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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old as time question

60 replies

Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:07

WWYD…
a relationship years long, I want to get married (happy to do it just us) I want us us to be family, he doesn’t see the point so says no. Everything else is great and he wants us to keep doing what we are doing forever (neither have DC or have been previously married)

YABU - everything else is ideal suck it up
YANBU - everything else is ideal, he should suck it up and give you what you want

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 22:56

Pixiecushion · 25/10/2022 22:21

This is me. 30 years together. Jointly own our house. Mortgage paid off. But not married and he’s never going to ask me. Why not?

Sorry the above was meant to ask you x

OP posts:
NannyGythaOgg · 25/10/2022 22:56

So what if/when one of you is seriously ill. The partner has no legal right to have any involvement in making any decisions either financial, emotional or care.

When the first one dies (and it will probably be a long time off) then the other has no rights financially or any other way.

If you BOTH do decide to not marry then at least all potential legal positions should be looked at. EG A distant relative that the dying partner has never met has more rights over the funeral, any financial aspects, and any care aspects should one be left incapacitated.

There are no definitive right or wrong choices here - it's far more about what is right for both of you (definitely not just one of you)

Sapphire387 · 25/10/2022 22:59

I'm calling BS, on him.

He 'doesn't see the point'? The point is that it matters, to you.

If he really wasn't fussed either way then surely he'd do it, because it matters, to you.

He doesn't want to marry you. I am so sorry if that sounds harsh. Believe me, I have been there, in past relationships. There was a marked difference between that and DH... when I said I wanted to get married, he said 'ok, shall we say March?'. That was four months away. We did it, no fuss.

Call me cynical but so many men do this, the relationship ends and then they quickly marry their next partner.

Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 23:03

NannyGythaOgg · 25/10/2022 22:56

So what if/when one of you is seriously ill. The partner has no legal right to have any involvement in making any decisions either financial, emotional or care.

When the first one dies (and it will probably be a long time off) then the other has no rights financially or any other way.

If you BOTH do decide to not marry then at least all potential legal positions should be looked at. EG A distant relative that the dying partner has never met has more rights over the funeral, any financial aspects, and any care aspects should one be left incapacitated.

There are no definitive right or wrong choices here - it's far more about what is right for both of you (definitely not just one of you)

Another thing that makes it even harder both sides look at us like a “married couple” so take what the other says as “this person knows them best”…which has happened e.g. she/he would want this and family accepts (probably the only MN question where the family has each other’s back and there’s a lot of respects from both sides 😑) x

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 23:05

Sapphire387 · 25/10/2022 22:59

I'm calling BS, on him.

He 'doesn't see the point'? The point is that it matters, to you.

If he really wasn't fussed either way then surely he'd do it, because it matters, to you.

He doesn't want to marry you. I am so sorry if that sounds harsh. Believe me, I have been there, in past relationships. There was a marked difference between that and DH... when I said I wanted to get married, he said 'ok, shall we say March?'. That was four months away. We did it, no fuss.

Call me cynical but so many men do this, the relationship ends and then they quickly marry their next partner.

This is what deep down I’m scared might be happening (I’m a very defensive person so I never know if I’m just being wild) x

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 25/10/2022 23:05

Sorry to say it but he’s just not that into you. This isn’t a man who’s madly head over heals in love with you. This is a guy who’s prepared to loose you because he won’t budge on a stupid principle. He’s a gutless time waster and exactly the kind of guy who will be engaged and expecting a baby with someone else 6 months after you split. Get out now and find your sole mate because this guy isn’t it.

TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 23:11

Dont fall foul of the 'sunken cost fallacy'. Just because you've been together years, don't expect him to suddenly change, why would he? If it's that important to you, get out now.

Original poster
Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 23:11

Summerfun54321 · 25/10/2022 23:05

Sorry to say it but he’s just not that into you. This isn’t a man who’s madly head over heals in love with you. This is a guy who’s prepared to loose you because he won’t budge on a stupid principle. He’s a gutless time waster and exactly the kind of guy who will be engaged and expecting a baby with someone else 6 months after you split. Get out now and find your sole mate because this guy isn’t it.

I genuinely don’t think he would

however, from a point of view of only caring about myself if this is it and it doesn’t work am I f&£k ever doing this to myself again.. I will just get myself 29384 dogs and 29394 cats thank you very much x

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 25/10/2022 23:16

can't imagine why he worries about a 'messy divorce' (that might never happen) and doesn't care enough you just walking away from a long relationship now.
Sounds his feelings might be shallower than yours.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 25/10/2022 23:27

I think you need to say to him look, we need and want different things. You are confusing our relationship with your parents' relationship and yet the fact we can sit and talk in a civilised manner about difficult things shows we are nothing like them.

Say, I want to form a family of whatever kind with someone. I thought that person was you but I can see now that we want different things. So what I'm going to do now is to leave so that I can find that with somebody else.

Then I think you should leave.

Stay civil, stay polite, but do exactly what you said you would do. Then wait. He will be shocked, I think he thinks you're all talk at the moment about this. Give him time to really think about what he has lost. In the meantime have a bloody good time!

TheCurseOfBoris · 25/10/2022 23:28

OP. You have a choice. Stay with him or not.
To be perfectly honest, in this day and age, I'd not want to get married no matter how much I loved someone. I would have too much to lose financially. If I was to gain, then that would be another matter!

Orders76 · 25/10/2022 23:42

If you're both really really happy, why would you sacrifice it for a problem with a piece of paper.
Tell him you really want to be married and how much it means to you, then leave it in his hands.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2022 23:49

@Orders76

If it’s just a piece of paper then what’s the big deal about NOT getting married?

