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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

half term and parents with neurotypical children have no clue!

76 replies

Pearldrops · 27/10/2022 19:26

I took my children On a double play date today to Westfield Stratford - my eldest is 11 and wanted to meet her friend there- this was the location friend’s dad could drop. My 2nd child has high functioning autism/ masks a lot and refuses to go anywhere in the holidays .
It took a lot of persuading to agree and she only agreed if I took her friend who is also on the spectrum and has adhd.
They are both 8 years old, dd’s friend
is a lovely kind girl but extremely loud, doesn’t understand social situations and impulsive, this is obviously part of her needs.
I took them both to the Lego store-to take part in a hallowe’en hunt. DD’s friend who is also tall and looks much older was very excitable and running , shouting - given the nature of the task - all kids were doing it but she was more so.
No amount of reminding helped -
one parent very obviously kept on rolling her eyes at dd’s friend and tutting - she obv felt it was a poor parenting issue.
it was so sad for me to watch as the poor girl was just having fun and really can’t help herself- both my daughters were the only brown faces in there at that point also- so I felt like it also looked like I was the brown parent hasn’t taught child manners.
so am aibu - to go ask someone not to obviously give an innocent child daggers and eye rolls / expecting parents to realise half term is going to be noisy and there may always be more to the situation then they see?
this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced being judged and it puts me off or should we just leave?

OP posts:
NellyBarney · 27/10/2022 20:47

It's actually quite likely that the tutting mother was on the spectrum herself. It's rather difficult for autistic people to tolerate noise, and in stressful situations it's tough for neurodiverse people to mask. Many people in my family are on the spectrum and I always thought they were narcissistic/selfish/mean/cold until I understood they all had special needs.

Itisbetter · 27/10/2022 20:49

I’ve never came across that @NellyBarney and why would they be there if that was the case? Did ALL your adult relatives get diagnosed?

tearsandtiaras · 27/10/2022 21:06

Missing the point of the thread but why would you use westfield stratford as a playdate location?!!!

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 21:17

@tearsandtiaras the OP said they went for an event at the Lego Store. If in London that's either the 2 Westfield's or Leicester Square store.
I personally hate Westfield Shepherd's Bush - but go there simply because it has Lego Store.

tearsandtiaras · 27/10/2022 21:18

She said westfield stratford in op. The lego store is tiny and is a shop at the end of the day. It is a shopping mall. Packed always and ram packed at half term

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 21:19

@tearsandtiaras yes but they went there for a specific event. Lego Store does events - especially at half term.

tearsandtiaras · 27/10/2022 21:22

I know !!!!!! Ive lived nect to it for a decade! Its hardly an ideal place for a double playdate esp with children with issues such as the ones OP raises

Sillybanana · 27/10/2022 21:25

I think I wouldn’t be able to help saying something..I’d probably catch their eye while they were eye rolling and say something like “you do realise she’s autistic and can’t help being noisy? Have a bit more empathy”. Loudly! Serves them right!

MummyGummy · 27/10/2022 21:25

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 19:57

Im also Indian but don't feel the pressure to ensure my dc are perfectly behaved. Why would anyone need to think of this girl having any SN? All they probably saw was a big girl who should know how to behave better and being badly behaved. I took my dc to the park recently, an older looking child behaved really badly and annoying everyone else. Why would I think of this child as automatically having some sn?

This is exactly why there needs to be more awareness and acceptance of hidden disabilities and neurodivergence. If you had considered they had SN maybe you wouldn’t have judged them as just being ‘badly behaved’.

AloysiusBear · 27/10/2022 21:25

The thing is, neurodiverse children are a minority. The vast majority of children are neurotypical of whom plenty are regularly not perfectly behaved. Which means that the statistically logical assumption is to assume that a child behaving like this is badly behaved/poorly parented. Most humans find it hard to hide their feelings &judgement. Of course they should not judge, and should not tut. But part of human society is open rejection/condemnation of socially unacceptable behaviour. We have quite literally evolved to do this.

AloysiusBear · 27/10/2022 21:27

This is exactly why there needs to be more awareness and acceptance of hidden disabilities and neurodivergence. If you had considered they had SN maybe you wouldn’t have judged them as just being ‘badly behaved’.

Why? Its more likely that they are badly behaved so why would we assume every naughty kid has SN? Doing that leads to social tolerance of bad behaviour, which is generally bad for us as a species.

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 21:28

@tearsandtiaras from the OP's post it seems the children were perfectly happy. Maybe they love Westfield.
My 14 year old autistic daughter enjoys going to the one at Shepherds Bush because she finds its familiar and knows where her favourite shops are - where as a recent day trip to another shopping mall in another part of the country let to a bit of a meltdown.
We're you one of the tutting parents?

