TROUBLE STEP-SON

[Pingedoff]

Hi, I'm new here and a bit nervous!!
I'm a Mum to F25, M26, F30, SD16 & SS17.5
Step-Son 17.5 is a trouble child. For years he was physical & mentally abusive towards his sister. I put a stop to it when I came into their lives when he was 7. It didn't stop him. Fast forward to now and we live with a complete monster. He steals, lies, yells and swears at all of us.

This week I had his 14yo girlfriend's Mum come to our home and abuse me because SS17.5 wouldn't leave her alone. He has been told by the girls Mum to stay away as 14yo is way too young for SS17.5.
As a background I was never in support of this relationship - but nobody listened to me. SS has no respect for women and has, in the past, been a domineering partner and been dumped more times than my rubbish bin.
The Mother has gone to the police for = well you can imagine.
AIBU for now putting in strict rules for the house. Those being - no g/f or b/f to come to our home UNTIL we meet their parents and make sure they are on board with the relationship. SS17.5 is on his learner's license and as I have the only automatic car in the house - I have banned him from doing any lessons in my car. When he yelled at me to STFU you ft B**h why not - my response was very cool and calm - I said when you can learn to face the consequences of your actions and start acting like the adult that you think you are we'll re-think all of this.

SS17.5 says that I don't get a say to what rules he should be forced to live under and that my "job" in the house is to shut up do the cooking and cleaning.
AIBU for putting strict rules and punishments in this house? (SS17.5 only chore is to wash up every second night and unload a dishwasher every second day)

Are people just not reading any of OPs posts? The children asked to call her mum. She allowed it, and then, when the GPs rejected this, the kids called her by her name again. Nowhere does it say that OP railed against this.
It looks like she's done everything possible to support the family, but for this boy it sounds like far more specialised help is needed to help him understand how to function in society.
And yes, it's his father's responsibility to be making that happen. If he is not safe to be around his younger sister then she absolutely should be protected. That's not favouritism, it's protecting a vulnerable child from an aggressive sibling.

Hi @Pingedoff we just wanted to check to see if you would like us to move your thread to the Step-parenting board where you might get more support/advice. If yes please let us know by using the report feature on the bottom right.
Best wishes,
MNHQ

they slotted into the new family a long while ago. The SS has had troubling behaviour for a long time, and this is something that should have been addressed, and stil be addressed, at the time.

I notice there is zero sympathy for his poor sister who he bullies.

He needs therapy. He sounds traumatised and is screaming for help.

What have school said?
Has he been referred for assessment by a psychiatrist?

Needs to happen soon or he will be all grown up and the only way out of this mess is via drink drugs police and prison......

I understand your husband not wanting to kick his child out of his home, but how can you be expected to live with someone who is so disrespectful of you? And then there's poor SD, bullied, afraid, and unable to relax in her own home unless she's behind a locked door. That's tragic.

There won't be any easy answers here, because SS may already be too old to be set straight (unless he realises he's on a bad path and wants to change).

I'd tell your husband that something has to give, that I couldn't continue to subject myself to that kind of treatment. Some type of therapy needs to start immediately, or SS needs to be prepared to move out. I would absolutely refuse to share a house with a mentally competent adult who was verbally abusive to me. Better to end the relationship with your husband than settle in for years more of this! Of course then SD is left with one fewer person on her side in that house...

Not sure why anyone is hand-wringing over the word "trouble". This 17.5-year-old clearly is trouble/troubled. It doesn't sound like OP's to blame, either!

I hate to be the one to say it because I am sick of seeing it in every bloody post but this child has lots of ADHD traits
*no friends
*no ability to reflect on his behaviours and therefor take responsibility for his actions
*short attention/motivation span - great a job for a couple of weeks
*lack of empathy towards his sister
and on and on.
Did he ever get assessed? Is it possible the death of his mother obscured something else? What does dad remember of his early behaviour?

I think he sounds like he has a personality disorder

Yes I do too.

Doesn’t matter how awful the behaviour of a child, it’s always the stepmother’s fault, huh? Jesus.

Thank you for all of your responses.

In response to some of your queries
Their Mum had passed away just under 3 years when I started a relationship with their Dad.
Unfortunately they weren't given grief counselling. Their Dad enquired about counselling for them all but he was told they were too young.

