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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not buying family gifts and feeling resentful

64 replies

Lonelygirl38 · 27/10/2022 04:13

So this could be a VERY long post but I'll.keep it as short as possible. Sorry in advance to anyone reading as I'm probably just spouting random sht

Im awake at 4am and its my birthday and i know its another day of forced smiles for the kids 😒

Basically, about 10 years ago I was struggling for time around Xmas with work etc.
I bought 2 members of my family a gift card for a shopping centre with HUNDREDS of shops in as my sister had asked for a perfume at over 100 quid and mum hadn't told me anything at all.

I presented these and said we could go for lunch and make a day of it. The looks on their faces would have turned milk sour which upset me quite a bit as clearly that wasn't something that they wanted to do with me as they said that they were going shopping on boxing day together but "not THERE"

I then went to the toilet and as I came back down, heard them slagging me and my gift cards off. I was extremely angry and confronted them both for being ungrateful.
I said that at least I asked what they wanted and didn't buy random stuff they wouldn't use like they did with me (perfumed body lotions that irritate my skin)
I also said that £25 was my budget not £100 for one item Which they knew! At that point I was single and living at home, so I ended up in my room crying my eyes out on Christmas day. Didn't eat dinner and wasn't checked on so went to sleep.

The year after, I bought my sister a beautiful birthday present (I worked overtime to get it) it was expensive and she had asked for it then when it came to my birthday she asked what I would like - I told her a watch at £50 which she agreed to.
When I opened my present it was a dove set (which she knew I couldn't use) and she left the half price tag on. I asked her about the watch and she said she hadn't had time to get it (it was online)

Now as background, ever since we were teens my other sis and I have always known the eldest was the favourite.
She got so much more in terms of time and still does now. There are incidents that i remember like yesterday But that's another thread.

Neither sister bothers with my birthday. Or either of my boys birthdays. Or Christmas.
I don't even get a message on my wedding anniversary- they didn't get me as much as a card on my wedding day

No one bothered with my 30th birthday. I got something off the kids but no other cards etc.
This probably sounds really ungrateful but I'm sick of getting nothing so I've just stopped ANY gifts except for dh and the kids.
I currently don't speak to my sisters - again long story but the favouritism growing up has bred a lot of issues as its now continued onto the grandkids.

I dread my birthday and Christmas. The kids make me homemade cards which I absolutely treasure and they always choose something for me but it upsets me that no one else bothers. (Except dh)

I just sometimes wish that I hadn't been born because of all the blatant favouritism - it's definitely caused issues with my self esteem.
I got tired of asking people to come out shopping to choose a gift for birthdays just to be told "I'm busy that weekend" - it's like a slap.in the face

I'll add that yes I am depressed. I'm on meds. Hubby is aware of how I'm treated by family. He won't visit my parents because of it all. Which I don't blame him for.

Sorry. I just needed to vent. So
AIBU
Please be kind. I'm not wanting hate. Just lonely, venting and feeling very unloved

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 27/10/2022 04:28

Happy birthday. I hope you have a good day with your husband and children. The others don’t deserve you - sod them. 💐

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 27/10/2022 04:38

Thankyou. My hubby says I'm too soft but I do think it comes from a whole lifetime of being an afterthought.
X

OP posts:
Autumflower · 27/10/2022 04:51

My parents have never bought me gifts since about 17.step sister and step brother never have .
dh does and children do.
it’s never bothered me tbh.I’m an adult and they are shit ,I’m just glad they are out of my life ,because they brought me nothing but unhappiness.
do you not find ,the older you get ,the less you need .
i hate clutter and crap ,so dh and kids will ask what I actually want for my birthday.and I do the same back ..so not many surprises here ,but no naff gifts either .
have a wonderful birthday op
treat yourself and eat cake

CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/10/2022 04:54

Happy birthday 🥂🎁🥳.

