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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocklodger escape

75 replies

DarceyG · 27/10/2022 11:49

Just wanting to vent really and get this off my chest. Too embarrassed to tell my friends as I feel a bit silly.

Met a guy only around 6 weeks ago he seems to nice, American living in the UK.

Starting going on dates, when my child was with her father had some really good laughs we seemed very much alike and I started to really like him. We saw each just twice a week but texted a lot. Then it’s started, can you transfer me £20 just until my wage goes in tomorrow. Stupidly I did, already aware of the cocklodger from MN (thanks)

Then suddenly I was cooking dinner oh then can you just get a few beers on your way home I will give you the money.

Never saw any money so eventually on Saturday I had a few drinks and I can’t remember the words exactly but I basically said he was cocklodger! Barely heard from him after that so I just blocked him.

Feel really silly now for being such an idiot when I fully know what a cocklodger is! Feel like a need a good slap for not telling where to go after the £20

I consider myself fairly attractive and hold a good job why would some bloke think I’d need to pay for him to be around. Debt to my ego🥴

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 27/10/2022 14:28

I hate it when people are borrowing the odd £5, £10 (or £20) with the promise of giving it back but it never happens. I had it with a neighbour. It makes you feel petty for mentioning it, difficult to say no when you have started and you end up feeling like an idiot, are they going to ask again today? Are they are totting up freebies? Air punching when they have wangled more cash.

It's a shame you liked him but what would it have been like in 6 months time or 6 years. You have done the right thing. Had you met a new friend/school mum and she was doing the same after six weeks, you would also be backing away. You will like someone else and they will be better.

It's not about dating people with mismatched income, it's about honesty and effort. When I was a student I went out with a man on a high salary, he was a bit of a foodie so booked paid for nice restaurants. I love cooking and was happy to make dinners at my place or get cinema tickets (remember orange Wednesday's) when I arranged dates.

When I was working, I dated a man who was an intern. I would be paying for the more expensive dates. If I was cooking he never turned up empty handed, I don't drink wine, but non alcoholic for me and a couple of beers for him and he always bought a pack of treats for my cat. His best friend was a promoter for several comedians and he arranged for us to have free tickets and comps. Neither relationships felt unequal financially.

voiceofmarion · 27/10/2022 14:34

My boundaries are way better now I’d never have spoke up like that in the past. I felt confused by his charming behaviour now I feel the ick from sleeping with someone like this

you do have boundaries though which are pretty sharp, you gave him 20 quid and a few beers so it's not like you gave him the earth. You simply tested the waters and trusted him in a reasonable way but sussed him out so well done.

There is a balance too as you could become too rigid but no it's ok to trust and give as long as it's nothing excess.

mondaytosunday · 27/10/2022 14:35

Some people are always happy to take advantage- it's no reflection on you.

voiceofmarion · 27/10/2022 14:39

Whilst I'm happy for the op on this thread, I also recall a few weeks ago a poster said her female friend was cock lodging off other males and the op got roasted for saying it and the friend got supported. Yet when it's reverse gender like on here the replies are very different.

RagzRebooted · 27/10/2022 14:45

Kitkatcatflap · 27/10/2022 14:28

I hate it when people are borrowing the odd £5, £10 (or £20) with the promise of giving it back but it never happens. I had it with a neighbour. It makes you feel petty for mentioning it, difficult to say no when you have started and you end up feeling like an idiot, are they going to ask again today? Are they are totting up freebies? Air punching when they have wangled more cash.

It's a shame you liked him but what would it have been like in 6 months time or 6 years. You have done the right thing. Had you met a new friend/school mum and she was doing the same after six weeks, you would also be backing away. You will like someone else and they will be better.

It's not about dating people with mismatched income, it's about honesty and effort. When I was a student I went out with a man on a high salary, he was a bit of a foodie so booked paid for nice restaurants. I love cooking and was happy to make dinners at my place or get cinema tickets (remember orange Wednesday's) when I arranged dates.

When I was working, I dated a man who was an intern. I would be paying for the more expensive dates. If I was cooking he never turned up empty handed, I don't drink wine, but non alcoholic for me and a couple of beers for him and he always bought a pack of treats for my cat. His best friend was a promoter for several comedians and he arranged for us to have free tickets and comps. Neither relationships felt unequal financially.

