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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old as time question

60 replies

Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:07

WWYD…
a relationship years long, I want to get married (happy to do it just us) I want us us to be family, he doesn’t see the point so says no. Everything else is great and he wants us to keep doing what we are doing forever (neither have DC or have been previously married)

YABU - everything else is ideal suck it up
YANBU - everything else is ideal, he should suck it up and give you what you want

OP posts:
KimmySchmitt · 25/10/2022 22:08

Option 3, accept you want different things and separate...

twinkleteas · 25/10/2022 22:09

YANBU - what's his real reason for not wanting to get married especially when it's so important to you, and is ostensibly not outside the remit of what he wants? Are you planning to have kids? Do you own property together? If so marriage or civil partnership offers you financial benefits.

Testina · 25/10/2022 22:11

I don’t think he’s wrong. But that doesn’t mean you have to just “suck it up”.
Option 3 has to be on the table at least - you leave.

Cw112 · 25/10/2022 22:12

I think it depends on how much marriage is a deal breaker for each of you? Can you see yourself living with him forever more without being married or is that something you can't compromise on that you feel you need from a relationship? If the former then all you can do is say its something you want but he needs to be on the same page and you need to accept that may or may not happen, if the latter then you need to be straight with him that it's a deal breakers for you and if he's not on the same page then it might mean parting ways.

Cw112 · 25/10/2022 22:13

I think it depends on how much marriage is a deal breaker for each of you? Can you see yourself living with him forever more without being married or is that something you can't compromise on that you feel you need from a relationship? If the former then all you can do is say its something you want but he needs to be on the same page and you need to accept that may or may not happen, if the latter then you need to be straight with him that it's a deal breakers for you and if he's not on the same page then it might mean parting ways.

TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 22:17

Do you live together OP? If so, do either of you own the property jointly or separately? Is there some mismatched financial advantage for either of you?

lentilly · 25/10/2022 22:19

Leave

ComeonoverValerie · 25/10/2022 22:19

KimmySchmitt · 25/10/2022 22:08

Option 3, accept you want different things and separate...

This! Why settle for anything less than you deserve.

Pixiecushion · 25/10/2022 22:21

This is me. 30 years together. Jointly own our house. Mortgage paid off. But not married and he’s never going to ask me. Why not?

Suzi888 · 25/10/2022 22:21

KimmySchmitt · 25/10/2022 22:08

Option 3, accept you want different things and separate...

^ This

It’s all very well saying YABU /YANBU but one of you is going to be unhappy, resentful etc.

toastofthetown · 25/10/2022 22:22

You need to decide whether or not being with him is more important than being married. He's clear that it's something he doesn't want to do, and that's ok. But it's an issue that there's no compromise on. Either it's a dealbreaker and you move on or it's not so you accept that you won't be married.

minticecreamisjustok · 25/10/2022 22:22

Do you live together? I'd leave, he doesn't want the same commitment as you, waiting isn't going to make him any keener.

steff13 · 25/10/2022 22:23

Neither of you is wrong. You want different things, if you can't accept that he won't marry you, you should leave.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2022 22:24

Why is marriage important to you?

It was a deal breaker for me and I told my (now) husband that on I think date 3/4 - certainly in the first two months.

I was totally prepared to walk away.

If you know it’s what you want move on.

Crucible · 25/10/2022 22:27

I don't see the point in doing many things but I do them anyway. I add syrup to coffee. It makes no great difference. But I do it sometimes. So, ask him to do it anyway and carry on as before. If it means nothing to him, what difference does it make - apart from doing it for you (which should count).
What I'm saying is that he won't do it because it does mean something.
And he knows that.

Don't know how many reluctant partners I've seen get pulled up real quick by this argument..

Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:30

I completely understand the “third option” which is fully in my head but it’s so difficult because it would be the only reason I walked away…we have been living together for years (property/money would not be an issue for either party if we spilt up) and the kids thing is quite complex so I don’t know if health wise is on the cards for me or the child I may have (again something we went the tough together that he was so supportive with). X

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 22:38

I don't know how old you are but it sounds like having children might be difficult? Sorry if I'm wrong. Maybe your OH is happy with the way things are and your dreams of being married won't actually happen, if you stay with him.
Do feel like he's not fully committed to you?

Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:39

Also he is fully aware I might walk away over this I’ve told him, we have had very open conversations over it..he says I don’t want to hold you back by saying I will want it when I don’t know (both late 30’s) and it’s down to me if I can accept it or not

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 22:40

He's telling you to go but he hasn't got the guts to actually say it.

Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:41

TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 22:38

I don't know how old you are but it sounds like having children might be difficult? Sorry if I'm wrong. Maybe your OH is happy with the way things are and your dreams of being married won't actually happen, if you stay with him.
Do feel like he's not fully committed to you?

This 100% he is committed but I have a lot of feelings over him not taking the last step I want…is that enough to walk away

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2022 22:43

Plenty enough reason to walk away. While you’re being upset by this you’re not meeting the man who’ll share your hopes and dreams and enthusiastically want the commitment you do.

TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 22:49

Also he is fully aware I might walk away over this I’ve told him, we have had very open conversations over it..he says I don’t want to hold you back by saying I will want it when I don’t know (both late 30’s) and it’s down to me if I can accept it or not
He's telling you. Listen.

Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:51

not to make excuses-he doesn’t know it but I do he doesn’t want to get married because of his mum and dads v messy divorce

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:52

TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 22:49

Also he is fully aware I might walk away over this I’ve told him, we have had very open conversations over it..he says I don’t want to hold you back by saying I will want it when I don’t know (both late 30’s) and it’s down to me if I can accept it or not
He's telling you. Listen.

Maybe, it’s just so difficult to know with no other issues (I know you will think I’m clutching but it’s really not the case)

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:55

Are you happy/have you been able to accept it? X

OP posts: