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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When people say LTB...

83 replies

Cheeeeislifenow · 26/10/2022 19:22

I feel like sometimes on mumsnet people say this as if it's the easiest thing in the world forget the emotional side of it including co dependendence, abusive behaviour or "love".
The practicalities are the hard bit, especially when you have children, even more if you have children with additional needs even more if you have no family of your own to support you, if I were to "LTB" I would be homeless, not just me but my kids too, benefits take ages to come through and the rental market is a non existent, crippling expensive shambles.
AIBU to think there are lots of couple living together who cannot separate due to financial and practical reasons....
Or am I kidding myself and other people do it

OP posts:
Smineusername · 26/10/2022 22:43

My parents had a shitty relationship and I am eternally grateful to them for sticking it out rather than subjecting us kids to the horrors of two separate households with two working parents who are dating, blending families etc 🤮

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2022 22:44

vipersnest1 · 26/10/2022 22:26

@EarringsandLipstick, thank you.
I'm kind of past it now, but I haven't been in a relationship for over ten years, and doubt I ever will be.
I don't have the confidence to put myself 'out there' on dating sites, and I've no social life, for lots of reasons.
It is what it is, and while I'm kind of resigned to it, it does make me feel sad.

I'm the same.

My kids are still young. My ex all but destroyed me (but I kept going, have a good job, kids broadly all ok) and I have essentially no social life & few real friends (know plenty to chat to, and be friendly with, but not that I could open up to).

I can't imagine still ever trusting anyone but I hold out hope that once I'm finally divorced & I can look ahead, there's still hope ...!

Maybe it will happen for us both one day. 🙏🏻

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2022 22:45

I never said it did,

But you did?

I don't know about your thread, it seems odd that people would be telling you you can't date or find a new relationship

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2022 22:49

Smineusername · 26/10/2022 22:43

My parents had a shitty relationship and I am eternally grateful to them for sticking it out rather than subjecting us kids to the horrors of two separate households with two working parents who are dating, blending families etc 🤮

Your feelings are valid of course.

The vast majority of kids prefer to be in a happy secure environment then part of a household with an unhappy relationship at its core.

Is separation painful for kids? Of course. My own DC have had really hard times thanks to my feckless ex, and I haven't done as well as I wish always. It's still better than putting up with living with abuse.

Every family is different. A friend in an unhappy marriage has chosen to stay, based on stability & finances. She's doing ok, it seems to work ok for them but she's deeply sad, and so is her H who is depressed & drinks a lot now.

Not every split leads to dating & blended families. I haven't dated, there are no blended families, and speaking personally, I would never go there.

PumpkinZombie · 27/10/2022 11:20

It depends what the reasons are.

Often it is the the only sensible advice to give, when people describe a miserable existence.

I would never say it lightly but when I do yes I absolutely would in the situation that's being described. And yes, I did myself. With kids with SEN and disabled myself. And yes, it was absolutely the right choice, even with all the being a loan parent entails.

Women can take steps to ensure that they can provide for themselves and their families. It is horrendous that many people feel trapped in awful relationships and there should be far, far more help for single parents. The tax system would be a good place to start. If you want it to be easier for women to leave, then start by campaigning for changes to that.

PumpkinZombie · 27/10/2022 11:21

Smineusername · 26/10/2022 22:43

My parents had a shitty relationship and I am eternally grateful to them for sticking it out rather than subjecting us kids to the horrors of two separate households with two working parents who are dating, blending families etc 🤮

Not all single parents date or blend households.

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 11:27

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2022 22:45

I never said it did,

But you did?

I don't know about your thread, it seems odd that people would be telling you you can't date or find a new relationship

It’s actually a pretty common view that single parents shouldn’t date again.

Wintermoonandstars · 27/10/2022 11:27

There’s a pattern on this thread of telling posters that what they have seen or read wasn’t the case at all.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 27/10/2022 11:31

Putonyourshoes · 26/10/2022 19:32

Of course other people do it. When people say LTB, they’re not saying it’s going to be easy or it’s a simple as just packing a bag and leaving tonight. I’m exasperated by the posters who detail absolutely awful relationships and expect any advice other than to leave their partner.

I agree with this, and are in complete denial they are also enabling the abuse of their children but it’s fine cause they have a bedroom each.

I have to swerve the relationship board these days.

