When people say LTB...

[Cheeeeislifenow]

I feel like sometimes on mumsnet people say this as if it's the easiest thing in the world forget the emotional side of it including co dependendence, abusive behaviour or "love".
The practicalities are the hard bit, especially when you have children, even more if you have children with additional needs even more if you have no family of your own to support you, if I were to "LTB" I would be homeless, not just me but my kids too, benefits take ages to come through and the rental market is a non existent, crippling expensive shambles.
AIBU to think there are lots of couple living together who cannot separate due to financial and practical reasons....
Or am I kidding myself and other people do it

Of course other people do it. When people say LTB, they’re not saying it’s going to be easy or it’s a simple as just packing a bag and leaving tonight. I’m exasperated by the posters who detail absolutely awful relationships and expect any advice other than to leave their partner.

I logged our separation date with a solicitor (and filed for divorce) then claimed benefits. Left it 2 weeks then told dh I had filed for divorce.. Wasn't pretty but I had money that week anyway.

YANBU. MN is ridiculous they take one minor incident and extrapolate it to mean the person is an all-round arsehole. They could do a million good things, have one dodgy moment and that’s it! Leave the bastard! 🙄

Plus I do not believe for one second all the ‘I would LTB’ posters would actually leave their husband over dirty dishes/underwhelming birthday present. But they have no problem saying somebody else should.

It depends, it's never easy but sometimes it's essential, for the good of your kids, your own mental health etc.

Nobody means "walk out right this instant".

Of course people manage to leave relationships.

I think the exaggeration that is made most on MN is the one that everyone shouts LTB at small misdemeanours.
More often than not, if the post is about “dirty dishes” it’s then followed with a story about how they’ve been unappreciated and disrespected for years by a lazy husband. And the “dirty dishes” have just been the straw that broke the camels back.

People saying ltb for one minor incident are very rare. If it’s fairly minor, it’s usually because there’s a pattern of behaviour that’s not changing and making the op miserable. Even if the isolated incidents seem small.

and when people do say ltb, they only mean immediately when the op or their kids are danger. People will give advice on where to get help. But again no one ever suggests it’s simple with no complications.

When you look at the practical side, that takes time and often feels like a huge barrier. But usually there is a way. Which is what MNers usually give advice on. CoL will make this so much harder:

If people want to stay in a miserable relationship because they also love the person, there’s not much advice people can give. But I don’t think live can ever be enough if you are also miserable. But MNers usually recognise this is also hard BUT you can’t remain miserable keep moaning but not do anything to change it.

No one says it easy. But just because it’s going to be difficult, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

It is always good to be mindful of the fact that MNetters will not be the ones living in substandard, insecure housing for the duration of their children’s childhood.

They will not be the ones struggling to combine work and childcare.

They will not be the ones in that position.

In the case of actual abuse you have to get out. But otherwise you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it.

Oh and yes, I did it. Took 2 years to get everything in place. Even then I still had to leave in the night with the kids, because he escalated his abuse one evening. But I was almost ready anyway.

Not easy, but entirely worth it. I was married 15 years. With him 18. 14 years were happy and I loved him. The. He went down the conspiracy rabbit hole and changed into a completely different person. The whole thing broke my heart and left me with ptsd.

and 5 years later I can honestly say, it was worth it.

What do you mean?

Loads or MNers are in (or have been) unsecured substandard housing.

Loads of us are struggling to combine work and childcare. Lots of us struggle or have struggled to do this as single parents. Working parents are really common on MN. As are people struggling with money. As are single parents.

I think it's very interesting when people here minimise very real EA or CC and say it's too hard to leave an abusive relationship, and it wasn't really abusive anyway. 🤔

And loads will know it isn’t a life you’ll want to choose with a child or children. The wide eyed disingenuous response is not fooling anyone.