No one has to get married if they don’t want to but let’s not pretend it’s just a piece of paper.

Lancrelady80 · 26/10/2022 00:37

Okay, he doesn't want to get married. Have you both tied everything together legally? Mortgage, wills, finances, power of attorney if needed etc etc?

If so, then marriage, which means a lot to you, should be nothing more than a bit of paper to him, and he should do it for your sake.

If not, then you need sit down together and get everything tied up as tight as tight so legally you are as close to married as possible in terms of the protections, rights and responsibilities you both have.

If he won't do that, then he's either too lazy to bother or just doesn't care enough for you, I'm afraid. In which case, you're better off rid.

KatherineJaneway · 26/10/2022 07:37

Call me cynical but so many men do this, the relationship ends and then they quickly marry their next partner.

Exactly this. I've seen it happen in my social circle. He isn't 100% committed to you or he would marry you.

Ponoka7 · 26/10/2022 07:53

I agree with what's been said re men then going on to get married to their next partner. It tends to be the person who they are with, Isn't someone who they want to marry. Could it be that he doesn't know if he wants children? so you'll do for now until he decides? That might not have been an issue even five years ago. So how long you've been together is a red herring.

entropynow · 26/10/2022 08:12

NannyGythaOgg · 25/10/2022 22:56

So what if/when one of you is seriously ill. The partner has no legal right to have any involvement in making any decisions either financial, emotional or care.

When the first one dies (and it will probably be a long time off) then the other has no rights financially or any other way.

If you BOTH do decide to not marry then at least all potential legal positions should be looked at. EG A distant relative that the dying partner has never met has more rights over the funeral, any financial aspects, and any care aspects should one be left incapacitated.

There are no definitive right or wrong choices here - it's far more about what is right for both of you (definitely not just one of you)

Actually unless you have a formal power of attorney there is no legal right to do these things just because you're married. Otherwise spouses could control each others' affairs and they can't (any more). Hospitals e.g. may automatically default to consulting spouses but really you need to indicate in advance who should be consulted and this can include unmarried partners and in some cases even friends and neighbours if that's what the patient has advised in writing.
"Next of kin" has no automatic legal status in these matters - hence the court cases about end of life care. It's due to prejudice that same sex partners were excluded.

entropynow · 26/10/2022 08:13

Inheritance of course is another matter.

StupidSmallFruit · 26/10/2022 08:23

Helpplz23563 · 25/10/2022 23:11

I genuinely don’t think he would

however, from a point of view of only caring about myself if this is it and it doesn’t work am I f&£k ever doing this to myself again.. I will just get myself 29384 dogs and 29394 cats thank you very much x

Show quote history

I’m sorry, but kindly, of course you genuinely don’t think he would.

Right now, with you, he has zero interest in marriage.

But the point people are making is that many, many, many men like this have form for moving onto the next woman, and then suddenly really want the whole marriage bit.

It is a big deal to him, which is why he won’t do it with someone he doesn’t want to be married to.

Sorry OP - you can do a lot better. Flowers

Brefugee · 26/10/2022 08:28

I'm with pp - either it doesn't matter in which case, why won't he marry, or your wishes don't matter to him that much in which case why do you want to marry him?

Point out all the medical/legal/death stuff pp have said - but be prepared to step away. You say you're having difficulty conceiving - but if you do, suddenly and he still won't marry you? would that be a big issue for you?

The cats & dogs seem like a better prospect, tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2022 08:32

If you really think his reticence is down to what happened with his parents, what that means is he knows how much this means to you but isn’t willing to do the work he’d need to to deal with his issues and he’d literally rather let you go.

It’s always a shit argument. People get divorced. People end long term relationships. Unmarried parents are more likely to separate with young child than married couples. If he’s worried about a messy split then why bother having a relationship at all? It’s gutless and childish.

If you stay with him you won’t ever get to be married, it’s highly unlikely you’ll get to be a mum. Imagine yourself in 10, 20, 30 years time as you are now and decide if he’s worth it. If he’s not then get out now while you’ve got time to find someone who wants what you do.

FinallyHere · 26/10/2022 08:35

KatherineJaneway · 26/10/2022 07:37

Call me cynical but so many men do this, the relationship ends and then they quickly marry their next partner.

Exactly this. I've seen it happen in my social circle. He isn't 100% committed to you or he would marry you.

This ^ I'm afraid

Also

not to make excuses-he doesn’t know it but I do he doesn’t want to get married because of his mum and dads v messy divorce

This might be it but why are you making excuses for him?

He could just as easily decide that he wanted to get married and not make the mistakes his parents make

It's really not complicated. He doesn't want to marry you even though he knows you want to get married. And still he doesn't.

You are not compatible. Are you prepared to give up your wish in order to stay with someone who doesn't care enough to make you happy?

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 26/10/2022 08:37

Pixiecushion · 25/10/2022 22:21

This is me. 30 years together. Jointly own our house. Mortgage paid off. But not married and he’s never going to ask me. Why not?

Why can’t you ask him to marry you?

Fireballxl5 · 26/10/2022 08:37

If your partner truly loves you then he would marry you rather than let you go.
You're willing to show commitment to the relationship, he’s not.
Speaks volumes. You need to listen.

Octomore · 26/10/2022 08:41

Option 3 - You want totally different things from life so you are fundamentally unsuited. It's no one's fault, but the best thing is to amicably go your separate ways.

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