AIBU Inlaws and money related

[Anon3316]

I’m really upset right now regarding MIL reaction. I don’t really want to discuss this with people in RL as it’s just awkward. I just spoke to my mum in the phone who told me I’m completely in the wrong and should apologise so I’m asking on here. That’s her usual reaction to anything in law related!

MIL off on holiday and her brother came over. We’re in the process of moving so she said to him “please help them when they move and hire some guys, don’t worry about payment we’ll pay you when we get back or you pay them”. I just absent mindly just said “no uncle, you don’t need to pay, just tell us their rate and we’ll pay on the day”.

Mil went bat shit crazy and screamed at me infront of everyone , I’m not gonna write word for word what she said but jist of it was I’m always like this and don’t see them as family and there’s no difference in the money. I replied back I said that as didn’t want them to feel I was taking advantage of them and in this country it’s polite to offer. She screamed more. I said to uncle : “I apologise if I offended you I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t want you feeling put out by us”.

im upstairs upset now. I’m avoiding her for a few mins whilst I calm down. I’m thinking I’ll go down and explain what I meant or just leave it.

BTW it’s all confusing for me as they have never made me feel part of the family. When we come to see her she’s so lovey dovey to her son and our kids but ignores me! She could have had the conversation with her son but no decided it was me she would tell this too. I can’t even contact the uncle as don’t have his number only DH does do I kind of think she had the conversation with me to goad me or something.

she doesn’t understand manners like for example if I make tea I’ll ask just out of politeness but she gets pissed off and says “didn’t you see? I just had one an hour ago, why u asking me again”. Rather than a simple “no thanks”.

I absolutely hate her. She from India just for context. I’m Indian too but born and raised in the uk.

DH just came upstairs and said “don’t you tucking know Indian mentality, the kids don’t pay you dumb xxxxx”

I’m feeling really low and vulnerable right now. Can I please have some advice on how to navigate this faux paus?

You have literally done nothing wrong. Your MIL's reaction was completely uncalled for. I hope you are ok, OP.

YANBU

agree and so is your husband's response - disgraceful behaviour from both of them

If that’s the way your DH is talking to you, you have a bigger problem than your MIL.

Forget the MIL, leave the husband!

please let’s not make this into LTB. Right now I can’t, I want advice on how to deal with the Inlaws and uncles family as they’re downstairs waiting for me but I feel I’ve made a huge mistake

Both your mil and DH sound deeply unpleasant and disrespectful towards you. I can’t see that you have done anything wrong.

MIL fine.
DH a dick

I really find it so difficult navigating the Indian mentality. I just never know how to react. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut. The same uncle invited us over 5 years ago on Diwali and there were fireworks. At the end the wife said the fireworks cost x amount and if we can give our share! Like how do I navigate the money issues. I have no idea. If I offer I’m a bitch and don’t see them as family if I don’t I’m a CF. I really feel like I’m going crazy

She could have had the conversation with her son but no decided it was me she would tell this too.
Next time, just tell her "it's best if you discuss any arrangements direct with DH."

for example if I make tea I’ll ask just out of politeness but she gets pissed off and says “didn’t you see? I just had one an hour ago, why u asking me again”. Rather than a simple “no thanks”.
"Please don't speak to me so rudely, there is no need for it, a simple yes or no will do."
If she starts screaming - turn your back & walk away. Immediately.

DH just came upstairs and said “don’t you tucking know Indian mentality, the kids don’t pay you dumb xxxxx”
What a bastard.
Does he have form for allowing his mother to bully you, then punishing you for her horrible behaviour?

I’m feeling really low and vulnerable right now. Can I please have some advice on how to navigate this faux paus?
I'm not surprised.
In this instance, I'd advise that as you have not committed any faux pas, you have nothing to navigate.

The only thing I'd recommend is developing a VERY thick skin & a few go-to responses such as -
"MiL I'd appreciate it if you could stop being so rude" - "MiL I'm not here to be screamed at, stop being so melodramatic" - "MiL you are out of order & I am simply not going to engage with you while you are being so horrible to me" (& go out immediately).
The going-out isn't an ideal solution, but it gets you out of the stressful situation & demonstrates to her that you will NOT passively sit by & allow her to bully you.