It can sometimes be said a bit flippantly, but the majority of the time it needs to be said. I wish someone had said it to me when I was living with an awful ex-P. It's all too easy to stick what what you know because it feels safer, despite the fact you're miserable and feel like you're treading on eggshells. Leaving is hard, because of all the reasons you listed, but it's never impossible and ultimately if you're happy, your DC will be happier, even if it means living in a smaller house with less money.

You aren’t even making sense.

You stated MNers will not be living in insecure substrates housing. Or understand juggling childcare and work.

Thats wrong. There’s no wide eyed anything.

Your statement was entirely wrong. Even forgetting that not everyone who leaves ends up in a bad situation financially.

No, indeed they don’t, but many will.

I cannot understand how it doesn’t make sense that following the breakup of a marriage (or partnership) there will be less money and this will push many women into poverty.

If there is abuse that is different. When there isn’t abuse it is less clear cut shall we say.

But otherwise you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it.

For years in my abusive marriage, I held firmly to that view thinking that 1. It wasn't that bad 2. It would improve 3. I had kids, I had to stay & it was better for them.

So I stayed & got chipped away at bit by bit; I didn't recognise the abuse for what it was; I felt like I was living in hell, every time the key turned in the door I'd feel sick. I had more children.

A few serendipitous events (at least in retrospect) brought it home to me that I could not stay. He left the house; I had 3 very small children, has just finished a contract role so had no work at that time; it's 9 years later & it has been incredibly tough. I'm nearly through the divorce process - he hasn't supported the DC adequately, has never really shared care of them, and has continued to make life impossible for me.

But. It is worth it. Financial & other issues notwithstanding, being free of him is worth it. I dread to think what would have happened, to me & DC otherwise

If you are unhappy, and there is no meaningful prospect of improving matters, then yes, it's always worth it

No one is denying that.

But it’s a lie to MNers as a whole don’t understand it. They absolutely do and many have lived it or are living it.

If there is abuse that is different. When there isn’t abuse it is less clear cut shall we say.

Abuse comes in many forms though.

Financial and emotional abuse is insidious and damaging too, but less clear to recognise and make overt.

Even when it is unhappiness, and not abuse, while it's not a cavalier or easy decision to make, feeling unhappy & unfulfilled in a relationship is still damaging & draining. It doesn't mean you walk out with no plan, but I'd definitely advise someone in that situation to make a plan to leave.

But it’s a lie to MNers as a whole don’t understand it. They absolutely do and many have lived it or are living it.

I agree. MN really opened my eyes, and I wish I'd had it when things were at their worst during my marriage.

I used to be amazed how quickly MNers would get behind a seemingly small issue to see what was really happening.

One problem I had was that when I tried to tell anyone about what was happening, they minimised it or said it wasn't a big issue; I felt completely alone & lacking any validation.

Abuse indeed comes in many forms.

At no point did I say ‘it is different if he is physically abusing you’ . I said abuse, meaning any form of abuse.

But there are threads that appear on here fairly frequently where posters are told they have “the ick”, that there is no possible return, that they deserve to be happy, etc.

For those threads, I do think it is important to be aware that MNetters will not be the ones dealing with the fallout from family breakdown. Why that’s proved a contentious point for some I do not know, unless they are the ones urging people to leave.

Absolutely. No one is saying it’s easy to leave. But it’s not impossible and people do it all the time.

a lot of time people are scared of change so don’t leave. Instead of admitting that, they say it’s for the kids or that they can’t, etc. my parents said that and that’s apparently why we had to have a miserable home.

I think most people who say LTB can’t say what they really think - especially on the more extreme threads - it comes across as judgemental but I t think it’s just exasperated - like ‘why the fuck did you have the 1 child let alone 3 more kids with such a toxic prick?’ Or ‘couldn’t you have waited five minutes before shackling yourself to such a selfish cocklodging fucker who clearly doesn’t care about you?’

But of course it’s too late…

And yes poverty will trap you far more than those with financial means, properties, families with spare rooms etc.

Tbh if you do have the ick and there’s no way back, you should leave. How could you have sex with someone you can’t bear. Long term if things don’t change, it won’t work.

Point proved I think