Please tell me you married the guy who brought for you cat along to your dinner dates?

RagzRebooted · 27/10/2022 14:46

Brought treats for your cat, I mean. Sounds like a keeper!

NotLactoseFree · 27/10/2022 14:51

Well done OP.

Frankly, even without the potential cocklodger mindset, I wouldn't be interested in someone who felt comfortable borrowing money from a relative stranger. So you've dodged a bullet overall here.

It's not about the money. It's about the mindset and approach and he clearly was not interested in an equal relationship.

dworky · 27/10/2022 15:07

YABU for feeling ashamed & embarrassed as these feelings should not be yours but his 🙂
Well done for spotting it early & calling it, you did exactly the right thing.

thenightsky · 27/10/2022 15:10

These men never change. I know one that's still playing this game in his 70s. On the prowl for a vulnerable widow with low confidence, high bank balance and no dependents.

Original poster
DarceyG · 27/10/2022 15:20

thenightsky · 27/10/2022 15:10

These men never change. I know one that's still playing this game in his 70s. On the prowl for a vulnerable widow with low confidence, high bank balance and no dependents.

I’ve met one before long before I had my daughter. So I knew as soon as it started I didn’t want to be in it but tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but no he was pretty shameless.

I know the shame belongs with him I’d never be interested in a man for what he could do for me. Such a shallow way to live.

OP posts:
Saza123 · 30/10/2022 10:24

I totally agree, I asked and asked him to get a better paid job but guess who ended up doing 60+ hour weeks, it weren’t him! We’re divorced now and he still earns what he earned a decade ago 🤷‍♀️

bewarethetides · 30/10/2022 11:12

Well done for calling him out on it. He had some nerve to then call you full on for doing so! Well rid.

MeridianB · 30/10/2022 11:29

This one had no shame - fleecing money from a single mother! You did well to get rid.

He probably lived here for years and uses the whole ‘just moved here’ thing as a ploy.

MissConductUS · 30/10/2022 12:02

I'm an American. I had never heard the word cocklodger until I joined MN. We desperately need to import it, as American slang has no equivalent.

Well done for putting a stop to it right away.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/10/2022 12:11

Please don't be embarrassed! Be proud of yourself for recognising it and especially for calling him out on it.

Give it a few weeks and I'll bet you'll be having a laugh with your mates over a glass of wine about all of this.

SpookabooAtTheZoo · 30/10/2022 12:12

MissConductUS · 30/10/2022 12:02

I'm an American. I had never heard the word cocklodger until I joined MN. We desperately need to import it, as American slang has no equivalent.

Well done for putting a stop to it right away.

The equivalent is freeloader.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 30/10/2022 12:24

The equivalent is freeloader.

Which can be any gender. Also gold digger. Which, for some reason, seems only aimed at women.

PrincessJanet · 30/10/2022 12:32

I thought a cocklodger was a man who lived with you and wasn't paying his way?

FatEaredFuck · 30/10/2022 12:34

Freespirit42 · 27/10/2022 13:05

True story I once went on a first date met a guy online we had arranged we will go to pub get some food and drinks and he hadn’t even bought any money so I think I might have bought him one drink but I ate in front of him because I was hungry. Needless to say didn’t see him again like wtf

This is absolutely amazing Star

Wish I had even 10% of your gumption!

ilukp · 30/10/2022 12:42

Well done for getting rid of him at this stage.
The next step would have been some kind of "accommodation emergency". There would have been some "woe is me" tale - landlord selling up, landlord evicting him, argument with flatmate, blahblah etcetc. Then he needs to "crash" at yours "for a couple of weeks" until he gets sorted. Never gets sorted and has basically moved in by stealth.
Next step after that is an "issue" at work. Argument with co-worker, boss, whatever, his mental health is suffering etc. He quits or gets fired. Then he's hanging around at yours supposedly looking for work but isn't really - just living off you.
You attempt to get him to put more effort into looking for work and he pulls the depression card - or another mental health issue. Which means you feel shit about putting pressure on him and continue to support him.
I wrote pretty much the same thing on a thread yesterday about a potential cocklodger. This is the "cocklodger script" - it's always the same.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2022 13:17

Glad you called him out straightaway. Sounds as if he was a freeloader/cocklodger and these men often know how to push buttons in that sense.

