Not buying family gifts and feeling resentful

[Lonelygirl38]

So this could be a VERY long post but I'll.keep it as short as possible. Sorry in advance to anyone reading as I'm probably just spouting random sht

Im awake at 4am and its my birthday and i know its another day of forced smiles for the kids 😒

Basically, about 10 years ago I was struggling for time around Xmas with work etc.
I bought 2 members of my family a gift card for a shopping centre with HUNDREDS of shops in as my sister had asked for a perfume at over 100 quid and mum hadn't told me anything at all.

I presented these and said we could go for lunch and make a day of it. The looks on their faces would have turned milk sour which upset me quite a bit as clearly that wasn't something that they wanted to do with me as they said that they were going shopping on boxing day together but "not THERE"

I then went to the toilet and as I came back down, heard them slagging me and my gift cards off. I was extremely angry and confronted them both for being ungrateful.
I said that at least I asked what they wanted and didn't buy random stuff they wouldn't use like they did with me (perfumed body lotions that irritate my skin)
I also said that £25 was my budget not £100 for one item Which they knew! At that point I was single and living at home, so I ended up in my room crying my eyes out on Christmas day. Didn't eat dinner and wasn't checked on so went to sleep.

The year after, I bought my sister a beautiful birthday present (I worked overtime to get it) it was expensive and she had asked for it then when it came to my birthday she asked what I would like - I told her a watch at £50 which she agreed to.
When I opened my present it was a dove set (which she knew I couldn't use) and she left the half price tag on. I asked her about the watch and she said she hadn't had time to get it (it was online)

Now as background, ever since we were teens my other sis and I have always known the eldest was the favourite.
She got so much more in terms of time and still does now. There are incidents that i remember like yesterday But that's another thread.

Neither sister bothers with my birthday. Or either of my boys birthdays. Or Christmas.
I don't even get a message on my wedding anniversary- they didn't get me as much as a card on my wedding day

No one bothered with my 30th birthday. I got something off the kids but no other cards etc.
This probably sounds really ungrateful but I'm sick of getting nothing so I've just stopped ANY gifts except for dh and the kids.
I currently don't speak to my sisters - again long story but the favouritism growing up has bred a lot of issues as its now continued onto the grandkids.

I dread my birthday and Christmas. The kids make me homemade cards which I absolutely treasure and they always choose something for me but it upsets me that no one else bothers. (Except dh)

I just sometimes wish that I hadn't been born because of all the blatant favouritism - it's definitely caused issues with my self esteem.
I got tired of asking people to come out shopping to choose a gift for birthdays just to be told "I'm busy that weekend" - it's like a slap.in the face

I'll add that yes I am depressed. I'm on meds. Hubby is aware of how I'm treated by family. He won't visit my parents because of it all. Which I don't blame him for.

Sorry. I just needed to vent. So
AIBU
Please be kind. I'm not wanting hate. Just lonely, venting and feeling very unloved

OP there is a saying (Italian I think) "Resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die".

You're sabotaging yourself feeling resentment towards them, they do not care and you spend your time feeling awful. They sound like terrible people, how they can live comfortably with themselves treating a member of their family so badly is unfathomable. But you won't be able to understand why they are choosing to behave like this to you, I wouldn't even try. Just move on with your life, spend your time with people you cherish and who cherish you. Don't give them the headspace of thinking about them, they don't even deserve that much.

Honestly, if you can get therapy, give it a try. If you can't, resolve to be kinder to yourself and let these ghastly people go. Don't bother contacting them, don't think about them. You'll be a lot happier in the long run and you deserve that.

Happy birthday @Lonelygirl38

What I have useful is to reframe your family's behaviour towards you as bullying because that's what it is. It's designed to undermine you, give you the message that you are less than and to level the playing field. Everytime you re-engage with this they are winning.

I would expect that it's made very clear to you what they are doing for each other, what the mean girls are getting that you aren't, how they are excluding you, their distain for you.

It's a very powerful tool to not give a f**k, to not bother trying to get an 'in' to this toxic club. If you walk away, make sure you don't hear or see the hurtful behaviour, they can't get to you. It's very likely someone else will be selected for the scapegoating (my golden child brother got the 'treatment' when I got out, turned up on my doorstep ten years later wanting to be friends after he was a key player in the toxic games!)

There's is probably something about you that they're envious of to treat you this way, are you more attractive, thinner, more successful, better relationships, better life choices, could be anything that grinds their gears? Not your fault but dysfunction usually originates from somebody's dissatisfaction with their life and they projectile vomit over the scapegoat of their choice.

Your husband has your back. That's absolute gold . Your boys love you. You are loved. You are good enough. Use your anger to distance yourself from this cess pit. 🎂

@Dacquoise well said

As a family rule we now really only buy for the kids for birthdays and Xmas. I have a large family and it was getting expensive for everyone.

Maybe you could do that and it would dispel any awkwardness around gift giving?

X

So sorry that you have to deal with this, it sounds so toxic and the only unreasonable thing would be if you continue any contact with them, it speaks volumes that your DH won't visit them due to how you're treated.

On MN you often get funny responses as for some reason people don't think you should celebrate adult birthdays but in RL I have never experienced this amongst any of my friends. You deserve to be around the people who think of you and make the effort, it's not about the cost or size of the gift but genuinely the thought and its clear they can't be bothered.

Stick with your DH, DCs and friends and don't bother at all buying gifts for your sister etc.

Thankyou to all that realised the undertone of what I was getting at. It isn't about getting gifts. It's been treated like shit
A few answers. It's always been this way.
I have told them all.that I will.no longer be doing any gifts of any kind.
There is a golden grandkid amd it ain't the first born (mine) it's the 3rd born.
My boys don't even remember their aunts any more because they simply don't bother. One hasn't seen them in about 4 years the other almost 2 so I have stopped contact.
I had a bit of a meltdown but ended up having a lovely day. My DH took my DC out shopping after work and I got thoroughly spoilt. We are also going to see a friend play in his band in December 🙂🙂🙂
I cant thank you all enough and especially to the person who offered me a gift - such kindness 💕

That's a lovely update to read @Lonelygirl38 🌻

So glad to hear that you've put a stop to the gifts - a firm boundary and a clear message that you're not going to allow them to treat you like shit. Let their power to control your emotions diminish with each passing day.

you deserve so much better then them. You are worth so much more.

Thankyou.
I have been firm. If they are not willing to change then ill focus.on my little family instead x

best birthday present you could give yourself right there🤗

Another update
I confronted my parents about the favouritism and how it's now being passed to grandkids
I was told it was "nonsense" and the way I was spoken to was horrid really condescending- I said "I will NOT be spoken to like a 5 year old. Stop trying to gas light me because I'm done with it"

I then hung up and haven't spoken to them since.
I'm now working on myself. Losing some weight (9lb down already), finding a meaningful career, rejigging my photo wall to include only people who matter to us and more importantly, I'm telling myself every day "I deserve the best"

Xxxxxx

Good for you OP.

Well done.

It dounds clichéd but the truth is, real self esteem comes from within.

It is usually something a lot of women finally realise as they get older, post menopause and they are accepting less bullshit it their lives.

You are clearly a clever woman who is getting it early.

Stopping contact with those who add nothing to your life is freeing and empowering.

It sounds like you have a lovely husband and family.

You are actually very blessed in the choices YOU have made.

Continue to focus on you, your family, good friends and building your life for the future.

Best of luck.

Your dc will be proud you aren't settling for less than you deserve. My dc don't see their dgps as I am nc due to them both being rubbish dps! No regrets.