I'm Indian too and its not uncommon for MILs to show authority by showing off that they pay and all the money is family money etc etc but shouting at you in front of relatives is absolutely not on
You need to explain to your husband that his behaviour and hers by ignoring you when you go round etc is unacceptable.

If she wants you to behave in an" Indian " way she needs to do the same with respect being mutual

@Karmakamelion please be honest and feel free to be as honest as possible. Being Indian yourself what would you think of what I said from uncles perspective?

It's going to go against the grain, but you can't change cultural norms. Go down, say that you wasn't thinking and apologise. I don't think that you can be absent minded around her. Your DH obviously wants to carry on and play the game (I've got friends whose parents are from India/Africa/Sri Lanka etc and that's what they call it). You want your marriage, so you'll have to play along. There's ways to stand up for yourself when it's one on one, but not with relatives around such as 'Uncle'. It's up to your DH to soften her and cushion you, so there are discussions to be had, but not now.

"waiting for you" ???
What - like they are your headmaster & you are being called into their office?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Go downstairs, get your coat, & announce that you are not here to be screamed at, won't tolerate it, & are going out until people have calmed down.

Do not engage with any comments about that.
Just keep walking & get the fuck out of there.

Sadly, when you get back even if they have gone, your arse of a husband will still be there. I imagine he'll want to keep blaming you for his mother's histrionics.
What can you do about that?
Only tell him to stop doing it, & if he refuses to stop ... LTB.

There is NO other option but continuing to tolerate it.
There's also no point in telling PP not to tell you that, when your options are so limited.
If you stay with this man & he keeps treating you like this, your mental health is going to become so compromised you are likely to become quite unwell. You will certainly have an very unhappy life. So, again ... is he ALWAYS like this?

Like how do I navigate the money issues. I have no idea. If I offer I’m a bitch and don’t see them as family if I don’t I’m a CF. I really feel like I’m going crazy

"Best to talk to DH about that - he always tells me I make cultural mistakes about family money issues, so I'm handing you over to him for that decision."

You did nothing wrong OP but you MIL and "D"H are disgusting.

Go down, say that you wasn't thinking and apologise.

SHE HAS NOT DONE ANYTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR.
If she offers craven words for doing nothing wrong, all she is going to get is more bullying.

This is not about the money this is about control .. You can't learn the rules because there aren't any .. the only rule is MIL will always be in control and by paying she is saying just that. Your DH reaction shows he is happy to support that power dynamic . It will never change unless you do something huge . Your mum has been raised with the same power dynamic so will reinforce your MIL and chief of all she surveys ( trust me I know)

To answer PP:

no I’m not happy and yes he is always like this. I do have a plan and know it won’t be always like this. I’m applying for jobs at the moment to help me get started.

yes MIL reaction I can see is about control and she does try to control every aspect of our lives. It comes across as “helping” but it is control.

i’m very unhappy but I can’t do anything right now till I sort myself out financially.

Honestly I’d quietly speak to my husband if I was you.

on the first score his mother screaming, this is highly unusual behaviour, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed anyone actually scream , so I think as she was doing this there is a deeper issue that you should all be very concerned about , and try to see what help she needs.

on your husband abusing you, that’s a different discussion and I’d speak to him about that too, for me it would be once and done. But I’m guessing that’s not the case for you.

I’m Indian too. Your in laws sound utterly toxic. And its compounded by the fact your H is taking her side.

I cannot believe your H swore at you and called you a dumb bitch.

this is going to get worse, your kids will treat you like this as they get older and learn this is how to treat you.

Oh that's awful OP!! Are you Indian yourself? If not, even less reason for them to be mad as you might not understand all the customs. I'm British and married to an Indian - yes I've definitely noticed my in-laws have a mentality of "our money is your money" and vice versa. However, even so I would still offer to have paid, like you did. There's no way my MIL would be angry and shout at me about it! Never! If she wanted to pay she'd say gently "No, I want to get this" but most likely she'd let us pay or contribute some of the cost. I can't believe everyone is ganging up on you (including your mum!!) when you were just trying to be polite.
As someone married to an Indian, I can see there are cultural differences but there's never any excuse for either side to be rude or abusive.

Judging my MIL and DH reaction they are all very unreasonable and badly behaved. Does your husband usually abuse you?

Problem is, if you don't get the apparent lack of respect and support from your dh, you'll never get to grips with the inlaws.