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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

half term and parents with neurotypical children have no clue!

76 replies

Pearldrops · 27/10/2022 19:26

I took my children On a double play date today to Westfield Stratford - my eldest is 11 and wanted to meet her friend there- this was the location friend’s dad could drop. My 2nd child has high functioning autism/ masks a lot and refuses to go anywhere in the holidays .
It took a lot of persuading to agree and she only agreed if I took her friend who is also on the spectrum and has adhd.
They are both 8 years old, dd’s friend
is a lovely kind girl but extremely loud, doesn’t understand social situations and impulsive, this is obviously part of her needs.
I took them both to the Lego store-to take part in a hallowe’en hunt. DD’s friend who is also tall and looks much older was very excitable and running , shouting - given the nature of the task - all kids were doing it but she was more so.
No amount of reminding helped -
one parent very obviously kept on rolling her eyes at dd’s friend and tutting - she obv felt it was a poor parenting issue.
it was so sad for me to watch as the poor girl was just having fun and really can’t help herself- both my daughters were the only brown faces in there at that point also- so I felt like it also looked like I was the brown parent hasn’t taught child manners.
so am aibu - to go ask someone not to obviously give an innocent child daggers and eye rolls / expecting parents to realise half term is going to be noisy and there may always be more to the situation then they see?
this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced being judged and it puts me off or should we just leave?

OP posts:
Chickenpeppers · 27/10/2022 19:32

I would have asked why they are rolling their eyes and tutting at a child enjoying themselves, question them on what about that is an issue for them. 9 times out of 10 they get extremely uncomfortable and don't quite know what to say because they realise that they've been a prick.

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 19:35

I just ignore. Not sure why you’re mentioning colour-because the bystander thought both children were yours?

If people don’t have the brain to extrapolate that some children aren’t neurotypical, then they need educating, I would have to say something eg ‘Tutting won’t help, she’s autistic’. Not that you should have to explain, but it might stop the eye rolling. Or you could be a real horror and say ‘I’m surprised you haven’t fallen over, the amount of eye rolling you’re doing’.

I’m very quick to go too far, had to tell someone on a plane once that the child I was escorting wasn’t neurotypical due to their extreme overreaction to frankly minor behaviours. I was polite, but seriously, some people seem to live under rocks. Sometimes, you need to take a breath and realise that not all children are well-behaved wee robots and-shocker-it isn’t deliberate.

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 19:36

Chickenpeppers · 27/10/2022 19:32

I would have asked why they are rolling their eyes and tutting at a child enjoying themselves, question them on what about that is an issue for them. 9 times out of 10 they get extremely uncomfortable and don't quite know what to say because they realise that they've been a prick.

Lots more succinct than me and much more impactful.

Soapboxqueen · 27/10/2022 19:37

Tbh I never notice what other people are doing, though plenty people must give us odd looks considering ds's behaviour at times.

I just choose not to look because whatever happens, it isn't going to improve my day to see people scowling etc.

Nothing I say or do will change their minds either.

So unless they confront me, I just pretend they aren't there.

Justgetitoverwith · 27/10/2022 19:39

You shouldn't need this OP but everyone knows what's sunflower lanyard may signify thanks to covid etc, could be useful in future situations but 1) appreciate kids may have sensory issues about them and 2) why should you when obviously the general public just need more compassion

Scottishskifun · 27/10/2022 19:39

I would have said something but I have a neurotypical child my friend has a neurodiverse child. She doesnt challenge every eye roll or every look in her words she would be doing it all day.

I don't think your being unreasonable to challenge them but I do think tarring all parents of neurotypical children with the same brush is.

Itisbetter · 27/10/2022 19:40

Just carry on. Not everyone has to like you and you don’t have to like them. If it upsets the children then just say something.

wizzywig · 27/10/2022 19:42

Tbf most of you're lucky if they understand anytime of the year.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/10/2022 19:43

Yanbu

They don't have a bloody clue and it just highlights their own ignorance.

SleepyPlanet · 27/10/2022 19:52

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 19:35

I just ignore. Not sure why you’re mentioning colour-because the bystander thought both children were yours?

If people don’t have the brain to extrapolate that some children aren’t neurotypical, then they need educating, I would have to say something eg ‘Tutting won’t help, she’s autistic’. Not that you should have to explain, but it might stop the eye rolling. Or you could be a real horror and say ‘I’m surprised you haven’t fallen over, the amount of eye rolling you’re doing’.

I’m very quick to go too far, had to tell someone on a plane once that the child I was escorting wasn’t neurotypical due to their extreme overreaction to frankly minor behaviours. I was polite, but seriously, some people seem to live under rocks. Sometimes, you need to take a breath and realise that not all children are well-behaved wee robots and-shocker-it isn’t deliberate.

I do get where the op is coming from regarding colour. I'm Indian ethnically and I always feel as if I have to make sure that my children (and me as well) are better behaved as I don't want people to think that we don't know how to behave because we are Indian and also because I don't want to give other immigrants a bad name. Why I care I don't know and sometimes I have to remind myself to not have unfair expectations from my kids just because I worry about someone else's judgement. It's not just me though. Even though I've actually never discussed this with anyone my Indian dh does this as well (even more so than me) as do my other non white friends.

Op, I'm sorry you had a bad experience. Neuro diversity aside I don't know why people roll their eyes at kids just having fun as long as they aren't hurting anyone or damaging anything. You are right. I wish people were less judgmental. You never know what someone else has got going on.

