Moving overseas in 10 days and friend keeps bugging me

[Getonwithit1]

Hi all
As the title says, DH and I plus the kids are moving overseas in a little over a week. I've already had a farewell do with my friends however one friend keeps messaging asking to catch up.

I simply don't have the time, I have things to pack, insurance to follow up and a million other things to do, as well as catch up with the family as much as we can before we go.

Honestly this friend messaging has really annoyed me, I've tried telling her I won't have time I'm flat out but she not taking no as an answer. I just don't want to see her as my plate is already full.

Any advice?

I suspect she’s bought you a going away gift and wants to give it to you before you go.

You'd be surprised how things turn out.

You have time to chat on here though? Thought you were oh so busy?

If she is sending you 15 messages a day I think you need to be VERY clear you are not able to meet up before you go. Dont give any words that might be seen as a way in. A PP gave some great words. Some people just dont take hints and it sounds like if she took offence its not going to be the end of the world!

I have told her unfortunately she's at the bottom of the list

Can you imagine how you would feel if someone you regarded as a friend told you that?
When I've been too busy to set aside time for a friend, I have invited them over on the understanding they take me as they find me.
e.g. "I really can't spare the time to meet up, but you're welcome to come over for a cuppa. I'll be packing but we can chat". A good friend would muck in.

This! Work contracts can expire or come to an end while abroad. Visas not renewable, perhaps a better job back at home, inability to secure a job abroad when the first contract ends - etc etc. OP may need to return one day.
This friend may move to the same country and be better connected than OP, she may know people in that country who may assist OP settle.

Why be horrible to people because you think you're off for greener pastures and will not meet them again?
Karma also has a way of fixing things. Once you arrive in said country and are an expat - let's see if you like it when others exclude you because you aren't the sort of person they could spare an hour for!

@Getonwithit1 I get you 100%. She's a pleasant acquaintance when you both have time to spare, but with 10 days to move countries - you are under enormous pressure and any time you may have to relax you'd rather spend with those closest to you or alone relaxing. Meeting with an acquaintance, especially one who can't read cues (if she is messaging 15x per day) would be on the bottom of my list as well. I don't think you owe her an hour, especially since you already said goodbyes in person.

I also don't think that you should make a bigger effort to explain this to her if she didn't get it already. Maybe a short message along the lines of 'Thanks, but I'm stretched thin with the move. Will be in touch once we settled.'

Odd how you can be so brutally direct about her on here- to the point of cruelty - but you aren't articulate to gently let her down. Poor woman- love the fact that you speculate that she might have "be on the spectrum" - a handy catch all for people whose behaviour might not conform. Yet you don't even try to understand how she might be struggling

You don't deserve this poor woman's friendship. I hope she meets someone nicer soon!

No need for the silly, ominous replies. The OP clearly has plenty of other friends she could call on in an emergency, enough she to have a going away party!

This woman sounds like an overinvested pain in the arse who can't take a hint.

Just ghost for now and stop replying. If you do want to retain the friendship in the future then just say Mary I'm so sorry, I really was bollocks deep in sorting and packing and family I just couldn't get out. Doesn't need to be a drama. I've been in your position before re: country move. You've got to be a bit selfish with your time.

This is all hypothetical. Of course the OP could need to return - she might even actively want to in the future. But she’s said herself, this woman is already ‘bottom of the list’. Why, if she returns to her current location in the future, is she suddenly going to be desperate to spend time with this woman, only to discover she has burned her bridges?

Inventing a scenario where this woman just happens to move to the same country as the OP, and just happens to bring an address book chock-full of useful contacts with her, is really stretching credibility. If we’re talking hypotheticals, the OP could hypothetically have already relocated from another city or country to her current location - therefore if thinks don’t work when she moves, she might have no ties to bring her back. She could go back to her homeland/hometown, or try somewhere else entirely.

We could endlessly speculate, but the most likely scenario is that the OP doesn’t move back and doesn’t desperately need to reconnect with someone she barely has an interest in anyway. As for the “Let’s see how you like it” comments, isn’t that a little bit… primary school? I’m sure loads of people in the OP’s new home won’t be interested in befriending her. Most people don’t just befriend random new arrivals in the country. Nothing to do with karma and everything to do with common sense.

I’ve been in your situation @Getonwithit1 and understand. YANBU.

Ypur friend is unreasonable. I imagine the 40-something per cent who voted YABU have no idea what it is like to move countries and have no imagination.

Good grief.

So your advice is to go through life cultivating people who are "at the bottom of your list" - just in case you need somebody to use if your life goes tits up?

It was a very last minute move for DHs work, well as last minute as an overseas move can be. Also I don't live in the UK so I was actually posting in the evening after tea.

Like other posters have said, SHOULD I need someone to pick me up or stay with at the airport, it would be my family who happen to live in this city.

I have already had farewell drinks and am a bit of an introvert so I need my alone time, which is currently stretched thin.

If she was a friend you would make time to see her before you leave. She obviously wants to see you before you go. If youre annoyed by this i think you know yourself that you dont really see her as a friend. Maybe block her and move away

So just ignore her.

I don't understand why you're even responding when you've told her no.

Im glad im not your "friend" who needs enemies eh?😬

I get that you just don’t have the time, and she sounds like she is making a nuisance of herself.

It’s up to you how far you want to go, I’d either:

• send one last ‘ we are off - let’s keep in touch’ text
• ——or being kinder
• FaceTime or call her, give yourself a 15 minute timer , be honest and say I am so busy and haven’t got long to talk…but just called to say goodbye more personally.

I think you should be honest with her. As someone who is on the spectrum myself and in the past was very annoying to people, it was really painful when people just ghosted me or blew me off and I had no idea why. It doesn’t come naturally to us.

Someone giving me actual feedback and being clear about their feelings/intentions stung but at least gave me room to improve and clarity about my position in the friendship.

I think you’re being rather cruel considering she clearly considers you a good friend and knows you’re leaving overseas and probably will never see you again. Lack of closure can be really painful too, and our mind can obsess over it forever.

You’re not obliged to do this of course but I would feel really shitty just blowing someone off like this who considers me a friend and leaving no closure. And I say this as someone who understands how annoying it is when someone doesn’t get the hint or is obsessive over you and as someone who is thankfully much better at friendships/socialising than I used to be as I learnt a lot observing others, getting feedback, research etc

Ignore the messages and then message end of day and day been too busy to reply during day and you're not going to have time to meet up. On repeat.

Was she at the farewell drinks?

OP moved abroad weeks ago!

I moved countries and managed not to be a tw@t to the people who wanted to ssy goodbye and wish me well.

This person is much better off without you and hopefully has now realised 🤨

When she's asked to meet up I have told her unfortunately she's at the bottom of the list 😮

Oof. That's cold.