I have a great relationship with the Mums family. When we visit their home town we all go out to dinner, when they come visit they stay with us. At the start they were suspicious that I was in it just for the money - they didn't know that I had my own money - and they did weird things - they weighed the kids whenever they visited to make sure they were being fed - they questioned them on who buys the food, pays the bills, cooks, cleans etc - they told the kids that their mother's portion of their wealth would now be going to the kids and that they had written their father out of their will - they told the paternal grandparents that I was likely to murder them all in their sleep. I did confront the grandparents alone and told them they could ask me anything and they did. From that moment on our relationship turned from suspicious to fantastic.

Their Dad and I agreed he would have a year off work when we all moved in together (which was in another state) so he could spend a significant amount of time helping the kids settle into a new school and home - we made a really big deal out of them being able to choose their bedrooms in our new home and they were able to choose wall colours - we had weekly family discussions on things we wanted to eat for the next week and every child (4 at the time) could pick a meal.
The day after they moved to their new home I had arranged a meet and greet with friend's children at the local swimming pool and we had a big sleep over in the loungeroom where the kids made up a cubby house. We tried to make them feel welcomed and tried to give them a sense of belonging.
I went and spoke to a psychologist for 6 months prior to our plans of joining our families together on how to handle children who had lost their Mum, my SS's aggression and anger issues.
To be honest I had a fantastic relationship with both of the children, everything in our house is 100% equal - if we have ice-cream - everyone has ice-cream, when I buy treats everyone gets treats - I don't do favourites.
We were in our new house for about 2 weeks, it was summer and hot. We hadn't put in air-conditioning yet an we put some mattresses on the floor with damp sheets to help keep everyone cool. My partner and SD were napping on the floor and my daughter and I were cooking a chinese banquet. (My SS had always wanted to try chinese food but he's allergic to peanuts so I told him I would cook a heap of different dishes for him to try). My SS came from playing lego in his bedroom and asked where his sister was. I told him she was asleep on the floor with Dad - he then took my meat cleaver and said I'm going to kill her. I grabbed the knife off him and he then took the other knife and said the same thing. I woke my partner up and told him - my SS admitted that he wanted to kill her - when he was questioned why - he said because he's my Dad not hers.
I don't yell and scream in anger - I learned the hard way how bad that can be - I will yell out to someone if they're at the other end of the house and it's meal times or their friends are here.
I didn't want the kids to call me Mum. It's not something I believe in. My partner said that they had asked him if they could. I try to keep their memories of their Mum in their minds. We talk about her whenever they wanted to. They both remembered certain things their Mum cooked for them and I now cook them. I feel that it would be beneficial to their lives to remember as much as they could and we have photos of them with their Mum on our walls.
I know that step-parents always get the "it must be your fault" stigma. I know this because my children's step-mother is an absolute a*hole. She hit my youngest daughter so hard she left a hand-print bruise on her butt, it even bruised her butt crack and you could see what fingers she was wearing rings, she slammed her fingers in the door deliberately, wouldn't feed my children while her own kids had food - all kinds of horrible things - that 's another story!!!
So I learned a lot of what not to do from what my children had lived with.

I don't discipline my step-children. I don't yell at them and I've never ever hit them or ridiculed them or said anything that could be seen as malicious.
They both have a beautiful relationship with their Dad - which I love to see (as my kids don't with their Dad) as long as they are with him separately. My SD has started to push back at my SS. She no longer puts up with his rubbish.

My SS has asked me a lot why do people hate him. This is a very hard thing to answer being caught on the spot. I tell him that we all love him and don't hate him. I ask him why he feels that everyone hates him and he says things like I'm always in trouble - everyone walks away from me - my friends all leave me. I try to break down his questions one by one and only hope I'm giving answers that aren't going to crush his soul - when he said I'm always in trouble - I ask him what he's done that he's been in trouble for - he said I didn't do anything wrong - so we keep breaking it down and he will then said SD said I stole her money - when I asked him if he did he says things like - it was just sitting on her bed, it wasn't in a wallet - so technically speaking it wasn't hers.