Enjoy your day with your dh & children.
Forget the others & stop buying for them in future. They do not deserve your time & effort.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/10/2022 04:58

Happy birthday!! Sounds like you were right to cut them out, have a lovely day with your husband and children who love you, they are your family. 🎉

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2022 04:59

Happy Birthday- have a lovely day with your husband and kids: your sisters and mum sound unkind so you’re better without them

Poppyblush · 27/10/2022 05:02

Sounds like your family is awful but as you don’t see them, time to put it in the past now? Focus on your own family and start making new traditions to enjoy celebrations like your birthdays. Have a great day!

pilates · 27/10/2022 05:15

Agree with Poppy. Happy Birthday 🎂

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 27/10/2022 05:23

Thanks all.
I try to.put in the past but not easy. I'll get there xx

OP posts:
RambamThankyouMam · 27/10/2022 05:27

This all sounds very petty and transactional. You can do without people like that in your life. Concentrate on relationships where gift-giving isn't such a big deal.

Ffsmakeitstop · 27/10/2022 05:28

Happy Birthday op. It's shit behaviour from them. Time to cut them out of your life and concentrate on your DH and kids.
In your shoes I wouldn't visit them why put yourself through it?

CaptainMum · 27/10/2022 05:29

Happy birthday!! You really, really need to stop valuing yourself based on your families treatment of you. They're apathetic and while it's understandable, their opinion of you doesn't need to count. Your children and husband love you. You are loved. Chose and buy your own presents- and use the budget of what you'd spend on mum & sisters. Seriously, send them cards for special events and expect nothing.

StridTheKiller · 27/10/2022 05:33

PM me your address OP and I'll send you a little gift.

Dontsparethehorses · 27/10/2022 05:33

Yes I was going to say same as previous poster - set aside the budget from what you would spend on mum/sister and use it for yourself to get something you really love. Sadly it sounds like your family have repeatedly shown you that they will let you down. Do you have any friends you could go shopping with / do those nice things you would like to do with your sisters that you can’t? Happy birthday! 🎉🥳

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 05:35

Did they bother with gifts for you before the year that they were disappointed with your gift cards?

Ottersmith · 27/10/2022 05:44

This seems about more than gifts. It's only with therapy that you will learn not to base your happiness on their actions. Were gifts a big thing in your household instead of expressing love? Most adults don't get very many gifts really so that's not such a big deal but the way they treat you sounds shitty and the dynamic sounds toxic. I would just work on yourself and distance yourself from them.

Blablablaaaaa · 27/10/2022 05:57

Happy birthday!

you can really help yourself by lowering expectations of your siblings and parents. Expect nothing and be at peace with it. Savour the distance and the simplicity. Create your own family traditions, go over the top with your kids and husband. Develop close friendships with other women who can enrich your life and make you feel valuable and appreciated.

JanBabiesBrummyMummy · 27/10/2022 06:14

Happy birthday OP, I hope you have a lovely day with your DH and children.
Sorry your family is rubbish, I can relate to your post so much. It's not you, it's them x

hesbeingabitofadick · 27/10/2022 06:26

Happy Birthday 🎂🍾🎉🎈

LazyDaisy22 · 27/10/2022 06:31

I can’t understand or explain your family’s behaviour. But I can wish you a very happy birthday OP 🎂 🎈 🎉. Have a lovely day with your husband and children 💐

thesurrealist · 27/10/2022 07:17

Happy birthday. I hope your children and husband make it a special one for you.

It was the same for me in my family. My mother and sisters were close, she worshipped my brother as the only boy and I was the odd one out. Luckily my dad is great.

She's long gone, dads still great. I don't bother with either sister and my brother is a decent bloke. Dad and him are my family. As are my lovely friends who do give me gifts at Christmas or on birthdays, because if they didn't I wouldn't get anything (dad and brother are crap like that). And it is important sometimes to get something given to you rather than have to buy everything yourself all the bloody time.

FeralWitch · 27/10/2022 07:21

Happy Birthday! The best present you can give yourself is to cut these horrible people out of your life and focus on the lovely family you’ve created.

Listen to Matilda by Harry Styles, and take it in.

And remember, you don’t need to seek approval from anyone - especially not people you're waaay nicer than.

Flylittlebirdy · 27/10/2022 07:29

Give yourself the best present and come to the stately homes thread in relationships and find your people 💪😍

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 27/10/2022 07:32

StridTheKiller · 27/10/2022 05:33

PM me your address OP and I'll send you a little gift.

Thankyou for the thought but honestly it isn't necessary xxx

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 27/10/2022 07:33

many happy returns @Lonelygirl38 Flowers