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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my husband to use my car for basketball practices?

40 replies

ConfusedAdult2001 · 26/10/2022 05:19

Long story short, my husband's car got repossessed as he wasn't making payments on it after being out of work for 6-7 months. I have my car and inherited my aunt's car after she passed. Originally it was gonna go to my sister as her first car once she got her license, but since she still doesn't have it, we agreed to let my husband use it for work until he has enough money saved up for a down payment on another car. However, my aunt's car has some issues, enough to the point where neither of us are comfortable with our 3.5 month old daughter being transported in it (it shakes, consistent low tire pressure in the rear two tires, and some more), hence why my car is the only one she's transported in currently.

DH decided he wanted to coach basketball 2x/week after work to elementary/middle schoolers. He recently told me he wanted to use my car for it. I said no because I don't want young kids, we don't really know, who have no real idea about germs/proper hand washing in my car, especially not AFTER playing contact sports without masks in the car we use to transport our newborn child due to all of the possible germs she might be exposed to.

Am I really being that unreasonable? I told him he's willing to fix up the car however he like if he so chooses to be able to possibly give needy children a ride home. I'm just not willing to sacrifice our main mode of family travel for coaching, our daughter's health, nor make it my responsibility to deep clean and sanitize my car 2x/week, among everything else on my plate.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 26/10/2022 05:23

don't you need special insurance to be able to transport kids around in this situation ?
tell him he cant cause its not insured for it

im in oz

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/10/2022 05:23

There is so much here I really dont know where to start 🙄

Ivyonafence · 26/10/2022 05:25

Is it the car you're annoyed about? Not that your husband has been out of work that long while you have a child?

Just checking because sometimes we focus on a small issue to distract ourselves from the big ones.

Personally I don't know who would let their child be alone in the car with a sports coach they didn't know. I find that a weird thing for him to particularly want to do.

The germs thing I think you're being a bit OTT. And I say that as someone who has a lot of health anxiety and is generally quite conscious of germs and illness around my children.

HardRockHallelujah · 26/10/2022 05:27

If he's going to be a proper coach, he should know that being on your own with a child is a massive safeguarding issue, especially in a car.

Original poster
ConfusedAdult2001 · 26/10/2022 05:38

Ivyonafence · 26/10/2022 05:25

Is it the car you're annoyed about? Not that your husband has been out of work that long while you have a child?

Just checking because sometimes we focus on a small issue to distract ourselves from the big ones.

Personally I don't know who would let their child be alone in the car with a sports coach they didn't know. I find that a weird thing for him to particularly want to do.

The germs thing I think you're being a bit OTT. And I say that as someone who has a lot of health anxiety and is generally quite conscious of germs and illness around my children.

He basically said he would hope good karma comes back for our daughter if he's able to POSSIBLY give a kid in need a ride home if they don't have reliable transportation, or just transportation for the day.

He said his coaches did it for him when he was young and his family didn't have reliable transportation, and he would want someone to offer our daughter a ride home if they saw her struggling (which I kinda don't agree with just because you can't trust anyone nowadays, ESPECIALLY not with your kids, sometimes not even your own family; I would, and currently do, organize for someone to always be there with our daughter).

I'm only so worried about the germs due to it basically being cold/flu season, and on top of her being very young, she doesn't have all of her vaccines yet as both me and her have severe allergies to preservatives in vaccines, so if she gets sick with something her body isn't capable of handling, I don't know what we'd do.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 26/10/2022 05:46

Get the second car fixed or sell it, in its present state it really isn’t fit for the intended driver.

I do not drive and therefore have always traveled by public transport and DD had her first bus ride when she was a week old. I get that Corona has made people anxious but your contamination fears are OTT. Maybe do some reading about the real risks of contamination in the the situation you describe before jumping to conclusions. You sound snobby and anxious and that is going to have a greater impact on your child than having ‘unknown’ children in your car twice a week.

Volunteering is a wonderful thing and my DD’s world would have been a lot smaller if it wasn’t for the volunteers who made a lot of her activities possible over the years. Surely the compromise is that your H does the deep cleaning of your car.

,

Mumdiva99 · 26/10/2022 05:47

The world has moved on since your husband was a kid. Safeguarding (in the UK) is always very clear that adults are not alone with kids. Lifts home don't happen. It's probably the same in the US. Once he's done his basic safeguarding training he'll understand.

PuttingDownRoots · 26/10/2022 05:48

In the UK he wouldn't be able to because of Safeguarding rules. I'd lose my job if I tried that... (unless I had my own child with me as well)

ittakes2 · 26/10/2022 05:50

I think you have a right to not have him use your car for cOaching except you are over reacting about the germs. At 3.5 months she won’t be touching door handles!