We have discussed with doctors, counsellors and psychiatrists about him not being able to see the difference of what's right and what's wrong and to be able to justify a bad thing as not being the wrong thing to do.
Recently - he took my car key (which I had stupidly left on the dining table) and stole my car. We were in bed (10.30ish at night) but heard the garage door open, heard my car start and take off. He didn't have a learners license at that stage he would have been 16-16/12 at the most. When my partner asked why he stole the car he said it's not stolen if the keys are sitting on the table and for him to mind his own business and shut up. I know they had a very long talk because my partner didn't get to bed until after 1am.
He is a tall teenager 5ft11", I'm 5ft5". He uses his height as a weapon. If I'm cooking and he comes in the kitchen and needs something from a cupboard I'm blocking - instead of asking me to move he'll shoulder barge me or drop his shoulder onto my head.

Thank you all for your responses - I know hearing about things like this will always have a negative feeling when the poster is a step-parent.
What I haven't said is that I work in the legal industry and have had to give evidence in Court a lot and have taken on the officer of the court duty very seriously - which is basically be truthful all the time because lies are easy to uncover and then anything you say will never be believed from thereonin.

He sounds like he has something going on. Neuro diverse. Personality disorder.

Which perhaps everyone has ignored due to the death of his mother

In the U.K. a huge % of the prison population are neuro diverse. Majority undiagnosed when they go in.

He sounds like he needs a thorough assessment with the right kind of psychiatrist.

However. Doesn't sound like you are in the U.K. so I've no idea how easy that will be for you to organise.

Feeling different. Not fitting in. Seeing things differently. These all point to a difference.

He needs help before it gets even more dangerous.

Yes. Rings bells for me too.

At one of his earlier pediatrician appointments - we got to speak with the doctor before bringing SS in. I brought up ADHD, Autism/Spectrum, ADD and did ask about any personality disorders. After maybe 4 (from memory) appointments the most the pediatrician could come up with was depression.

He has been to 2 primary schools and the 2nd school picked up behavioural traits and he was caught bullying other children.
After quite a few meetings with the school we went back to the doctor, had more appointments with pediatrician's and in the end appointment with just my partner the pediatrician said he is extremely smart, probably at genius level, but he knows how to "play the game". He knew he was being assessed and the pediatrician said he could see he was adjusting his personality to the way he was asking questions. And there wasn't much he could do.

At the 1st high school he was caught dealing drugs, he pulled a knife on a child and was bullying again.

We went back to doctors and the pediatrician said that besides lots of counselling/therapy there wasn't much he could do.
This school he is now at things aren't any better. He has been caught dealing drugs, he "accosts" people at the train station begging for smokes and money - and has been cautioned by railway staff and Police that they will be keeping an eye on him and to stop doing it - but he still does it.
His Dad said he was a happy toddler but very slow to do things. He wasn't walking until he was nearly 2, didn't say Dad, Mum, Dog etc until after his 2nd birthday. He had extreme allergies which caused him tremendous pain as a baby - and from what my partner said it took several months to get him into a routine where he wasn't screaming in pain 24/7. Allergic to dairy, nuts, fish & eggs.

His Dad said he could play very happily with his sister and they had the best imagination for building things and play acting (I've seen videos and they were very cute together) but once his daughter went to either one of the parents he got very jealous. From a young age he'd try to pull her away and off of either parent.
I've always said that the death of his Mum and the lack of professional help after she passed away had a really big deal with what we are living with today.

We have tried to talk him into seeing a professional - dozens and dozens of times. We can easily get an Order that he goes - but the psychiatrist that we found that deals with teenagers advised that if you force him to go he won't say much. He said it has to be his choice - especially as he is nearly an adult.

Right now it is like he is wanting to be an 18 year old so he can do what he wants when he wants, but he doesn't want the responsibilities of having a job (he calls it being a slave), paying rent (in his mind this is his house and he tells everyone that visits that it is his house - brought with his Mother's death benefits, which is very untrue), cooking for himself, doing his own washing/chores (that's not my job).

Hi

I too have a troubled step son. But is not as bad as your SS in the ways of stealing, bullying and abusive.

He to is rude to his parents and brother. He can make the atmosphere in the house difficult. He is selfish at times too.

My SS plays off his parents I.e. if he doesn’t get something from his mother he gets it from his father vice versa.

He had a trouble relationship with his mother and refused to see her for over 2 years until recently. He also refused counselling unlike his brother who now has better relations with his mother.

Now at 15 and in the last year of school is failing his exams. Seems more interested in friends and having fun.

