Am I spending enough time with my baby? Am I doing this right? Is there ever a time I can take to myself for my own mental health?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I'm a new mom in need of some advice.

I currently have a 3.5 month old baby girl. Up until 2.5 months postpartum, I've been back to work as I couldn't afford to stay on leave any longer (fiancé lost his job, we still have bills to pay, and my savings alone are no longer enough to cover them and stay on leave at the same time).

Prior to me officially going back to work: my aunt passed away leaving me and my sister with her paid off car, my husband's car got repossessed within a week of him getting a new job, and his mom got a new job and needs transportation to/from there.

After his car got repossessed, I would have to drive both him AND his mom to/from work (him in the morning and her in the afternoon), ON TOP of being essentially the only person to wake up with our daughter 3-5 times per night. I also make his lunches, try to tidy around the house whenever at all possible, care for our newborn baby, and MAYBE sleep, but that's only if she's also asleep.

He currently uses my aunt's old car, after getting everything switched over to my name (it was originally going to go to my sister once she got her license, but until then, he's using it because I can't keep driving him to/from work early in the morning as it wreaks havoc on my body/mind/emotions). The only downside is it apparently has a few problems that we both, understandably, deem unsuitable for a child to be riding around in. Hence why we use my car for all family outings, but I'm also the main person doing the driving back and forth in my car.

Now being back at work, my work schedule revolves around my husband's and MIL's work schedules, as well as childcare and time I'm able to spend with my daughter. I wake up with her throughout the night, I wake up with her in the morning, play and bond with her, up until I have to leave for work. And even when I get home from work, I'm spending time with her because 1) I haven't seen her in almost 9 hours and 2) because I rarely even get to take a shower until she's "thrust" into my arms by someone (I prefer showering as soon as I get home to keep the germs away from her).

I'm typically in the bathroom for 30ish minutes when I go to shower/get ready for bed, which is why when I ask my husband to watch her, he's hesitant and asks me to give her to his sister/mom to watch as he's "busy" on the game or needs "time to relax" after being at work all day.

His sister is in school so she goes to bed around 9/10pm, and his mom works overnights, so of course I'd feel guilty if I asked her to watch our daughter at all because I know she's tired and can't sleep with our daughter. This leaves me with me having to ask him if he can "watch her for a bit" while I shower, make his lunch, tidy up some, pump, etc. before heading to bed.

There have been MULTIPLE occasions on which I've just opted to take her into the bathroom with me (in her bouncer) as I shower.

SIDE NOTE: I typically don't get home until around 9pm, after which I try to eat something before the night time routine. Only downside is, sometimes I have to give her a bath (which is way too late for her to be bathing anyway), on top of me needing a shower, and my little chores to do before bed.

My childless friends are currently asking me when I'm going to spend time with them, and I keep telling them, "Sorry, I don't know yet. I have my baby and now I'm working and I have a lot of other things to tend to. When I find time, I'll let you know."

When I do go out, I tend to take my baby with me; the ONE time I went to get my hair braided, when I went to celebrate a family friend's birthday via lunch, when I went to go spend time with my siblings since they don't see me even once a month.

I think I'm getting to a point where I'm just like, "where's the time for me anymore?" I love my baby with all my heart, but I'm starting to feel kind of alone? Like, I'm not a single mom, but I kinda feel like it, and I can't tell if it's because of something I did, or maybe my priorities are in the wrong places and just can't figure it out, or WHAT?

If I want to spend time with my friends, I have to drive 1.5hrs away from home and my baby to see them and then the same distance back (as most of them don't drive and/or are in school). That's 3hrs of drive time, plus the 2-3hrs I would LIKE to spend quality time with them, but that means I'm gone from my baby for 6 hours total.

I feel bad about it because a day I could have to just give her my absolute undivided attention, I'm spending it away from her for some "Mommy time." I already went back to work earlier than expected, and when I get back home, she's supposed to be in bed or at least on her way BACK to sleep.

His mom tries to rationalize with me that I'm spending enough time with her, that I spend the most time with her, especially in a 24hr period. But I see it more based off of her awake hours vs. her sleeping hours. Yes, I am with her almost 24/7... outside of work. I work 8-9hr shifts, so that gives me 15-16 of her hours awake in a day, but then we have when she should be asleep, so 10-12hrs, and that drops down to 4-5hrs a day I'm spending with her 5/7 days of the week during her awake hours.

Would it be unreasonable for me to be away from her for 6hrs at a time once every 1-2 weeks to spend time with close friends?

Your hubby needs to step up. He can do chores too
his mom needs to get the bus or train to work too

nothing wrong with needing some time to yourself but your family and you yourself are putting too much pressure on you.

Thing is, public transportation is almost non-existent where we live. I understand it's my CHOICE to go pick her up early in the morning so she doesn't have to worry about unreliable transportation, but also to ensure my baby has someone capable of watching her by the time I have to leave for work.

My husband basically refuses to go get his mom in the morning as he "need[s] [his] sleep" for work and doesn't want to wake up earlier than need be to get his mom WITH our baby and then have to rush home and get ready for work (which is kinda what I'm doing now; only difference is I don't work until a few hours later NOW). Not to mention I'm the only one waking up with her multiple times throughout the night.

