Not buying family gifts and feeling resentful

[Lonelygirl38]

So this could be a VERY long post but I'll.keep it as short as possible. Sorry in advance to anyone reading as I'm probably just spouting random sht

Im awake at 4am and its my birthday and i know its another day of forced smiles for the kids 😒

Basically, about 10 years ago I was struggling for time around Xmas with work etc.
I bought 2 members of my family a gift card for a shopping centre with HUNDREDS of shops in as my sister had asked for a perfume at over 100 quid and mum hadn't told me anything at all.

I presented these and said we could go for lunch and make a day of it. The looks on their faces would have turned milk sour which upset me quite a bit as clearly that wasn't something that they wanted to do with me as they said that they were going shopping on boxing day together but "not THERE"

I then went to the toilet and as I came back down, heard them slagging me and my gift cards off. I was extremely angry and confronted them both for being ungrateful.
I said that at least I asked what they wanted and didn't buy random stuff they wouldn't use like they did with me (perfumed body lotions that irritate my skin)
I also said that £25 was my budget not £100 for one item Which they knew! At that point I was single and living at home, so I ended up in my room crying my eyes out on Christmas day. Didn't eat dinner and wasn't checked on so went to sleep.

The year after, I bought my sister a beautiful birthday present (I worked overtime to get it) it was expensive and she had asked for it then when it came to my birthday she asked what I would like - I told her a watch at £50 which she agreed to.
When I opened my present it was a dove set (which she knew I couldn't use) and she left the half price tag on. I asked her about the watch and she said she hadn't had time to get it (it was online)

Now as background, ever since we were teens my other sis and I have always known the eldest was the favourite.
She got so much more in terms of time and still does now. There are incidents that i remember like yesterday But that's another thread.

Neither sister bothers with my birthday. Or either of my boys birthdays. Or Christmas.
I don't even get a message on my wedding anniversary- they didn't get me as much as a card on my wedding day

No one bothered with my 30th birthday. I got something off the kids but no other cards etc.
This probably sounds really ungrateful but I'm sick of getting nothing so I've just stopped ANY gifts except for dh and the kids.
I currently don't speak to my sisters - again long story but the favouritism growing up has bred a lot of issues as its now continued onto the grandkids.

I dread my birthday and Christmas. The kids make me homemade cards which I absolutely treasure and they always choose something for me but it upsets me that no one else bothers. (Except dh)

I just sometimes wish that I hadn't been born because of all the blatant favouritism - it's definitely caused issues with my self esteem.
I got tired of asking people to come out shopping to choose a gift for birthdays just to be told "I'm busy that weekend" - it's like a slap.in the face

I'll add that yes I am depressed. I'm on meds. Hubby is aware of how I'm treated by family. He won't visit my parents because of it all. Which I don't blame him for.

Sorry. I just needed to vent. So
AIBU
Please be kind. I'm not wanting hate. Just lonely, venting and feeling very unloved

Why are you so bothered about gifts?

So sorry you’ve been made to feel this way OP. It’s so hard when all you want is your parent’s love & acknowledgement & incredibly damaging to see that meted out to favourites.

And depression will amplify all those feelings & make them feel ten times stronger, distort them & play mind games with you too.

If you can do try & be kind to yourself today. You are loved & at the centre of your own wonderful family unit by the sounds of it who are the only ones that truly matter & who love you unconditionally.

Happy Birthday 🥳 🎂🥂

This is obviously not about gifts but about sadness that your relationship with your siblings and parents is not what you want.

Sounds like you still have a lot of unpacking of that relationship to do in order to be happy with your self.

Perhaps it would be helpful to talk to a professional to help you unpack your thoughts.

And Happy Birthday

Stop seeing them op. And embrace the improvement in your mh.

Wow so many people piling in to tell OP not to be greedy for gifts. I don’t think it’s “about” the gifts is it? It reads to me like it’s about being ignored, rejected, treated poorly for no reason. The gifts (lack of) are the examples OP chose because she thought they were the easiest way to demonstrate the favouritism and inequality.

OP gives a present slightly different from what she was asked to buy - it’s the end of the world. But OP is expected to be grateful for a cheap present she literally can’t use.

Mum and sister have planned a shopping trip together without OP. Yes that’s fine, but neither of them have planned a shopping trip or any other kind of outing with OP included.

“I got tired of asking people to come out shopping to choose a gift for birthdays just to be told "I'm busy that weekend" - it's like a slap.in the face”

OP can’t get any time from her family, she can’t get any of them to think about her and she craves a bit of attention from them because she’s never had it.

I don’t have any answers OP except to gently detach from the whole toxic situation but that’s easier said than done.

Happy birthday .
It sounds like you're sisters and mum are not good people so in your shoes I'd do as you are , no presents / cards to them and if they say where's my present you just say
' oh sorry you didn't get me anything so I assumed you wanted to stop gifts '

From now on concentrate on your own family kids and OH and have a lovely day with them . Do something / go somewhere so your birthday is different to every other day .

