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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocklodger escape

75 replies

DarceyG · 27/10/2022 11:49

Just wanting to vent really and get this off my chest. Too embarrassed to tell my friends as I feel a bit silly.

Met a guy only around 6 weeks ago he seems to nice, American living in the UK.

Starting going on dates, when my child was with her father had some really good laughs we seemed very much alike and I started to really like him. We saw each just twice a week but texted a lot. Then it’s started, can you transfer me £20 just until my wage goes in tomorrow. Stupidly I did, already aware of the cocklodger from MN (thanks)

Then suddenly I was cooking dinner oh then can you just get a few beers on your way home I will give you the money.

Never saw any money so eventually on Saturday I had a few drinks and I can’t remember the words exactly but I basically said he was cocklodger! Barely heard from him after that so I just blocked him.

Feel really silly now for being such an idiot when I fully know what a cocklodger is! Feel like a need a good slap for not telling where to go after the £20

I consider myself fairly attractive and hold a good job why would some bloke think I’d need to pay for him to be around. Debt to my ego🥴

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 27/10/2022 11:58

Sounds like you're a nice person, who will give people the benefit of the doubt once, but won't let them take the piss out of you. Not sure what you'd need a good slap for.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/10/2022 12:02

Be proud that you realised really quickly and acted.

Good on you for calling him out. Cheeky bugger.

DenholmElliot1 · 27/10/2022 12:04

MangoBiscuit · 27/10/2022 11:58

Sounds like you're a nice person, who will give people the benefit of the doubt once, but won't let them take the piss out of you. Not sure what you'd need a good slap for.

This!

Onward and upwards now!

Sparkletastic · 27/10/2022 12:05

Well done for catching on so quickly. You are a catch not a piggy bank!

GasPanic · 27/10/2022 12:08

For me it would depend how honest they were up front.

If they said look I'm skint at the moment and can't afford to pay for anything then you can choose whether you want the relationship to proceed on that basis - who know it might just be a temporary blip ! Some people value love more than the odd £20 here or there.

OTOH if they tried to "stealth milk" me for cash I would be shot of them pdq.

Obki · 27/10/2022 12:11

Well done for acting on the cocklodger alert!

Then it’s started, can you transfer me £20 just until my wage goes in tomorrow. Stupidly I did, already aware of the cocklodger from MN (thanks)

How many times did he borrow money and did not pay back a penny if it?

And just tell future dates that you can’t lend money.

theemmadilemma · 27/10/2022 12:11

GasPanic · 27/10/2022 12:08

For me it would depend how honest they were up front.

If they said look I'm skint at the moment and can't afford to pay for anything then you can choose whether you want the relationship to proceed on that basis - who know it might just be a temporary blip ! Some people value love more than the odd £20 here or there.

OTOH if they tried to "stealth milk" me for cash I would be shot of them pdq.

100%.

Both exDH and DH were low earners when I met them, and turned into high earners with encouragement.

Obki · 27/10/2022 12:12

Both exDH and DH were low earners when I met them, and turned into high earners with encouragement.

This is a fallacy, you can’t change men, you can’t turn them into high earners.

I would block any man that asks to borrow money.

Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 12:15

GasPanic · 27/10/2022 12:08

For me it would depend how honest they were up front.

If they said look I'm skint at the moment and can't afford to pay for anything then you can choose whether you want the relationship to proceed on that basis - who know it might just be a temporary blip ! Some people value love more than the odd £20 here or there.

OTOH if they tried to "stealth milk" me for cash I would be shot of them pdq.

It was steadily ramping up, sob stories trying to guilt me. I’d feed anyone etc at my house but no he was more than that I just felt that this is what he does.

He hasn’t lived here very long and I got the whole story about having no family around but had i needed money I’d have too much pride to ask the person I’d just started dating.

I really enjoyed his company so I feel a bit sad which is ridiculous, he had the nerve to tell me I was getting to full on after I confronted him about the money! This is after him totally being full on for weeks.

well rid I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 12:22

Obki · 27/10/2022 12:11

Well done for acting on the cocklodger alert!

Then it’s started, can you transfer me £20 just until my wage goes in tomorrow. Stupidly I did, already aware of the cocklodger from MN (thanks)

How many times did he borrow money and did not pay back a penny if it?

And just tell future dates that you can’t lend money.

Just a couple but I would end up going to bank for more beers when he’d drank them all. After the first 2 weeks he didn’t put his hand in his pocket once just always excuses. I’m moving and it’s eating all my cash etc

OP posts:
Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 12:23

Obki · 27/10/2022 12:12

Both exDH and DH were low earners when I met them, and turned into high earners with encouragement.

This is a fallacy, you can’t change men, you can’t turn them into high earners.

I would block any man that asks to borrow money.

Yes I knew in my gut not to do it but still did it and that’s the reason I feel silly.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 12:27

Lucky escape OP! Good work!

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/10/2022 12:32

Yup, lucky escape and at a far lower cost than many eventually end up paying! Good work OP, I think you did well to get out of it so quickly!

Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 12:32

girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 12:27

Lucky escape OP! Good work!

I know it really is so I just don’t understand why the situation left me feeling low. My boundaries are way better now I’d never have spoke up like that in the past. I felt confused by his charming behaviour now I feel the ick from sleeping with someone like this.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 27/10/2022 12:41

Well done for nipping it in the bud. The next step would probably have been that his landlord is selling and could he crash at yours for a week or 2?
Then you would have massive problems.getting him out

Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 12:51

Georgeskitchen · 27/10/2022 12:41

Well done for nipping it in the bud. The next step would probably have been that his landlord is selling and could he crash at yours for a week or 2?
Then you would have massive problems.getting him out

Oh yeah I’m the time that I knew him he was calling in sick at work and I thought you’re going to be fired. I have a child and I wouldn’t have had him around her so soon anyways so he would have been out of luck.

OP posts:
Freespirit42 · 27/10/2022 13:05

True story I once went on a first date met a guy online we had arranged we will go to pub get some food and drinks and he hadn’t even bought any money so I think I might have bought him one drink but I ate in front of him because I was hungry. Needless to say didn’t see him again like wtf

TheSnugglyDuckling · 27/10/2022 13:11

DarceyG · 27/10/2022 11:49

Just wanting to vent really and get this off my chest. Too embarrassed to tell my friends as I feel a bit silly.

Met a guy only around 6 weeks ago he seems to nice, American living in the UK.

Starting going on dates, when my child was with her father had some really good laughs we seemed very much alike and I started to really like him. We saw each just twice a week but texted a lot. Then it’s started, can you transfer me £20 just until my wage goes in tomorrow. Stupidly I did, already aware of the cocklodger from MN (thanks)

Then suddenly I was cooking dinner oh then can you just get a few beers on your way home I will give you the money.

Never saw any money so eventually on Saturday I had a few drinks and I can’t remember the words exactly but I basically said he was cocklodger! Barely heard from him after that so I just blocked him.

Feel really silly now for being such an idiot when I fully know what a cocklodger is! Feel like a need a good slap for not telling where to go after the £20

I consider myself fairly attractive and hold a good job why would some bloke think I’d need to pay for him to be around. Debt to my ego🥴

Unfortunately, in answer to your question, I think predatory men often target single/divorced women with kids because they’re more vulnerable (vulnerable in the sense of having gone through childbirth, a divorce etc).

Cakecakecheese · 27/10/2022 13:11

It must be disappointing if you liked him but do try to take positives out of this, you spotted what he was like before it got too far and you stood up for yourself.

Dacquoise · 27/10/2022 13:34

Rainbowqueeen · 27/10/2022 12:02

Be proud that you realised really quickly and acted.

Good on you for calling him out. Cheeky bugger.

Totally agree and have voted URBU because you need to pat yourself on the back and not beat yourself up. Shame is totally on him.

Nope677888 · 27/10/2022 13:35

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Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 13:38

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Tosh. How is the OP the problem? For not wanting to fund some random bloke? She’d be a mug to do so.

Magn · 27/10/2022 13:57

Hey, just a learning curve and move on. You've had a fun time, it's cost you some money, you've ended it on your terms. Some people are just takers and I think you've proven to yourself that you can spot them and that your nice enough to give people the benefit of the doubt to begin with.

YouOKHun · 27/10/2022 14:01

DarceyG · 27/10/2022 12:32

I know it really is so I just don’t understand why the situation left me feeling low. My boundaries are way better now I’d never have spoke up like that in the past. I felt confused by his charming behaviour now I feel the ick from sleeping with someone like this.

Show quote history

I can see why you might feel low because it’s disappointing to meet someone you like, let them into your world and then discover they were interested in your wallet or using you to make their life easier. But his shortcomings belong to him and you’re not “silly” for not spotting the real him straightaway. He’s probably well practiced at it. If poncing off someone else isn’t the way you conduct yourself you’re not necessarily going to be looking out for it are you?

I think your cocklodger radar were pretty finely tuned actually. Look on it as a lifetime of expensive babysitting swerved.

Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 14:20

YouOKHun · 27/10/2022 14:01

I can see why you might feel low because it’s disappointing to meet someone you like, let them into your world and then discover they were interested in your wallet or using you to make their life easier. But his shortcomings belong to him and you’re not “silly” for not spotting the real him straightaway. He’s probably well practiced at it. If poncing off someone else isn’t the way you conduct yourself you’re not necessarily going to be looking out for it are you?

I think your cocklodger radar were pretty finely tuned actually. Look on it as a lifetime of expensive babysitting swerved.

Show quote history

Yes, I have a child already certainly don’t want another. I cooked really nice meals from scratch etc he didn’t even offer as much a McDonald’s.

I did have fun, I thought we had a connection but if he’s wanting to free load he needs to find someone much richer than me in these economic times. He’s hardly a great catch to be honest looks wise i either I really liked his personality and our shared interest in music so not sure how pulls of his gigolo act for too long with any woman worth their salt.

OP posts: