Would you set up a go fund me for a drug addict?

[Needabreakfromthislife]

My brother recently was caught shoplifting and our police force posted it on Facebook that he was jailed. Their was 100’s of comments on how sad they were to see what has happened to
my lovely brother. So many nice comments about how much of a nice person he is.

he desperately needs help and me and his old school friends and my family have come together. We are all going to try and give him the support he needs this time round.

but it is going to cost 1000’s he needs rehab counselling from past trauma. I’m thinking about renting him somewhere near me (away from hometown) I have some savings but not enough so desperately need to raise this for when he comes out.

AIBU to do this? I don’t know how else I can do it.

Im not wanting to hijack the thread but I’m watching and finding some of the expert advice here useful.

I think a lot of addiction is trauma - and the chaos of substance abuse seems to create more trauma. What is the best way to tackle that?

Is one therapeutic approach better than another? I’ve heard of trauma informed practice but don’t really know what it is.

Its very sad loving someone with these issues. Huge love OP 💐

Therapy and medicated assistance eg methodone suboxone etc. rehab is not much different to a prison they’ll medically detox you but unless you have £100,000 even the private ones are crap, ex addicts working as counsellors trying to pass them off as fully qualified therapists, People who are coming back for the 10th time, op I know your trying to help but it’s his decisions he needs to hit rock bottom and seek help himself , I’ve had to go through it all it’s devastating watch someone turn into someone you don’t even recognise anymore , tough love was the only way to go in the end, anything you do to make his life easier will just backfire Imo. Addiction always has a root cause they use to help with trauma bad mental health etc they feel good feel normal and carefree but then they’ve now created a new problem a drug addiction that they can’t get out of, they use drugs to cover up their feelings and sink deeper and deeper you can lock them up 10 years if you don’t deal with the mental side they’ll come straight back out and use, I wouldn’t set a go fund me up I’d let him either continue or ask for real help himself as harsh as that is.

Jesus Christ, no!

Op I honestly think your being really naive about it all. Has he seeked any help at all himself ? Could you not get a loan to pay for it instead ?

I would donate. And I've seen people do really well after such go fund me support and really turn things around for themselves. And sure isn't that the point. I find it strange all the people saying "he needs to want to be helped" what's to say he doesn't? Is he supposed to want to get help and then do it alone and when/ how exactly do we class that as him being deserving of said help? We're awful good at judging but sure doesn't it take a village. Yes addiction is for life and something he'll always struggle with but it's the village that will keep him on track not leaving him to his own devices.

I guess this wasn't his first time in prison?
If he was in prison before did he leave clean?

No sorry I wouldn’t. He needs to try the ones with the nhs first or the free ones. Addicts relapse time and time again so if you raise enough for a first attempt and he relapsed again who will pay for the 2nd or more goes. Only he and he himself can admit they want to be helped and he alone needs to do that first step alone.

@Cw112 thank you, I’m not sure where people are getting it from that he doesn’t want to be clean when he does. Im just here to ask advice on what they think of it. He went to prison before but only for a few weeks and was on methadone when he left. But he just went back to his usual lifestyle.

he isn’t a bad person at all he has a heart of gold, he was a 100m athlete before he turned to drugs it was his life. But he tried heroin once after finding out his daughters mum was having a baby with his best friend. It broke his heart and ever since he has been addicted. He also found my other brother dead when he was 16 whilst we was on holiday so that kind of messed him up too.

Yes he’s supposed to want help himself, unless you have lived with an addict I don’t think you can say how it is it’s absolutely horrific nothing you say or do stops them , you can Molly coddle them all you want find centres rehabs help the list goes on if they arnt determined to do it it’s a pointless waste of time and money, at the end of the day he made the decision to try drugs I fully sympathise that people can’t get off them the addiction is horrific but it’s not the 1970s people know what drugs will do to them , if he wants help and comes begging then help from a distance but I wouldn’t be running around getting accommodation and asking people for money for rehab. He got himself into this mess he needs to get himself out of it.

Op drugs change a person until they arnt even a person anymore, but you need to stop the excuses with his addiction, he just randomly decided to try heroin so he must of already been caught up with the wrong people to even be around it etc, I’ve known users and it takes a few month to get a bad addiction, if they were honest because a few are they took it liked it didn’t care and continued. He made a bad decision and it shouldn’t have to affect him for the rest of his life but it will even if he’s clean it won’t ever not be a worry, can he not seek help in prison? I do hope he gets some support if he truly wants to get clean I’m being harsh oo because they usually let you down.

I honestly don't think moving does much. My uncle has moved to so many areas and after a few weeks or months he meets the same "type" of people again. And it starts again. I don't know what the solution is though, as he's never got clean

Can I ask if you/ your family are even in contact with your brother right now? The fact that you saw she had been sent to prison from a police post makes me think you don't talk to him right now.

Do you know how long he is in prison for?

No, I wouldn't donate to a GFM for this purpose. I have a relative who went to prison for similar drug fuelled offences about 2 1/2 years ago and she actually had a lot of support to get clean and from probabtion. She is now 2 years clean, runs her own NA group, has a small flat and just started a part time job.

