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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you set up a go fund me for a drug addict?

101 replies

Needabreakfromthislife · 27/10/2022 16:57

My brother recently was caught shoplifting and our police force posted it on Facebook that he was jailed. Their was 100’s of comments on how sad they were to see what has happened to
my lovely brother. So many nice comments about how much of a nice person he is.

he desperately needs help and me and his old school friends and my family have come together. We are all going to try and give him the support he needs this time round.

but it is going to cost 1000’s he needs rehab counselling from past trauma. I’m thinking about renting him somewhere near me (away from hometown) I have some savings but not enough so desperately need to raise this for when he comes out.

AIBU to do this? I don’t know how else I can do it.

OP posts:
MrsMacnair · 27/10/2022 18:52

People get sent to prison for shoplifting all the time. Addicts are usually repeat offenders. They may get off the first few times but if they don’t stop they do get sent to prison.
My uncle was an addict and had been in prison several times for shoplifting. He had no convictions for anything else, only shoplifting.

Also op rehab will only work if your brother truly wants the help. If he’s not ready to commit 100% then no amount of money and rehab will work.

My uncle had to hit rock bottom, he was on the bones of his arse before he asked for help.
Before that the family had tried every which way to help him. But nothing worked. He had to want to do it, he got himself clean and sorted himself out. We thought it was over. It wasn’t!
I won’t go into detail but several years down the line he fell off the wagon and the drugs killed him (not overdose) due to damage that had been already been done to his body.

So for that reason I’d be wary of donating to his cause.

DontGoBreakingMyHeart · 27/10/2022 18:52

No.

he has to want to do it for himself. But added to that, you are setting yourself up for all kinds of problems here, including the backlash against you when it becomes public knowledge that you are funding the local drug addict who is doing time for his crimes.

And before you look at getting him to rehab you need to be honest with yourself. He isn’t doing time for shoplifting. People don’t go to prison for that. So what is it? Dealing? Supply? How many of the local kids has he led into addiction or worse?

It’s one thing to seek help for someone whose addiction has pushed him towards the edge and who wants help, but it’s quite another to do a collection for a local criminal whose crimes will be a matter of public record.

Motnight · 27/10/2022 18:53

Needabreakfromthislife · 27/10/2022 17:06

NHS waiting list is too long, don’t have the time to wait he has deteriorated badly. He got clean before when he went to a clinic but didn’t last long as he just went back home to all the same people and drugs again.

And how will that change?

MrsMacnair · 27/10/2022 18:53

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/10/2022 17:37

Surely he wasn't sent to prison for shoplifting?

Sorry I forgot to quote you on the first part of my message

Forestfever · 27/10/2022 18:56

Not answering your question exactly but would you consider a place abroad? I recently know someone who went abroad to get clean. A fraction of the cost for a longer, more intensive programme in a rehab place out there. If you want details then let me know but it's worked well for them.

LoveMyCats1 · 27/10/2022 19:04

I'd not donate to something like that but if you and your friends want to put money together then go for it. My single parent neighbour died a few months ago and I donated via go fund me to her 2 teen kids who still lived at home and have since had to leave as it was a council property.

Sceptre86 · 27/10/2022 19:06

Yanbu to set up a fund you are his sister and clearly love him. Would I as a stranger contribute, absolutely not. Would others who knew him perhaps.

BananaCocktails · 27/10/2022 19:07

I am a drug and alcohol practitioner and rehab will be funded by his local authority via your local drug and alcohol team
its free including aftercare
he wouldn’t need a go fund me and if u did raise it please do not give him the money directly

OrigamiOwls · 27/10/2022 19:07

Does he want to get clean? The change has really got to come from him.

But...YANBU to set a GoFund me up. But people would not be unreasonable to not donate to it.