My husband has been soft on him as a young child and has spoilt him more than the eldest. But now he is much firmer in disciplining him.

I really think you both have to disciple your step son more!

of course he should not be driving your car at all! He has no respect for you, the car or the law. Once he learns … he may take your car all the time and risk getting into an accident.

Are you both giving him money? How is he getting around places and doing stuff? I would stop giving any form of money/allowance.

He is in a transitional position.. entering adulthood, wanting to enjoy adult freedom but without taking responsibility or caring.

Im concerned about his behaviour towards women especially his sister, gf, and you! You’re lucky it was not more of a serious incident with the gf mother.

I think you and your husband need to sit down together and discuss the behaviour and consequences. You have to stop giving money and stop the driving until his behaviour improves. What happens if he continues? Once he is 18 years old what will he do? Will he leave home at 18? There definitely needs more action to his poor behaviour, it’s not fair on this sister to experience this level of abuse at home.

Sounds like a nightmare OP. The father needs to step up and not opt out and being avoidant

This is going to sound unkind but .. the problem roots back to your husband
He sounds like he uses work as an excuse to avoid being a father

He sounds "soft", letting your ss get away with all these things

You sound unbelievably kind hearted but i feel like youve been taken advantage of by everybody

I would be telling ss to start looking for a job and accommodation because he needs to leave at 18,
You can not allow this little shxt to bully you and disrespect you anymore
You said he shoulder barges you?
I would have told him to get the hell out of the house right there

Hes learning how to treat people from what you and the rest of his family allow
It seems the approach you and your dh have taken is not suited for someone like him
He knows the worst that will happen if he does anything wrong, is that he will be given a "talking session" and thats it, no real consequence for his horrid behaviour
Some people need harsher parenting style than others

He can not keep using his moms death as an excuse to be an abusive loser, he is not a child anymore, he needs to grow up

He will never appreciate how privileged he grew up, unless you kick him out and make him fend for himself
Then he will be forced to face his own weaknesses

My DH's brother was also an utter arsehole like this from a similar age. He used to sell anything and everything in the house to fund an obvious drug habit. He was foul and disrespectful to DH and their parents. Their parents looked the other way and let him take the piss out of them til he was in his 30s all the while sabotaging their relationship with my DH as they would constantly put brother first and refuse to acknowledge any effect this all had on DH and make my DH seem like the problem if he dared to be unhappy about it.

The brother was eventually arrested for possessing indecent images. He did this under the parent's roof so they had to endure the typical abuse from neighbours around this crime and move house eventually. I won't go into why as too outing but this had a profound impact on mine and dh's life and yet nobody has ever acknowledged this or apologised for it or even just thanked my DH for his patience and dignity around the whole saga. It's been the final nail in the coffin as far as I'm concerned ITO a relationship with my PIL. I appreciate that they are just doing what they can for the brother but I can no longer have any respect for how they have constantly put my DH's feelings and needs last and allowed their decisions and shit parenting to ruin our lives all to let their other piece of shit child get away with anything. I tolerate them but I honestly couldn't care less if we never see them again. The brother now lives elsewhere. We never speak to him. He might hopefully even be dead tbh. Don't care

I'm telling you a this to warn you that this is how your life will pan out if you and DH don't grow some balls and set some boundaries with this stepson immediately. Yes he probably does need help. No this shouldn't mean you become martyrs for the rest of your lives. No this shouldn't be at the expense of any of your other kids. They will rent

Sorry posted too soon.... 'they will resent it if you constantly put this boy first. I hope you can sort things. It's not easy I know but please just be firm and set boundaries with ss or you're in for a whole heap of mess

I out household, I go all the meal planning, cooking etc. DH does all the laundry, drying, putting away.

You have the patience of a saint, @Pingedoff

I would seek urgent psychiatric assessment for you SS as his problems sound complex and deep-rooted. When he hits 18, I imagine it could be harder for you to manage him/get NHS. Your GP needs to know he frequently threatens to kill people.

But the other urgent action needs to be around keeping people - esp women and girls - safe from him. This includes you, his sister and any girls he is interested in. Verbal and physical abuse and intimidation should be met with zero tolerance every single time - your DH needs to drive this.

I’m not surprised the 14yo girl’s parent is angry and talking to the police. Your DSS could be questioned about child abuse because of her age.

14 year old and 17 year old is very concerning…