counsellor said that she couldn't see that anything was wrong with him - he spoke about his Mum with love - he spoke about hating his sister because she sits beside his Dad - he spoke about my children and how funny they are and he liked that they brought him is favourite lollies, he did talk about me and said he didn't like me sitting near his Dad or coming with them to do fun things. So I changed a lot of things from this - we sat Dad in the middle with a child each side. I sat on the other end of the couch (it's a 10 seater u shaped lounge) and if we were planning a fun day out I asked the kids if they felt like a day out just with Dad. I told them that it was ok if they did and that I think it's awesome that kids want to hang with their parents.
We've tried to get him to see a Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist for about 31/2 to 4 years (SS had counselling when he was 12/13) and we've addressed it by saying that he can say and talk about whatever he wants and it might be easier because it's a stranger and it's 100% confidential. He doesn't think he has a problem and isn't interested in talking to anyone.
AGGRESSION/VIOLENCE/TEMPER
When I came on the scene the step-kids were little and things changed dramatically for them - they had already been through one of the worst things that life would throw at them.
The first time I met the kids we went for a walk and the kids rode their bikes. They wanted to show me their Mums gravesite and asked if I would put some flowers on it. So we picked some wildflowers and went to the cemetary.
On the way home some magpies were swooping and diving - as they do. My step-daughter was riding in front fast and the magpie was swooping my step-son. He was yelling and abusing his sister for riding in front. When we got back to the house he kicked her bike over then pushed her over for not getting swooped.
I'm not a big believer in smacking - I'm a huge believer in learning through respect and the adage in our house when my children were little was if you don't like someone doing it or saying it to you don't do or say it to anyone else.
SS17.5 would do and say nasty things to his sister - sort of out of the blue. They would be playing really nicely - then he would just snap. For instance - as we were getting on a cruise ship for a 4 day cruise he told his sister I wish you didn't exist. The lady booking us in said that's not a nice thing to say and he said I'm going to throw her over the side of the boat. He didn't and he had a fantastic time. Made lots of friends and was a happy chappy. Another time we were out walking collecting pine cones. It was all going well and then he swung his bag with the pine cones in it and smacked it across her face. His Dad asked him why he did that and he said because she's ugly. When his Dad said how would you feel if that was done to you his answer was but I'm not ugly - neither of them are ugly children - they are both incredibly beautiful. His Dad took all his electronic stuff off him for a month. We had friends and their children over to visit and it was the start of summer and they were all thinking of going in the pool. The water was freezing. My step-daughter was kneeling on the side of the pool and our visitors son's were standing on the steps. My step-son walked behind his sister and kicked her in the back to push her in the pool. They both got the same Nintendo game. SS wanted this particular toy and his Dad said if you want it you can do jobs to earn pocket money to buy it - instead of doing that he stole his sister's Nintendo game, took it to school and swapped it with another child for the toy he wanted - turns out he saw the same boy play with the toy the day before. When he was caught he said that his sister said he could. When the Dad brought her in to ask her she said I said you could play mine because you lost yours not swap it. He didn't lose his he just wanted this particular toy.
OUTSIDE INFLUENCES:
SS17.5 was always treated differently by his paternal family. He was the favourite. I believe that this has caused a lot of problems from the time he was a little boy too. For instance - he would get 10 icecreams and she would get 4. If he broke a toy - they'd buy him a new one. If she broke a toy - too bad. To the point that 2 years ago when they went and visited their grandparents, the grandparents bullied the girl into giving the boy some money. She works and at that time he didn't. My SD will no longer go to see her paternal grandparents if her brother will be there
PROTECTION:
My step-daughter has a lock on her bedroom door and we have noticed certain patterns to SS's moods. She keeps it locked and he knocks when he wants to talk to her.
The last time he physically abused her - his Dad put him in the car and went to the Police station and had a talk to the Police about how far physical abuse can go when it's taken to Court - since then he's not laid a finger on her.
Unfortunately SS has no friends and nobody at his school likes him. He did have 2 friends from primary school that were good buddies but he stole from them and now they have nothing to do with him.
When his Dad asked him if he understands why people don't talk to him and why they stopped being friends with him his response was that everyone is out to get him and it's not his fault.
REPLACING HIS MUM
From the start the kids asked me if they could call me Mum - my partner and I had already talked about it and I made sure that he would be ok with it - I told them that they could if they wanted to. I gave them the same son and daughter gifts that I had given to my children when they were young.
It was fine with them calling me Mum until the maternal grandparents kicked up a stink about it - not to my partner or me - but to the kids.
From that moment on they just called me by my name.
The maternal grandparents, unfortunately, also told them that they never have to listen or do anything I told them.
I don't know if this has anything to do with SS and his attitude. I don't think it would have helped.
PUNISHMENTS FROM ME - THE STEP-MUM
I've never punished either of the SK's. I leave that up to the Father.
The 14yo girlfriend's Mum came to our house and I was the one at home (I work from home) and I'm the one that was abused and pushed over. I wasn't expecting it at all - especially being pushed over like I was 5.
She had gotten hold of all the text messages, taken them to her doctor, she was then referred to a child therapist who read the messages and stated that this male is grooming the 14yo and using coercive control over her. The mother had then told him directly to stay away from her. He then told us that she was a junkie and a drunk who abused the 14yo and wasn't fit to be a parent.
I had a very long chat with the mother (after she calmed down). I told her that SS had advised us that at the beginning of the relationship she was 15 just about to turn 16. We had no idea that she was so young.
After the 14yo Mother went to the Police she was told that there was nothing they could do about the grooming or coercive control and the only thing that would change their stance is if the SS had sex with the 14yo.
SS's Dad had told him what happened with the 14yo's Mother coming to our home and abusing me and pushing me over (I suffer from debilitating Ankylosing Spondylitis - google it it's not fun) and how she was going to the Police and he was to have nothing to do with her. He lasted 3 hours before he was on the phone to her.
Fast forward 2 days - once he was told that the Police couldn't do anything - he said to his Dad - I'm in the clear there's nothing they can do - sux to them. His Dad asked him if he was sorry or disappointed in anyway and he's answer was I've got nothing to be sorry for. Why should I be sorry. Her Mother should be apologising to me for causing shit.
When SS asked me if he could use my car for a driving lesson, we had a bit of a chat about him taking responsibility for his actions and apologising where he should. I told him that his comments about his g/fs Mum were out of line and very rude. I explained to him that he isn't a parent and it's not that easy. I told him that the Mother had asked him - several times - to stay away and that she wasn't supportive of the relationship. His attitude was it had nothing to do with his g/f's Mother and she has no right to interfere in his relationship.
I told him that he needs to think about how that Mother is feeling and until he apologises for his actions he can't drive my car. What I didn't put in the original post is that he has taken my car on several occasions while he is on his learners and driven around the estate that we live in for practice.
I could also put in a category for stealing, drugs, alcohol, smoking, vaping and vandal.
I apologise for the long post reply.