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 21:29

were not we're (before the grammar police come along)

Shmithecat2 · 27/10/2022 21:33

Doihavetogotoworkdotcom1 · 27/10/2022 20:24

You are unreasonable to think it was a race problem because the girls have brown faces.

This - particularly in Newham Borough!

tearsandtiaras · 27/10/2022 21:35

Need more lego - theres always one ConfusedBiscuit whether your daughter with additional needs likes westfield or not is irrelevant. My point is a double play date of several children is a group with the parents- each to their own - i personally think its bizarre to meet as a group to socially interact in a small shop in a mall Lots of other lovely places in stratford very close by

Downtown123 · 27/10/2022 21:38

I think it’s so wrong that people have to wear them lanyards for people to understand them especially children. I don’t and would never walk around with a sign saying bipolar, adhd, asd, depressive episodes, tic disorder (as that is what I am diagnosed with) around my neck as it has fuck all to do with anyone

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 21:39

@tearsandtiaras so you never do 'playdates' at events aimed at children?
A relative of mine did a 'playdate' with a few of her friends and their kids at a pumpkin picking place, others I know have done 'playdates' at craft events at musuems.
They went there for an event - that just happened to be in a shop 🙄

GirlMama21 · 27/10/2022 21:40

Well done for taking the kids out OP and letting them be kids- and be happy! For all the tutters and disapprovers, I'm sure in the girls' eyes it was the best fun ever. While reading your post I could see DD (5) reacting in exactly the same way in such a situation and she is also tall for her age so looks older than she is.

It's hard to NOT worry about the judgemental attitudes of others as the parent of a ND child, but then I remind myself that DD is oblivious to what others think and in her eyes is wonderfully happy and living her best life. As their mummies that's ultimately all that matters to us ❤.

Needmorelego · 27/10/2022 21:41

@tearsandtiaras and it was the OP and 2 children at the Lego Store. Her other child and friend had gone off by themselves.
So 1 adult, 2 kids - so hardly a massive get together.

FatEaredFuck · 27/10/2022 21:44

Yanbu I'm so sorry.

Like others I have taken to wearing a sunflower lanyard on ocassion. We still get judgemental looks but some treat the kids with lovely kindness more so than when I'm not in the lanyard.

jellybeanteaparty · 27/10/2022 21:48

I am glad to hear that the sunflower lanyards are useful for some people. I wonder if having one with you so you have the option to use it. Perhaps getting it out mid tutting could be a bit passive aggressive though!

FatEaredFuck · 27/10/2022 21:50

AloysiusBear · 27/10/2022 21:27

This is exactly why there needs to be more awareness and acceptance of hidden disabilities and neurodivergence. If you had considered they had SN maybe you wouldn’t have judged them as just being ‘badly behaved’.

Why? Its more likely that they are badly behaved so why would we assume every naughty kid has SN? Doing that leads to social tolerance of bad behaviour, which is generally bad for us as a species.

Around 13-15% of children in mainstream schools have SEN so just over one in 10.

A playground during half term is presumably busy, so one child acting out visibly more so than the rest has a reasonable chance of having SEN. I wouldnt assume they did, but your anecdote isn't proof they didn't.

PrawnMinister · 27/10/2022 21:52

I really don't like the use of 'brown faces'. Brown skinned people have brown skin everywhere. Singling out the colour of their face reminds me of 'black face'. It's disrespectful and invokes racist connotations.

CarefreeMe · 27/10/2022 22:01

YABU

My DC has SN and I work with kids with SEND all of which have EHCPs.

There are behaviours that they cannot help but they all would be well behaved else they need to leave.

As part of the unit they are taken on many trips like theme parks, zoos, on trains and in shops.
We do this partly as a treat and to teach independence but also to teach them how to behave in public places.

Granted this wasn’t your child and it doesn’t sound like she was being naughty but It really bugs me that everyone labels their kids as having SN as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I’m glad there is more awareness nowadays but it tars all SN kids as being badly behaved which just isn’t true.

You can have SN and follow the rules/behave.

HorribleHerstory · 27/10/2022 22:02

YANBU for being upset that you felt your dc and friend were treated badly. I’m sorry that happened whatever the reasoning behind it.

YABU for assuming everyone with NT kids is ignorant of the needs of people with autism or other neurodivergence. My three kids are neurotypical, just one with some sensory issues. But I first encountered someone with diagnosed autism when I was one day old. I have spent most of my nearly 41 years communicating with, living with, advocating for and then caring for the two adults in my family with severe autism in some way. Including years of intimate care for a non-verbal adult who is stronger and heavier than me and prone to meltdowns. One has been arrested multiple times and I can assure you nobody has sympathy there either. My relatives pushed for, and got, an severe autism diagnosis in the 1950s. Im bloody proud of them. Please do realise that experience with autism is not confined to a 21st century new parent.