Darbs76 · 26/10/2022 05:51

Reasonable for you to say he shouldn’t use your car yes. I doubt he’d be taking kids home anyway as things have changed since he was a kid. Saying that my son did get lifts home from his football coach when his dad when to work overseas but by this point we knew them well and trusted them

RedHelenB · 26/10/2022 05:57

PuttingDownRoots · 26/10/2022 05:48

In the UK he wouldn't be able to because of Safeguarding rules. I'd lose my job if I tried that... (unless I had my own child with me as well)

You would be able to. It may not be advised, but there's no laws against it.
OP you sound very controlling. He's an adult and gets to make his own decisions about how to use family transport.

Simonjt · 26/10/2022 06:02

If your newborn hasn’t had any vaccines yet, how do you know she is severely allergic to the ingredients? When and how did the allergy present itself so she could be tested and diagnosed as a newborn?

I take it she has never been in a building that isn’t your own home?

Aprilx · 26/10/2022 06:06

You are of course being ridiculous about the germs and as others have said, he shouldn’t be having kids in the car anyway.

That aside, I find your approach of your car and his car very odd for a married couple. I am married, we consider our transport needs jointly, we have two cars but we don’t have my car and his car, they are just our cars. If one car is out of action, the other car is available for whomever needs it. I also wouldn’t sit by and watch the car deemed to be his (if we did that) get repossessed because he could afford payments. The payments would have been agreed between us out of family money.

lentilly · 26/10/2022 07:53

DH decided he wanted to coach basketball 2x/week after work to elementary/middle schoolers so does he have a job or not? Tell him to get his own car to ship kids round in...

lentilly · 26/10/2022 07:55

she doesn't have all of her vaccines yet as both me and her have severe allergies to preservatives in vaccines, so if she gets sick with something her body isn't capable of handling, I don't know what we'd do.

In all kindness I think you need to speak to your doctor about thiss if you havent already. 3.5 months in after birth I was struggling with severe anxiety, so it could be you are over anxious or your doctor may be able to reassure you about her vaccination status.

WrongLife · 26/10/2022 07:56

If you are in the UK, most sporting club coaching guidelines are super strict that you DO NOT offer children lifts. My husband coaches rugby for a team our son plays in. Our daughter plays as well. Which leaves him in the position of being able to transport our children, and other children in DD's team as he's not their coach, but not team mates of DS as he is their coach. Leads to some juggling for away matches but they are all very rigorous about complying.

MariEllie · 26/10/2022 08:01

You might need special insurance if he is transporting kids in it on a regular basis like that as part of a job. Not a good idea.

ImAvingOops · 26/10/2022 08:02

I think if it's your car, it's your business who uses it. Not all couples have joint finances and shared possessions. If OP doesn't want muddy kids in her car, that's her prerogative and really dh cannot commit to coaching if he has no reliable transport of his own.

Tiani4 · 26/10/2022 08:05

Firstly it's your car so insurance will be in your name he would need signed permission from parents and likely DBS check to have DCs in his car AND he would need Class one business insurance. His insurance nor yours. It will jump up your insurance. Why would you want that?

Really - just say no. He can get himself to and from basketball practice. He doesn't need to give other children a lift, they have their own parents.

The germ thing is PFB stuff, but kids do make a mess in cars. Regardless by taking YOUR car in the evening twice a week he is leaving you without transport that baby can go in.

He has his solution drive the crappy aunt loan car, or take public transport. No need for him to pretend he is a benevolent millionaire swanning around in your car bestowing lifts on children that have their own parents to take them...! He just wants your car mate! Say no.

SmileyClare · 26/10/2022 08:13
  1. A 3.5 month old isn't a new born.
  1. Your level of anxiety around germs is unhealthy. Your dd will be exposed to germs all the time when you take her out. Exposure is essential to building immunity.
  1. Get the tyres replaced and the car checked. It's not just about your baby. He shouldn't drive it if you think it isn't safe for him and other road users.
  1. Many vaccines are completely safe for allergy sufferers. Is it egg protein allergy? Current advice is to vaccinate in a hospital setting if there is a suspected reaction. The consequences of not vaccinating outweigh any risks of allergy.
  1. I strongly advise speaking to your health visitor or gp about your anxiety. It's very common post birth and you shouldn't suffer alone.
It's clearly restricting you and skewing your perspective. X
AnnapurnaSanctuary · 26/10/2022 08:14

I think you're being OTT about the germs, but at the end of the day it is your car so it's up to you.

lentilly · 26/10/2022 08:17

Sorry OP, are you the same poster who's DH won't hold the baby while they have a shower? If so I don't think he should be doing the coaching!

Apologies if that's not you.

chargeback · 26/10/2022 08:17

It’s your car so he can’t have it. Say no.

I really think this is his first step to taking over your car and making you drive his aunt’s crappy car when you don’t have the baby.

chargeback · 26/10/2022 08:19

lentilly · 26/10/2022 08:17

Sorry OP, are you the same poster who's DH won't hold the baby while they have a shower? If so I don't think he should be doing the coaching!

Apologies if that's not you.

That’s awful (doubt it’s the same OP tno). Do you have a link?