My relative said she needed to properly hit rock bottom to get clean and prison wasn't even her wake up call but she didn't say what happened to make her want to get clean. It might be that if you raised the money, got him a secure roof over his head etc then you would be stopping him hitting his rock bottom.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, the worry we would get that phone call when my relative was using was constantly on our minds.

Lots of addicts are lovely guys. Is it only since he's now in serious trouble that he suddenly wants to get clean and turn his life around? I hate to say it but I can see you back here in a few months not knowing what to do because he just carried on using drugs and it was all a complete waste of time. It's not even about him accessing the funding for drugs either. Addicts fund their habits any way they can and getting him help to deal with his trauma isn't going to stop him finding a way to carry on using. If he wanted to get help and turn his life around he wouldn't need crowdfunding to help him deal with his past trauma - he'd be doing it himself because it was what he really wanted. Methadone programs are available but more often than not the people on them still buy smack anyway because meth just doesn't give them the same hit. That's not something you're going to change buy helping him deal with his trauma. This has to come from him and only him, not because you feel guilt or obligation to be his saviour. You see addicts begging all the time on the high street and oddly it always seems to be old ladies who think they are being kind that keep giving them money, completely ignoring the fact they are actually killing them and contributing to ongoing anti social behaviour and aggressive begging. Don't be one one those old ladies thinking you're doing a good turn when in actual fact you're a part of the problem.

I knew two people who died from heroin overdoses. In both cases, they were both clean and had been for a while (at great expense from their families by sending them into rehab), and both relapsed just once, but took the dose they were used to taking when they’d been using, which was way too much for their systems to cope with.

By contrast, an ex of mine went to an NHS rehab, got clean, and over 20 years on is still clean. He had been to prison too (theft to pay for his habit).

My point is, you can throw tens of thousands on rehab but it means jack shit if they’re not determined to stay clean. HE needs to seek the support, and really want it. For that reason I wouldn’t donate.

YABU but I do understand where you are coming from, but just No

I wouldn't and I've never heard of anyone going to prison for shoplifting

I would and I completely understand why you want to try. You’ve got a big heart, he’s lucky to have you.

The only way you can help him is if he wants to help himself first. They only stop if they really want to, snd work st it. The opinions of family don't count, compared to their habit. I wouldn't support a gofundme for this unless I knew that he was desperate to stop in any case. Otherwise it's wishful thinking. I'm sorry you are all in this situation, though.

I can see why you would want to try and hopefully people may contribute but I wouldn't - sorry. Within my line of work there are many people who are in need of additional support through trauma and that's where I would always give any monetary support. I hope your brother gets the help he needs.

Dear OP

Good luck with this - it's really good that you care enough about your brother to try to help in this way.
Please ignore the people who haven't read your posts properly, who say they wouldn't donate, in case the £ was spent on drugs... (!)
I would donate to something like this, if it was someone I knew who was desperate to stop taking smack or similar, and their family was organising some form of collective support for them to do so.
I would agree with other PPs who have said that it's worth finding out what the prison & probation services can offer, as well as the drug services that exist locally to you - see what your brother may be able to access for free - and use the crowdfunded money wisely as a back-up to those resources. This could be to cover living expenses in a new place (away from his old life and friends, and closer to you), or for some specific therapy/ counselling, or for some new vocational training that would help him establish a new career, or something else...
Do arrange to visit him for a proper, serious chat about the different options and what exactly he's thinking, and what he's prepared to do. Is he currently stuck on methadone? Would he be willing to get off that before his release date? Would the prison allow that? Has he ever been prescribed buprenorphine and did that work better for him?
Again, it's great that you care about him, and are looking for ways to help - please don't give up on him!

Yes, I would donate.

If you manage to raise the money to fund it, what makes you think that "this time" will be any different?

I wouldn't as there is no garuntee he will stick it out. From personal experience he could give up on the first day and thats thousands down the pan. Money donated by friends and family wasted which could even lead to resentment towards him and yourselves.

I think it's great that you are such a supportive sister, and having him live near you when he comes out of prison, so that he doesn't go right back to drug using friends, sounds good, as long as he engages with local addiction support services.

Could his old friends reach out to him and give him social support too?

And I know this sounds harsh, but is he/are you making excuses about trauma being the reason he uses heroin - he was betrayed by his girlfriend and his friend, but he had a child and betrayed her by becoming a heroin addict.

I'd worry that he wouldn't commit to rehab if he feels as if using is not his responsibility - that betrayal excuse will always be there. As much more experienced people than me have said, if he doesn't want to do it he's not going to do it for you, and private rehab is not going to be anymore effective than NHS services.

Good luck with whatever you do.

There should be follow on treatment after prison.

I have seen young men with addiction come out if prison looking great, clean, but then it's back to square one as the supports aren't available.

Just be there if he needed to chat.
I understand that you are terrified of loosing him.

I hope he turns thing's around.

Trauma therapy with no pressure to stop drugs might encourage change.