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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

half term and parents with neurotypical children have no clue!

76 replies

Pearldrops · 27/10/2022 19:26

I took my children On a double play date today to Westfield Stratford - my eldest is 11 and wanted to meet her friend there- this was the location friend’s dad could drop. My 2nd child has high functioning autism/ masks a lot and refuses to go anywhere in the holidays .
It took a lot of persuading to agree and she only agreed if I took her friend who is also on the spectrum and has adhd.
They are both 8 years old, dd’s friend
is a lovely kind girl but extremely loud, doesn’t understand social situations and impulsive, this is obviously part of her needs.
I took them both to the Lego store-to take part in a hallowe’en hunt. DD’s friend who is also tall and looks much older was very excitable and running , shouting - given the nature of the task - all kids were doing it but she was more so.
No amount of reminding helped -
one parent very obviously kept on rolling her eyes at dd’s friend and tutting - she obv felt it was a poor parenting issue.
it was so sad for me to watch as the poor girl was just having fun and really can’t help herself- both my daughters were the only brown faces in there at that point also- so I felt like it also looked like I was the brown parent hasn’t taught child manners.
so am aibu - to go ask someone not to obviously give an innocent child daggers and eye rolls / expecting parents to realise half term is going to be noisy and there may always be more to the situation then they see?
this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced being judged and it puts me off or should we just leave?

OP posts:
WHEREEL · 27/10/2022 22:02

so am aibu - to go ask someone not to obviously give an innocent child daggers and eye rolls / expecting parents to realise half term is going to be noisy and there may always be more to the situation then they see?

this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced being judged and it puts me off or should we just leave?

Struggle to maintain normal social norms, showing physical distress at load noises, unable to control her emotions. As others have said, there’s lots of sign this women may have been neurodivergent too.

If you want others to understand there may be more to a situation then you need to understand this too

Original poster
Pearldrops · 27/10/2022 22:02

Hi guys ,
thanks for everyone that’s responded.
it’s interesting hearing diff peoples responses -

with regards to going to Westfield Stratford as I explained in the op - This was something my eldest ( 11 yr old dd) had arranged with her friend - who’s dad had booked something else there with his son. I dont have option of leaving 2nd dd anywhere so her and friend came along and were perfectly happy having lunch at pizza express, playing in the play ground, getting their faces painted, buying a specific toy they’d planned and going to the Lego store.
my aibu wasn’t the location …

I mentioned brown faces because perhaps my lived experiences have been of being racially abused / judged -
shouted at, ‘ why can’t my lot shut (my 3 year old dd at the time up ‘ when she was having a meltdown
sometimes (rightfully or wrongfully) it is there as another add on in the background - I’m not someone that has ‘pulled out the race card’ but sadly whether some people of colour may not have experienced it - many of us have and we worry for our kids.

I also know children that look older are assumed to be expected to behave a certain way

my daughter may agree to wear a lanyard, but the other child wouldn’t - but it’s something to consider.
When a child is visibly disabled it’s very easy to understand, wish there was an actual answer.

that being said, I’ve had wonderfully positive experiences too.
just sad that some people think it’s ok to eye roll and tutt at a child.

OP posts:
healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 22:08

You were in a kids store playing a game what did they expect, not like you were in a library

OoooSweetChildOMine · 27/10/2022 22:08

Honestly. No idea what a sunshine
Lanyard means. So not everyone know this.

I wouldn't ever take my kids to Westfield. It's a sensory overload & probably the least relaxing place ever. We are all "neurotypical". But it is my idea of a nightmare.

I would ignore other people op. You sound like a lovely mum.

AnightwiththeTiger · 27/10/2022 22:09

Mum of three kids with SEN and EHCPs and wild horses wouldn’t drag me to Westfield with them. It’s such a stimulating place especially anything to do with Lego. In fact, the Lego shop and indeed Lego land, and a dreadful afternoon at “Brick” in an exhibition centre, have been the focal points of the most shocking meltdowns ever. My middle one is usually the most compliant and ended up stiff backed and heels drumming and then in shut down after the last Lego episode. I feel for you though. Fist bump of solidarity for giving it a good go.

NellyBarney · 27/10/2022 22:17

'Itisbetter · Today 20:49

I’ve never came across that @NellyBarney and why would they be there if that was the case? Did ALL your adult relatives get diagnosed?'

Autistic parents have dc too who like Lego, and so get stressed themselves when confronted with noise and chaos, and also get worried about their autistic children getting stressed by exuberantly behaving dc around them. My family members were diagnosed together with their dc, as it became obvious that it runs in the family. I'm not saying everyone who tuts is autistic, but autistic people do get stressed by noisy dc and have fewer social filters, so at least the autistic members of my family are more likely to get worked up about and criticise autistic behaviour.

CarefreeMe · 27/10/2022 22:18

When a child is visibly disabled it’s very easy to understand, wish there was an actual answer.

I agree.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter if your children have needs or not.

You’ll always get some busy body judging you but know that the majority aren’t and they’re probably just sympathising with you.

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 22:46

@OoooSweetChildOMine the sunflower lanyard is a lanyard to wear which signifies a person has a hidden disability. This could be anything from autism, to being deaf, non verbal, or even a medical condition like diabetes. Wearing the lanyard on its own doesn't really help much (it's relying on people knowing what it is) but you can get clip on tags which have details on. You could really just put these on any old lanyard. They are a bit like a medical alert bracelet in a way.

Livelovebehappy · 27/10/2022 22:48

PrawnMinister · 27/10/2022 21:52

I really don't like the use of 'brown faces'. Brown skinned people have brown skin everywhere. Singling out the colour of their face reminds me of 'black face'. It's disrespectful and invokes racist connotations.