I've dated students/lower income men and the vast majority of them always pay their way, treat me or cook me dinner at their place or as a PP said arrange for something reciprocal like free tickets via a friend. That's fine if you're on a low income.

I can't abide mean stingy men or men who work it round to their way. I dated a guy who got much cheaper hotel rooms due to his job, and he did stay at mine but also used these hotels to 'treat me'. It was when he bought me the exact same Christmas present - a cheap Body Shop gift set and a penguin USB stick that I thought less of him. Better than the other man though who got me nothing and tried to backtrack, get me to ditch him, just before Christmas!

I do have men sometimes thinking as I have my own house (and a small mortgage) that I'm loaded Hmm - far from it!

During lockdown a mutual friend of a friend made contact with me and we had 3 dates, great only he was returning home from working abroad and didn't have any money, was staying with his parents so made excuses about not having money or getting to it that easily. I ended up subbing him on all our dates but it was on our second when he was asking me for a few pounds (coins) to get a beer or two that I thought, why am I doing this??!! He'd had a job and a place to live abroad but had been injured and came home. I realised then that I knew nothing about him.

OP - you knew nothing about this man. I was in touch with an American in London, nice enough man, not great job but a bit alternative but when I asked him one time if he'd been in prison the answer was non-committal but I guessed yes. Luckily, I just had the one date with him but a few texts. I'm sure he's fine but I have no idea what he's been up to abroad or why he's in London, he could say the same about me!

Original poster
DarceyG · 30/10/2022 14:56

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2022 13:17

Glad you called him out straightaway. Sounds as if he was a freeloader/cocklodger and these men often know how to push buttons in that sense.

I've dated students/lower income men and the vast majority of them always pay their way, treat me or cook me dinner at their place or as a PP said arrange for something reciprocal like free tickets via a friend. That's fine if you're on a low income.

I can't abide mean stingy men or men who work it round to their way. I dated a guy who got much cheaper hotel rooms due to his job, and he did stay at mine but also used these hotels to 'treat me'. It was when he bought me the exact same Christmas present - a cheap Body Shop gift set and a penguin USB stick that I thought less of him. Better than the other man though who got me nothing and tried to backtrack, get me to ditch him, just before Christmas!

I do have men sometimes thinking as I have my own house (and a small mortgage) that I'm loaded Hmm - far from it!

During lockdown a mutual friend of a friend made contact with me and we had 3 dates, great only he was returning home from working abroad and didn't have any money, was staying with his parents so made excuses about not having money or getting to it that easily. I ended up subbing him on all our dates but it was on our second when he was asking me for a few pounds (coins) to get a beer or two that I thought, why am I doing this??!! He'd had a job and a place to live abroad but had been injured and came home. I realised then that I knew nothing about him.

OP - you knew nothing about this man. I was in touch with an American in London, nice enough man, not great job but a bit alternative but when I asked him one time if he'd been in prison the answer was non-committal but I guessed yes. Luckily, I just had the one date with him but a few texts. I'm sure he's fine but I have no idea what he's been up to abroad or why he's in London, he could say the same about me!

The plot thickens he was deported from America because he was born here. Fighting apparently. I’d blocked him on wattsapp and Instagram not realising he could still message me directly. He told me he’s met the love of his life this week. He just knows he will be with her, he’s never felt this way before. No idea why I needed to know that we have no mutual friends I would never find out. He’s clearly just massive arsehole basically.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 30/10/2022 17:51

Deported from the US? He’s clearly a moron or a criminal but my money is on both.

Dodged a bullet.

Obki · 30/10/2022 17:59

told me he’s met the love of his life this week. He just knows he will be with her, he’s never felt this way before.

Haha, he’s met no one. He’s just butt hurt that you saw through him and he couldn’t fleece you anymore.

Well rid, OP. Onwards and upwards 💃

MissConductUS · 30/10/2022 18:07

MeridianB · 30/10/2022 17:51

Deported from the US? He’s clearly a moron or a criminal but my money is on both.

Dodged a bullet.

There are so many people in the US without citizenship or right to work papers. It takes a serious criminal offense to put you on the deportation list.