Electricstar · 27/10/2022 11:37

I agree with you mostly but also disagree in some cases

Sometimes when a OP writes that her partner cheats on her constantly, lies to her etc I think it’s really hard to think of anything other then “why are you still staying and being a doormat” of course it is so much easier said than done when love is involved or even kids, but in reality if they are with someone who just doesn’t respect them then I am not sure what else OP expects other than LTB or a hand hold.

It is not always easy to LTB in some cases and I think most replies know that. Especially in DV cases. The LTB are easy for some to throw out but it is not that simple at all.

I think that most MN users know that AIBU especially for relationship advice comes with all sarcastic, flippant or judgey answers.

PearlclutchersInc · 27/10/2022 11:43

Pehaps saying these things with make the poster give consideration to the position they're in and just how normal or abnormal it is.

If many comments are LTB then at least think about it and consider how it could be done and what's needed. Noone ever says do it right now (at least rarely anyway).

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 11:46

Cuppasoupmonster · 26/10/2022 19:34

Plus I do not believe for one second all the ‘I would LTB’ posters would actually leave their husband over dirty dishes/underwhelming birthday present. But they have no problem saying somebody else should.

I have often thought this.

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 11:49

What always irks me is when people jump straight in with "you deserve better". (How do we know she deserves better when we don't know her, and haven't heard his side of the story?)

Longerthanfiveweeks · 27/10/2022 11:56

There are lots of women in unhappy relationships who decide staying is better than leaving, thought that choice is hard. You don't hear about them often on here as they cannot talk about their experiences without being attacked for not leaving.

All women will be in different situations. But for women who don't have a job or don't have a well paid job, or have a poor work history or have disabilities or have children with disabilities, and maybe have no other family support, leaving can be a bleak prospect. Especially for older women who are unlikely to have the opportunity to build up a careers, especially whilst also looking after children as a single parent.

Moving your children to a low income areas, with associated schools, to live in poverty, to feel the stigma of that, to potentially become isolated from your friendship groups as you can no longer afford to socialise with them, to face poverty in retirement, and to potentially lose custody of your kids as the Judge decides they were be better off living where they are established with the affluent parent. You can see why women stay. And they shouldn't be judged for it.

I wish more posters on here had more empathy for the very difficult situation women find themselves in. Just because 'you' left it does not mean other women are in the same situation as you were when you left.

pinkpotatoez · 27/10/2022 12:27

The amount of times LTB is said on here, you'd expect 'Mumsnet' to be down as the reason for 90% of divorces in the UK. Don't get me wrong a lot of the time I read posts I think 'LTB' but commenting it is so unhelpful, they already know they are in a shit situation but divorcing is way easier said than done. I'm sure some of the people commenting it aren't in fairytale marriages either but they're not leaving.

Kualma · 27/10/2022 12:40

Tbf most if not all relationship on Mumsnet is terrible. I don’t come on here for advice on my relationship

interstatelovesong · 27/10/2022 13:06

I get it op

I left my first husband 15 years ago I had absolutely nothing as we rented our home and both had shit jobs and no money. I had a baby so was able to claim top up benefits and eventually got a council house. It isn't like that anymore... benefits are harder to get and less and there's no council housing and private rent is very expensive

15 years on I am remarried with more dc. I have a successful business which I run from a outbuilding at my home , we have a beautiful house and a mortgage. The mortgage payments are affordable and H earns quite a lot of money

I'm happy with him but I'd be fucked in every way if we split or I left so if things ever went bad I think I'd just stay tbh. I better hope he doesn't leave me !

interstatelovesong · 27/10/2022 13:07

Longerthanfiveweeks · 27/10/2022 11:56

There are lots of women in unhappy relationships who decide staying is better than leaving, thought that choice is hard. You don't hear about them often on here as they cannot talk about their experiences without being attacked for not leaving.

All women will be in different situations. But for women who don't have a job or don't have a well paid job, or have a poor work history or have disabilities or have children with disabilities, and maybe have no other family support, leaving can be a bleak prospect. Especially for older women who are unlikely to have the opportunity to build up a careers, especially whilst also looking after children as a single parent.