Having a baby changes your life. Personally there is no way I would be planning to spend 6 hours away from my child on a REGULAR basis unless it was a necessity.

Working is obviously a necessity, socialising isn't.

You do however need down time. Your partner needs to make his own lunches and your family members need to get themselves to and from work.

If you stop running around after your mum and partner, you will feel better.

Your friends should be coming to see you.

You have a husband problem

He needs to pick up his mum. He does realise it's his baby too doesn't he? Because he doesn't seem to be doing much to show it. What happens if your sister wants the car?

If she wants the car after she gets her license, I feel like I kinda need to give it to her. It'll just put more strain on me because then I'd be getting almost no sleep at all and then have to get up early to get his mom WITH our daughter because he'll "wake up" if she wakes up screaming, and then I'll go back to driving him to work before I have to go to work, and then he would basically have to find his own way home as I get off work MUCH later than he does.

You got a lot of advice on this in the thread you posted a couple of days ago, and advice on your husband on the thread you posted today. It might be easier to follow all this if you stick to one thread.

In your last thread you were doing the long journey to friends several times a week, how have you managed this while back at work during the last month?

Is this the poster who had to travel 3 hours to see friends and family? And wanted to leave baby at home.

It's the same poster whose husband wants to go to basketball practice twice a week......

The poor baby needs both parents to spend time with it to bond. Stop passing baby from pillar to post. Both of you need to step up.

OP your baby is 3.5 months old, she needs her parents. It doesn’t sound like either of you want to spend much time with her. Fair enough you need to work, that’s completely understandable but you do not need to spend another day away from her at the weekend to see friends every week ir two. She’s so young and needs to be with you. Can’t you bring her with you or they for you you?

aside from that your DH needs to step up and share night wakings, share picking his mum up and make his own lunches.

Why have you started another thread

My husband basically refuses to go get his mom in the morning as he "need[s] [his] sleep" for work and doesn't want to wake up earlier than need be to get his mom WITH our baby and then have to rush home and get ready for work (which is kinda what I'm doing now; only difference is I don't work until a few hours later NOW). Not to mention I'm the only one waking up with her multiple times throughout the night. LTB. You'd be better off as a single parent. Let him worry about his mum.

I feel sorry for this baby being passed from one person another.

I'm typically in the bathroom for 30ish minutes when I go to shower/get ready for bed, which is why when I ask my husband to watch her, he's hesitant and asks me to give her to his sister/mom to watch as he's "busy" on the game or needs "time to relax" after being at work all day. did your husband want a child? I know that's blunt. But he is acting like a massive shit.

Stop making your partner’s lunches. Do the baby stuff. He can do his stuff.

I really feel for you, as it sounds like you have no one in your life who you can rely on. You must be exhausted.

Your DH really needs to step up to take on an equal level of responsibility and care for his child.

You need to start saying no to everything that makes your life harder and takes you away from your child.

If you want to see friends, then fine but they need to make the effort to see you or they aren’t much of a friend.

You really need to reflect on what part everyone is playing in your life and whether they are worth your time and effort. You will be a lot happier only having people in your life that you can lean on.

Are you very young op?

Your dh isn’t a dh.
He’s a lazy man child who unfortunately is able to father dc without having any emotional intelligence.
You'll be single soon enough and your life won’t be any harder.

Stop being a taxi service for everyone. Stop doing all the night wake ups. Stop making lunches for your useless husband. You're trying to do everything when no one is giving you anything in return and, quite rightly, the only person you should be prioritising is your baby. Take your baby to childcare and yourself to work. When you get home, sort the baby and yourself. Chores can wait - you need to sleep. Tell your husband he needs to take on equal household chores and also start tending to his child in the night. What is going to happen if you carry on as you are? You will be sleep deprived, depressed, make yourself ill and be hugely resentful of everyone in your life. Stop it all now and focus on yourself and your baby.

How many people live in your house? You, dh, his dm and his sister? Everyone who lives there needs to be doing jobs to help the home run smoothly. I’d start by having a talk with everyone together and everyone taking responsibility for something, your niece too, she may be at school, but is still capable of emptying the bins or washing up or whatever. There is no reason why your dh can not make his own lunches, so knock that on the head too.

your dh really needs to step up. He has a child now, which means he has to grow up and realise that him gaming is not the top priority. We all need to relax after work, but that has to wait until all the home jobs are done and the baby is sorted.

I also think they should be using public transport at least some of the days to give you a bit of a break. Again maybe a compromise, when the weather is ok, public transport' if it’s torrential rain, you can give them a lift (this works in our house, but might still be a strain for you with everything else).
I’ve not got any personal experience of living in a multigenerational household, but would think that one of the benefits is that there are extra people to hold the baby when you need a shower etc, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to be doing this.

hopefully if you can sort some of these issues, you will naturally start to get some more time to yourself and get some downtime for yourself. But Yanbu to want some help and some time to yourself. You’ve gone back to work really early and your baby still needs you over night and if you aren’t supported you will end up completely exhausted and poorly.

God, ditch the useless fucking man.
He's Lazy, entitled and just a knob.

You'll find life a lot easier when you're not being a skivvy to that useless lump and his mother.

And also tell your "friends" no.

Spend time with your baby. She's WEEKS old and needs her mum.

I felt like it might be easier than going back and forth on the parts I failed to mention in the other