You can't change your mum and sisters and tbh they don't seem very nice so I don't think you're losing much by limiting contact

Happy birthday @Lonelygirl38 !

This is typical dysfunctional family tactics, I call it weaponised gift giving. Someone gets punished for daring to stand up for themselves, others are the prince/princess of presents/attention.

The only way to deal with this, and I speak from experience, is to detach emotionally (and physically if you're at that point) because you're waiting for the next insult, rejection, disappointment. As other PPs have said this isn't really about presents it's about the lack of love and validation from your family. You don't actually need it from this lot, they aren't capable of giving it.

You won't change them but you can shift your attitude. Don't wait for validation, seek it elsewhere. The Stately Homes thread is your friend here.

Honestly you can change this. Just stop buying presents for them. Just buy pressies for your husband and children. I have done the same, and it's a huge relief not having to worry about people who don't matter.

Happy birthday and enjoy your day x

You have your family - your husband and your children. You celebrate your birthday and Christmas with them. That's enough.

Happy birthday for today. Honestly, the gifts don't matter and removing the obligation to buy them will make you feel liberated.

Life is really too short to feel sad around these things.

Enjoy your day with your DH and boys.

They have control. Take it back. Put boundaries in place e.g no more gift giving. Or a limit if you must. A limit you are happy with spending even if they get you shit gifts. Have no expectations of them and waste no energy. Focus on your family. Make traditions.

Happy Birthday OP. Sod them! Cut them out of your life. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to put up with this sort of crap.
Enjoy your life with your family and the home made cards from your DC's. They are what matter.
I am in the same boat but don't take any nonsense and I have my own little family unit to think about.
Enjoy your Birthday today with your DC's. Xx

Why are you so daft as to not see that it's not about gifts?

I've been in similar situations, and it hurts to feel like the afterthought of the group.

Happy Birthday!!

So from someone who also gets the poor gifts IF they can be bothered at all... ditch them. Don't make any plans tonspend time with them near your birthday or Christmas. They are not deserving of your time. The same for their birthdays. Birthdays are no longer a wider family 'thing'.

Make your day something with your own family- the kids are at school I assume, what will your day be? If you're on your own do something nice for you - even if that is making a special sandwich at lunchtime! It's yours, your space. If you're at work, do something at lunchtime? Don't rely on colleagues as you could end in in a vicious cycle. Then tonight or at the weekend celebrate with your DH and the kids. Ignore the family- you don't need to have anything to do with them.

What's your plan for Christmas this year? Do not make it an extended family one... (unless your DHs family are a good bunch who do better!)

And finally you say DH won't visit your family any more... do you still take the kids? How are they treated? Be very aware of the goldengrandchild syndrome with them - either between your kids or between yours and your sisters... that's very damaging and needs to be blocked. I'd limit all contact to absolutely necessary with your 'family of origin'. And remember family doesn't have to be blood related.

Happy birthday 💐

Happy birthday!

Have you thought about counselling to help you come to teens with how your family have treated you? They sound appalling.

I'd focus on your lovely dh and dc and forget other family members. How they treat you is no reflection of you - but says a lot about them. You deserve much better.

*come to terms, sorry

Happy birthday.

The people who mean most to you value you and love you.

I know it hurts, my birthday is coming up and I know I'll get a text the day after from my brother.

It's been that for at least 10 years.

They are the problem so why not try not to give them headspace? You don't owe them anything.

Do something today, even if it is just a walk in the park or a cake for tea.

Makes this the last day you let those people bother you, plan for next year. Plan exactly what you want to happen.

Totally agree with this from @Dacquoise :

This is typical dysfunctional family tactics, I call it weaponised gift giving. Someone gets punished for daring to stand up for themselves, others are the prince/princess of presents/attention.

I think you've made a very wise move opting of gift exchanges with people who make you feel this way - it really is just another weapon to hurt you with. Concentrate on your family and keep taking those steps to mentally distance yourself from your family of origin. It takes time but it really does get better when you fully accept they won't change and you allow yourself to grieve properly for the family they could've been.

Happy Birthday 💐

Happy birthday @Lonelygirl38 , most people get that it's not about the gifts , it's the lack of thought and them making it clear you are bottom of the pile
I understand how you feel
Concentrate on those who matter to you and that treat you with respect

I'm not "so bothered about gifts" that's not what the post is about. It's about the shitty and toxic way they treat me. I am venting because I feel worthless ok?

Got it in one.
Like I said in the post there's a lot more to this than what I have said. I have started resenting my parents but especially my mother. She has no maternal instinct towards me and certainly doesn't ever hug me or show warmth

Why are you so to be deaf that you think it's about gifts?

*tone