I hope your kids and their friends didn't notice the eye rollers and had an amazing time!!

LimitIsUp · 27/10/2022 19:55

Pearldrops · 27/10/2022 19:26

I took my children On a double play date today to Westfield Stratford - my eldest is 11 and wanted to meet her friend there- this was the location friend’s dad could drop. My 2nd child has high functioning autism/ masks a lot and refuses to go anywhere in the holidays .
It took a lot of persuading to agree and she only agreed if I took her friend who is also on the spectrum and has adhd.
They are both 8 years old, dd’s friend
is a lovely kind girl but extremely loud, doesn’t understand social situations and impulsive, this is obviously part of her needs.
I took them both to the Lego store-to take part in a hallowe’en hunt. DD’s friend who is also tall and looks much older was very excitable and running , shouting - given the nature of the task - all kids were doing it but she was more so.
No amount of reminding helped -
one parent very obviously kept on rolling her eyes at dd’s friend and tutting - she obv felt it was a poor parenting issue.
it was so sad for me to watch as the poor girl was just having fun and really can’t help herself- both my daughters were the only brown faces in there at that point also- so I felt like it also looked like I was the brown parent hasn’t taught child manners.
so am aibu - to go ask someone not to obviously give an innocent child daggers and eye rolls / expecting parents to realise half term is going to be noisy and there may always be more to the situation then they see?
this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced being judged and it puts me off or should we just leave?

No, you should call the judgy cow out on it.

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 19:57

Im also Indian but don't feel the pressure to ensure my dc are perfectly behaved. Why would anyone need to think of this girl having any SN? All they probably saw was a big girl who should know how to behave better and being badly behaved. I took my dc to the park recently, an older looking child behaved really badly and annoying everyone else. Why would I think of this child as automatically having some sn?

Izadrennan · 27/10/2022 19:58

This honestly makes me so sad, my own child is highly likely to have adhd/autism (currently 6 months in waiting since urgent referral put into cahms by paediatrician), i really worry that this is going to be the reaction of adults wherever we go. Sorry not much help to the op but looking to pick up some advice and arm myself before we experience this for ourselves.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/10/2022 20:01

Try looking at the situation through other people's eyes. Some posts are a bit OTT but you should get the gist of it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4663954-older-ladies-tutting-at-my-son-with-adhd?page=1

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 20:06

This is where the sunflower lanyards with the tag at the bottom which says "I Am Autistic" are handy.
My daughter has one.
I mean it won't stop some people tutting or whatever but it can help with awareness.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/10/2022 20:09

Yanbu - I would just ignore ignore ignore. It isn't going to change anything but make you feel more anxious. That said I know exactly why you feel even more 'out there' being the only brown faces - it's very difficult and people are much more likely to be judgemental.

BooksAndHooks · 27/10/2022 20:11

I also took mine to a Lego shop yesterday. My eldest is 16 but still wanted to do it and was getting a bit worked up because he was too old to do it, he also has Tourette’s so attracts attention. He won’t wear the sunflower lanyards. My DD wore the lanyard and there is a noticeable difference between how people behave around the two of them.

EarlofShrewsbury · 27/10/2022 20:18

My 6 year old has asd and adhd.

I am hyper aware that people stare and judge all the time.

In the summer I took my DC on a day out and I put the sunflower lanyard on her for the first time.

It made a massive difference, staff were more patient and I never once felt the need to explain that she has asd/adhd, where usually I do.

I also noticed that I was getting more sympathetic smiles than judgy looks.

I really didn't think that the lanyard would make much difference when I put it on her and was actually surprised by the change in attitude towards her.

DeborahVance · 27/10/2022 20:21

I hear you OP, it's really hard.

Sirzy · 27/10/2022 20:22

It’s hard, it sounds like the nature of the event led to her being over stimulated which makes things harder all around. To be honest I’m in awe at you taking two Autistic children to such an event.

i think sometimes its case of needing to grow a thick skin and realise just like they don’t know your life you don’t know theirs. I can well imagine DS being a “tutter” when he is an adult because due to the nature of his autism he struggles with the noise of others (to be honest him becoming a tutter would be a gain on where we are now with him telling people to be quiet!)

Doihavetogotoworkdotcom1 · 27/10/2022 20:24

You are unreasonable to think it was a race problem because the girls have brown faces.

SophieJo · 27/10/2022 20:25

I think the sunflower lanyard is a very good idea.

HailAdrian · 27/10/2022 20:26

The thing is, if they are the types to tut and be openly disapproving, they will probably think we are using special needs to excuse 'unwanted' behaviour.

On the flip side, my child had an awful meltdown in public recently, I was clearly struggling and several women were absolutely lovely to me (and him). I really really appreciated that kindness when I was in a difficult situation and it gave me faith in humanity for a bit!

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 27/10/2022 20:28

Try having an 18 year old autistic 6 footer who functions at about 2 years old both verbally and developmentally 🤷‍♀️
You soon learn to ignore the rude people who tut or stare because as long as he's happy ain't nobody going to make me unhappy 🤷‍♀️

User359472111111 · 27/10/2022 20:39

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 27/10/2022 20:28

Try having an 18 year old autistic 6 footer who functions at about 2 years old both verbally and developmentally 🤷‍♀️
You soon learn to ignore the rude people who tut or stare because as long as he's happy ain't nobody going to make me unhappy 🤷‍♀️

You are an awesome mum.