AIBU Inlaws and money related

[Anon3316]

I’m really upset right now regarding MIL reaction. I don’t really want to discuss this with people in RL as it’s just awkward. I just spoke to my mum in the phone who told me I’m completely in the wrong and should apologise so I’m asking on here. That’s her usual reaction to anything in law related!

MIL off on holiday and her brother came over. We’re in the process of moving so she said to him “please help them when they move and hire some guys, don’t worry about payment we’ll pay you when we get back or you pay them”. I just absent mindly just said “no uncle, you don’t need to pay, just tell us their rate and we’ll pay on the day”.

Mil went bat shit crazy and screamed at me infront of everyone , I’m not gonna write word for word what she said but jist of it was I’m always like this and don’t see them as family and there’s no difference in the money. I replied back I said that as didn’t want them to feel I was taking advantage of them and in this country it’s polite to offer. She screamed more. I said to uncle : “I apologise if I offended you I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t want you feeling put out by us”.

im upstairs upset now. I’m avoiding her for a few mins whilst I calm down. I’m thinking I’ll go down and explain what I meant or just leave it.

BTW it’s all confusing for me as they have never made me feel part of the family. When we come to see her she’s so lovey dovey to her son and our kids but ignores me! She could have had the conversation with her son but no decided it was me she would tell this too. I can’t even contact the uncle as don’t have his number only DH does do I kind of think she had the conversation with me to goad me or something.

she doesn’t understand manners like for example if I make tea I’ll ask just out of politeness but she gets pissed off and says “didn’t you see? I just had one an hour ago, why u asking me again”. Rather than a simple “no thanks”.

I absolutely hate her. She from India just for context. I’m Indian too but born and raised in the uk.

DH just came upstairs and said “don’t you tucking know Indian mentality, the kids don’t pay you dumb xxxxx”

This is horrible to read. From what I understand of Indian culture is that its very respectful, yet they are bullying you under the guise of Indian culture. As no one else is going to stick up for you, you need a stock response of "speak to your son", and "don't speak to me like that". Would you parents be able to give you moral support?

Then keep your head down, look after yourself, & very best of luck with your career.

Refer anyone talking about money to your DH using the phrase I suggested above, & while you work toward getting your freedom back, this technique might help you -
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

DH just came upstairs and said “don’t you tucking know Indian mentality, the kids don’t pay you dumb xxxxx”

Does your husband always speak to you like that? It’s a disgusting way to speak to you.
Your mil sounds as if nothing is ever going to satisfy her — her response to you regarding a simple cup of tea shows she’s just plain nasty.

If your husband usually speaks to you nastily, are you sure you want to stay with him —- and his toxic mother?

Right, well there is a clash of cultures here, I have an immigrant DH and foreign in laws as well. So while they’re being awful and frankly very unpleasant to you, there are a couple pieces of advice I can give you that might help smooth things over when these clashes happen:

”I replied back I said that as didn’t want them to feel I was taking advantage of them and in this country it’s polite to offer.”

Don’t say to foreign ILs in this country ever! No matter how nicely and sweetly or innocently you say it, they will hear it as a sneering in this country. If they weren’t screaming at you already, this is guarantees to set them right off.

”I said to uncle : “I apologise if I offended you….”

Don’t say the word “if” in apology to anyone. Sorry if I hurt you, sorry if I offended you as it says to the other person you don’t think you did anything wrong at all and they’re being complete twats to even complain.

You had done a cultural faux pas, albeit innocently and unintentionally. If you’re going to genuinely apologise for anything you never use “if” or “but” after the Sorry or I apologise.

He doesn’t understand manners either. I think it’s time you tell them that they are both very rude and ignorant.

As someone said upthread, don't bother trying to learn the rules. There aren't any. This is crazy-making behaviour, designed to control and intimidate. Take a deep breath and TRUST YOUR STORY.
I am also struggling with a difficult MIL and I know how hard it can be. I literally feel like I'm going crazy at times and no-one else in my family or workplace makes me feel this level of anxiety and self doubt that she does. I only had to read your post to think... I know EXACTLY what is going on here

It’s the stamping your authority on your DIL nonsense and your husband is a twat. The actual Indian way is “I’ll pay” “no no let me pay” “no I insist, we will pay” “please you are my children don’t argue” “ok ok thank you”. She wanted an excuse to put you in your place, awful woman.

Go and apologise say you just weren’t thinking then grey rock her. It will absolutely not be worth getting into an argument. Keep conversations to a minimum with your in-laws and let your idiot husband take the lead in all dealings with his mum. And yeah LTB. You shouldn’t have to do any of that but to keep your own sanity thats what I would do.