Give over….the OP is talking about her own child, and if she feels comfortable with that description, then it’s no-one else’s business to police what she says. 🙄

Blocked · 27/10/2022 22:56

PrawnMinister · 27/10/2022 21:52

I really don't like the use of 'brown faces'. Brown skinned people have brown skin everywhere. Singling out the colour of their face reminds me of 'black face'. It's disrespectful and invokes racist connotations.

If OP wants to describe her own children that way who are you to object?

CheezePleeze · 27/10/2022 22:59

I'm not going to be 'that white person' who denies racism exists OP, but as you know, Stratford is an extremely diverse area so I'd be surprised if it was that but of course you never know.

Mojoj · 27/10/2022 23:02

CarefreeMe · 27/10/2022 22:01

YABU

My DC has SN and I work with kids with SEND all of which have EHCPs.

There are behaviours that they cannot help but they all would be well behaved else they need to leave.

As part of the unit they are taken on many trips like theme parks, zoos, on trains and in shops.
We do this partly as a treat and to teach independence but also to teach them how to behave in public places.

Granted this wasn’t your child and it doesn’t sound like she was being naughty but It really bugs me that everyone labels their kids as having SN as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I’m glad there is more awareness nowadays but it tars all SN kids as being badly behaved which just isn’t true.

You can have SN and follow the rules/behave.

Except some kids with SN are not deliberately breaking rules and behaving "badly". They're just being themselves. Not all kids with SN are able to follow rules, all of the time. As for the tutters out there, it's not your problem OP. It's theirs.

OoooSweetChildOMine · 27/10/2022 23:08

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 22:46

@OoooSweetChildOMine the sunflower lanyard is a lanyard to wear which signifies a person has a hidden disability. This could be anything from autism, to being deaf, non verbal, or even a medical condition like diabetes. Wearing the lanyard on its own doesn't really help much (it's relying on people knowing what it is) but you can get clip on tags which have details on. You could really just put these on any old lanyard. They are a bit like a medical alert bracelet in a way.

Thank you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/10/2022 23:23

When out with now adult ds (asd) when he was younger I used to ask the tutters, head shakers and eye rollers if they were okay. Most moved on, some told me how awful my child was and some some were visibly embarrassed.

I would not have used a lanyard. Why do others need to know his diagnosis?
As he got older he chose to tell people but it shouldn’t matter. I’m proud of who he is and if he offends others that their problem.

clarrylove · 28/10/2022 07:36

Running in a packed store full of kids/pushchairs etc sounds dangerous though. Nothing wrong with playing loudly but at the point accidents can happen I think you should've intervened or left if necessary.

Minimalme · 28/10/2022 07:53

I think not take my youngest with ADHD to places he can cope with.

Yesterday we popped into Waitrose and after 5 minutes he was lying face down in the floor and telling the entire shop that he hated Waitrose.

Never again. It wasn't fair to put him through something which stresses him out.

Lots of tutting and eye rolling from other shoppers but I am a zen master in the art of blanking people out.

I don't try to explain to people - it is never worth the effort and I genuinely don't care if they think my son is a brat and I am a shit parent. He isn't and I'm not.

Minimalme · 28/10/2022 07:55

Gah! I don't take my youngest out to places he can't cope with...fat fingers!

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 28/10/2022 08:01

My autistic 9 year old, who also has ADHD, is a dream during half term. He gets unfettered access to the computer and all I have to do is poke him every few hours to make sure he's still alive.

Hellothere54 · 28/10/2022 08:21

I think that you can usually tell the difference between a child who is deliberately being naughty and a ND child who is just reacting to external stimuli if you look. A ND child literally cannot help themselves, a NT child is usually behaving in a certain way for effect and will be watching to see if they get the reaction they wanted/needed. Instead of rolling their eyes they would have been better off looking for clues that might explain that behaviour!

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 28/10/2022 08:36

I remember when my boy was a lot younger and he was having a meltdown in a shopping center.A woman was staring so hard while she walked and tutted that she fell over a bin 🤣.
An older couple went upto her and I thought they were going to help her up but the elderly man shouted "karma is a bloody wonderful thing " 🤣.
Everyone in the whole area just laughed at her and I hope that incident taught her a lesson that day!

wizzywig · 28/10/2022 08:43

@BringBackCoffeeCreams brilliant!!!

ABJ100 · 28/10/2022 08:45

Instead of rolling their eyes they would have been better off looking for clues that might explain that behaviour! Yes, because we all have the time or invested enough to be investigating for clues. Hmm

Sirzy · 28/10/2022 08:46

Hellothere54 · 28/10/2022 08:21

I think that you can usually tell the difference between a child who is deliberately being naughty and a ND child who is just reacting to external stimuli if you look. A ND child literally cannot help themselves, a NT child is usually behaving in a certain way for effect and will be watching to see if they get the reaction they wanted/needed. Instead of rolling their eyes they would have been better off looking for clues that might explain that behaviour!

unless it’s extreme I don’t think you can. It’s not a flashing light above someone’s head!

i think on the whole (not saying that is the case here as I wasn’t there) people tend to judge action - or more likely lack of - from the parents rather than the actions of the child themselves.

ArtemisFlop · 28/10/2022 11:26

@Pearldrops YANBU I have 7 year old with ASD, very highly sensitive and loud and no ability to pick up on social clues. It's heartbreaking to see other people's reaction to her. And you're right, very few people understand. Even people who know my daughter has ASD don't make the connnection between the ASD and whatever behaviour they find a bit 'off'. The worst is when friends with neurotypical children offer you parenting advice!!😳

ArtemisFlop · 28/10/2022 11:27

@ghostsandpumpkinsalready just read your post and it brought a (happy) tear to me eye!

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