Moving your children to a low income areas, with associated schools, to live in poverty, to feel the stigma of that, to potentially become isolated from your friendship groups as you can no longer afford to socialise with them, to face poverty in retirement, and to potentially lose custody of your kids as the Judge decides they were be better off living where they are established with the affluent parent. You can see why women stay. And they shouldn't be judged for it.

I wish more posters on here had more empathy for the very difficult situation women find themselves in. Just because 'you' left it does not mean other women are in the same situation as you were when you left.

This 👏🏻

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 21:32

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 11:49

What always irks me is when people jump straight in with "you deserve better". (How do we know she deserves better when we don't know her, and haven't heard his side of the story?)

Everyone deserves better in situations where they are unhappy, unsupported, starved of love or communication.

It doesn't mean that there's inherently some moral judgment on either person, just that everyone has a right to certain core elements in a relationship.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 21:33

Wintermoonandstars · 27/10/2022 11:27

There’s a pattern on this thread of telling posters that what they have seen or read wasn’t the case at all.

Is there?

Or is it that long-standing posters are saying they haven't seen what's described and asking for examples if they exist?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 21:36

PearlclutchersInc · 27/10/2022 11:43

Pehaps saying these things with make the poster give consideration to the position they're in and just how normal or abnormal it is.

If many comments are LTB then at least think about it and consider how it could be done and what's needed. Noone ever says do it right now (at least rarely anyway).

Good point

I doubt when I was in the throes of my difficult relationship that I'd have taken the 'LTB' advice, if I was here then & posting, as I was so committed to 'making it work'.

However, maybe it would have at least shone a light on the problems & lack of normality & opened the possibility of change.

IRL no-one had a clue, even when I tried to tell them, they didn't get it. Some (many) still don't.

therubbiliser · 27/10/2022 21:37

My MIL left this year after 4 decades of abuse physical, emotional, sexual abuse. It never gets easier to leave. The police and social services were involved in her eventual leaving her home.

I think it is very difficult but there are times when leaving is the least worst option and on MN I think it is usually justified when people suggest the option of leaving.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/10/2022 21:41

This gets complained about a lot, but nobody leaves their loving, healthy, happy relationship because people on MN said LTB.

But people in loving, healthy, happy relationships don't usually post on MN questioning them.

Time and time again, even a thread that seems minor at first eventually gives way to show an absolute disaster of a relationship, with an OP who has accepted shit for so long she can't understand why it still doesn't smell better.

Most people don't LTB anyway. Most women stay in abusive relationships for all manner of reasons. They're very, very hard to leave.

I'm not remotely worried about loving, healthy, happy marriages being broken up by Mumsnet. It simply doesn't happen. But some women have found it gives them the strength to leave when they need to.

PumpkinZombie · 27/10/2022 23:50

interstatelovesong · 27/10/2022 13:06

I get it op

I left my first husband 15 years ago I had absolutely nothing as we rented our home and both had shit jobs and no money. I had a baby so was able to claim top up benefits and eventually got a council house. It isn't like that anymore... benefits are harder to get and less and there's no council housing and private rent is very expensive

15 years on I am remarried with more dc. I have a successful business which I run from a outbuilding at my home , we have a beautiful house and a mortgage. The mortgage payments are affordable and H earns quite a lot of money

I'm happy with him but I'd be fucked in every way if we split or I left so if things ever went bad I think I'd just stay tbh. I better hope he doesn't leave me !

That just makes me so sad to hear. I can't imagine letting myself get into a situation where I was trapped like that if I needed to leave, especially having had the lesson once already. Why on Earth would you do that to yourself and your children, it's such a huge risk? Not being goady I just genuinely do not understand how you could put yourself in a situation where you and your children are totally dependent on someone else where - in your words - you couldn't manage on your own, having already been through needing to previously.

interstatelovesong · 28/10/2022 06:15

@PumpkinZombie

You are totally right

But everything is so expensive these days that even though we earn okay money I don't have much in the way of savings.

I mean, if we split I'd get half the equity in the house. But that currently wouldn't be enough to buy a new place, not in this economic climate. And renting would be out of reach as although I earn okay money rents are ridiculous now in comparison to income. Plus my workspace is at my home

And although I do okay with my business H earns much more so he'd get the kids as I wouldn't be able to give them the lifestyle they've been living up to now. So they probably wouldn't want to stay with me anyway

It is what it is 😞 . We're happy , let's just hope we stay that way hey 🤞🏻