Strange my paste function just stopped, but wanted to do a second post addressing your DH. What he said to you was absolutely appalling. Those are not the words you’d use with anyone you profess to love and respect. I would be having it out with him in that what he said was verbally abusive and you’re not going to put up with it. If he’s got form for this, then I would be making plans to divorce. There is no sense in tolerating nasty ILs when it is for worse than nothing!- a husband that is abusive. No one deserves that.

Your husband and his mother are rude pieces of shit, who treat you like crap.

OP the fact is until your husband has your back nothing will change. Accept that or not, it's the bottom line. You have a DH PROBLEM.

As there seems to be a lot of cultural issues here that most of us aren’t familiar with Id say to deescalate this situation for now.

you’ve said to them that no offence was meant etc and from now on you will leave all cultural family issues to DH to arrange as he knows his family best. I’d just go downstairs and brazen it out. What else is left to say to them that you haven’t already said?

pretend you have Teflon coating shielding you and all their toxic ways just slide off and hit the ground.

if you are making plans to put yourself in a better position in the future - it’s about surviving this stuff for now.

his family - he can deal with it all.

make plans for the future and please don’t stay forever.

Don't blame "culture" for calling your DW a bitch.

From her pov you refused her help, and also came between her and her son and over rode her request that he help you.

She had no business to shout at you like that, though.

Had you said ‘thank you, that is so generous, but please, you must let us pay’ she would probably have said ‘no I insist’ and you would say thank you, and that would be that!

I have Indian in laws. I really hope I do not offend anyone if I say that it seems to me that in Western culture you are given high status by receiving a gift, and in Indian culture your honour and status is based on being a generous giver and host. Obviously there are nuances.

And your DH had no business talking to you like that! Dreadful.

Hi, sorry to hear about this.

I’d suggest that in future you should defer to your Mil to keep the peace, while you sort out your finances and your future. My ex-Mil used to do this and the best way was to say ‘Mil what would you like to do’ and not offer (which you and I would do) and just agree with what she wants. 🙄😕

I found offering for things be it time, money, etc - she felt it was her role, as her sons and dils were extensions of her and she chose where we went and what we did. It’s all to do with the ‘give and take’ mentality and also as a woman we are supposed to not offer unless told to and it looks like you are undermining her son 😢😩

I am not condoning this behaviour as ultimately I divorced and got out of that hellhole as my ex-h would not support me and after I helped my sil get ready for her wedding day - I was person non-grata for months! Made no sense at the time or even now as this was on their side of the family.

Dm me, if you want to talk about this old fashioned mindset as I just didn’t understand it at all.

Good luck and don’t take it to heart! 🌺🌺

This

@greentrees9 thank you x

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to me. It’s been lovely and insightful reading your messages. Thank you so much for the advice x

Good luck with everything OP. Stay focused and I hope you navigate your way out of this. Very best wishes.

I think it’s really worth you looking at your future and thinking about how they are treating you in front of your children. This is not unusual amongst Indian MIL. They’re well known for bullying their DIL. (Not all of them of course, but a lot of them).

take care & good luck

xxx

I’ve just been replaying everything in my head over and over again. If it wasn’t this she would have found something else to scream about. She literally always tells me off. I’m really not happy. I want to leave but without any financial security I just can’t.

im not happy with my husband he’s a really awful person. I’ve posted about him lots of times but I changed my username. He’s an awful man. I really wish things could be different.

Op I hope that you have found some of the replies on here useful.

Good luck.

PP asked about my family support, no my parents would never support me. They’ve made it clear if I divorce i’m on my own. They don’t care how he treats me. As far as they’re concerned they’ve married me off and I am no longer their responsibility. They will use a lot of emotional blackmail if I divorce.

I know it sounds morbid but once my parents are gone it will be easier for me to divorce. I know my mum will emotionally manipulate me. I once spoke to my mum about divorcing DH as I had a feeling he was gay, I still do. She told me if I divorce him then my father will kill himself with the shame. I still think DH is gay. We had kids via IVF. I obviously didn’t know early on he was otherwise wouldn’t have had kids. I didn’t have any previous relationships to compare with but as I’m getting older I’m realising things are not right. It took me a while but I’m quite sure. We don’t sleep in same bed which is his choice entirely. He disappears for days at a time without a word and he’s never shown interest in me physically.

Please don't wait for your parents to die before you leave your h.

It sounds as though both your side and your h's side of the family are toxic.