BananaCocktails · 27/10/2022 19:10

Also he needs rehab prep. It’s pretty tough . He should be accessing his local drug service who will test his motivation
if he can complete pre rehab groups twice a week for at least 6 weeks ( rehab is all about sitting in groups most of the day ) be clean from all substances and be willing to give up his phone for the first two weeks then be us ready
but you would be crazy to pay for rehab without doing the prep first
this is why it’s always best going via your local drug service not only is rehab free they also do all the prep work - free

ParkheadParadise · 27/10/2022 19:13

I wouldn't set up a go fund me.
My dd went into rehab 3 times before she finally got clean.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 27/10/2022 19:20

DontGoBreakingMyHeart · 27/10/2022 18:52

No.

he has to want to do it for himself. But added to that, you are setting yourself up for all kinds of problems here, including the backlash against you when it becomes public knowledge that you are funding the local drug addict who is doing time for his crimes.

And before you look at getting him to rehab you need to be honest with yourself. He isn’t doing time for shoplifting. People don’t go to prison for that. So what is it? Dealing? Supply? How many of the local kids has he led into addiction or worse?

It’s one thing to seek help for someone whose addiction has pushed him towards the edge and who wants help, but it’s quite another to do a collection for a local criminal whose crimes will be a matter of public record.

Of course people go to prison for shoplifting!

Original poster
Needabreakfromthislife · 27/10/2022 19:24

The money wouldn’t be given to him obviously, I would keep it and arrange everything for him. He went to rehab center about 2 years into his addiction we’re about 7 years in now.

He said he really wants to be clean now but he cant cope with all the thoughts in his head, so I think we need to tackle his trauma.

at the end of the day if he died I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I have already lost one brother. So I feel like I need to at least try.

can I just say I appreciate everyone’s advice on help that I can probably get for him and I will look into it when I get chance x

OP posts:
Original poster
Needabreakfromthislife · 27/10/2022 19:25

@Smallonesaremorejuicy Yes he got 24 weeks for shop lifting. Probably outing myself here if anyone is local to me but passed the point of caring.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needabreakfromthislife · 27/10/2022 19:27

@Forestfever could you send me some info please. Thank you x

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 27/10/2022 19:30

Get him to engage with the Mental Health team in prison as a first step.

PotentiallyPolly · 27/10/2022 19:37

Is this the same man that assaulted paramedics and another man? If so I hope you’re making everyone aware of that on the go fund me.

Rockingcloggs · 27/10/2022 19:37

No I wouldn't. Nor would I contribute but that doesn't mean I don't wish the best for your brother it's just that, as for everyone, money is tight and so if I am going to donate to charity it would be for something close to my own heart.

Good luck though.

slowquickstep · 27/10/2022 19:40

Sorry pressed YABU by mistake. I would contribute if he was really desperate to change

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/10/2022 19:41

No.
Because he clearly isn’t ready or able to commit to changing.
It'll be a waste of money.
There are services available in prison for people who want to get clean.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 27/10/2022 19:44

Needabreakfromthislife · 27/10/2022 19:25

@Smallonesaremorejuicy Yes he got 24 weeks for shop lifting. Probably outing myself here if anyone is local to me but passed the point of caring.

I would give to a go fund me for this reason . You don’t have to prove yourself about your brother’s sentence. I know people go to prison for shoplifting. I wish your brother well. I personally think the therapy counselling sounds positive.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 27/10/2022 19:44

Up, he didn't get 24 weeks for shoplifting. They took into account his other previous crimes and warrants. It was much more serious than simply shoplifting I wonder whether you are accepting his word for things rather than the reality.

TheNextChapter · 27/10/2022 19:46

I would recommend NA even in conjunction with other therapy/rehab. He really wouldn't have anything to lose.

Wasywasydoodah · 27/10/2022 20:02

Be very careful. I know a friend who set up a Gofundme page for a relative. Because the relative was a drug addict, friend planned to administer the money themselves to make sure it was spent well. The addict wanted the money so reported friend to the police. Police said my friend had to hand the money over. It probably went on drugs.

OneFootintheRave · 27/10/2022 20:10

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/10/2022 17:00

If he's ready to pack the drugs in, he can get referred through the NHS on his release from prison.

Otherwise, you'd be wasting your money as much as if you'd bought him smack with it.

This. He has to genuinely want rehab and admit he has a big problem.